This is what Disney got when they threw together $200 million, Sam Raimi James Franco, Mila Kunis, Rachel Weisz, Michelle Williams, Zach Braff (???) and slightly more special effects than your average Mimi photo shoot. This is the trailer for the prequel of Wizard of Oz, Oz: The Great And Powerful and it comes out next year after the world has ended.
James Franco plays some kind of scheming magician who gets sucked into a tornado and travels to a land made of leftover CGI effects from Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. James then meets the three witches: Mila Kunis, who looks like a cross between a bootleg Carmen Sandiego and a lost character from Clue, Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams. Even in a damn children's movie Michelle Williams looks sad, cold and on the verge of tears. Somebody get her a space blanket and a basket of kittens. Michelle plays Glinda, so shouldn't she be like singing and blowing out bubbles and shit? Anyway, once James meets them, they somehow decide that he's the first coming of God and is going to save Oz. It's kind of like how James Franco thinks he, James Franco, is the first coming of God and is going to save us with his ART.
Also, am I the only one who wishes that Oz: The Great And Powerful was a movie about Christopher Meloni having non-stop butt sex in a prison shower?
Click here if you can't see the trailer above.
After 2 seasons of molesting the lady contestants with his eyeballs, Steven Tyler (aka the most beautiful woman at the judge's table) has broken up with American Idol and won't be back next season. Steven (seen above giving us "Wyoming ranch matron" from the waist up and "rich grandma power walking in a fancy mall at 10am" from the waist down) released his broke up letter to the world and this mess of insane words is more entertaining than anything he said on Idol. This is the kind of crazy I want from Steven Tyler. Steven compared American Idol to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction and threw a meme in there.
“After some long...hard...thoughts…I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go of my mistress ‘American Idol’ before she boils my rabbit. I strayed from my first love, AEROSMITH, and I’m back – but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I’ve got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band. The next few years are going to be dedicated to kicking some serious ass – the ultimate in auditory takeover…On Nov. 6, we are unleashing our new album, Music from Another Dimension on the Earth, Moon, Mars, and way beyond the stars…IDOL was over-the-top fun, and I loved every minute of it…Now it’s time to bring Rock Back. ERMAHGERD.”
JLo is out of there too, unless FOX stuffs her honey glazed ham ass with more wads of cash (they won't and shouldn't), and so that just leaves Randy Jackson who is never going to quit that shit since he has the easiest job on TV next to Vanna White. Actually, Randy's job is easier than Vanna's, because she has to do hers standing up.
My choices for Steven Tyler and JLo's replacements are: Antoine Dodson, Sweet Brown, Hoku, Stevie B, a bottle of Vicodin covered in dog hair (an homage to Paula Abdul), a broken Furby and the old lady at my subway stop who always tells the platform performers to shut their mouths. Or FOX can just do to American Idol what Anne Archer did to Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction: shoot it dead in the bathroom. Then FOX will have room its schedule and can buy and bring back the reason why TV was invented in the first place. I'm talking about WB Superstar USA (yes, I'm posting another clip from this masterpiece of a wreck):
Kristen Stewart somehow lost her outfit on the way to Comic-Con and thankfully a time-traveling hooker/back-up dancer for Jem! from the 80s was kind of enough to lend her some shit to wear - Lainey Gossip
My guess is Katie Holmes is renaming Suri "Scout," because she promised not to change it to her first choice of XenuCanEatShit in the divorce settlement - The Superficial
The Tater Sisters still hate their mom. Oh well, more whip-its for Demi! - Celebitchy
Wayne Gretsky's daughter is back to trollin' for attention on Twitter - Drunken Stepfather
YAAASSS = The AbFab Olympics Special - Towleroad
It hurts the tips of my fingers to type this, but Jessica Biel looks good - Hollywood Tuna
WUSSES! All of them! - The Berry
What JLo really meant to say is, "Show me the MONAY, bitch!" - Popsugar
My one thought about this is, Kate Upton is only 20?! - ICYDK
Guinness Book of World Records, stand by, because methinks Stacy Keibler is about to beat Elisabetta Canalis' record as George Clooney's longest piece - Just Jared
Hayden Pantawhatever looking like the Homecoming Queen of the troll prom - Popoholic
The Cat Video Film Festival is going to be like the Coachella for lonely spinsters (and yes, I'm buying us all tickets) - OMG Blog
Are we sure that's just not Johnny Depp in a pink gingham shirt (no offense to Tasya) - Moe Jackson
On a totally different note, I wish my nickname was Vodka Mom - Videogum
Mischa Barton got a job.... in a stage production.... of Steel Magnolias.... in Ireland... and she's working as one of the ushers (no, she's a seat filler, silly) - I'm Not Obsessed
FOUND: Khloe Kardashian's baby videos - Cityrag
Penelope Cruz better do the right thing and name this one Concepcion - Hollywood Rag
(Picture via Pacific Coast News)
By popular demand, here's a NSFWish (without headphones due to a little scream cursing) video you might have already seen of a girl in an orange hoodie just fishing on her deck and being like, "Oh, hey fish, I just met you and this OHMYSHIT ITSAFAWKINGSHAAAAAWK!" Dude even says, "Reel it in!" Reel in a big ass shawk? He's crazy for that one. You know, if I was a shark, that's how I'd want to be greeted. I bet that shawk is sad it can never have a beer with that dude, because everybody should have a beer with that dude. It'd be the most exciting beer ever.
And now I'm off to the dentist again for another round of fun, so I'll be gone for a while. I know, my mouth will always be a dirty gutter trap, so I don't even know why I bother. Whatever, I just hope that my dentist has already seen this video and when he pulls out some disgusting crap from my mouth he screams, "It's a big ass shaaaawk!"
To answer the question in your head (the question being, "How can I say I'll hit it, if I don't even know what it's name is?"), like that has stopped you before, slut. But no, this is Dominic Cooper who was in Mamma Mia!, that Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter mess and My Week with Marilyn. Dominic also licked on the minge on Amanda Seyfried's foot for a little while. Here's Dominic and his girlfriend Ruth Negga hanging out at a pool in Italy today. And yes, I'd hit it. But I have a more important question...
Dominic sort of looks like a human French Bulldog to me. So let's say a witch turned a French Bulldog into Dominic Cooper right in front of me. Would it be wrong of me to hit it if I knew he was a French Bulldog just two seconds beforehand? Because if it is wrong, then no, I wouldn't... Oh, who am I fooling, I'd do it either way. I mean, if those shapeshifter-fuckers on True Blood do it....
The Hollywood Reporter says that Little Lord Tommy Girl and his band of lawyers have threatened to sue American Media Inc., the company that owns The National Enquirer, for spitting out slanderous lie after slanderous lie about his latest marriage and divorce. The National Enquirer will respond to the letter by shredding it into a tub of aloe vera oil and muddling it until it's the consistency of premium ass lube. Then they'll give it Tommy to rub on all the burns they put on his ass. Because that's a better use for that letter and The National Enquirer doesn't give two shits about Tommy's threats.
Tommy's lawyer Bertram Fields is especially chapped over the Enquirer's latest cover about Tommy's house of horrors. The story claims that Tommy locked Suri in a windowless room for five months and mentally abused Katie. Bert writes that the cover is "disgusting and lurid," is ruining Tommy's reputation and will cost Scientology's Little Miss Grand Supreme hundreds of millions of dollars of personal and professional damages. You can read the whole letter here, but here's a small piece:
"Your cover announces, as a fact, that 'THE REAL TOM CRUISE IS A MONSTER.' Mr. Cruise is certainly not a 'monster.' He is a caring father, a hardworking actor and, above all, an honest, decent man." The cover also includes the headline "Inside Tom's House of Horrors" alongside a picture of Cruise's Beverly Hills residence as well as allegations that Holmes led a "tortured life" with the actor before filing for divorce on June 28.
Can't Tommy use his True Blood-like powers to glamour the image of that cover from all of our memories? And can't he use his Carrie-like powers to move all copies of that shit from the newsstands into the gutter? I'm guessing that Tommy traded in a whole lot of reward tickets at the Scientology prize area to get those powers. Well, he needs to get all his tickets back, because those powers aren't working.
If Tommy wants to sue a bitch for ruining his reputation, he should sue himself. Tom Cruise ruined Tom Cruise's reputation. That said, somebody should still sue The National Enquirer for that fraudulent cover on the left. They made a nation believe that Tommy was up to no good when he got half-nekkid and slipped into bed with another woman. We all know that Tommy was only lying half-naked on a bed in the presence of a woman, because she was there to wax, bleach and henna tattoo the coordinates of Xenu's safe house on his ass lips. The public demands a retraction and clarification, Enquirer!
And here's Katie, Suri and Katie's mom at the Central Park Zoo yesterday. It's nice to see Suri interacting with human children without Scientology handlers grabbing her while screaming, "She's been exposed!"
Some of us have heard the stories and rumors that have painted (in Benjamin Moore shade: Douche Berry Brown) Alex Petmyfur as a boiled cunt sausage who is so difficult to work with that he makes butt fucking yourself with a wet hot dog bun seem easy and pleasant. Apparently, Channing Tatum found this out the hard way. Yeah, Channing looks like he's been punched in the face repeatedly and Alex needs to get punched in the face repeatedly.
Page Six says that while filming the blue ball inducer titled Magic Mike, Channing really wanted to grab Alex, pull down that trick's panties and brand the word "DIVA" into one of his nalgas. A source said that everyone on the Magic Mike set tried to get those two to play nice, but Channing washed his hands of Alex and wants nothing to do with him. The source says that's why Alex wasn't on the cover of Entertainment Weekly with the other hot pieces.
“Channing said he didn’t want to do [the shoot] if Alex was there,” our source sniffed. “Alex is known in Hollywood for being rude and difficult.” Previous reports have chronicled Pettyfer’s issues on other movie sets.
But a rep for Pettyfer told us about the EW shoot: “They were all offered the cover, and everyone was happy to do it with everyone else. Alex was unavailable to travel to New York . . . because he had another commitment that he couldn’t get out of. It was purely a logistical issue that prevented Alex from getting there.”
There's only one way to settle this: lubed-up sword fight at dusk on Joe ManJello's abs. Film it in 3D and there's your sequel to Magic Mike.
And here's Carol O'Neal and the Texas T-Rex obviously talking shit about Alex while posing for photographers at a photo call for Magic Mike in Berlin.
Seen here looking like a faaaaaaaaw-bulous lion, Andrew Garfield chokes out a bottle of body glitter every time somebody brings up Robert Pattinson's name, because he can't stand that block of mozzarella cheese covered in sparkle vamp skin (Andrew's supposed words, not mine, Twihards). While doing research for this highly important expose about the battle between pajama-wearing superheroes and broody disco balls who call themselves glittery vampires, I found picture after picture of Andrew and RPattz hugging on each other. But a source tells USWeekly that both of them are faking it through those hugs and Andrew is faking it better, because he's the real thespian of the two, thankyouverymuch.
The source says that it disgusts Andrew that he's put into the same category as RPattz, because he considers himself a highly serious actor who delivers his farts with more raw emotion than RPattz delivers his lines. (Side question: Do vampires fart?) The source went on to say that at a wedding for some Hollywood producer last month, Andrew and RPattz barely looked at each other. The source added this shit: "The truth is, Andrew can't stand Rob. Andrew hates that they're put in the same category because they're both English and around the same age. They don't enjoy hanging out. Andrew considers himself a 'serious actor' and sees Rob as the equivalent of a cheesy boy bander because of Twilight."
So the source is trying to tell us that this feud is over which one of them is better at doing acting shit? That's not what it's about. We all know what this is really about. When two 20-something British men snarl at each other, it's usually because of one thing and one thing only: HAIR!
Andrew is just jealous that no matter how much he grows out his wild mane, it will never summon the frolicking unicorns the way RPattz's does. Let's compare these two bitches:
Andrew should get some credit for giving us (Note: shake your finger when you read this or it won't count!) Lambert the Fiiiiiiercest Lion, but he still only gets 3 out of 5 Chantal Biyas:
RPattz on the other hand, 5 out of 5, duh:
When the angels stand on the edge of the clouds and dip their asses low, whose hair tips do they brush their butt cheeks against? Exactly. Stay jealous, Spidey Bitch, stay jealous.
On CNN last night, viewers watched what happens when an angry midget monkey and a smug, soft dick in a suit start talking about MURDER! Robert Blake was on Piers Morgan to whore out his memoirs where he writes about Our Gang, Baretta and other things, and it seems like Piers just wanted to talk about those other things including his wife's murder. Robert was found not guilty of Bonnie Lee Bakley's murder, but was found liable in a civil suit. I don't know if Robert murdered his wife, but if he did and got away with it, he should probably keep his tiny turtle lips shut and just fake cry uncontrollably anytime somebody brings it up. But on last night's show, Robert didn't keep his lips shut up about it and when after a bitch.
In the clip above, Robert's ass lips start to boil when he thinks Piers is accusing him of being a teller of lies and said, "I've never allowed anyone to ask me the questions you're asking." Robert tells Piers that he chose him for the interview, because he trusted him and Robert assumed Piers would trust him. Robert then said the line I'm going to use every time I want to change the subject with a bitch: "Then we better start talking about The Little Rascals."
In the clip below, Piers keeps pressing into the murder of Bonnie Lee Bakley and Robert sits there with his arms crossed like a cunty toddler sitting in a full diaper As Piers tries to dig deeper into his wife's murder, Robert puts his hand on Piers' shovel and says that the case is boring and irrelevant. Robert says that his wife's death isn't the most significant part of his life. It's like watching an elderly chihuahua growl at an empty douche bottle.
I couldn't find a clip of it, but later on in the interview, Robert calls Piers "Charlie Potatoes" (definition: a bitch who thinks he's hot shit) and keeps calling him Charlie for the rest of the night. Robert later said that Bonnie was a con artist and she was most likely murdered by someone she fucked over in the past.
The whole interview can be summed up in 2 words: U MAD?
I love that asshole Piers kept poking a trick. I love that asshole Robert poked back. And I really love that Robert looked like Elmer Fudd going to a gay cowboy bar. I really hope that when Piers sat his desk this morning, he found a gift basket from Robert full of a Little Rascals DVD, a butt dildo shaped like a middle finger and documents for Piers to legally change his name to Charlie Potatoes.
When Posh looked down and saw the fire department's rescue mattress, she decided to stay inside and burn to death. - perky
What happened when Mario Batali got involved in an Extreme Makeover: Home Addition for the Old Woman who lived in a shoe. - ISprainedMyUvula
Finally, a bigger croc than the Travoltas' marriage. - ProfessorVP
I swear I said "Giant blue COCK" when I was ordering from that Japanese catalog! - MJF
Finally, a foot big enough to fit into Kathie Lee's mouth. - Eileenie McMeanie