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I know, every portrait of precious German gem Micaela Schäfer should be framed with the finest hand carved Italian gilded frame. Bitches should have to get their bags to checked by security before they're allowed to look at a picture of Micaela Schäfer. Micaela Schäfer's pictures are that luxurious and that special.

Seen above with PedoBear's German second cousin, FuckanythingBear, the pride of Germany Micaela Schäfer once again made eyelashes singe while posing at an event in Berlin for the Euro Championship 2012. I have no idea what the Euro Championship is, but I'm sure it solely exists so that Micaela Schäfer could show up to one of its events dripping in painted sophistication and sequined perfection. Remember those sequin appliqués you sewed onto your acid wash jean jacket in the 80s? Micaela glued one onto her precious pearl box. Yes, when she ripped it off, she probably took several layers of crotch skin with it, but that's how Micaela does it. She is that dedicated to sharing pure elegance with the world.

How has Germany not declared her their official country flower?

If we didn't know Drew Barrymore was knocked up (since she's never told us, rude!), this picture would look like the photographer caught her and her new husband having an intimate "pushing the gas out" moment - ICYDK

I was expecting Miley Cyrus' engagement ring to be made out of squirrel bones and a mood stone - Lainey Gossip 

Charlie Sheen has a foot fetish, wants to bone Denise Richards again and looks like something you'd find passed out in the last stall in the Port Authority men's bathroom - The Superficial 

Cut to 15 years from now when Channing Tatum's career has dried up and he has to pay his mortgage by twerking his ass cheeks in a Chippendales show: "It's good to be back!" - Towleroad

Tammy Lynn Michaels IS getting money, bitch - Celebitchy

Oh, AnnaLynne McCord is just sucking on a popsicle in a bikini while at the beach by herself and no this isn't a completely staged and set up photo op - Hollywood Tuna

Three seconds after this picture was taken, a bird flew by and Christian Bale bitched it out for ruining his fucking shot - The Berry 

Kate Upton giving us "young Anna Nicole Smith" glamour. Oh yeah, and she's also giving us a whole lot of chiiiiiiiichiiiiis - Popoholic

How many times do you think a ho was like, "Oh, that bag has her name on it!" - IDLYITW

If you close your eyes tight and massage a mound of dough while listening to this video, you'll know how John Travolta's massage therapist feels - OMG Blog

Leonardo DiCatchAHo and his piece of the moment go bike riding in NYC - Popsugar

Madge really needs to stop letting Baby Brahim pick out her clothes - Just Jared

And I'm sure there's a bidet right next to Justin Bieber's potty training toilet - Celebslam

I'm sure Sheree has a dirt patch Kim Zolciak can stay on for a while - Crunk + Disorderly

That is one fancy looking pacifier - SOW

Jennifer Aniston is a plushie - Cityrag

Reading this as "Kim Kardashian puts make up on her no-no" makes more sense - Hollywood Rag

As Arnold Schwarzenegger would say, "Sheryl Crow had a tumaaaaaaaaah" - I'm Not Obsessed

Liz & Dick has only been shooting for a few days, but I'm sure you've already overdosed on every tiny little detail and pictures from that shit. Try to take in one more post, because this quote is just too perfect, too hilarious and TOO much. Salvador Pérez, Liz & Dick's costume designer, talked to People about transforming an L.A. County Jail legend into a Hollywood legend. Make sure there's a soft mat on the floor below you, because you will fall out of your chair after reading Salvador's reaction to seeing LiLo as La Liz for the first time:

"There was an audible gasp. You’d swear it was Elizabeth. She just walked into the clothes and became Elizabeth Taylor."

I'm sure that audible gasp sounded a lot like the audible gasp you'd make while watching a runaway train careen toward you in slow motion. It was a "....the fuck did I get myself into?" kind of gasp. But I love Salvador for that. I laughed so hard that tears welled up in my eyes and temporarily blurred my version. And you know, in that blurry moment, that picture of LiLo sort of did look like Elizabeth Taylor!

Oh, and Salvador also said that LiLo's waist is 23 inches. Oh, that Salvador. Bitch just wants us to laugh until piss shoots out of our eye holes. And here's a few more pictures from yesterday's shoot. Either the whole thing takes place on a boat or Lifetime got their Hollywood legends mixed up and they're really making a Natalie Wood biopic instead.

Showing us what a little Wet 'N Wild liquid eyeliner, Playboy pink lipstick, a Topsy Tail, every tool in the Photoshop tool box and an industrial-strength electric tweezer can do, OctoMom strikes a pose on the set of her upcoming fap porn. You probably didn't read any of that sentence, because your eyes are doing exactly what OctoMom's belly button slit is doing: closing shut.

In other Octo news, our Dlisted field trip is canceled! Octo will not shake her leche bags on stage at a Florida strip club after all. I know, that sentence is just dripping with class so you might want to Windex your monitor. Octo canceled her strip club debut, because she thinks the manager and one of the bartenders of the club trash talked her to the local news. The manager and bartender said she was crazy to have that many children, would probably do lap dances for a price and it was only a matter of time before she worked the pole for a check. So basically, Octo pulled out, because the manager said a bunch of truths about her. No, that doesn't make any sense, but I don't think any of us have ever and will ever accuse of Octo of making sense.

Before John Travolta hired Kelly Preston as his full-time face merkin and terrorized massage therapists with his gaping, powderless donut hole, he rode on the wings of butt sex love with his pilot Doug Gotterba. That's what John's former secretary, Joan Edwards (read that as John Edwards or Joan Holloway if you this story is already bland for you), and Doug's ex-boyfriend, Robert Britz, tells The National Enquirer (via Radar). They both say that shortly after Doug started working for John in 1981, the two started doing it on the down low. How many times do you think they did it in the cockpit and how many times do you think John asked Doug, "Do you want to cock my pit?"

Joan Edwards, who worked for John from 1978 to 1994, says that she's always known John likes to gobble peen with his b-hole and she never cared. After Doug became part of John's staff, he and Joan hit it off. Doug confessed to Joan that he was sexing on John regularly. Robert Britz, who dated Doug after John, tells the Enquirer that Doug and John's relationship wasn't exactly the epitome of romance. It all started, because John kept grabbing at Doug's crotch. Doug finally gave in, because the job was "lucrative" (translation: bitch got paid). Robert also says that he watched a video of Doug and Robert hanging out topless in a hotel room together:

"I personally saw about two minutes of Doug's home video showing John Travolta sitting at the end of a bed with his shirt off. There were plates of food in front of him. The video appeared to be shot in a hotel room. Doug made it clear that it was very lucrative for him to be what he called John's 'personal right hand man' and homosexual partner."

Just like how most love stories of our time end, Doug stopped fucking John, because he suddenly became grossed out by John's hairy bear body.

All of these gay sex stories about John Travolta pretty much have the same theme. John is always going after dudes who have no interest in diving deep into his sugar walls. The ones that do it, do it for the cash and not because they want to. Humping on a dude who is rolling his eyes, playing Sudoku on his phone and cutting off his cuticles with a tiny pair of scissors doesn't sound like a good time to me. "That's funny should say that because...." - my last boyfriend

Autism whisperer Jenny McCarthy and Jim Carrey humped on each other for 5 years and during that time he formed a relationship with her now 10-year-old son Evan. Since they broke up over 2 years ago, Jim hasn't called or visited Evan at all. Evan regularly tells Jenny that he misses Jim. Instead of calling Jim up to tell him to wave at Evan on Skype or some shit, Jenny put him on blast while promoting her newest shit show Love in the Wild on Howard Stern. Jenny told Howard that she hasn't actually talked to Jim, but she has gone through various "channels" to try to talk to him. What I think she means by that is that she sat in front of the TV, channel surfed until she landed on a channel playing Ace Ventura and then used her Indigo powers to send him a message through the screen. That's what she means. This is what Jenny told Howard (via UsWeekly) about Jim walking out on her son:

"I've tried to ask [Jim] numerous times [to see Evan], because my son still asks. I haven't [reached out directly] . . . I think that sometimes people need to take a real break from each other. But I still love him. I think you can love people from a distance and respect him. But as a mother, you just hope when you have a relationship with someone, it has nothing to do with the child when you break up.

I tell [Evan] that someday you'll cross paths, meet again, [but] it's hard. He's been in therapy. It's a process, he's working on it."

Would it be nice for Jim to visit Evan every now and again? Sure. Was it a dick move for Jenny to paint Jim as a heartless, child-hating shit bag when she hasn't even tried to contact him herself? Definitely. But we don't know the whole story. It could be complicated. But instead of using her son to get to Jim Carrey, Jenny should do what most hos do when they want to see Jim Carrey. Bitch should just put an Emma Stone cardboard cutout in her backyard and wait until Jim shows up. He will!

UPDATE: Jim issued a statement to TMZ where he made it clear that he doesn't see Evan anymore and also made it clear that Jenny needs to learn a little thing called STFU. Jim said, "I will always do what I believe is in the best interest of Evan's well being. It's unfortunate that Evan's privacy is not being considered. I love Evan very much and will miss him always."

Before we get into this mess, let me remind you what John Mayer said about Jennifer Aniston in 2010:

"There was a rumor that I had been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn't it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she's still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, 'These are the new rules.'..."

And Jessica Simpson:

"That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren't good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me... Sexually it was crazy. That's all I'll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm..."

And how his body lotion jingle of a song "Your Body is a [size 2, vajazzled] Wonderland" is supposedly about Jennifer Love Hewitt.

So now, John Mayer has painful sores on his ass lips that secrete sad tears, because Taylor Swift kicked him hard in the b-hole with her song "Dear John" (not to be confused with the far more superior "Dear John" song). The song is supposedly about how John Mayer's David Duke dick dipped into Taylor's precious 19-year-old cherry orchard for a second and quickly dropped her to move on to the next scratch mark in his wooden bed post. John tells Rolling Stone that it was cheap songwriting on Taylor's part and she never even e-mailed him to tell him the song existed. It's raining WAH WAH WAH tears on this Summer's eve:

On how he never even hurt Taylor's dewicate feewings: "It made me feel terrible. Because I didn't deserve it. I'm pretty good at taking accountability now, and I never did anything to deserve that. It was a really lousy thing for her to do."

On how the real-life Anne of Green Gables got used douche water on her the tip of her pink cowboy boot by kicking him at his lowest: "I never got an e-mail. I never got a phone call. I was really caught off-guard, and it really humiliated me at a time when I'd already been dressed down. I mean, how would you feel if, at the lowest you've ever been, someone kicked you even lower?"

On what he thinks Taylor meant by the line "Don't you think I was too young to be messed with?": "I don't want to go into that."

On how Taylor turning her burn book into songs is a cheap move: "I will say as a songwriter that I think it's kind of cheap songwriting. I know she's the biggest thing in the world, and I'm not trying to sink anybody's ship, but I think it's abusing your talent to rub your hands together and go, 'Wait till he gets a load of this!' That's bullshit."

John Mayer is a dumb bitch for not knowing that when you mess with Taylor Swift, she's going to write all about you in yumberry-scented ink on purple pastel paper and eventually turn that journal entry into a hit song that drunk high school girls will sing to on Karaoke Revolution for years to come. Taylor Swift is a dumb bitch for writing a song about dumb bitch John Mayer and not knowing that he's the president and founder of the Hit It And Quit It Club. John Mayer is the Peter Pan of douchebags and Taylor Swift is the Peter Pan of songwriters. They both need to grow up. And yes, I typed "they both need to grow up" right before I farted in my palm to smell it.

Morrissey tells JuiceOnline.com (via Billboard) that after being in the music business for 30 years, his body is no longer the willowy reed of pure sex that it once was and so he's going to officially retire at the decaying and decrepit (served in a bowl of warm sarcasm) age of 55. Morrissey name dropped Syria in his resignation letter, because it wouldn't be a Morrissey quote if he didn't inject a little political shit into it.

"I am slightly shocked to have gone as far as I have. This is my 30th year, and I've aged a lot recently, which is bit distressing for me, as it must be for everyone. The body changes shape and there's nothing you can do about it. Do I continue as a modern day Andy Williams? I take one hour at a time. We will all probably be blown up by the Syrian government soon, anyway, so it hardly matters in the great scheme of things."

What in the hell kind of GD retirement excuse is that?! Morrissey is going to retire because his sciatica is acting up and he doesn't think the scent of BenGay belongs at a rock show? What bullshit. Iggy Pop performed at Ramesses II's Diamond Jubilee and he's still swinging his saggy chest sacks on stage today. Steven Tyler's bones are being held together with mummy tape dipped in Elmer's and he doesn't let that stop him from performing. But Morrissey is too delicate to go on? This isn't how Morrissey is supposed to quit. Morrissey is supposed to quit over some stupid shit like an audience member in the front row sipping non-vegan beer at one of his shows. Morrissey will gasp, throw the back of his hand over his forehead, arch his back and jazz walk stage left as the lights dim to a slow cue and a red velvet curtain drops. That's how a melodramatic queen goes!

Whatever. I'm okay with Morrissey retiring from music as long as he's not retiring from saying crazy ass shit.

Pull out the special occasion shopping cart grill (aka the vintage one from Target and not the rusty Piggly Wiggly one), plump up the possums caught in the cage trap last night and stock up on Twinkies (the Twinkies are the penises of pastries) from the Hostess outlet to make a four-tier wedding cake, because the chipmunk princess of the Cyrus clan is getting hitched Gale from The Hunger Games and Thor's brother. As my hair icon Memaw Cyrus poured hillbilly champagne (aka moonshine mixed with Mountain Lightning) into the family's Solo cups (not because they were celebrating, but because that's just what they drink with supper), Miley Ray Cyrus told People that at 19 years old, she's about to become somebody's wife.

"I'm so happy to be engaged and look forward to a life of happiness with Liam," Cyrus, 19, tells PEOPLE.

Australian actor Hemsworth, 22, who met Cyrus when they costarred in The Last Song in 2009, proposed on May 31 with a 3.5-carat diamond ring from jeweler Neil Lane.

Liam Hemsworth is close to becoming a huge movie star so I'm not sure why he would sign up to spending every Christmas watching Noah Cyrus spin around on a candy cane stripper pole in the rec room to "Santa Baby" while Trace Cyrus nibbles on the tree in the corner. Doesn't Liam know that on his wedding night, Billy Ray is going to take him into the dark part of the barn to brand one of his ass cheeks with the Cyrus family crest (the mudflap girl breastfeeding a raccoon in front of the Nascar logo)? Why would he do this? Either we should be celebrating this engagement with a sawed off shotgun salute or Liam is just marrying Miley to get closer to the real beauty of the family: Memaw Cyrus. It has to be the latter.

After seeing her boobs try to make a daring escape, Lindsay Lohan's liver finally decides to make a run for it. - TFBuckFutter

Runners-up:

Now you know why the Brown is so Difficult. - WTFOMGLOL

$5 Million REWARD for Kim Kardashian's ass. Last scene on Rodeo Drive heading south. Please contact Pimp Momma Kris or Ryan Seacrest if you see it! - misstia

An HD ultrasound reveals that Snooki's baby physically takes after its mother. - SteelCityGirl

(Thanks, Rachel!)