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The Twatlight: Breaking Hymen, Part 2 character posters are so hilariously awful that they look like they were used to wipe up Photoshop's ass - The Berry 

No Doubt has a new song and it sort of sounds like something you'd hear from a ska band in Fraggle Rock - Lainey Gossip 

Rebecca Duvall from Smash had a baby - Celebitchy

Sarah Silverman makes some Republican billionaire and offer he shouldn't refuse - Towleroad

I pity the child who has to say the words: Auntie Noah - The Superficial 

Madge's 53-year-old nipple came out to play again in Paris - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Elle Macpherson's still got it - Hollywood Tuna 

Beyonce reads some letter she wrote to Michelle Obama and I didn't hear a word she said since I was too busy wondering why her right eyebrow is trying to touch the sky - Just Jared

Maria Menounos' ass is all up in your face - IDLYITW

George Clooney is cheating on Brad Pitt with Channing Tatum - Popsugar

Russell Brand has officially been given the thumbs up to move on to his next wife - ICYDK

I wish the other Hough was wearing that bikini instead. "You and me both, bitch, you and me both..." - Ryan Gaycrest - Popoholic

How is Sex House not a real reality show? - OMG Blog

Cassie learned the hard way that you should always check the expiration date on a pair of nuts before you swallow - Crunk + Disorderly

This is some Little House on the Prairie meets The Neverending Story shit and it's not a good look - Hollywood Rag

More like 20 Drunk as Fuck Dogs - Cityrag

Charlie Sheen tweeted during sex - I'm Not Obsessed

If you've got 23 minutes of free time, 23 brain cells to spare and want to see a touching tribute to the late and great Ass Dan, then smear your eyes with topical ointment and watch the long as hell infomercial for 2012's Gathering of the Juggalos. Cave-In-Rock, Illinois will once again become ground zero for fuckery when Juggalos and Juggalettes gather together for nearly a week full of clown-faced debauchery. You should hold your head with two hands before you read this year's line-up, because you might shake it off your neck. This year's line-up includes: The Game, George Clinton, The Fat Boys, Jamie Kennedy, Bobcat Goldthwait, a Michael Jackson Tribute, Master P, Raekwon and The Pharycide. George Clinton, what are you doing?! Has it really come to this? Do the Dancing with the Stars people not have your number? Damn.

You know, every year I toy with going to this mess, because I really want to see a pregnant Juggalette smoke meth out of an empty Faygo bottle in the middle of a clown orgy, but then I change my mind since I'm really not ready to die. But this year I might have to take that chance, because they had me at the words: Faygo, hot dogs and hamburgers will rain on the stage!

via Gawker

Look, there's a piece for everyone! If you want a piece whose orgasms sound like a show tune written by Rodgers & Hammerstein, has nipple hair as soft as a baby Wolverine's pelt and will probably piss himself at least once during your time together, there's Hugh Jackman at Bondi Beach in Sydney! If you want a piece who would lose in a game of Are You Smarter Than A Fart Bubble?, has been tainted by the Kuntrashians and whose sex moans sound like Frankenstein's monster pushing out a hard shit, there's Kris Humphries in Miami! If you want a piece who will make you wear a sex suit made of mirrors so he can see gorgeous Adonis self while he hits it from every side, there's Mario Lopez in Malibu!

And in a game of Fuck/Marry/Kill, I'd fuck AC Slater, marry Hugh Jackman and I wouldn't kill Kris Humphries, but I'd keep him occupied for the next 50 years or so by asking him to give me the answer to 2 - 2 WITHOUT using a life line.

Over the weekend, Suri Cruise found out that the most painful heartbreak comes when your mean ass mother refuses to buy you a puppy friend that you'll give a completely original name to (examples: Fluffy, Whitey, Puppy, Cutie and MIIIIIINE) cuddle with for around two weeks, never take care of and ignore in a few months when it grows into a dog body and is no longer to adorable to child eyes. Katie Holmes took Suri to a pet store in NYC the other day and had one of the store's assistants bring out two puppies, a Frenchie and a Morkie (a half Yorkie, half Maltese). Suri wrapped her tiny heart around the Morkie (probably because it reminded her of her alien Uncle Mork) and begged Katie to buy it for her. The old Katie would've phoned home to headquarters to ask her Scientology handlers if she can bring home a puppy if she gives it a Thetan bath and threatens to expose its deepest, darkest secrets to the tabloids if it defects from the cult of Xenu. But the Katie of today actually makes decisions by herself and she chose to break Suri's heart by not buying the Morkie. I think I speak for Suri when I say: "I HATE YOU FOR THIS, KATIE!"

Katie, is of course, getting some heat for thinking about buying a puppy from a pet store instead of going to a shelter. The North Shore Animal League America used Radar to openly invite Katie and Suri to their shelter to possibly adopt a dog:

“Unfortunately most pet stores are provided their dogs from commercial breeding organizations otherwise known as puppy mills. The breeder parents are not kept in conditions that are acceptable to caring for companion animals. They don’t get the medical care they need. They are overbred and when the dog is no longer able to breed they either sell them to auctions or kill them. If you go to a shelter you’re going to find beautiful, healthy puppies, even purebreds," the spokeswoman says. "Not only that you will also be saving a life. We would love to show Katie the animals we have if she is ready to adopt.”

Katie is a dumb bitch for taking Suri to a pet store in the first place. You know what happens when you take a kid to a pet store? They cry, pout and wish death upon you when you refuse to buy them the only thing they've ever wanted in life. When I'd go to the mall with my mom, she'd purposefully stay away from the area in the mall with the pet store in it, because she really didn't want me to scream at her, "I'm going to kill myself if you don't buy me this $3,000 puppy that probably has the sicks in a major way since it came from a mill!" And that was just last week.

I don't know why Katie's shopping for a puppy anyway. Katie just got rid of a tiny creature who nipped at her ankles, licked its own ass, was barely potty trained and constantly barked at her all the time, and now she wants another one?

After two bland seasons of Steven Tyler licking his inner tube lips at lady contestants and JLo covering up her true diva bitch ways by acting like she genuinely cares about other people, American Idol has the chance to get double slapped back to life by Aretha Franklin's knock 'em dead titty balls. Queen Aretha has made it publicly known that she's open to the producers of American Idol entering her throne room to bow at her hooves and formally offer her a judge's chair. Aretha says she is ready rest her chichis on the judge's table and sip from a cup full of Diet Coke Slurpee while turning bitches who can't sing into puddles of human gravy with her glare.

Aretha tells CNN that she wants to "play a vital role in choosing the next American Idol." Aretha is really threatening Fox with a good time, because she says she'll even bring along her friend Patti LaBelle. 

YAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS!

This is exactly what American Idol needs. Yes to Aretha, yes to Patti and yes to Aretha completing the trifecta of magic by getting Dionne Warwick. If you sing off key in front of Aretha and Dionne, Aretha will scalp you just by waving you away and Dionne will give you a number, hussy. The number to the nearest temp agency since you obviously need to get a day job. But sadly, Fox isn't going to make this happen. I mean, Fox hire a judge that can actually sing? HA! We know those bitches too well.

Sucio bitches who saved up wads of dollars bills to rub against OctoMom's c-section scar during her stripper debut at T's Club in Florida made a sad in their pants after she canceled that shit due to the club's employees throwing shade at her during an interview with a local news station. But because the rent is always due, you can't buy collagen injections with an EBT card and 14 screaming kids are always hungry, OctoMom re-booked at a different club in Florida. Octo made her stripper debut at Playhouse Gentlemen's Club in Hallandale, FL this past Friday night and I can't believe people didn't make it rain unused Pampers on her ass instead of making it rain dollar bills.

TMZ says that the fap porn superstar dropped her ass, did the #imbirthingmoney move (see picture above) and even gave a half-assed lap dance to a lady on stage. Octo made sperm counts instantly drop when she licked a lollipop as a sexy school girl and spanked herself while stripping to RiRi's S&M. Octo spanking herself is seriously some Fifty Shades of NO shit.

TMZ has more pictures if you that's what you need today and every single picture serves as a very important warning. If you get a back alley doctor to stuff your baby making area with two handfuls of embryos, you might give birth to your own personal child army. Then in to support that child army, you'll have to awkwardly work the pole at a Florida strip club while wearing the ugliest shoes I've ever seen. I'm all for Octo getting money, bitch, but I'm not for Octo doing it while wearing some "Minnie Mouse working the discount section of the ho stroll" shoes.

Here's the video for Madge's new single "Turn Up The Radio (Because My Hearing Aid Ain't Working))" and it's kind of like Driving Miss Daisy if Driving Miss Daisy took place in Florence, Italy and had 100% less Morgan Freeman and 100% more Madge crotch, turning hitchhikers in suits and man nipples. The song scrapes the skin off of my ear holes, because for some reason she sounds like a chipmunk on helium doing a baby voice and the video looks like it was ran through a few Instagram filters, but Madge is looking hot here. I'm probably only saying that because she's starting to look like Taylor Swift's pussy in the face.

Dear God, it's us, humanity, and we're finally ready for that apocalypse we've been promised.

The Rosemary's Baby theme loudly played in a doctor's office recently when an ultrasound scan picked up the terrifying image of an orange fetus in a mesh shirt. The ultrasound tech dropped the probe, ran to the nearest church and dipped their eyeballs in holy water to erase a picture that was more horrific than four horsemen farting out swarms of locusts while reading a newspaper with the headline: LINDSAY LOHAN WINS OSCAR (aka the true sign of the end, to be honest).

TMZ says that noted vagina-kicker Michael Lohan is procreating with Kate Major! In possibly related news, the unemployment rate just dropped 1%, because CPS has hired thousands of new agents to work in a new office right next to Kate Major's apartment.

Somehow between jumping into trees to escape the police and drunkenly beating on Kate, Michael Lohan found the time to fertilize her lady parts with the evil seed of Lohan. TMZ's sources say that Kate is in her first trimester and the act of her getting bareback dicked by Michael Lohan was illegal in more ways than one, because she had a restraining order out against him at the time of conception. The restraining order was lifted a few weeks ago, but I have a feeling that both Michael and Kate will get hit with another restraining order filed by their unborn fetus on behalf of EVERYONE.

Why? Why? Why did this happen? Why did our government do us wrong by not secretly spiking Michael Lohan's Axe dick lube with spermicide? Those two piece of trash fame whores might as well name their kid Poor Child, because that's what everyone's going to call it. And Lindsay Lohan better pick up a few more shifts at the escort agency, because she's got a new pair of nostrils to feed.

If you thought the residue left on the theatre seats after Magic Mike was bad, wait until the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. - ReneOkay

Runners-up:

"I'd like to speak to the manager please - I asked for NO LETTUCE in my burger." - Lucifer_Sam

There hasn't been that much cheese on a bun since Travolta's last uncircumcised "masseur" pulled out. - OurMissC

Dr. Oz dresses up for his audience to demonstrate how constipation works. - daisy100

via Kotaku

Ruby Jean Reynolds (as played to messy perfection by Alfre Woodard), Lafayette's Jesus-loving, schizophrenic, homo-hating mother on True Blood.

(True Blood spoiler alerts!) I'm happy that Lost's the Smoke Monster is getting work on cable TV, but True Blood is overdosing on story lines and they need to cut some shit to focus on what's really important. I don't need another scene from that annoying fairy club of dumb fairies doing a stupid fairy lambada dance choreographed by Abby Lee Miller. I don't need to see derpy dough person Hoyt getting his neck sucked AGAIN while dressed like Avril Lavigne. And I really don't need to see Eric's crazy sister on her knees (bitch is always on her knees) and praying to Lilith Crane. But what I really need is more of Eric caressing Alcide's cheek (more on that beautiful moment later, I hope) and RUBY JEAN REYNOLDS!!!

Alfre deserves all the Emmys for the side-eye-inducing sass she spit during one of the best scenes from last night's episode. I mean, this line right here needs to be hand-stitched on a throw pillow:

Ruby Jean needs her own spin-off show where she recaps the entire True Blood episode from her mental hospital bed while Lafayette rolls his eyes next to her. More Ruby Jean, less everything else!