Like he was ever off of it, I know. It's the golden age of the bad shit and pussy peddling industries again, because Radar said yesterday that Charlie Sheen has been partying it up like Charlie Sheen all night, every night at his mansion in Beverly Hills. Charlie has been getting so high that he grew a third arm (see picture above), because three coke snortin' hands are better than two. ("How can I grow one of those third arm things?" - Lindsay Lohan)
Charlie's neighbors say that on most nights, a new set of goddess skanks show up and don't leave until the morning. Those skanks should keep a lock pick set stashed in their no-no holes just in case Charlie is back to his old tricks and locks them in the bathroom. The neighbors also say that Charlie and his band of warlock-humping hos are making all sorts of noises in his backyard and there's always random cars parked in his driveway. It would be shocking news if Charlie Sheen wasn't burying himself at the bottom of a mound of 8-balls and call girl cooch, but TMZ decided to ask him if he's back on the bad shit anyway. They also asked him if his ex-goddess Brooke Mueller, who's drying out in rehab right now, is using again. Charlie responded with this statement that sounds like it was taken directly from the mouth of Colonel Kurtz (I think it was). WARNING: High doses of tiger blood-covered fuckery ahead:
I can't speak to anyone's opinion or judgement.
I was there
they were not.
hearsay is a baseless
I refuse to be held hostage by their 'constitutional'
to judge those
who can and who do.
Um..... I'll take that as a YES. Because if I put my nostril on the bottom of that statement and drag it up while snorting, I'd be as high as Charlie was when he said this shit.
If you're looking for a way to get to the front of the VIP-iest VIP line at the entrance gates to Hell, here's the visual secret password you've seen looking for: CROC TAN LINES! It's not only the official mark of fug, but it's also the official mark of dark-sidedness. That mess is uglier than a bubbly poison ivy rash on a prolapsed rectum.
In the underworld, nothing says "I take my allegiance to the dark side seriously" like CROC TAN LINES. In real-life, nothing says "I've given up on life and can't wait to get to the underworld" like CROC TAN LINES.
The sad part is that those aren't even real Crocs. The sadder part is that I know what knock-off Crocs look like.
Kathryn Joosten, who played Karen McKluskey to eye rolling perfect on Desperate Housewives, is now up in heaven after passing away from lung cancer in Westlake Village, CA yesterday. Mrs. McKluskey also died of cancer during the finale of Desperate Housewives. Art imitating real-life sadness. Kathryn was 72.
Those of you who watched The West Wing also know Kathryn as the President's secretary Mrs. Landingham. TVLine says that Kathryn didn't start her acting career until she was 42, but she quickly filled up her IMDB page with roles in Scrubs, Roseanne, Dharma & Greg, Joan of Arcadia, Buffy, My Name Is Earl and dozens of other shows.
Kathryn's rep says that she was surrounded by her family before she passed.
Mrs. McKluskey was one of my favorite characters on DH (yes, I watched that mess till the very painful end), because she didn't let children fuck with her, perfected the art of the eye roll, was nosy as all hell and regularly verbally slapped a trick down with the truth. We should all hope to be just like that when we enter the Metumacil phase of our lives. Rest in peace, Mrs. McKluskey.
Justin Timberlake's main heartmate Andy Samberg tells The New York Times what all of us have already known. Andy has picked up his dick in the box and sashayed out the Studio 8H exit door right behind Kristen Wiig. Andy says that his contract was up and he felt it was time to move and spend his Saturday nights trying to make his natural curls more luscious with the help of rubber rods and curling custard (Side note: Those two things can also be used as substitutes for dildos and butt lube if you're looking for a quick thrill.)
“It’s an incredibly emotional and strange moment in my life. Obviously it’s not a huge shock, but I did officially decide not to come back. She (Kristen Wiig) kept saying it just feels like it’s her time. I connect with that. Something about it just feels like it’s the moment. My contract’s up and I did so much more than I ever thought I would ever even do.”
Andy will go on to star in a buddy movie with (insert the name of 2012's Queen Latifah here) and a few movies with (insert the name of 2012's Drew Barrymore here) before hosting his own late late late night show on NBC. If I missed anything, just look over the blueprint for Jimmy Fallon's career and fill in the blanks. But seriously, Kristen Wiig gets a huge ass goodbye party and what did Andy Samberg get? Maybe a party in the break room with chocolate cake from KFC? Actually, Andy's send-off sounds better, because who doesn't love chocolate cake that has been in a KFC fridge so long (because who buys chocolate cake from KFC) that it sort of tastes like chicken fumes and coleslaw.
And no, she didn't come out in that picture by making the scissor sign. Keep waiting (or don't), bitches.
When Queen Latifah performed at Long Beach Pride and told the audience that she's happy to be with "her people," many hos, including this one, thought that was her subtle way of letting us know that she gets the mustache on the regular if you know what I mean. But Queef Latifah tells Entertainment Weekly that she hasn't given up her space in the closet and whose crotch she puts her lips on at the end of the night is in her personal file and you'll never have the password for it. Queen said that when she called the audience "her people" she meant that they were all there together to fight against hatred and bullies. You know, some U.N.I.T.Y. shit.
On the news that she came out at Long Beach Lesbian & Gay Pride: “That definitely wasn’t the case. I’ve never dealt with the question of my personal life in public. It’s just not gonna happen.”
On going to a gay club with Tupac: “To me, doing a gay pride show is one of the most fun things. My first show that paid more than $10,000 was in a gay club on New Year’s Eve in San Francisco. Tupac happened to be in town, so he came to kick it with me. This was the early ’90s. And the boys were like, ‘Take your shirt off, Tupac!’ He wasn’t doing that. But we had a blast in there.”
On what she meant by calling the audience "her people": “I know that the most important thing and the only thing I have to give is love. When people are going through hatred and bullying, the biggest thing to fight that is love. So that’s all I encouraged my audience to do that night: to share their light and share their love. Period.”
Okay, so she's basically just Richard Simmons-ing it. Queen knows that we know that she wrestles clitty with her tongue. I guess it's not her time to fully come out yet, but does she know that when she officially comes out she gets a 3-pack of Hanes white tank tops, a gift certificate to IKEA and a screener for the new season of The Real L Word? Because that could be a dealmaker.
The Duck Hunt Dog! More like the Duck Cunt Dog. This bitch right here was as bold as bold can be and every kid who grew up playing Duck Hunt on NES probably learned how to hate by getting laughed at by this cruel motherfucker (yes, I thought about typing "motherducker" but realized it's always too early for a pun like that).
The Duck Hunt Dog really did have the perfect job for a fake video game dog. Dude got to lie in the grass, nibble on 16-bit foie gras and cackle right in the faces of children who didn't know how to shoot. He'd laugh right at you even though you had a plastic gun in your hand. Bitch didn't care, because he was bulletproof. Wonder Woman didn't have shit on him.
I sucked at that game and would even miss the ducks if I put the plastic barrel of my plastic gat right up to the TV screen. So the Duck Hunt Dog practically got a sore throat from laughing at me all day. Rude bitch.
The makers of Duck Hunt realized that they could make the dreams of children come true if they made it possible to shoot the laugh out of that evil beast, so they granted that wish in the bonus game of the arcade version. So this is for all the children of the 80s:
Zachary Quinto (35)
Brooke White (29)
Fabrizio Moretti (32)
Morena Baccarin (33)
Justin Long (34)
Nikki Cox (34)
Dominic Cooper (34)
Wayne Brady (40)
Wentworth Miller (40)
Dana Carvey (57)
Dennis Haysbert (58)
Joanna Gleason (62)
Frank Rich (62)
Jerry Mathers (64)
Lasse Hallstrom (66)
Stacy Keach (71)
Charlie Watts (71)
Sally Kellerman (75)