Earlier I posted a picture that was supposed to be Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor, but looked more like somebody's uncle in five cent drag as Lara Flynn Boyle. Lifetime is trying to wipe that skid mark of a picture with this official photo of LiLo as Liz and Grant Bowler as Richard Burton. This some "I vant to suck the coke in your blood" shit, but it's an upgrade. If the entire movie is shot in black & white, every frame is Photoshopped and they only shoot half of LiLo's face, it might work! And now that I look at that picture again. It doesn't look like Dracula. It looks like he's doing a line off her neck.
And here's LiLo shooting scenes today in Marina Del Rey and sort of kind of not really looking totally like Elizabeth Taylor....during her Larry Fortensky era. If LiLo came to a Halloween party dressed like this and told you she was Elizabeth Taylor, you'd nod your head and think to yourself that you'll probably see the resemblance after you crack a full vodka bottle open over your head and pour its contents into your drink hole.
Several of you sent this mess to me today and as I was reading about this Chuck Testa-approved art project I slowly laughed until my laughs turned into dry heaves. Oh, the fuckery produced by the human brain never ceases to amaze me.
When Orville, a cat belonging to Dutch artist Bart Jansen, got hit by a car and died, he wasn't cremated and poured into a wooden box like most cats. Bart looked at Orville's dead body and somehow decided to turn his beloved cat friend into a hovercraft pussy. I'm guessing that when Bart's brain barfed up that thought, his mouth was placed firmly on a bong full of PCP-laced weed. Or maybe Bart was just high on art, because art is a helluva drug on its own.
The L.A. Times said that Bart used his hands to attach a propeller to each one of Orville's paws and not once did he think he should use his hands for something more productive. You know like slapping the shit out of himself for turning his dead cat's body into a flying toy. After Bart finished his creation called the Orvillecopter (file that under: things I can't with), he debuted it at the KunstRai ArtFair in Amsterdam. Bart said that this what Orville would've wanted, because what cat wouldn't want to be soaring through the sky with the birds?
"After that he received his wings posthumously. Now he is flying with the birds. The greatest goal a cat could ever reach!"
Orville doesn't look like he's happy to be flying through the sky with the damn birds. Orville looks terrified. Like he just got hit by a car. Oh wait. I don't even know what to write about this. Is turning your dead cat into a working helicopter as crazy as turning a dead bear into a rug? Yes. Does Orville give a shit about this? Probably not, but that doesn't make it right or okay. Think of all the tiny birds who are having tiny bird heart attacks over seeing the last sign of their rapture: an overlord hovercat. Birds are doomed when pussies can fly.
I'm making a vow that if my dog kisses the mouth of the Grim Reaper before me, I will not turn his body into a helicopter. Flying is a physical activity and my lazy dog is allergic to every physical activity, so I will not disrespect him like that. I'll turn him into a sofa pillow instead. And if I go first, he can turn me into a bacon dispenser. See, we respect each other!
Benji Schwimmer comes out as a gay Mormon as Derek Hough whistles while looking up at the sky - Towleroad
Sharpen your shank: Your boyfriend has taken THE MOST HATED WOMAN IN THE WORLD to see his homeland - Lainey Gossip
Jason Alexander gives the apology of apologies for calling cricket "gay" - Celebitchy
Not sure what's going on in this picture of Katherine Jenkins, but her bare nalgas made an appearance - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Somebody please explain to me what the meaning of that black sleeveless lab coat on Mila Kunis' body is - The Superficial
There are actual Barbie dolls that look more organically human than Gretchen Rossi does - Hollywood Tuna
From the vintage panty creamer archives: Paul Newman - The Berry
Emma Roberts has a leg-off with a parking meter pole - Popoholic
I want to see Alicia Keys and CoCo in a thigh wrestling match - IDLYITW
If you're 11-years-old, here's some pictures of Bella Thorne. Also, if you're 11-years-old, what are you doing here? This foolery zone is for adults only! - ICYDK
Zuma should be mad that he's dressed like Avril Lavigne - Popsugar
So I guess Chinese princesses dress like Japanese geishas sometimes. Asian history according to RiRi - Just Jared
Me while watching Mad Men last night - Crunk + Disorderly
Daniel Tush - Videogum
Stock up on your Sharpies and coochie cutters, Canada, because Pamela Anderson is moving back - Hollywood Rag
Why DJs should insult Snowflake Minaj's shit songs more often - I'm Not Obsessed
Dear Charlie Sheen, Mr. Burns wants his signature sneer back - Cityrag
(Picture via Benji's MySpace)
Showing those bitches at BODIES: The Exhibition that they aren't the only chemically preserved carcasses who can put on a show, the world's first supermess posed and posed and posed for the paparazzi in Malibu while wearing bikini bottoms cut so low that you can practically see the top of her Dickinson. Show those young hos how's it's done, Janice. Pose your skin off, bitch! No, I really think she's literally posing her skin off.
Rubbing her octopoon on camera opened OctoMom up to a whole new world of ho shit opportunities and she's taking one of those opportunities by flying to Florida to shake her titty bags on stage at one of West Palm Beach's finest strip clubs. Since the zombie apocalypse has desensitized everyone's sense of sight, T's Lounge decided now is a good time to hire OctoMom as a featured entertainer.
TMZ says that Octo will do two shows a night from July 11th to the 15th. Those of you hoping to find out if Octo's got two sets of duck lips will have to wait until her fap porn comes out later this summer, because she's keeping her chonies on at T's Lounge. Octo will only go topless and won't be giving lap dances in the champagne room. T's Lounge will pay Octo thousands of dollars to rub her c-section scars against the stripper people.
So to recap, OctoMom is going to awkwardly tweak her half-naked baby making machine body to Creed's With Arms Wide Open at a Florida strip club. This sounds like my kind of event. Dlisted field trip!
And before OctoMom gets on the pole, they should slather that pole with spermicide and wrap it with layers and layers of condom rubber. I know Octo's last batch of babies came from IVF, but I still believe that bitch is so damn fertile that if her crotch came in contact with an unsanitized stripper pole, she'd find herself knocked up again.
Since Fishsticks Paltrow is a stalker with means, she's been following Jay-Z and Kanye's tour throughout the UK and Europe, and has been documenting all the shows she goes to on her Twatter page to remind all of us that she's best friends with Beyonce. When Fishy Tweeted the above picture of herself, The Dream and Ty Ty watching Jay-Z's show in Paris and wrote the note "Ni**as in paris for real" over it, a wave of side-eyes came at her. Some didn't think it was cute that Fishy referred to two black men in Paris as "Ni**as in paris for real." Some defended Fishy's ass by saying she was only quoting the song. It's a cuntroversy (not really)!
Fishy's dumb ass later went back on Twitter and said she was just quoting the song.
The "for real" is what makes Fishy's Tweet a for real mess. Bitch should just let her GOOP writers write her Tweets too, because when they stick a freshly moisturized with dolphin milk foot in their mouths, they do it without using the n-word. But seriously, Fishy didn't have to lie by saying she was quoting the song. She wasn't quoting the song. The asterisks in "Ni**as" aren't covering two Gs, they're covering one N. Blue Ivy Carter and Apple Martin were backstage at the show in Paris and since Fishy is an official Spaniard, she calls them "niñas." Niñas in Paris. That's what she really meant. DUH!
Here's Fishy's best friends Beyonce and Jay-Z leaving their hotel in Paris with world champion breath holder BIC.
RPattz, whose scalp makes a cameo as the enchanted forest in Snow White & The Huntsman, was too busy doing more important things (like deep conditioning his taint hair or whatever) to show up to last night's MTV Movie Awards, so Kristen Stewart had to accept their award for Best Kiss by herself. KStew tried to make a joke out it by begging Charlize Theron, Thor, Taylor Lautner or ANYBODY to get up there and put their lips on hers. Charlize couldn't do it, because she was backstage putting her lips on a bong she made out of one of those popcorn trophies. Taylor Lautner couldn't do it, because he's not one to put his mouth on lady lips for free. So KStew asked herself, WWJAD (What would Jennifer Aniston do?) and the answer was: make out with herself!
You know, what KStew lacks in acting skills, she makes up for in awkwardness. She is beyond awkward. This one time when I was 8 or 9, I walked in on my one-legged stepmother changing her tampon over the toilet in my dad's guest bathroom. Afterward, she sat down next to me at the breakfast table (No, we weren't having tomato omelets, thank God!) and we ate in silence. If I could take the awkwardness I felt in that moment and mold it into a human person, that human person would be a lot like Kristen Stewart. Just awkwardness running through her veins...
Anyway, here's a few pictures from last night. In order: Jennifer Aniston, Jodie Foster (throwing either a "Where's a strap-on when you really need one?" or "This bitch better not ask me to make out with her!" side-eye), Johnny Depp, Ciara, Christina Ricci, Charlize, Wiz Khaliafaawhatever with Amber Rose, KStew, Emma Stone, Jessica Biel, Chris Hemsworth, Ryan Seacrest with Julianne Hough, Brooke Hogan, Ick & Nast, Jean-Claude Van Damme with guest, Emma Watson, two Fraggle Rock refugees, Marky Mark, Andrew Garfield and Russell Brand.
The MTV Movie Awards was an unnecessary pile of useless dingles, but it was still the best thing MTV has aired in years and that's because during the Twatlight and Hunger Games appreciation ceremony, chronic panty cream-inducer Joe ManJello came out as Big Dick Richie, his character from Magic Mike, to give the "Most Transformed" award to Elizabeth Banks for wearing a pink wig in THG.
Never mind that Joe ManJello basically called your vagina and my no-no hole an ax wound (that's what my doctor calls it, so I'm used to it) by wielding a giant ax around like it was his dick, why did Matthew McConaughey and Channing Tatum stay on the stage when he came out? How can one fully fap to Joe ManJello when Matthew's T-Rex arms and Channing Tatum are in the same shot? I can't focus on Joe when I'm too busy wondering why Channing Tatum is starting to look like a bloated 35-year-old high school gym teacher who always drunkenly cries about how he had to turn down an invitation to the NFL tryouts because his girlfriend got knocked up.
And is it wrong of me to secretly wish that Joe ManJello's film and TV career dries up so that he has to start doing hardcore gay porn to pay his gym membership and protein shake bills? I mean, with cum gutters like those.....
Does Drag U have a scholarship program? Because if so, this bitch needs to enter it.
If you took one of Elizabeth Taylor's old headshots, soaked it in dirty meth pipe water, charred its edges on a hobo's trash can fire, tore it into a dozen pieces and then pasted those pieces back together using homemade silly putty and black tar heroin, the image looking back at you would look more like Elizabeth Taylor than this picture of Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor does. TMZ magically got their hands on (aka White Oprah gave it to them for half of a Vicodin pill) this picture of LiLo in full basic cable La Liz drag and it's giving me hope. Hope that this is going to be one of the biggest unnatural disasters in American history.
I don't see Elizabeth Taylor at all, but I do see shades of Joan Crawford. But maybe that's because looking at this picture is giving me the sudden urge to beat Lifetime with a wire hanger for casting this mess.
Kathie Lee Gifford always has the feet tasted before she puts them in her mouth. - OurMissC
Quentin Tarantino has a secret club to help with his fetish issues. - WhoDatSaintsFan
Britney Spears' wedding reception was better than anyone imagined. - misstia
This little piggy went to market, this little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef, this little piggy had none. And this little piggy met Jeffrey Dahmer. - mr. grumpus