Adele will be relieved to know that she can take her sweet time having and raising that baby friend, because while she's gone this dog right here can entertain us all. This howler's got it covered.
Just when I thought that this Friday would be like every other day this week, slower than Kristen Stewart, the news keeps pouring out. The drought is over (today at least). First we hear that Katie Holmes has finally crawled out of Scientology's asshole and now Adele tells us that she's knocked up. Adele announced on her site today that she's going to have her first baby with her boyfriend Simon Konecki. And today is one of those days where I don't even give a fuck that Adele launched herself over the moon while writing this statement on her iPad. Bitch only gets one OTM warning, though, and this is it!
Im delighted to announce that Simon and I are expecting our first child together. I wanted you to hear the news direct from me, obviously we’re over the moon and very excited but please respect our privacy at this precious time. Yours always, Adele xx
Everybody should respect Adele's privacy at this precious time, but only because she's going to yodel out every detail about it in her next album anyway. Adele is going to go from singing about getting burned by a lovah to singing about making babies. I can already see the song titles...Spermin' in the Deep, Chasing Pampers, Set Fire to the Nappies, etc....
Here's Adele and her piece Simon and their first child, a puppy, earlier this year.
Katie Holmes and Suri are finally FREE AT LAST! This mess just in from People:
After five years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting a divorce, PEOPLE has learned exclusively.
"This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family," says Holmes's attorney Jonathan Wolfe. "Katie's primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter's best interest."
Every Scientologist just dropped the dick out of their mouth. Tommy Girl and Katie haven't been photographed together in what feels like eons, but I really thought they had at least 5 more years of fakery since nothing keeps a marriage going like a contract written in your own blood. NOTHING IS SACRED anymore, not even fake marriages. Brace yourselves, because we're going to be hearing about this for months or until Tommy eventually gets himself another beard wife. Then we'll do this all over again. My money's on Rooney Mara. She's young, and she looks like an alien AND a boy. Get that beard, Tommy!
Here's Katie looking like cold hell on the outside (but probably couch jumping on the inside) while leaving her NYC apartment with Suri the other day.
Alec Baldwin couldn't let another week go by without shoving the fear into a paparazzo and so outside of this apartment in Manhattan this morning, he proved to all of us once again that he should've played the grizzly in The Edge. TMZ says that the pap Alec went after has apparently been bothering the residents in his building. Since Alec is a protector of his own turf and loves a good reason to rage until the veins on his ass lips pop open, he squeezed the pap's arm while spitting out words of sweet love like "I want you to shut the fuck up" and "I know you got raped by a priest."
No word yet if the pap plans to file a police report, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time before we find out that Alec squeezed his left arm so hard it that it cuff off his circulation and he had to get that arm amputated. His lawyer Gloria Allred will tell us all about it during a press conference next week. So if you're a pap who needs some quick summer money and don't mind a tidal wave of hot Alec Baldwin saliva on your face: then just shove a camera at him and speed dial Gloria Allred's number as he chokes out your arm. INSTACASH!
Here's the video (via The Superficial) of Alec being Alec:
This is some serious comedy art at its finest. Alec calls the pap a "little girl" while holding a pink unicorn pillow pet. Alec might be an asshole, but he's a genius asshole.
When you think of Donatella Versace it's probably because you're watching The Hunchback of Notre Dame or eating a bowl of charbroiled sausage coins and spaghetti, but that's besides the point. When you think of Donatella Versace, you automatically think of the question, "What is the secret to her looking like Iggy Pop's torso in a white blond weave?" You must share a brain with The Telegraph's Lisa Armstrong, because she thought the same thing. During interviews with The Telegraph and WWD (via Fashionista), Donatella, seen below at Madge's concert in Milan, told them that she stays young from cutting down on cigarettes, sleeping in a chilled meat locker and injecting her beautiful Play-Doh mug with Botox.
On how she keeps her face fresh so the Health Republic of Italy doesn't recall it:
At 57, she looks astonishing. "How do I keep young?" she growls in a dust-bowl of an accent so thick it sometimes requires subtitles. "Haven't you heard? I sleep every night in the deep freezer!"
On how she keeps the Botox needle away from her labia:
And in truth, she can look a bit fearsome. But to know her even a little is to understand that 70 per cent of her armour - the flaxen, waist-length extensions, the fake lashes, the Botox ("only on my face, not on my body, that's the result of hard work") and stormy expressions - is a front she has been cultivating ever since, aged 11, her big brother Gianni goaded her to peroxide her hair.
I see the Death Eaters pin-up ghoul wants to keep all her beauty secrets to herself. I get it. I mean, Botox, exercise and sleeping in a freezer? That's shit only simple mortals do. Most of us know that Donatella keeps herself young by lacing her cigarettes with the fear of skinny children, sleeping in a vacuum sealed coffin and going down to the studio that makes Wallace & Gromit every other week to get her clay face re-molded. But don't worry, Donatella, your beauty secrets are safe with us.
And Donatella also had something to say about feminism:
"Feminism is dead in the world. It comes from another time. I'm a feminist. I want to fight, but I don't see many people with this desire to fight for something. Women don't help each other, especially in fashion. I know Miuccia [Prada]… but that's it. Nobody else."
I think what Donatella meant to say is that feminism is dead, because there's just way too many fat bitches in the world and it's really, really hard for her to look at a fat woman let alone help one!
If you drive up to heaven's gourmet emporium on earth In-N-Out to collect a delicious beef orgasm between two buns and you tell the cashier that you have zero dollars to pay for it, they will let the scent of that Double-Double gently hump your nostrils before they yank that food away and tell your broke ass to lick on some used burger wrappers in the dumpster out back. That shit ain't a food bank. That's what should've happened to Miley Cyrus' multi-millionaire ass when she drove up to an In-N-Out drive-thru window in her fancy Mercedes convertible and gave the acting performance of her life by pretending she forgot to bring her credit card. Splash say that the In-N-Out cashier fell for Miley's hillbilly swindle and just gave her the food for free. THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL. So if you want a complimentary Double-Double just follow these 2 easy steps:
1. Be Miley Cyrus.
2. Pretend like you can't pay for it even though you've got a $100,000 diamond ring on your finger and are driving a car that costs more than 30,000 Double-Doubles.
This HIGHLY important news story is HIGHLY important to us slaves of the Double-Double, because the next time I want to some In-N-Out deliciousness for free, I'm going to show them this post. The cashier will probably tell me that he'd give it to me for free if I came out of Tish Cyrus' cooter hole and can call Billy Ray Cyrus my "pappy." He'd have a point. Because I'd rather pay for my own Double-Double than go through life having Billy Ray Cyrus stare at my chest while I sun by the concrete pond out back.
The worst part is that hillbilly chipmunks shouldn't even eat cheeseburgers. I hate her and I hope there was a used condom in that Double-Double.
Galapagos. Come for the scenery, stay for the Tortoise Fucking. - cgwalt
Leave it to senior US Senator Mitch Mcconnell to be the latest republican to get caught in a public sex scandal. - Ashton Cruz
Sex outdoors and from behind? We're going to have to consult the Scripture on this... - turnelbup
"Now our dad is covered for his pre-existing condition of Zoophilia! Thanks, Obamacare!" - Strepsi
The "sausage" costume the mayor of Louth, Lincolnshire in England wore to wave at the Olympic torch as it passed through her town on Wednesday. After the residents of Louth all gathered on the streets to watch a flaming torch come down the road, their coochies and culos clenched when their mayor, Jill Makinson-Sander, waltzed through the crowd dressed like a freshly scrubbed uncircumcised dick. Jill wore the costume to promote Lincolnshire's famous sausage, but not many of the locals hos were amused and thought their mayor looked more like the Scientology men's spa mascot. One of the resident's told The Mirror that nobody could take their eyes off of Mayor McPeen:
"She probably thought she was being quite fun and quirky - but it backfired a little bit. People couldn't take their eyes off her because it looks so rude - her outfit certainly gained a few titters among the crowd.
"It's something you'd expect to see on a stag-do - not being worn by a respectable mayor. She didn't carry the torch but when you saw her running down the street by the torch relay team nearby it really looked like she was wearing something obscene."
Oh, I bet this smiley peen costume gained a few titters. I don't know what that means, but it seems about right.
Yeah, it sort of looks like a walking marketing prop for Magic Mike or a chew toy for John Travolta's b-hole, but that's why I love it! Who doesn't want a giant dick for a mayor? ("I have a giant dick for a mayor and I don't love it" said everyone who hates their mayor) Besides, it's not like this costume was seen by public eyes for that long. Just a few minutes after Mayor Jill strolled out onto the street wearing this, Katie Price ran up with a step stool, climbed up, straddled on top of it and swallowed most of the sausage with her chocha. Mayor Jill hasn't been heard from since.
Gary Busey (68)
Nicole Scherzinger (34)
Zuleikha Robinson (35)
Bret McKenzie (36)
Emily Skinner (42)
Melora Hardin (45)
Matthew Weiner (47)
Amanda Donohoe (50)
Sharon Lawrence (51)
Maria Conchita Alonso (55)
Richard Lewis (65)
Robert Evans (82)
(GIF via Unreality)
Miley Cyrus shows us that demure is when it looks like you put your dress on backwards - Hollywood Tuna
Charlize Theron's globe in all its buzzed glory - Lainey Gossip
But how big was the sock is what I want to know - Towleroad
Wonky McValtrex goes down and not in the ways she's used to - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
If that Hunter Parrish dude does something for you, then here you go - The Berry
Kelly Osbourne had a good excuse for getting boozed up on a plane, but the excuse "it's a plane, you're supposed to get boozed up" would've worked too - The Superficial
Another day, another sky high blonde who has climbed up Mt. ASkars - Celebitchy
FYI: Willow Smith's tongue ring was fake - Just Jared
Somewhere, Penny Cruz just let out a sigh of relief, because she doesn't have to look at Eva Longoria's face at the Christmas dinner table anymore - ICYDK
Sean Penn's on-and-off-again piece at some Glamour party - Popoholic
Mary J. Blige has some words to say about that crispy chicken foolery... - Crunk + Disorderly
George Clooney looks DRUNK or maybe he's sad, because he just asked his true soulmate Brad Pitt to run away with him and Brad said no - Popsugar
Mimi had a little lamb - Hollywood Rag
Puppy trapped in the body of a parrot - Cityrag
And the world will implode from angst overload in 3..2.. - I'm Not Obsessed