Archives

"Hand me the foreskin sweat-flavored lip gloss. Johnny has to do this shit with FEELING!" is probably the line Kelly Preston spit at her Scientology-appointed handler in the limo minutes before she did this with John Travolta on the red carpet at the L.A. premiere of his movie Savages last night. John and Kelly tried to make the public forget about all the tales of his tingling, man-hungry Scientolohole by putting on a good-old fashioned, manufactured public display of ewwwffection show in front of the cameras. It didn't work. This is about as natural as the beaver's ass on John's head.

Just yesterday, yet another dude dropped a sexual harassment lawsuit on John Travolta's gitchi gitchi ya ya anus, so I understand why John and Kelly's publicist choreographed this stunt, but they should've rehearsed more. These pictures are where awkward goes to feel more awkward. John is trying to use his Scientology training to imagine Kelly Preston's lips as a succulent, twitchy man hole and she knows this, which is why her eye is saying "Please tell me this is almost over...." to the photographer.

Hugh Jackman and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness need to teach a class at the Learning Annex on How To Successfully Shoot Down The Gay Rumors with Some Public Beard Love, because those two know how to do it without overdoing it.

On a positive note, at least this gives Tommy Girl and the boys at the Scientology bath house something to giggle about as they do themselves in the butt with e-meter cans.

"Jethus Chrith Thuperthar" - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

Another virgin sacrifice is sent to Kunty Karl. - 5ft_terror

Debbie Phelps always warned Michael that if he kept breathing like that, his mouth would freeze in that position. - BaconSlut

Danny Moder decides to dress as his wife for Halloween. - crankenstein

via Eat Liver

Holly from ABC's copy + paste version of Big Brother called The Glass House, or as I like to call it "Why In The Name Of The Chenbot Am I Watching This Piece Of Shit?"

This post has a couple SPOILERS from last night's episode and typing that sentence made me feel dumber than usual. How can this be a SPOILER ALERT when there's nobody out there to spoil, because nobody watches this mess. The only stupid bitches watching this are me and Julie Chen's robot rival (my guess is her robot rival is Michael Fassbender from Prometheus) who is trying to get back at her by watching the show that copied hers.

Anyway, during last week's episode, most of the house guests decided they were all going to send Primetime 99 Alex Stein, the dried douche stain on a Lacoste polo shirt collar, into Limbo. (Limbo is where two house guests go while viewers decide which one should go back into the house.) Everyone stuck with the plan except for 21-year-old student/retail slave Holly. Holly voted for Erica instead. So on last night's episode, everyone tried to figure out who went against the house by voting for Erica. They straight up asked Holly if it was her and she denied it. But then the guilt almost ate at her lip gloss, so she admitted she's the one who went against the group.

Later on, most of the women gathered around Holly and wanted to know what else she's lied about. How can they trust Holly in a game that's all about lying? So they asked Holly if she's really an art major. Holly said yes. They asked her who her favorite artist is. Holly's only response was a blank stare followed by a trail of "uhuhuhuhs." Bitch couldn't name ONE artist. She didn't say Picasso, Monet, Courtney Love, Thomas Kinkade or Jack from Titanic. None of them. If Holly had one brain cell that worked on a full-time basis, she would've said that her favorite artist is "Uhuhuhuhs" and only an art major like her would know who that is. That's how underground Uhuhuhuhs is and that's how much she knows about art, bitches. But no....

Holly confessed to lying about being an art major. She's a psychology major, but she didn't want anyone to know, because she didn't want them to think that she can play with their minds. HA. Holly couldn't win in a psychological game against a bunny's turd. One of the women then asked Holly to name a psychologist she's studied in school. Holly gave an answer and the answer was classic:

DR. PHIL!!!!!!

This ho said Dr. Phil. Not even Dr. Drew. Dr. Phil! But really, Holly is smarter than me, because I would've said Dr. Lucy van Pelt.

Of course, the house guests are all threatened by Holly's genius brain, so they voted her into Limbo this week. They can't get rid of Holly. I love Holly and she's the only reason to watch that mess. SAVE HOLLY! 

Nick Offerman (42)
Aubrey Plaza (28)
Jason Schwartzman (32)
Nathan Followill (33)
Ryan Tedder (33)
Derek Jeter (38)
Gretchen Wilson (39)
Rebecca Budig (39)
Chris O'Donnell (42)
Irv Gotti (42)
Paul Thomas Anderson (42)
Sean Hayes (42)
Matt Letscher (42)
Harriet Wheeler (49)
Terri Nunn (51)
Patty Smyth (55)
Chris Isaak (56)
Mick Jones (57)
Robert Davi (59)
Gilberto Gil (70)

Running out on your bride when she's standing right in front of you at your wedding is not okay.....unless she's covering your face with a veil of her spit while singing out Xtina's "The Right Man." If you don't want permanent skin creases around your mouth area, hold the bottom part of your face, because your natural instinct will be to cringe through this entire awkward mess of a video. I cringed for everyone involved. I cringed for that crazy bride, who's obviously a theater major, for thinking that Glee is real life. I cringed for that hot lady in the green, because she had to resist the urge to stop that crazy bride's singing by pulling that trick's train real hard. I'm cringing for everyone in the pews for having to control themselves from barfing up huge chunks of laughs. I'm cringing for that dude with the Oakley sunglasses on his head for not knowing that it's never okay to wear Oakley sunglasses on your head indoors (that was more of a cringing side note). And I'm especially cringing for the groom who has to take a face full of his future wife's belting while wishing that he'll suddenly come down with a severe case of explosive diarrhea so he has a reason to run out of there. But your bride making all sorts of constipation faces while singing a song in the aisle IS a good reason to quit that bitch.

What a high school talent show MESS. That groom looks like he wants to fall backwards into a coffin and die, but he's afraid what she'll sing at his memorial.

I wonder which Xtina song she sang after the ceremony when her new husband said he had to get something from the car AND NEVER FUCKING CAME BACK. I'm guessing she went with "Walk Away" or "Beautiful."

And deep down, I really hope this is viral marketing for Oakley.

via CNN (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)

Demure flower Spaz de la Huerta and Terry Richardson continue to make "art" that requires a penicillin shot after seeing it - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

A totally knocked up Megan Fox and David Silver bond over the upcoming birth of their silver fox baby in a completely natural and not-at-all staged photo shoot they didn't get paid for - Popsugar

Jessica Biel took her ass to Puerto Rico - Lainey Gossip

If only these jetpacks shot directly into the sun - The Superficial

Sad news, the last known Pinta Island Tortoise has died. Well, at least we still have the Playboy Mansion Tortoise named Hugh Hefner - Towleroad

Victoria Silvstedt does the gold digger happy dance every gold digger does when her sugar daddy transfers funds into her checking account - Hollywood Tuna

What happens when wigs, Katy Perry and Sacha Baron Cohen's costume closet get together - The Berry

Looking like Falcor in Morticia Addams drag - Celebitchy

Since I don't like saying anything nice and I have nothing not-nice to say about Jason Segel and Michelle Williams, I'll just call that fence ugly - Just Jared

Kate Hudson went on a yacht and if she chose to be funny by reenacting scenes from Overboard, I hope she chose the scene where Goldie Hawn falls into the ocean - ICYDK

Oh yeah, girls were also at the Magic Mike premiere. I didn't notice the first time. - Popoholic

Ed Westwick takes the runway and works that Dirty Sanchez on his upper lip - OMG Blog

Susan Lucci is the most glamorous lollipop I've ever seen - SOW

Jenna Jameson officially charged with drunkenly crashing into a pole - Hollywood Rag

Julia Roberts makes the same mad face everyone who paid to see Mirror, Mirror made after seeing that mess - Cityrag

Reese Witherspoon admits that she's knocked up - I'm Not Obsessed

So that's what the dad from Just the Ten of Us has been up to - Videogum

It took me a few blinks to realize that's dried blood on crazy's face and it's not from a salad tossing gone terribly, terribly wrong.

This beautiful mug shot portrait that looks like it's straight from the Faces of Bath Salts Hall of Fame was taken after 29-year-old (yes, 29 in human years and not Courtney Stodden years) Kelsey Smith was arrested in Deltona, FL for DUI. Kelsey resisted arrest, banged his face against the roof of the police car and spit blood at the officers before his ass was tamed twice with a taser gun. Proving that you can't keep a drunk crazy down for long even if you electrify his anus lips twice, Kelsey refused to sit still for his glamour shot and had to be held down by gloved officers.

Florida needs to tell us what kind of drugs this tweaked bear was on, because those are the drugs to stay away from. I'm saying that, because I don't want to snort a drug that somehow leads my tongue to looking like one of Khloe Kardashian's wax strips. At least, I think that's fur on his tongue... But then again, I could've been right this first time when I thought this was a salad tossing gone wrong. I don't want to know. I know too much already.

via Gawker & TSG

Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN'T with him for wearing a guido's funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don't want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, "Take all them panties off, mister!" That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes' clothes. Somebody has to.

I've already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you're going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!

In case you needed to know that Wonky McValtrex is as good at DJing as she is at sucking dick, here's that piece of trash pretending to push a bunch of buttons and turn knobs during her debut DJ set at the Sao Paolo Music Festival. Fucking a DJ (or two, or three, or forty) does not make this skank a DJ. Wonks probably thinks DJ Afrojack passed his mixing skills to her through his jizz stream. If that was possible, Wonks wouldn't only be the world's greatest DJ. She'd also be the world's greatest drug dealer, reality show contestant, basic cable actor, singer, porn star, bass player, club doorman, bathroom attendant, Walgreens stock boy, homeless man living under a bridge and (insert the occupation of every man in the L.A. area).

Is there such a thing as dj-synching, because there's no way Wonks made music come out of those speakers by herself. Bitch can't even operate an Etch-A-Sketch. Wonks put on that craft project Lady GaGa outfit and pretended to DJ while one of her crotch crabs was really the one pressing play on the iPod under that table.

Here's Miss Tits Against Vaccines herself Jenny McCarthy celebrating her upcoming 40th birthday by posing naked on her sixth cover of Playboy. From those Girls Just Wanna Have Fun gloves to the fact that Playboy dulled every single Photoshop tool while making this cover, this shit is a mess. But a bigger mess is Jenny using the words "class" and "elegant" to describe her "Photoshopped into another face" spread. Jenny barfed up this pile of LOLs to People:

"I'm really proud of it. The pictures are really gorgeous and classy. They could be out of W magazine. They're really elegant. It's probably a lot more sophisticated than a lot of the stuff you'd see of people with their clothes on."

The words "Jenny McCarthy" and "elegant" go together like the words "Jenny McCarthy" and "sane." The only way Jenny's spread could be described as "sophisticated" is if they covered her Joker face and body with a pink velvet blanket and laid Shauna Sand on top of her. Also, please tell me while Jenny posed nekkid ass nekkid in an air-conditioned studio, karma twirled in and blew a case of whooping cough right at her.

And I bet the classiest picture in the spread is the one of Jenny McCarthy flashing the message "Jim Carrey Hates Kids (Even More Than I Do!)" shaved into her full pube bush. Yes, Jenny shaved all those words into her bush. She's got a really wide bush.