During a press conference for her soon-to-be Galaxy National Book Award-winning "novel" In The Name Of Love, Now Magazine asked the pride of Britain Katie Price what is the rudest thing she's ever done in the name of love. If Katie Price wanted to spit out some honesty for the first time in her entire life, she would've said the time she got into a stunt marriage with Alex Reid to fulfill her love for her true soulmate: FAME. But instead, Katie told reporters about the time she Grey Goose'd her cross-dressing, MMA-fighting ex-husband. If you're sucking on the tip of a vodka bottle or having butt sex right now, you might not want to read the rest. Because reading it will ruin both of those acts for you. This is the shit that came out of Katie's mouth when asked about the rudest thing she's done for love:
"I fucked Alex up the arse with a vodka bottle."
Did we not learn anything from 1 Guy, 1 Jar?! Do NOT Google that unless you want your insides to die and fall out of your ass (you could be into that, I don't know).
So Katie basically gave Alex a vodka enema. Big deal. Who hasn't given themselves a vodka enema after they've had their wisdom teeth pulled out and the dentist told them they can't drink booze orally for a few days? We've all done it. If Katie really wanted to tell the reporters some fucked up shit she's done during sex, she should've told them about the time she gave Dane Bowers a pedicure with her twat.
Just stare at Chris Hemsworth's arms and ignore the rock dust that spilled out of his mouth during that interview with GQ - Celebitchy
Katy Perry, Selena Gomez, The Lesbeaver and RPattz all partied on a bus last night and surprisingly Matthew Fox didn't crash that shit and punch one of them in the titty bags - Lainey Gossip
Can the Boy Scouts of America please untie the triple knot in Chuck Norris' brain? - Towleroad
The time Terry Richardson made Kate Upton's chichis look like the eyes of Kerokerokeroppi - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Seth MacFarlane once poked Ryan Phillippe's unborn baby, but why talk about that when we can talk about the Bertolli noodles on Alexis Knapp's body - The Superficial
What does Katy Perry have on her tits today? - Hollywood Tuna
Vintage EVERYBODY - The Berry
Hilary Duff's wearing a bikini....under Mrs. Roper's autumn time poncho top - Popoholic
Our Lady of Cheetos looks good when a team of stylists force her into the clothes they chose - Just Jared
The Baroness and Thor come face to face - Popsugar
Did Kelly Osbourne just call her tits a pair of colostomy bags? - Hollywood Rag
Pig party! - Cityrag
In honor Antoine Dodson's birthday, here's the hood version of Beauty and the Beast and....no comment - OMG Blog
A more shocking headline would be: Andy Dick NOT in rehab today - ICYDK
What a thing of beauty. Yeah, Jessica Simpson's baby is cute, but I'm talking about the open bottle of wine in the back - SOW
Sookeh and Beehl are having twins - I'm Not Obsessed
The Garbage Pail Kid of pop Ke$hit showed her Twitter followers the tattoo she got on her lip yesterday and I'm pretty sure it's the exact same tattoo her face twin John Travolta has on his b-hole lips. Seriously, I know we're all thinking that Ke$hit has a funny way of spelling "Get Syphilis Here," but that's not what's got me scratching at my think area. How is it possible that her teeth don't look like old lady nails dipped in shit? Ke$ha's skin is covered in several layers of gross, but yet her teeth are so clean? Screw brushing and flossing daily. I'm going to follow Ke$hit's daily dental hygiene regimen by barfing up glitter, rinsing with jizz and brushing with a bottle of Jack. Bitch knows.
Ever since Paula Deen made the Land O'Lakes girl reach for the noose when she announced that she's got Type 2 Diabetes, she's been eating healthier and has traded her usual lunch of deep fried cake and bacon sandwiches for salad and baked fish. The Parkay tub's former nemesis tells People that not swallowing an entire Domino sugar factory every day has melted 30 pounds from her body in six months. Paula is still losing the chunk and says that soon the mound of white Ursula hair on her head will weigh more than her body. Paula owes her new size 10 body to slowly making changes in her diet, not eating all the deep fried deliciousness she makes, Photoshop and People Magazine waving a check at her.
"I do think differently now. I'm more aware. It took me a couple of years to get to this point. If you make a few small changes, they can add up to big results."
Seeing a skinnier Paula Deen is as weird as seeing Kim Kardashian without a black peen in her mouth. But I'm happy for Paula that she's eating healthier shit and yes, I typed that with one hand while sucking chocolate pudding out of a sugar cone with the other.
Also, if you switched Katy Perry and Paula's faces, that cover would look exactly the same. Their faces were harvested from the same place! Also also, are those shoes on Paula's feed made of breadsticks, cheese and better. I guess if you can't eat 'em, wear 'em.
Last year, PETA figuratively threw a can of red paint at Mary-Kate and Ashley Trollsen after their fashion line The Row put out a $39,000 alligator backpack that looked like a giant pregnant roach. That ugly backpack made of Wally Gator's mom sold out, because sometimes rich people get bored with burning their money in front of the poors and so they spend it on overpriced, ugly crap instead. Mixing their two favorite loves, making money and sucking the souls out of animals, worked so well the first time that those two Cruella de Trolls are doing it again.
The Zoe Report says that The Row is selling a "second generation" version of their alligator backpack, but this time they've covering it with patches of real fur instead of the carcass of a gator. Before I tell you how much this traveling animal cemetery costs, let me tell you all the things you could buy instead of buying this bundle of Muppet pubes:
- A Smart Car full of BUNNIES!!!!!
- A mountain of 30,000 KFC cheese top burgers that you can dive into and then eat yourself out of.
- 100 lap dances from OctoMom and 20 handjobs from Lindsay Lohan followed by 100 therapy sessions and 10 visits to the free clinic.
- 112 Olsen Barbies that you can skin and turn into a dozen Olsen doll backpacks.
- The handle of a Birkin bag.
You can buy any one of those things or you can make the Trollsen empire even richer by spending $16,900 on one of PETA's worst nightmares. Yeah, that bag is almost $17,000. The alligator one is almost $40k, so this is A DEAL! Seriously, though, that's a lot of money for a bag that is as tortured, busted and raggedy as the bags who designed it. Well, I guess it's the perfect thing to carry out in public if your ass is out of flour and you need a bitch to throw some at you.
Lainey at Lainey Gossip read and covered UsWeekly's cover story about the tragic demise of VaJohnny, and you'll believe all of it if you believe that Vanessa Paradis nagged at Johnny Depp so much that he finally walked the plank of their marriage and dove face-first into a sea of snatch. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about living on a private island with just the kids, so he drowned his sorrows in his publicist's chocha. Vanessa whine cried at Johnny about wanting to move to Los Angeles, so he drowned his sorrows in Amber Heard's twat. It was kind of like a drinking game. Every time Vanessa bitched about something, Johnny did a shot of punane. Lainey broke UsWeekly's mess of a story down like this:
-V wanted to break up 2 years ago because she was unhappy
-V complained all the time about their low key lifestyle. She didn’t want to stay on a private island and quietly raise their babies. She was bored and restless.
-V was the one who wanted to move to LA and that’s when it all unravelled.
-V was the one who insisted that he make big budget Disney movies because she loved the money. Johnny wasn’t interested but only did them for her.
(Please tell me you’re shaking your head and rolling your eyes now.)
-When those movies became big ass deals, V then resented J for his success.
Says an Us Weekly source:
“Nothing Johnny did was ever good enough for Vanessa. When he was working, she wasn’t happy. And when he wasn’t working, he was called a slob for not doing enough for the kids and her family.”
Frustrated and in pain, the only outlet Johnny had was other woman - someone who played a mermaid in Pirates, maybe Eva Green, Amber Heard, his publicist...
That shit reads like it was taken directly from his publicist's strategy book marked "How To Spin It So JD Doesn't Look Like He's Crashing Directly Into A Mid-Life Crises." UsWeekly forgot to include the one where Vanessa tried to kill all of Johnny's hotness by sucking his sense of style through the portal of doom between her front teefs. Seriously, if Vanessa whined at him about everything, couldn't she have whined at him about dressing like what it would look like if a witch turned a Sedona souvenir shop into a human?
Because I won't stop posting HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of the fucking Today show until I totally reach the "midnight snack at 8" demographic, here's some more HIGHLY interesting gossip about the co-hosts of Today. In my sorta defense, it's summertimes, it's kind of slow, there's not much going on and it was either this or a video about a horrific wall of Teddy Ruxpins. (That's next.)
Either this week or early next, Ann Curry will jump down the inflatable escape slide while flipping off all those bitches who did her wrong. The producers of Today are preparing Savannah Guthrie for the co-host job by spraying her down with douche repellent so Matt Lauer doesn't try to grope her while they're sitting next to each other. Savannah was picked over Natalie Morales and Page Six says that has Natalie pissing shit. Natalie was mad when the producers chose Ann Curry over her and now she's really mad that they've screwed her over again by going with Savannah. Sources tell Page Six that Natalie could follow Ann Curry down that inflatable escape slide, because she's sick of getting shafted by the producers. Speaking of getting shafted...
The National Enquirer says that the reason why the producers didn't offer the job to Natalie Morales is because Matt Lauer's wife Annette threatened to stab their marriage in the heart if that happened. Annette knows all about the rumors that Matt passed his peen to Natalie and she doesn't want them to get any closer than they already are. A source put it like this:
“When she heard about Ann getting the boot, the first thing Annette told Matt was that she didn’t want him cozying up any closer to Natalie. In fact, Annette drew a line in the sand and said if he pushed show bosses to make Natalie his new co-host, she’d divorce him! Annette knows Matt is the key to the ‘Today’ franchise and his bosses will put whoever he wants in the co-host chair.
I heard that Matt had an extramarital affair with gorgeous Natalie, and he’s the father of one of her kids. Everyone’s buzzing that the boy looks just like him.”
When I look at Natalie's son, I don't have the sudden urge to launch the word "glib" from my tongue, so I doubt he's half Lauer.
NBC shouldn't stop at firing Ann. They should fire everybody and redo the entire show. They should stick a hidden camera in Matt Lauer's crotch bush and show 4 hours of the adventures of his wandering peen, because that shit sounds more interesting than anything on Today. Kathie Lee Gifford can narrate it from the bottom of her wine closet.
These two young stars costarred in one of the biggest movies of the year and everyone speculated that they had an affair. But that’s only half right. The female lead DID have an on set fling – but not with her costar – with her costar’s GIRLFRIEND when she came to visit! Ironically, the girlfriend is also a major star but she wouldn’t let her hunky boyfriend join in the fun. Both women are bisexual and he’s straight. (Janet Charlton via Blind Gossip)
Jennifer Lawrence seems like a smart ho with a brain that will turn on a flashing red siren if something doesn't seem like a good idea (wearing that dress doesn't count), so why in the name of teeth marks on a clit would she expose her delicate parts to that terrifying bear trap of veneers in Miley Cyrus' mouth? That's like me using an electric rotating brush as a dildo. (Actually, I wouldn't put that past me. Desperate times, etc...) So because of this, I refuse to believe this is Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus. If it is supposed to about those three, then I refuse to believe it's true.
I'll just guess that this is The Lorax, Grammy Norma and The Lorax's off-screen girlfriend Sally O'Malley. That makes more sense. SOLVED!
This one is buzzing both sides of the Atlantic: a very famous LA name is in a love triangle.
The story goes like this: Miss Boldface, who has a high opinion of herself that is not always shared by others, has formed a fascinating friendship with a household name. Mr Very Famous has had problems in the past, all smoothed over because of kids, image, celebrity wife… the usual reasons. Mrs Very Famous knows all about this latest triangle but is unlikely to issue divorce proceedings at the moment as she has interests in other directions, including commercial ones. How long this situation will hold is anyone’s guess – especially if they read this. (The Morton Report via Blind Gossip)
Miss Boldface (which sounds like the name of a Clue character I would've played every time as a kid): Katherine Jenkins?
Mr. Very Famous: Becks?
Mrs. Very Famous: Posh?
The meeting must have been incredible. Executives sitting around talking about the teen actress who was starring in a fairly big hit for them. Wholesome and pure on the screen and living with her drug dealer at home. No one knew at first that the teen lived with her drug dealer. He was just a guy they would see with her. Sure, he was older, and yes, they whispered they would prefer if he was white at least. And did you see the tattoos? And now it turns out he is also her drug dealer and that they live together. They wanted to know if she was old enough to be living with someone legally like that. Where were her parents? Probably doing drugs too. It all started off well for everyone. They really liked this tween actress. She was going to make them all rich and had started off doing just that. Then all of a sudden her drug dealer ex-boyfriend shows up and moves in with their actress and starts showing her off around town. Apparently she owed him money and it was not just for her, but also money he was owed for drugs her friends and family took too. She was going to pay it off. He was going to stay with her until she did. The actress didn't mind because she didn't have many friends in LA and here was a guy who was usually nice to her and gave her good drugs and all she had to do was sleep with him. She thought her mom had probably slept with him too. They were closer in age. The executives had a word with the dealer. How much was he owed? They quietly paid him off and sent him on his way and gave him plenty extra to never come back and hook up with their meal ticket again. Too late. (CDAN)
My head is empty (stop right there and this sentence will still be factually correct) of any guesses. It's not Lindsay Lohan and it must be a trick from Nickelodeon, because Disney makes all their hos use their in-house drug dealers.
"As her manager, I am sorry, but the contract rider clearly states that extras or civilians are not to look her in the eye or touch her. If you need to get a hold of her directly, please use the giant tongs provided for that purpose." - Strepsi
Yet another country finds out how difficult it is to return Angie. - GingeMinge
Angie's contract with Satan includes performing magic shows at birthday parties on the back lots of Hell. - oh dave
Bonkers Candy from the 1980s - Bonkers was a delicious chewy fruit candy that filled your mouth with an even fruitier and gooier filling when you bit into it. Eating it was kind of like sucking off Clay Aiken, I'm guessing. Nabisco stopped making Bonkers a while ago, but Bonkers' Wiki page says that the company who now owns the trademark will bring it back to the world early next year. This is going to open up my own personal culinary world, because soon I won't only get my doctor's recommended daily intake of fruit from Starburst, Skittles, pineapple-flavored lube, Big Bucket daiquiri mix, strawberry Shasta and Juicy Fruit gum. I can get it from Bonkers too!
Even though Bonkers dropped a fruit party in your mouth, it was all about the commercials. In every commercial, an old, crotchety, slightly creepy memaw told us that most folks think Bonkers is gum, but when they bite into it a giant piece of fruit will crash on top of them, knocking the stick out of their ass. Everything is funny about a plastic strawberry fucking up your house and crushing your internal organs.
The secret ingredient in the fruit filling was totally LSD.