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Jessica Simpson took a break from trying to make that Weight Watchers money by dropping 50 pounds of post-baby chunk in 5 months and posed for this Twitter portrait while taking Baby Maxi Pad for a stroll around the block. I know, just pounds of veiny titty balls hitting your monitor. Jessica has the entire Wisconsin milk industry up in there. You know how Salma Hayek single-tittedly SAVED humanity by breastfeeding starving orphans in third world countries? Jessica doesn't even have to travel to do that. Homegirl just has to point her titty to the air, direct her leche knob to the nearest third world country and squirt. It'd rain Jessica leche all over that country. Seriously, Baby Maxi probably has to put on snorkel gear before she eats.

I'm all for Jessica trying to get attention with help from her magnificent chichis, but this picture is not the look. With her mouth wide open and those deranged bee sunglasses on, she looks like a Bumble Bee Tuna Bee Real Doll.

via UsWeekly 

No, this is not another post about Pet Monster.

Snooki still has a pickleling growing in her vodka chamber called a womb and she's still wearing sky high death shoes (okay, I know those platforms are like 4 inches tall, but that's half of Snooki's total heigh, so they're totally sky high to her).

While looking like a mutant pineapple, Snooki strolled through Seaside Heights, NJ the other day and nearly smashed her unborn baby when she tripped on her own stupidity and went down. Dumb bitch. I know Snooki is used to being on her knees with her mouth open in public, but wait until your poor baby is born first, bitch! Damn. That poor child is going to be raised by two Gorilla dingles, will have to wear Affliction onesies, will have to sleep in a tanning bed cradle, will probably be born with cirrhosis of the liver and now he has to worry about getting a concussion?

Snooki ALWAYS needs to have a seat, but this time she really needs to have a seat.

My Pet Monster! Earlier this week, Adidas pulled their Jeremy Scott shackle sneakers, because some people looked at those fugly ass things and screamed "SLAVERY! RACISM! SOME KUNTA KINTE SHIT!" When I first looked at those vomit shoes, the word "slavery" didn't hit my head at first, but I did see several layers of ugly and I prepared myself for the heaves I'd make while seeing stupid shits stroll around with those prisoners of fug sneakers on their feet (I'm talking to you, Justin Bieber). Jeremy Scott said that slavery didn't even cross his mind while designing those sneakers. Jeremy says he was inspired by the Khloe Kardashian of 80s toys: My Pet Monster! To which I say, My Pet Monster deserves better than those ugly ass shoes.

My Pet Monster was a toy from the 80s and everything you see is basically everything you got. I didn't have one, but a couple of my friends did and we used to take turns handcuffing each other with those orange cuffs. Then we'd beat on each other. I was kind of weird in a "50 Shades of Inappropriate" kind of way, but that was the 80s! There was also a direct-to-VHS movie and you don't have to press play on the trailer to know that it was a mess.

Oh, the 80s, when a toy maker's acid trips became reality....and later a direct-to-VHS shit show.

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KT Tunstall (37)
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I'll wait here as you wipe away the glittery hummingbird juice that secreted out of your nipple slits after you laid eyes on that picture on the left. All wiped up? Okay, so I've never gotten a vibe from Casper Smart that he loves to gargle on peen morning, noon and night. Never. But now everything has changed thanks to this picture which is as gay as a unicorn getting DPed by a rainbow and a pink toy poodle named Mon Cherie. Radar points us to the Twitter page of Joshua Lee Ayers, a dancer who has worked with Casper in the past and claims that JLo's bought-and-paid-for piece sucks L.A. dick on the down low. To back up his claim, Joshua tweeted this picture of Casper making a "your peen goes here" pose while working a kaleidoscope in his shorts. That's the only receipt I need! via Radar:

"Check out Ur boy… And his low key homo ways," Joshua wrote on a photo of Casper that he posted on his Twitter account in March.

In the photo, Casper is shirtless, wearing shiny gold short shorts obviously stuffed with something, a sparkly bejeweled belt, a scarf and a deer hunter hat while surrounded by other shirtless men in their underwear.

On May 24, Joshua posted another photo of Casper showing off his cheekbones with the caption: "I know what I know, Not love, a lot of business and public relations."

JLo's rep denies that Casper is gay and says that it must be a slow news week. I resemble that comment!

But seriously, that pic doesn't prove anything. How many straight dudes have gotten drunk on malt liquor and ended up giving sugar to the camera while wearing a rhinestone belt? Entire frats wouldn't exist if shit like that didn't go down on the regular. Casper could scream for peen, poon or both. It doesn't matter. There's only two things that matter: 1) Casper is representing hard for the gold digger community and; 2) That duck-faced bitch looks hotter in a pair of gold shorty shorts than JLo does. Werk it, guurrrrrl.

45-year-old Sam Taylor-Wood married the 22-year-old father of her two kids Aaron Johnson. Yeah, Sam was Aaron's age when he was born. The only thing I want to know is if Sam is going to wait until after the honeymoon to teach a class at The Learning Annex on how to achieve an A+ head game since that's obviously how she got herself this hot piece. I have my tuition money ready.  - Lainey Gossip 

Happy Man Nipple Friday - The Berry 

Dick Cheney is somebody's father-in-law - Towleroad

Who knew that the image of a lion eating a zebra with its ass would be the most stunning image I've ever seen - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Johnny Depp was passing his peen to everyone including his publicist - Celebitchy

Another day, another set of pictures of Miley Cyrus looking like a Piggly Wiggly lot lizard - The Superficial 

FYI: A baby came out of Anna Faris' vagine - ICYDK

Mila Kunis gives a teddy bear a face full of ass - Popoholic

I can't be happy for Zachary Quinto when he's wearing SALMON FUCKING COLORED SHORTS - Just Jared

Oh, Zachary Quinto could've worn worse... He could've worn the rags of fug Stepford Katie wore - Popsugar

I don't know if it's part of the plot or anything, but the Wizard looks constipated - Videogum

Ciara goes SANS FARDS to dine in the Garden of Chicken Cutlets - Crunk + Disorderly

John Stamos would have a mirror in front of his bathtub - SOW

We're still trying to make Blake NotSoLively happen - I'm Not Obsessed

Pupeh's first time - Cityrag

BARF. - Hollywood Rag

I'm just here for the Lady Chablis....and RuPaul..... and Raquel Welch.... and Cristal Connors - OMG Blog

Professional strutter Joe Jonas made b-holes pucker into a frenzy in NYC yesterday when he and a friend (excuse me, THAT friend) power swished through the city before eating tossed salads together. That sentence can be taken literally or as a euphemism. It works either way. Joe let it be known that he wasn't loving the paps capturing this Get Physical moment with his hot man friend and he threatened them with a good time by flipping them the hell off. Damn, Joe. Do you fuck your purity ring with that finger? But I do love it when Joe gets bitchy. And the only thing that really bothers me about that picture is the tiny speck of dirt I see under his nail. I faint.

Joe Jonas is supposed to be pristine at all times and you know he spends 2 hours of his morning shampooing, deep conditioning and brushing his otter brows. So it's disappointing that he allowed his nails to be seen in public looking like that. How dreadful. I really hope that after tossing salads he and his man friend got his and his mani/pedis.

Karen Klein, the 68-year-old bus monitor from Greece, NY who was verbally attacked by a pack of little cuntmeisters, has been making the media rounds and last night she landed on MahBoo369me. During the interview, Anderson Cooper read apologies that two of the boys pushed out to the media. One of the boys, Josh, issued this statement and I'm sure his parents wrote it after he threatened to piss on their doorstep if they didn't. It's straight out of a bull's culo:

"I am so sorry for the way I treated you. When I saw the video I was disgusted and could not believe I did that. I am sorry for being so mean and I will never treat anyone this way again."

The memaw in Karen finally poked out and she pretty much farted on Josh's apology and the apology from the other kid. Karen dragged Josh when she said that he's also been a troublemaker and she'd never trust anything out of his mouth. YES! Drag that bitch, Karen! Chancleta slap him with your words!

Karen says that she's still waiting for a real apology and not one that's released to the media first. Karen doesn't think the boys are evil down to the core, but she does think they should be punished by doing community service and getting kicked off the bus for a year.

And about that donation money...

Karen's pot is filled with over $530,000. Karen told Anderson that she doesn't think the money will ever find its way into her checking account, because it's too good to be true. The dude who started the fundraiser still claims that it's not a scam and the money will never touch his hands. Oh, and Southwest is also giving Karen a free trip to Disneyland for 9 people.

Yes, Karen is probably (hopefully) going to get over half-a-million dollars for this shit. I know we're all thinking the same thing. Why didn't YouTube exist when we were getting bullied in middle school?! We'd retired to Thailand at the age of 16. The whole "donation" thing is getting crazy and is sort of out of control, but whatever. I guess people watch the video, feel for Karen and since they can't give her a hug, they give her something even better than a hug: MONAY!

And since I donated $10 early on and Karen is now way richer than me, I fully expect her to buy me a drink and some cheese fries.

Just 8 months after breaking up with his wife of 11 years and mother of his two children, James Marsden has already knocked another ho up! James learned that the quickest way to give a trick a case of the BABIES!!! is to sex her without a condom on. Imagine that! Page Six says that James is about to become a father to a baby friend he made with 24-year-old Brazilian model Rose Costa.

A quick second after James' marriage buried itself in a shallow grave, he met Rose in NYC and screwed around with her for a few months. They only lasted a few months and I'm sure James was all ready to forget Rose's full name, but then she called him up not too long ago and let him know that he better remember her name, because he'll have to write on a check every single month for the next 18 years! Rose is about 3 or 4 months pregnant and plans to keep the baby.

Some of these dudes who come out of long marriages are TOO excited about letting their dicks free. They cum in anything and everything but a condom. This is one of the reasons why peen gloves exist. They exist so you can happily fuck on a rebound without worrying about being tied to that trick for the rest of your life. Somebody should've really told James how the whole rebound thing works. You're only supposed to fuck with one rebound for a little while before you eventually delete their number from your phone because you've moved on to the next rebound or whatever. But it's kind of hard to delete a jump-off's number when you have to call her every other week to set up visitation times with the kid you made together. Oh, James, James, James...

Former Mr. Eva Longoria, Tony Parker, was at W.i.P nightclub the night Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown's entourages got into a bottle-throwing, bloody bitch brawl. Tony had to go to the hospital after the fight, because a shard of glass flew into his eye and cut up his cornea. Tony is now suing a bitch and he's not suing Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown for acting like rabid toddlers on roids. Tony is suing the nightclub...for $20 million. THIS BITCH. Oh wait, Tony has a scratched eyeball, so he might not be able to see that. Let me try again:

THIS BITCH. 

TMZ says that in the lawsuit filed yesterday, Tony says that the club security should've known it was a bad move to put Drake and Chris Brown in the same section together. Tony goes on to say that the club made shit worse by continuing to serve Chris and Drake as much booze as they ordered. Tony thinks that the club cared more about making money than the safety of the other hos in the club. Tony is suing for $20 million, because his NBA career will be affected if his cornea doesn't heal all the way.

From now on, Tony Parker should follow my rule about clubs. I only go to classy clubs that don't have a VIP section, don't do bottle service and serve all their booze in plastic cups. A rule to live by.

And Tony's ass should really sue Wheelchair Jimmy and Fist Brown instead. They're the ones with the money and they're the douchebags who started it all. The only way this lawsuit makes sense is if you told me that a shard of glass also made its way up to Tony's head and cut the part of his brain that produces reasonable thoughts.