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Now everyone in NYC knows why they have charbroiled nipples today (read: it was hotter than hell). The air caught fire when newlyweds Cynthia Nixon and Rojo Caliente strut around NYC today. Cynthia Nixon has a look on her face that says she's over it, frustrated, about to stab choke a kitten with her bare teeth and hasn't had a peaceful bowel movement in days. That is the look on every married ho's face. It's the official look of a wife! Married life looks good on both of them, but really what doesn't? I mean, only Rojo Caliente can pull off a pair of Tommy Bahama shorts and Cynthia is melting the pavement with those Birkenstocks (aka the official footwear of the gayelles).

A little later, Cynthia was on the edge of going full Alec Baldwin on a cab driver when he refused to drive her. Once that NOT KNOWING cab driver realized that he had one of the ginger queens of the island before him, he opened up his yellow chariot and drove her to her palace. Who knew that seeing a slightly rage-filled Cynthia would put me through changes? I thought only Rojo had that effect on me.

For weeks CBS tried to stop ABC's Big Brother knock-off The Glass House from seeing the light of your TV screen. CBS felt like ABC pulled some copyright infringement shit by basically copying everything about Big Brother and hiring former BB producers. Those bitches at CBS tried everything. They went to a judge, tried to get a restraining order against ABC and even left a severed Mickey Mouse costume head in the beds of every ABC executive. It didn't work. The Glass House aired on Monday, I watched it, I felt ashamed, I voted, I felt even more ashamed for voting and CBS is madder than ever. There's not much CBS can do at this point except spill the tea. AND HOW! The C in CBS must stand for cunts, because they went all out in a fake press release where they announced their two new shows Dancing ON the Stars and Postermodern Family. This has to be the funniest thing CBS has ever produced. via Deadline:

CBS ANNOUNCES DEVELOPMENT OF “DANCING ON THE STARS,” AN EXCITING AND COMPLETELY ORIGINAL REALITY PROGRAM THAT OWES ITS CONCEPT AND EXECUTION TO NOBODY AT ALL

Los Angeles, June 21, 2012 – Subsequent to recent developments in the creative and legal community, CBS Television today felt it was appropriate to reveal the upcoming launch of an exciting, ground-breaking and completely original new reality program for the CBS Television Network.

The dazzling new show, DANCING ON THE STARS, will be broadcast live from the Hollywood Forever Cemetery, and will feature moderately famous and sort of well-known people you almost recognize competing for big prizes by dancing on the graves of some of Hollywood’s most iconic and well-beloved stars of stage and screen.

The cemetery, the first in Hollywood, was founded in 1899 and now houses the remains of Andrew “Fatty” Arbuckle, producer Cecil B. DeMille, Douglas Fairbanks, Jr., Paul Muni, Benjamin “Bugsy” Siegel, George Harrison of the Beatles and Dee Dee Ramone of the Ramones, among many other great stars of stage, screen and the music business. The company noted that permission to broadcast from the location is pending, and that if efforts in that regard are unsuccessful, approaches will be made to Westwood Village Memorial Park, where equally scintillating luminaries are interred.

“This very creative enterprise will bring a new sense of energy and fun that’s totally unlike anything anywhere else, honest,” said a CBS spokesperson, who also revealed that the Company has been working with a secret team for several months on the creation of the series, which was completely developed by the people at CBS independent of any other programming on the air. “Given the current creative and legal environment in the reality programming business, we’re sure nobody will have any problem with this title or our upcoming half-hour comedy for primetime, POSTMODERN FAMILY.”

“After all,” the spokesperson added, “people who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.”

There's already a Dancing On the Stars. It's called Lindsay Lohan forever tap dancing on Marilyn Monroe's grave.

Okay, I love that CBS is putting the pain they feel in their chapped asses into words and I love the bitter bitchiness they're throwing at ABC, but do they realize that they're fighting over The Glass House. I've seen The Glass House. That piece of shit show isn't worth fighting for. That's like two day-shift hookers fighting over the worst corner on the ho stroll or two sluts fighting over a dude with erectile dysfunction. Besides, every show copies every show. Glee copied Kids Inc., Finding Bigfoot copied Khloe & Lamar, etc, etc...

That said, I'd totally watch both of CBS' fake shows.

I don't know how I feel about Emma Stone dressed like a fancy esthetician - Just Jared

Awkward is when your child daughter is taller than your cig-smoking troll of a girlfriend - Lainey Gossip

Whale blows rainbow (not another story about John Travolta's sex scandal, I promise) - Towleroad

Every Courtney Stodden video can double as a stay in school PSA - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s got a muff on his face and for once in his life this one's not attached to a maid's crotch - Celebitchy

Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield on Teen Vogue - The Berry

For the none of you who haven't seen Miley Cyrus in her chonies - Hollywood Tuna

Eva Mendes needs to stop dressing like she's Betty Draper - Popoholic

"What a surprise" said not one motherfucker - The Superficial

Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitties - Cityrag

Keira Knightley always looks like she's about to take the stage in an outdoor theater production of a Shakespeare play - ICYDK

Suri's "guuuuuuuuurl, that outfit" look says it all - Popsugar

And Charlotte's first words were, "Will somebody please turn off that annoying song already!" - IDLYITW

Thanks to Depends, Lisa Rinna really can do everything now without worrying about pissing through her pants - Celebslam

A bike seat wouldn't let Nicki Minaj's ass be great - Hollywood Rag

Jim Carrey really dropped out, because the world doesn't need more Dumb & Dumber since we've got Snooki & JWoww's reality show now - SOW

I will never understand why Bobby Brown's new wife has to cover up her titties, but his can go free? - I'm Not Obsessed

It's Royal Ascot Times and it wouldn't be Royal Ascot times without several servings of camel toe, medicine ball titties, back cleavage, blueberry-glazed muffin tops and weave that belong on a horses ass. While most ladies at Ascot try to reach the plateau of elegance with a huge ass hat, these six blue orchids outdid them all with catsuits from the costume closet of a Star Trek porn parody. These shimmering sapphires straight off of The Queen's crown were at Ascot to hand out fliers for their strip club and they did it all in the presence of her Royal Majesty.

At one point, The Queen came down from her private box and paid homage to the beauties who should be getting more international attention than that bland trick Duchess Kate. One royal historian noted that for one of the first times in history, The Queen actually curtsied in front of another (or six anothers, in this case). Even The Queen knows that regalness like this deserves the utmost respect! Bow down before the Royal Court of Asscock!

GOOD NEWS! Our prayers have been answered and we no longer have to worry about Gabriel Aubry ruining her beautiful Adonis-like face by getting a wrinkle from doing actual work. Ever since March, Gabriel has been trying to convince a judge to order Halle Berry to pay him at least $15,000 a month in child support even though he doesn't have full custody of their daughter Nahla. Yesterday in court, Gabriel flashed his nipple-burning smile and asked the judge if a beautiful face like his deserves to lie on a cheap Serta mattress in a $2,000 a month condo in Burbank? CASE CLOSED! Judgement for the gorgeous, humanized David with luscious Disney prince hair.

TMZ says that the judge is making Halle drop $20,000 into Gabriel's perfectly manicured paws every single month. Gabriel's lawyers argued that when Nahla comes to visit him, she should be swathed in the same kind of luxury she's swathed in when she's at Halle's house. Don't worry, Halle and Gabriel haven't finished barking in each other's pretty faces, because she's still trying to move Nahla to France. So there's that.

Now Gabriel can rent a fancy house, get fancy furniture, buy fancy sheets and stock his fancy refrigerator with fancy food so Nahla feels at home. And I'm sure Gabriel will really make Nahla feel at home by playing a recording on his Bose surround sound system of Halle screaming "YOUR FATHER IS A FUCKWAD ASSHOLE! I HATE HIM!" over and over again. A Bose surround sound system bought with that $20,000, thankyouverymuch.

Yes, that is two dozen holes away from being some Charlie Brown shit.

Yesterday, the latest battle in Alec Baldwin's war against the paparazzi went down after a NYDN photographer took pictures of him and his fiancee strolling out of the Marriage License Bureau in Manhattan. Alec raged so hard at that trick, that the pap's face contorted into an expression I like to call herp derp fraidiness. Alec is a melodramatic theatrical queen, so he continued to play with the paparazzi by wearing a masterful disguise while leaving a building yesterday afternoon. You know, because nothing will throw the paparazzi off like looking like a cone-less KKK member or Pac-Man's lunch.

After the Scooby Doo gang ruined Alec's disguise by lifting that blanket up, he went on CBS This Morning to talk about his smack down with the paps. The pap filed a police report, because he claims Alec fisted him in the chin. Alec is crazier than a bat enema, but he says he's not stupid enough to punch out a photographer.

"People think I'm out there just decking photographers willy-nilly, nothing could be further from the truth."

Remember when Alec called Mike Walker a "goat-footed, wheezy, old queen"? And now he's using the phrase, "willy-nilly"? When are we going to find out that Alec Baldwin is really Hetty King from Avonlea in an Alec Baldwin disguise?

By the way, my favorite part of these pictures is the old lady watching Alec. Since it's summer and a hot wet fart bubble has covered the city, every memaw will be sitting outside of her apartment building, because her A/C broke and she's not trying to have it fixed. That's why I feel safer in the summertimes, because I know that a nosy old lady is watching every move, every ho makes in public. A NYC memaw sees all!

Yesterday, Disney released a dark as shit official picture of Angie Jolie as Maleficent and today there's a bunch of paparazzi pictures of her shooting in the British countryside while looking like a demon shepherdess. Bitch looks like an Illuminati monk. This scene is probably all part of Maleficent's backstory and we'll learn that she used to spend her days dramatically walking through a herd of cows who are completely over this shit. Underneath this cow's wavy Bieber mop, you'll find a face that is clearly saying, "I really need to fire my agent."

And the horns actually look better in the daytime. But I'm probably only saying that because they look Mexican pointy boots.

These celebrity siblings got into a screaming match after the more well known of the two accused the lesser known of reverting back to an old cocaine habit. The war started awhile ago after the lesser known started hanging out with a tabloid favorite who recently held up production thanks to the nasty habit. It reached a boiling point and threats were made including a cutoff of financial help. (Hollywood Dame via Blind Gossip)

Haylie Duff did party with Blohan at Chateau Marmont the other night, so....

If this is Hils and Hay, Hilary has every reason to bitch a trick out. Hilary probably paid for Haylie to get her schnoz whittled down. Before Haylie's schnoz job, she couldn't deep throat a peen proper, because her long ass nose would always hit the dude's crotch skin first. But now she can thanks to Hilary! And Haylie could be screwing all that work up. Hopefully, Hils told Hay to snort the bad shit up through her butt like every smart cokehead with a nose job does.

In Hollywood, it seems like most of the actors you read about are cheating on their wives. It doesn't matter who their wife is or what she looks like, chances are she is getting cheated on and probably frequently. Well, this former A list actor and probably still a B- is one of the greatest cheaters ever. There is nothing he would not do to have sex with someone. I think I will focus on the time he was married to the wife before his current one. She is an actress too. A good one. A very good one although people seem to discount her skills for some reason. I think it is because she comes across as an airhead which she isn't. She just thinks that is what people expect of her in public so she plays to that role.

Anyway, our actor once got his wife drunk so she would pass out and then called over a woman and had sex with her on the bedroom floor with his wife sleeping in the bed. This was a favorite trick of his. He would often get his wife drunk or drugged out so she would pass out and he could cheat. When he was working there was not a day that went by that he did not have sex with someone on set. Most of the time it was someone new everyday, but if someone was particularly intriguing he would have sex with her a few days in a row. Our actor was not careful about using protection during sex and his wife lived in constant fear of what she would catch from him. There was the time our actor dropped his wife off to get her hair done and while she was getting it done at the salon he suggested, the actor was having sex out in the parking lot with the owner of the salon. Our actress put up with it for years. Our actor always said he would change but never did. He would always talk his way back into her life. (CDAN)

Don Johnson & Melanie Griffith?

The face you just made after reading that headline had more raw emotions and layers of expression in it than the same sedated face Kristen Stewart makes in every frame of every movie she's in and bitch is still making more money than all of us combined. Forbes put out their annual rich white women in Hollywood list and KStew leads that shit with $34.5 million. That's like $1 for every blink she makes in that Twatlight mess. Yeah, fuck all of our lives.

To come up with their list, Forbes added up what each actress made in upfront pay, profit participation, residuals, endorsements and advertising work. Since Twihards throw $100 bills at KStew every time their coochies twitch while watching her kiss on RPattz, it's no surprise that bitch is cutting her weed with white gold flakes. But beyond KStew, most of Forbes' list is a long skid mark of unflavored vom. It's a mess. Cameron Diaz? Sarah Jessica Parker? Those two should be on Forbes' Middlest-Paid list (or a list of Hollywood actresses who can eat your innocent dreams with their faces), not Forbes' Highest-Paid list. The entire list is below and if it helps, just block out the word "million" and pretend Cammy made $34 total last year.

10. Jennifer Aniston - $12 million
9. Kristen Wiig - $12 million
8. Meryl Streep - $12 million
7. SJP - $15 million
6. Julia Roberts - $16 million
5. Charlize Theron - $18 million
4. Angie Jolie - $20 million
3. Sandra Bullock - $25 million
2. Cameron Diaz - $34 million
1. KStew - $34.5 million

It's depressing that KStew makes almost three times as much as Meryl Streep. If you ripped off one of Meryl's toe corns, put a brown wig on it and pushed it in front of a camera, it would exude more real emotions than KStew does. But I can't fully hate on that mouth breather. Bitch gets paid millions upon millions of dollars to hot box in her trailer for hours and drool out a few written lines in front of a camera before going back to her trailer to hot box some more. Lip bite all the way to the bank, bitch.

Citing public health concerns, Planned Parenthood of California trains Octomom's minge to fetch her diaphragm every time it runs away. - GingeMinge

Runners-up:

The Duggar family saves a lot of money on mortgages. Everyone, including the family pets, now lives in Michelle's uterus. Here, Fido bursts forth for a little fun in the park. - kacky

Demi Moore's first Brazilian wax. - CindyBman

One of Khloe Kardashian's wax strips makes a break for it. - BaconSlut

(Thanks, Heidi)