....And then Goddess CoCo's eighth world wonder ass swallowed the seat whole. RIP seat. It's in a better place now. - The Superficial
Jennifer Aniston and the Rockabilly Eddie Munster are in Rome now and the biggest story here is that her legs are denim-less - Lainey Gossip
Kim Kuntrashian looking like a beat down Joyce DeWitt on L'Uomo Vogue - The Berry
I hate my eyes for telling me this was Khloe Kardashian and not Sofia Vergara - Popoholic
Bitch, put some pants on! - Hollywood Tuna
Derek Hough is totally making sexme eyes at the pool boy - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
What I'm taking from this is that RiRi wants everyone to think she's a size 0 - Celebitchy
It is way too late in the week for a picture of fetus abs - ICYDK
"Bondage" is grateful for this - Celebslam
FYI: RiRi is rocking Chris Brown on her lap and putting his binky back in his cry hole every time he WAAAAHs it out - Hollywood Rag
"Is that your strap-on poking me in the back or are you just..." - George Clooney to Stacy Keibler - Popsugar
Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds went grocery shopping and didn't bring their own bags!!! CITIZEN'S ARREST THEIR ASSES! - Just Jared
And yet, Charlie Sheen's first time sounds more romantic than mine - I'm Not Obsessed
Jaime King's dress looks like every one of my Mac screensavers threw up on it - Go Fug Yourself
This kid knows - Videogum
I wish this was Charo, but it's obviously JLo - Cityrag
And thanks to J. Harvey for covering shit, including Lindsay Lohan being "exhausted" (read: hungover and pilled out), while I was off getting my teeth de-grossified at the Hazmat Dentistry.
She looks like the lady who runs group at the prison. Kate Winslet is filming a movie here in Massachusetts and can not locate a fuck in her purse for you, your brat children, and your town's ladies auxiliary. The aforementioned reportedly waited hours in a torrential downpour to catch a glimpse of Rose from The Titanic. (No, really - Ms. Swan gave it a "The").
Shanna Swan (aka perfection as a name) experienced some personal hardship when Kate didn't stop and share that coffee with her.
"Kate was so rude, she never once acknowledged any of us, I was devastated," hopeful fan Shanna Swan told Star (via Radar Online). "She gave dirty looks to people in my town who waited hours to see her."
“She always plays such warm people on the big screen, I thought she would be kind, so when she was mean, I was crushed,” Shanna said. “I watched The Titantic 13 times when I was 12 years old, and Kate wouldn’t even look up for a second to acknowledge we were all adoring her.”
Did she finally watch it for the 13th time when she turned 13? I smell OCD.
Anyway, do you see a watch on her Kate's wrist? She doesn't have time for your bullshit. Fuck, she must be depressed that's she not even filming in Boston. They have her in some small-ass town where people with stripper names are mean-mugging at her. You'd dive back into your black Cadillac, too!
Shelburne's claim to fame is that Bill Cosby lives there. Did you bring Bill to greet her with a Pudding Pop? No? Well, thanks for playing.
The real story here is that her Christian Scientist-esque ass lets her kid see a dentist. They inject the novacaine. How has her vaccine hatred not launched an investigation here? Dental pain management methods might be causing children to end up like the kid in We Need To Talk About Kevin! That kid fucking sucked! Spoiler alert - he jerked off harder when he knew his mom was watching!
Or what if novacaine injections are making it so later on in life kids grow up to be the kind of drivers who cut bitches off across three lanes of traffic so they make their exit? Dicks. I'm surprised her kid isn't Captain Yuckmouth Jr.
Jenny McCarthy is currently whoring a television project, so she needs to offer up some amusing bon mots about what a hot n' fun mom she is. I see your eyes rolling like beautiful marbles!
She explained, "It's horrific to remember. Evan woke up and said, 'There's this weird thing on my gum.' ...So I called the dentist and said, 'This is insane'. He said, 'Take a picture of it and send it to me.'
"So I'm taking a picture of it and I'm sending it to the dentist and I sent him a nude on accident (sic)! I swear to God! The dentist is, like, 80 years old. I literally screamed at the top of my lungs."
Unless her dentist is smoking pole, he probably loovvveeed it. She totally sexted on purpose. This bitch was so trying to cadge free dental care. Singled Out was a long-ass time ago.
You still have to work as a dentist in your 80s? People that age get dementia. You could end up with a toothless sucking anus maw when you wake up. Eff that.
Time now once again for Lindsay Lohan: Shit Is Fucked. TMZ is reporting that LiLo was found unconscious this morning in her Marina Del Ray hotel room after one of her pink bag carriers couldn't wake her ass up. Someone in her circle of mess phoned the medics not realizing that this is just what LiLo refers to as "Friday morning" and not a cause for alarm. Lohan's pink bag of secrets was due for its weekend refill, and LiLo was just making a little room in it via her pill hole (aka her mouth) last night. Ain't no thing!
The official (coke) party line is that she's been working two days non-stop on her televised desecration of Liz Taylor's memory, so she's real tired.
The EMTs showed up, thought "this bitch...", roused her ass, and left. Lohan wasn't taken to the hospital and she's already back on the set of Liz and Dick. Thinking Lohan had finally tapped out, Elizabeth Taylor's ghost had ascended to a higher plane of existence. She is now reportedly back on set, furious over Lindsay surviving, and plotting to possess a Lifetime intern into putting a live cobra in the pink bag.
If all this bullshit is just Lindsay doing some DIY marketing for her Lifetime comedy, it's pretty good. I would much rather read about her almost dying several times than take a cheesy online quiz to figure out which of the Army Wives I'm most like. Answer - Kim Delaney. I drink.
Because getting two teeth pulled out of my skull a few days ago wasn't enough, I'm going in for more dental work in a quick minute. My dentist says this work is going to take a long ass while, because my mouth is a mess. ("You need to stop brushing with dirty dicks." - you "I wish" - me) Since we're on the topic of messes, while I stare deep into the nostrils of a dentist, J. Harvey will fill in for me this afternoon by posting a couple or 3 posts. I'll be back later to do Crumbs. And then after I do Crumbs, I'm going to reenact the "I'll nevah let go!" scene from Titanic with my bong and a bottle of booze, because I've been told to stay away from smoking and drinking. My dentist hates me so and has a good way of showing it.
And here's Josh Hopkins from Cougartown and James Marsden sunning their man pecs in Hawaii. I don't know if they're on the same beach, but I do know that they need to touch nipples in front of a camera at some point during their vacation.
That beard. I don't whether to say it's a glorious piece of man fur and should be used to sell Brawny paper towels. Or is it a gross piece of muff that probably smells like dirty ass on a humid day? It looks like it's about to grow legs and piss on wall corners and hump knees. A dude should probably bring out the hedge clippers, Flowbee and grooming leash when his bushy beard beast starts to crawl past his neck and is about to become one with the hair lake on his chest. Those two bodies of hair should never touch. But then again, it kind of butches him up and kind of makes him look like a leather cub in his everyday clothes. Conflicted!
Here's Leonardo DiCaprio and his piece of the moment, Bar Blake Erin Laura Crystal or whatever her name is, riding their bikes in Manhattan yesterday. Riding bikes in NYC is a serious sport and is no joke. There's this bike lane by my apartment and it gets really busy on Saturdays. Sometimes, I stand there and watch the battle between ENRAGED bikers and clueless bitches standing in the middle of the bike lane, waiting to cross the street. I'm always impressed at how the bikers manage to spit out almost every insult in a matter of seconds. "Get out of the goddamn bike lane you stupid piece of shit cunt motherfucker dumb whore douche ass I hope I kill you one day you stupid brain dead dick." The rage that shoots out of their angry assholes can power their bike for miles. It really is some good Saturday entertainment. And yes, I'm easily impressed and easily entertained. We know this.
One of the original Teen Moms, Jamie Lynn Spears, is trying to become a country star and has been trying to pay her dues by singing at bars in Nashville. During a showcase at Nashville's 3rd and Lindsley Bar & Grill last night, Jay-meeeeeeeeeeee Liiiiiiiiiiiin (Note: Every time you say her name you should shout it out of the window while holding a dinner bell) warbled out a song she wrote for the older sister who paved the road that led to that Nickelodeon show. The song is called "I Look Up To You" and I wish Jamie Lynn would take a quick second from looking up to Brit Brit to look down at Brit Brit, so she can tell that ho to burn those fugilicious UGGs.
It makes sense why Jamie Lynn wants to be a country star. Jamie Lynn looks Carrie Underwood-ish in the face and sounds like a deaf Taylor Swift (that's saying a lot). I know it's the thought that counts (which is a sugary way of saying "keep your thoughts to yourself"), but this shit is NO "He's My Brother."
To save her floating turd of a network from completely sinking to the bottom of the toilet bowl, Oprah shoved herself into a full body condom and got into bed with whores. Godprah joined forces with the harlot heffas of HELL for an interview airing this holy Sunday on OWN.
I know that OWN has become that struggling, broke down, thirsty hooker who has lost its prime corner on the best part of the stroll and is now lucky to get a wooden coin for a sloppy handjob behind a Datsun parked in the alley, but has it really come to this? Was Courtney Stodden not available for an interview? Tan Mom? OctoMom? The Hot Dog Hooker? Literally ANYBODY but the Kuntrashians? How the Mighty O has fallen into the whore pit viper pit.
So far clips of the interview have been the same, re-hashed crap. Was the obviously staged wedding staged? NEVER! Is Khloe's biological father one of the neanderthals in the Natural History Musuem? NOT! But then Oprah asked Rob and the KKKs (that sounds like the name of the #1 band in Hell) about Pimp Mama Kris' pimping ways:
O: What do you say to people, and you've heard it, when people say your mother is pimping her children.
Kim: I think that's so ridiculous.
Rob: She's our mom.
Kim: First of all, we have to hire a manager. So regardless somebody has to get that. No one will fight harder for you than your own mother. She knows us. She knows all of our moods. Whether sometimes Khloe and her like are like 'Mom/manager' and they go back and forth.
O: You're very clear on that, though. You don't have to go back and forth. You know the line between mom and manager.
The slow pregnant one: They....work....well....really...well. *drooooooool*
Kim: We just get each other. We vibe. It works. No matter what, no one would fight harder for you than your own mother.
O: So you've never felt exploited by your own mother?
KKK: No, never.
Meanwhile, Pimp Mama Kris was slightly off camera with her ho slappin' hand up in the air and a look on her face that clearly said, "Kim, you better stick to the script, ho, or the next completely fake husband I set you up with will have a white dick!"
via E! Online
The likes of Aretha Franklin, Basement Baby, Meryl Streep, Anna Wintour, Olivia Wilde, Michael Kors and Andy Cohen all paid $40,000 a plate to pass through a mob of protesters (okay, there were like 4) to eat dinner at the Obama fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker's multi-million dollar West Village stall last night. Most stayed through dinner, listened to Obama's speech, did tequila shots off of Michael Kors' muffin top belly button with Michelle Obama, played a game of Pin the Tail on the SJP and "accidentally" wandered into SJP's shoe closet to "accidentally" steal some of her shit. But not Queen Aretha!
The light in SJP's dining room dimmed about 20 minutes into the event when Aretha picked up her glowing chichi domes and got out of that bitch. TMZ was outside of SJP's townhouse and they caught Aretha leaving 20 minutes after showing up. Aretha told them that food was "impressive" and they served "chicken with a mustard sauce, diced tomatoes and a lot of relishes on the side of the plate." Oh, Aretha left real early, because she had more important places to be. Specifically, important places that didn't only serve chicken. Really, chicken?! I know it was a fundraiser, but $40,000 for some shit you can find in the C-Town freezer section if you train your eyes to look for the words "Healthy Choice Chicken Cacciatore." For $40,000, I want eat some dolphin caviar sushi off of Obama's naked body in a champagne room that serves more than just Andre.
I bet Aretha snuck a few dinner rolls in her pocketbook to make up for the cheap ass meal.
This reminds me of when I went on a cruise with my mom and on the first night I sat in the dining room with her while wearing a sweatshirt with a swan playing a baby blue ukulele on it. Okay, I wasn't wearing that sweatshirt, but I just wanted to see if I could make that sentence even gayer. There was this old lady wearing a dusty blond wig at the table next to ours. One of her dinner mates asked her if she was going to have the chicken or the beef. Ole' girl was not playing when she said, "I can get chicken at home, honey. I'm here for the beef."
And that's how my favorite line to use at gay bars was born.