The CFDA Awards (which are like the Golden Globes of fashion since the Barbizon graduates fashion show is the Oscars of fashion, duh) were held in NYC last night and the modern day Grady Twins slithered onto the red carpet to almost touch nipples for the photographers while slyly smirking. I was taught in catechism class to never trust an evil Olsen's smirk, but these pictures of Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen aren't making the slivers of my soul cry. For once, they don't totally look like they're chewing on the cartilage of baby squirrels while killing us softly with their eyes. They kind of look like the Marilyn and Lily Munster in all-lemur production of The Munsters. And yes, I'm typing this all with one hand while holding a crucifix dipped in holy water at my monitor. I still don't trust those bitches even if they look human now.
Since Mary-Kate Olsen is trying to become the grown up Queen of France, or some shit, she went for a more sophisticated (or as my cousin says it, "sophistimicated") look by dying her hair the color of her soul. I read a comment on another site that said by dying her hair brown, MKO is trying to look like a young Carla Bruni. Ho, please. The only way MKO could look like Carla Bruni is if she crawled into Carla's mouth and took over her body. I shouldn't give that Trollsen any ideas.
Here's a few more pictures from last night's Golden Globes of fashion. In order: The Trollsens with Lauren Hutton, Marc Jacobs with his porn piece, Karen Elson, Pharrell Williams (dressed like Little Lord WTF), John Waters with guest, Phil Collins' daughter, a stunning spider woman beauty, Jessica Chastain, Jennifer Titty, Heather Graham, Zoe Saldana, Mandy Moore, Chupa, Michelle Harper and Basement Baby.
Unless Prince Hot Ginge takes off his fancy uniform, jumps on top of a horse riding in the procession to Buckingham Palace and hula hoops a cock ring of fire with his peen, Grace Jones' performance at the concert yesterday is the only highlight of the Diamond Jubilee. While dressed like a peacock from Mars, Grace Jones performed "Slave to the Rhythm" while keeping a hula hoop up with her hip shimmies. Cancel Britain's, America's and (insert the name of every country followed by a "'s" here) Got Talents, because Grace Jones has won all of them.
Apparently, Grace has done this before, but this is the first time I've seen it. I'm sure it was The Queen's first time too, which is why I'm disappointed that she didn't run up to the foot of the stage to throw all her crown jewels at Grace. Grace earned 'em!
Try to copy+paste those moves, Lady Caca.
The Kardasians lied! They said you could only get that size in black. - s2jstewart
Gonna lose that board if Janice Dickinson is doing backstroke. - El Bastardo
Man that water IS cold, She went out on a surfboard but came back on a wakeboard! - Whamo
It was an awkward day at surf camp for Ella Blue Travolta after she accidentally took her dad's surfboard. - LatriceRoyale
Elfo Dannilu, an overgrown Brazilian singing elfman who is a master at the tweezers, has a meticulously manicured goatee, is what you get when you replace the douchiness in Criss Angel with glitter, dresses like the guy in your IT department who is really obsessed with the pirate show at Treasure Island and is so dedicated to keeping an A+ eyebrow game that he has grown an extra pair at the end of his sideburns. (Note: A true eyebrow master always keeps an understudy pair waiting in the wings just in case.) Elfo Dannilu is like a butch Harald Glööckler. Watch his cover of Kate Bush's Wuthering Heights and get into his graceful arm ballet moves. Elfo Dannilu was obviously a Motown back-up singer in a past life:
Marky Mark (41)
Pete Wentz (33)
Chad Allen (38)
Wayne Brady (40)
Claus Norreen of Aqua (42)
Brian McKnight (43)
Ron Livingston (45)
Lisa Cholodenko (48)
Kenny G (56)
Kathleen Kennedy (59)
Jill Biden (61)
Suze Orman (61)
Laurie Anderson (65)
Stefania Sandrelli (66)
Fred Stone (66)
Colm Wilkinson (68)
Earlier I posted a picture that was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, but looked more like somebody's uncle in five cent drag as Lara Flynn Boyle. Lifetime is trying to wipe that skid mark of a picture with this official photo of LiLo as Liz and Grant Bowler as Richard Burton. This some "I vant to suck the coke in your blood" shit, but it's an upgrade. If the entire movie is shot in black & white, every frame is Photoshopped and they only shoot half of LiLo's face, it might work! And now that I look at that picture again. It doesn't look like Dracula. It looks like he's doing a line off her neck.
And here's LiLo shooting scenes today in Marina Del Rey and sort of kind of not really looking totally like Elizabeth Taylor....during her Larry Fortensky era. If LiLo came to a Halloween party dressed like this and told you she was Elizabeth Taylor, you'd nod your head and think to yourself that you'll probably see the resemblance after you crack a full vodka bottle open over your head and pour its contents into your drink hole.
Several of you sent this mess to me today and as I was reading about this Chuck Testa-approved art project I slowly laughed until my laughs turned into dry heaves. Oh, the fuckery produced by the human brain never ceases to amaze me.
When Orville, a cat belonging to Dutch artist Bart Jansen, got hit by a car and died, he wasn't cremated and poured into a wooden box like most cats. Bart looked at Orville's dead body and somehow decided to turn his beloved cat friend into a hovercraft pussy. I'm guessing that when Bart's brain barfed up that thought, his mouth was placed firmly on a bong full of PCP-laced weed. Or maybe Bart was just high on art, because art is a helluva drug on its own.
The L.A. Times said that Bart used his hands to attach a propeller to each one of Orville's paws and not once did he think he should use his hands for something more productive. You know like slapping the shit out of himself for turning his dead cat's body into a flying toy. After Bart finished his creation called the Orvillecopter (file that under: things I can't with), he debuted it at the KunstRai ArtFair in Amsterdam. Bart said that this what Orville would've wanted, because what cat wouldn't want to be soaring through the sky with the birds?
"After that he received his wings posthumously. Now he is flying with the birds. The greatest goal a cat could ever reach!"
Orville doesn't look like he's happy to be flying through the sky with the damn birds. Orville looks terrified. Like he just got hit by a car. Oh wait. I don't even know what to write about this. Is turning your dead cat into a working helicopter as crazy as turning a dead bear into a rug? Yes. Does Orville give a shit about this? Probably not, but that doesn't make it right or okay. Think of all the tiny birds who are having tiny bird heart attacks over seeing the last sign of their rapture: an overlord hovercat. Birds are doomed when pussies can fly.
I'm making a vow that if my dog kisses the mouth of the Grim Reaper before me, I will not turn his body into a helicopter. Flying is a physical activity and my lazy dog is allergic to every physical activity, so I will not disrespect him like that. I'll turn him into a sofa pillow instead. And if I go first, he can turn me into a bacon dispenser. See, we respect each other!
Benji Schwimmer comes out as a gay Mormon as Derek Hough whistles while looking up at the sky - Towleroad
Sharpen your shank: Your boyfriend has taken THE MOST HATED WOMAN IN THE WORLD to see his homeland - Lainey Gossip
Jason Alexander gives the apology of apologies for calling cricket "gay" - Celebitchy
Not sure what's going on in this picture of Katherine Jenkins, but her bare nalgas made an appearance - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Somebody please explain to me what the meaning of that black sleeveless lab coat on Mila Kunis' body is - The Superficial
There are actual Barbie dolls that look more organically human than Gretchen Rossi does - Hollywood Tuna
From the vintage panty creamer archives: Paul Newman - The Berry
Emma Roberts has a leg-off with a parking meter pole - Popoholic
I want to see Alicia Keys and CoCo in a thigh wrestling match - IDLYITW
If you're 11-years-old, here's some pictures of Bella Thorne. Also, if you're 11-years-old, what are you doing here? This foolery zone is for adults only! - ICYDK
Zuma should be mad that he's dressed like Avril Lavigne - Popsugar
So I guess Chinese princesses dress like Japanese geishas sometimes. Asian history according to RiRi - Just Jared
Me while watching Mad Men last night - Crunk + Disorderly
Daniel Tush - Videogum
Stock up on your Sharpies and coochie cutters, Canada, because Pamela Anderson is moving back - Hollywood Rag
Why DJs should insult Snowflake Minaj's shit songs more often - I'm Not Obsessed
Dear Charlie Sheen, Mr. Burns wants his signature sneer back - Cityrag
(Picture via Benji's MySpace)
Showing those bitches at BODIES: The Exhibition that they aren't the only chemically preserved carcasses who can put on a show, the world's first supermess posed and posed and posed for the paparazzi in Malibu while wearing bikini bottoms cut so low that you can practically see the top of her Dickinson. Show those young hos how's it's done, Janice. Pose your skin off, bitch! No, I really think she's literally posing her skin off.
Rubbing her octopoon on camera opened OctoMom up to a whole new world of ho shit opportunities and she's taking one of those opportunities by flying to Florida to shake her titty bags on stage at one of West Palm Beach's finest strip clubs. Since the zombie apocalypse has desensitized everyone's sense of sight, T's Lounge decided now is a good time to hire OctoMom as a featured entertainer.
TMZ says that Octo will do two shows a night from July 11th to the 15th. Those of you hoping to find out if Octo's got two sets of duck lips will have to wait until her fap porn comes out later this summer, because she's keeping her chonies on at T's Lounge. Octo will only go topless and won't be giving lap dances in the champagne room. T's Lounge will pay Octo thousands of dollars to rub her c-section scars against the stripper people.
So to recap, OctoMom is going to awkwardly tweak her half-naked baby making machine body to Creed's With Arms Wide Open at a Florida strip club. This sounds like my kind of event. Dlisted field trip!
And before OctoMom gets on the pole, they should slather that pole with spermicide and wrap it with layers and layers of condom rubber. I know Octo's last batch of babies came from IVF, but I still believe that bitch is so damn fertile that if her crotch came in contact with an unsanitized stripper pole, she'd find herself knocked up again.