Archives

Keira Knightley did a kissing scene with Mark Ruffalo and I don't know she kept herself from using her fingers to twirl one of the luscious ringlets in his field of wondrous curls - Lainey Gossip 

Looking hot in a two piece: Paulina Porizkova is - Hollywood Tuna

Little Lord Tommy's hover tricycle must've been with the Scientology mechanics - The Superficial 

Expect to see the headline "Stacy Keibler Gets Pink Slipped" in 3..2... - Celebitchy

Yes, I am here for Thom Evan's bulge - Towleroad

Who ordered the twin Honeybaked Hams coated in sophistication? - (NSFWish) Drunken Stepfather

29 reasons to fap - The Berry 

Move your ass, Brooke Burke, you're blocking my view of David Charvet's nipples - Popoholic

BREAKING: Julia Roberts actually smiles at the paps (I think) instead of slapping them around with the fuck words that fly off her tongue - Popsugar

Blahna Del Meh's boring lesbian love story video sponsored by ludes - Just Jared

Dr. 90210 and his pooch friend obviously go to the same stylist - I'm Not Obsessed

Baby kangaroo in Pampers. That is all. - Cityrag

Katie Holmes is going to try to "act" on stage again - ICYDK

Presenting...Dlisted's theme song of the summer! - Crunk + Disorderly

Even though he looks like a SANS FARDS (and sans chichis) Cher, Ric Ocasek can still get it - SOW

Cameron Diaz went out on a date with a Seth MacFarlane look-alike and yes, that's what you call crashing through the bottom of the barrel - Hollywood Rag 

Some days you just really need to feel your nipples give birth to drops of extra sweetened hummingbird juice while staring at pictures of the graceful dandelion Richard Simmons looking like somebody's fucked up auntie on Halloween, and this is one of those days. I'd never think to put together New Balance sneakers, spider web tights from Capezio, a DIY black swan costume, two handfuls of googly eyes and a bunch of fake pearl bracelets from some little girl's jooree box, but Richard pulls it off.

And you know how in movies and shit, bitches are always saying things like, "I'm just waiting for the butterfly in me to awaken and take flight"? This is what they're talking about.

Here's the full trailer for Paul Thomas Anderson's "The Master" which is totally not about the alien voodoo that is Scientology, but is TOTALLY about the alien voodoo that is Scientology. Joaquin Phoenix has finally shaved away the crazy and brushed away the fuckery to get back to doing real acting shit. Joaquin plays a boozed up mess who is stumbling through life without any kind of purpose until he meets Philip Seymour Hoffman's character, a writer and nuclear physicist who is the leader of a new religious organization.

Page Six says that since Tommy Girl was in Magnolia, PTA screened the movie to see how the High Priestess of Scientology felt about it. Tommy had "issues" with it and by that he means he found the entire movie...."glib." Philip Seymour Hoffman said before that the movie isn't about Scientology. Please. The only way this movie could be more about Scientology is if there was 100% more man-on-man action, a dance number starring John Travolta backed up by the Scientology glory hole chorus boys and a cameo by Kirstie Alley as an intergalactic overlord. Please tell me there's a cameo by Kirstie Alley as an intergalactic overlord.

via Vulture

On the left is Lycia Naff as the iconic three-tittied hooker from the original Total Recall, and on the right is Kaitlyn Leeb as the new (and not improved) three-tittied hooker from the PG-13 rated Total Recall remake. Never mind that both trio of chichi balls look more natural than anything on LeAnn Rimes' chest, the new three-tittied hooker never stood a chance. It's not because she sort of looks like a humanized version of Sarah Larson. It's because of one very important, the only important, thing: NIPPLES!

Since the shitafied remake of Total Recall is PG-13, they can't burn the innocent eyes of 13-year-olds with the image of three rubber nipples on the Triplets of Titville. Why even bother remaking this mess if they're going to censor the best part? The three-tittied hookers' three breasts (aka a motorboater's wonderland) were definitely the first triplet titty balls I've ever seen and they might've been the first chichis I saw in a movie. It was so shocking to me and it blew my mind as a kid. I can't with any of this. Why can't they let the "three times a titty" hooker be great? And I don't even want to know how they fucked up the fat ginger beauty.

At the Salon nightclub in London on Wednesday night, British model type Cressida Bonas (whose eyebrow situation registers as a Brooke Shields on the brow scale) and the fire in the loins of my soul Prince Hot Ginge tried to be sneaky bitches by showing up to the club just minutes apart. But the Daily Mail says that once they both got inside, they got on each other like Fred Willard's hand on Fred Willard's peen at a stank porn theater in Hollywood. Bonas got a (lady) boner for PHG! The DM puts it like this:

Inside the club, according to onlookers, it was not long before she and Harry ‘hooked up’ and were seen kissing in a corner.
Dressed in a clinging white dress and vertiginous heels, and with a plait in her hair, Miss Bonas left at just after 4am, jumping alone into a cab. Harry departed with his bodyguards just ten minutes later.

Cressida Bonas is the daughter of the really hot named sixties model Lady Mary-Gaye Georgiana Lorna Curzon. If I didn't look like this in drag, then I'd be a drag queen and Lady Mary-Gaye would be my name.

There's no need to pull out my shank, because the sun rises in England about as frequently as a dirty blonde runs into a copy store and screams, "QUICK! QUICK! Somebody laminate my entire crotch, because Prince Hot Ginge has been on it and I never want to wash it again! I'll pee through my butt!"

So we shouldn't get to know Cressida Bonas, which kind of sucks, because I like her name too. It makes her sound like a Bond girl or like the name of a contest for the salespeople at a Toyota dealership circa 1991.

Depending on who you ask, Melanie Griffith is either throwing a "Pendejo, wipe the skank stank from your chorizo, because I can smell it here from here!" side-eye at Antonio or she's making a "No, I'm not throwing a side-eye at Antonio, I just made the mistake of Botoxing my eyeballs because they looked wrinkly and now they're stuck like this for a while" face.

Radar says that Antonio Banderas is thisclose to biting on a black rose, arching his back and salsa walking directly to a divorce lawyer's office. A source says that Antonio and Melanie's 15 year marriage is about to crumble into a pile of dusty memories and they've been in counseling to try to save it. There's been rumors that Antonio's wandering peen is the reason for all their problems, but the source says that their problems started a long time ago. The source went on to say this shit:

“Melanie is absolutely distraught. This was her fairytale and it’s falling apart. They’ve been through rough spots before, so there’s always hope that they’ll get it together and fix this, but right now that is definitely not looking like that is the case. There’s still a lot of love there though, that’s for sure.

It’s not a case of them hating each other but it’s a very hard time for everyone right now. No one really wants to accept that it’s happening, that’s why they’re still keeping it all under wraps."

But wait! A difference source (aka Melanie and Antonio's rep calling from a pay phone while wearing a disguise) tells People that Melanie and Antonio are fine and their marriage is not dying like most of the feeling in her face. Antonio is just in Hungary shooting a movie and they'll be together again soon. "They're really happy, they're fine and blah barf blah," said that source.

Usually, when a source tells People that everything is heart-shaped, rose-scented queefs and that Antonio is not dicking every trick in a 4-mile radius, it's not a good sign for a marriage. That could just be a PR fart in your eyes. If it is, then hopefully Melanie Griffith will pull herself together, take the Staten Island ferry to Manhattan and start her new life as a serious business woman. Leeeeeeeeeeet the river ruuuuuuuun! 

Well, here's some scary, terrible, horrific, fucked up shit for a Friday morning. During a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises at the Century 16 movie theater in Aurora, Colorado, a 24-year-old crazy kicked open the emergency exit door and opened fire on everyone inside. Yeah, I'll pause as you trade your cup of morning liquid caffeine for a bottle of something brain-numbing.

Witnesses tell The Denver Post that the gunman was wearing camo all-black, a riot helmet on his head, a gas mask on his face and a bullet-proof vest. When he busted into the theater, he threw some kind of canister, which started hissing and spitting out some kind of gas. That's when he started shooting. I don't know if he timed it or it was just a tragic coincidence, but he started shooting during a shootout scene early in the movie. One witness said that many people thought the gun shots were coming from the movie and one thought that the smoke was some kind of special effect. When they realized what was going on, they ran for the doors.

So far, 12 people are confirmed dead (there are reports that 14 are dead) and 50 71 are wounded. A witness told Matt Lauer on Today this morning that she believes several children were shot.

The shooter, who has been ID'ed as 24-year-old James Holmes, didn't kill himself, which surprised me. He also didn't put up a fight when cops arrested him and grabbed his shot gun, a hand gun and an AK rifle. Police found a third gun inside of the theater. His apartment building in North Aurora was evacuated after he told police that there were explosives in his apartment. Police believe the shooter acted alone.

Here's cell phone video taken outside of the theater right after the shooting:

UPDATE: ABC News is real quick, because they have already contacted the maniac's mother in San Diego. She hasn't been contacted by police yet, didn't know of the shooting before ABC News told her and she also wasn't at all surprised. She only said, “You have the right person. I need to fly out to Colorado."

UPDATE II: The Paris premiere has been canceled. Also, Reddit has a detailed timeline of the events. It basically translates into: the world is fucked.

UPDATE III: Aaaaand here's a picture of the shooter.

Dear, would you like to take a picture with Snooki?

Do I want a cookie?

No..Snooki.

Nookie!?

Oh for fucks sake just smile for the camera! - PrettyHateMachine

Runners-up:

The good news: Callista finally agrees to the open marriage Newt's been wanting. And now for the bad news... - turnelbup

The public was willing to reserve judgment on Fred Willard's masturbation arrest until it came to light what he was fapping to: Newt's Gone Wild. - skabazzle

Snooki shows us how many brain cells are collectively present here. - ImpertinentVixen

via @CallyGingrich via Videogum

Michelle Jenneke, the 19-year-old Australian runner who leaped into the hearts of the Internet this week when this video set to twerkin' music of her swishing her hips, bouncing her chichis and swaying her ponytail like she's got veins full of bubbles made the rounds.

At the IAAF World Junior Championships in Barcelona last weekend, Michelle warmed up by turning on the music in her head before making hos fall back by hitting them with her hip shimmy. It's like she's bouncing on sunshine (and no, she didn't take herself higher with computer duster beforehand.) Homegirl even busts out some jazz fingers like her hand pores are spitting out fairy sparks. Seeing Michelle look thirty shades of happy makes me feel at least one shade of happy and that's saying a lot since I'm usually a bitter, miserable, straight-up crusty bitch. Michelle won't be spreading the sunshine at the Olympics this summer, but she still wins the gold medal in MAGIC!

And if you're a purist, here's the original:

via Gawker

Josh Holloway (43)
Julianne Hough (24)
Gisele Bundchen (32)
Elliot Yamin (34)
Erica Hill (36)
Judy Greer (37)
Simon Rex (38)
Omar Epps (39)
Sandra Oh (41)
Vitamin C (43)
Chris Cornell (48)
Terri Irwin (48)
Donna Dixon (55)
Carlos Santana (65)
Kim Carnes (67)
Dame Diana Rigg (74)
Sleepy LaBeef (77)
Sally Ann Howes (82)