FINALLY! Those Magic Mike hos realized that what's really going to sell this Showgirls with floppy dicks mess isn't a stupid plot nobody cares about or a dumb ass annoying girl, it's oiled up man ass. (Side Whisper: Why, hello there, John Travolta. I know you're here since you have "oiled up man ass" in your Google alerts.) Press the mute button on this shit unless you really want a side of RiRi's goat yodel with your man ass. Then hit pause at 0:10 to see Alex Pettyfer's ass, then again at 0:12 to see Matt Boner face hump a lady, then again at 0:31 to see Pettyfer pout with both lips, then again at 0:46 to see a shadow of Big Dick Richie's prosthetic peen, then again at 0:52 to see some Texas T-Rex ass and finally hit the double lines at 0:54 for Channing Tatum's sideways smile. If you need me, I'll be trying to find a way to make holograms of all those screen grabs to put under the lid of my coffin.
At this point, we're all used to wet heaving through our eye holes at Brit Brit looking like she was just crowned Miss People of Walmart, but this is a whole new level of NO. Wheel out the barbecue grill and burn it all. The ozone layer will gladly take the hit. The only place safe for eyes to land on this picture is that cupcake in SPF's hand. The rest is a violation against humanity. I've said before that I'm sort of okay with chirrun wearing Crocs, since those rubber devil hooves are more comfortable than a whale's vagina (apparently), but SPF's mismatched Crocs tell me he has more than one pair in his closet. Why does he have more than one pair of Crocs? That's double the evil. Screw the Boogeyman , the real terror hiding in the bedroom closets of children is Crocs. Call the trailer witch and light the sage. Speaking of evil showing itself through footwear...
What in the HALE kind of GD UGGs are those? Are those knit condoms for UGGs?! It looks like a pair of leg warmers giving birth to tumors. Those are what Lucifer's minions wear when performing "What A Feeling" in the Ninth Circle Ballet. Those UGGs paired with those seriously sophisticated pocket-baring coochie cutters make Brit look like she's halfway through morphing into a dwarf pony.
WHYYYYYYYYYYY to all of this.
Will somebody please buy a box of Popeye's fried chicken chips, find Brit Brit on the streets of Santa Barbara and offer to trade her that deliciousness for those devil's intestines boots? She'll do it and then you can throw that shit into the fire.
The fuckery was with Star Magazine in full force this week. They pulled out a stack of blank report cards, graded a bitch hard and didn't hold back. They posted the grades on their cover this week and to them Sandra Bullock is basically the valedictorian of celebrity moms and and Xtina might have to take a few summer courses at the office of her local CPS. I don't know whether to laugh cry at that picture of Max with a shiner or straight up laugh at one of the Dragon Tales Twins screaming for her hired mommy. Never change, Star, never change.
Jezebel read the entire story and they summarized that absolute mess like this:
Sandra Bullock is a Good Mom because she once said of Little Louis: "I do not want anyone else to have the pleasure of changing poopy diapers but me!" Meanwhile, Angie is a Bad Mom because her kids travel a lot and "schlepping them around the globe isn't the best way to give them stability." Plus, they're always eating junk food and they (gasp) play with toy guns. Other model moms include Jennifer Garner, Reese Witherspoon, Pink and Alyson Hannigan; A students in the school of motherhood. Amber Portwood, Madonna, Christina Aguilera and Jennifer Lopez are bringing home Cs and Ds. Perhaps some tutoring will help bring those grades up?
The timing is a little off, I know. This should've come out in honor of Mother's Day, but I guess this is Star's gift to celebrity dads. Happy Father's Day! And about that pop quiz at the bottom. I'm going to guess that the answer is Kate Gosselin for all of them. And if we fast forward to the future when Sandra Lee pops out a kid, she'll be the answer for every one of those questions. I mean, Simon & Schuster is holding the title "Booze Over Storytime" for the future memoirs of Drunk Ass Sandra Lee's future kid.
The computer lab in the Twihard ward of every mental hospital will be filled for days with crazies Photoshopping their face over Renesmee's face in that cover. And I've said this before, but naming a kid, even a vampire kid, Renesmee is a shitty thing to do. Renesmee sounds like some shit Celine Dion would shout at her husband if he woke up not knowing who she is. "RUHNAY, IZ ME!" - Videogum
The crap on Duchess Kate's body looks like it was made from recycled jeans - Lainey Gossip
Screw my family for leaking my wisdom tooth video - The Berry
Chrissie Lou Connors has still got it - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Can this be the final nail on the Call Me Maybe parody coffin? - Towleroad
Are we sure there's not four more lakes of amniotic fluid up in there? - The Superficial
More shit nuggets of stupidity fall off of Jenny McCarthy's tongue - Celebitchy
Like Kim Kuntrashian would ever put anything white in her mouth - Hollywood Tuna
"Move that cone, I'm MiserAlba!" just doesn't have the same ring to it - Popoholic
Buffy the Baby Shit Slayer - Just Jared
STUNT QUEENING it Israeli soldier-style - OMG Blog
Either Suri's graduated to stilettos or Tommy Girl isn't wearing his - Popsugar
I blame Angie Jo's fame whoring zombie leg for this - Celebslam
Sasquatch spawning alert - Wonderwall
Hey, that statue's got three tits - I'm Not Obsessed
But does the basement room covered with pictures of Emma Stone come with it? - Cityrag
Jennifer Love Hewitt's mom passed away - ICYDK
Henry Hill, the inspiration for Goodfellas, passed away too - Hollywood Rag
Everybody in Milan better hang horseshoes from their nipples and protect their eyeballs with evil-eye sunglasses, because I have a feeling that Madge will open a box of dark-sidedness by flashing her sith holocron crotch (sith holocrotch?) at her show tomorrow night. I mean, I am sensing a shameless theme here.
Madge flashed tit faucet at her show in Turkey on Thursday night and during her show in Rome last night, she showed the audience what cracking nutsacks with her nalgas has done to her 53-year-old ass. So yeah, nipple in Turkey, ass cheeks in Rome, madgepoon in Milan, feed from a live colon cam in Florence and after that she'll just start showing audiences x-rays of her internal organs.
Some whores have been saying shit about this picture like "Granny cut her Metamucil with vodka again!" and "Save it for strip poker night at Shady Pines, granny!" First of all, Madge has the body of a roided-up hairless cat and not the body of a typical granny. Second of all, Madge might be a 105-year-old vampire, but she's not a granny yet. Third of all, if your granny got up on the table and flashed her lace thong Depends, you'd throw caramel squares at her while showering her with praise for representing the family name right! I know I would. But my abuelita would never do that. If she wanted to flash anything, she'd have to take off the sofa throw she wears over her shoulders, take off both cardigans and by the time she was about to take off the t-shirt she wears over her housedress, she'd be ready for a cold compress and a nap.
via UsWeekly (Thanks, Becky)
The complete mind fuck that is the American Horror Story-like makeover of The Munsters called Mockingbird Lane continues to fuck minds with the casting of Lily Munster. Bryan Singer and Bryan Fuller, who are responsible for the reboot, should've cast Colleen Williams or Joe Perry as Lily since they both already have the hair for it, but they cast Mandy Rogers (glamorized stage name: Portia De Rossi) instead.
Deadline says that Portia got the role after ABC Studios refused to let Lorena from True Blood out of her contract with that Devious Maids mess, which might be headed for Lifetime. Yeah, so Lorena from True Blood is totally farting in somebody's coffee mug today. Portia will put on a luscious skunk wig to play Lily alongside Jerry O'Connell as Herman, Eddie Izzard as Grandpa Munster, Charity Wakefield as Marilyn and Mason Cook as Eddie. The pilot for NBC apparently started shooting yesterday.
Just like the time my friend put a white trash daiquiri (an orange Icee and Bacardi) in front of me, Mockingbird Lane sort of weirds me out but I could get into it. Well, if anything at least I get to see Portia dragged up as a goth chola who listens to way too much Morrissey.
Here's Ellen DeGeneres and Portia looking like the first place and runner-up of a David Spade look-alike contest while walking around in L.A. the other day.
Pass this to the team of philosophers studying the meaning of the name of our new messiah. After Beyonce and Jay-Z gave their first born the name of the champagne room at The Blue Iguana, theories as to why they gave her that name ranged from, "Hos named her after a tree covered in Smurf jizz" to "Hos are obsessed with the color blue and number 4." There's a new theory out there and this one comes from the mother of the infinite blue light of holiness herself. Beyonce slapped a passage from Rebecca Solnit's "A Field Guide to Getting Lost" onto her Tumblr page and The Atlantic Wire (via Crunk + Disorderly) thinks it unlocks the meaning of Blue Ivy™ Carter's name. I don't know about that, but I do know it will unlock the meaning of the eye roll you're about to make. The Atlantic Wire broke it down for us:
"The world is blue at its edges and in its depths," Solnit writes in the passage Bey posted. "This blue is the light that got lost."
It's the opening to "The Blue of Distance," the second chapter. If Beyoncé read past the opening passage, then she understands the depth behind the chapter's name.
Solnit sees value in cherishing the desire she associates with the color, instead of treating desire as "a problem to be solved." Or in other words, looking into the "blue of distance" without wanting the distance to go away.
File that under: Beyonce Has Had WAY Too Much GOOP In Her Life. But seriously, Beyonce probably just Googled "Blue" and "deep shit" and after that passage came up, she threw it on her Tumblr page to give bitches something to blog about. And I fell for it.
Beyonce can try to throw us off the trail all she wants, but we all know she either named Periwinkle Fern after the belly rash she got from wearing that pillow all those months or after the secret password needed to get into the Illuminati's lair. You tried it, Bey.
Camila paid tribute to the most intimate and authentic wedding of our time by wearing a Kuntrashian-approved diamond headband and she also wore the JcPenney lace overlay tablecloth my abuelita had on her dresser under the Jesus hugging a crucifix porcelain statue she got at Pic 'N' Save. Sadly, the Texas T-Rex didn't wear a sleeveless tuxedo t-shirt, but he did make me bliss the fuck out by giving this statement. We know WHO smoked that bouquet up after the ceremony.
"We decided to embrace the ritual of marriage as an opportunity and adventure we'll take together."
Translation: "I'M BAKED, MAN."
I wish I was baked too, because that might make it easier for me to deal with that L.A. Looks gel in his hair and that picture that makes him look like Fire Marshall Bill after getting a graft from a dehydrated apricot. But I do love the tender "I'm going to poke at you to see if you're real-life or a figment of my shroom-induced hallucination" pose.
"Aaaaaand 1...2.. flash that ring to give Star Magazine a photo for their next 'JEN & JUSTIN ENGAGED!' cover story" is what Jennifer Aniston said to herself 4 seconds before this picture was taken. Nobody said that whoring for tabloid stories isn't hard work.
Before Justin Theroux flew to France with Jennifer Aniston in a private plate, checked into the finest hotel in Paris, ate the finest meals at the finest restaurants and took the finest shit in the finest toilet in Europe, he was in L.A. at the premiere of that Rock of Ages (aka the propaganda film secretly titled The Tommy Girl Really Does Love Pussy Movie), which he co-wrote. You'd think that the reporters at the premiere would ask the rockabilly Eddie Munster about his writing process and if it's true that the style of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was his inspiration for the line "I just threw up in my pants," but no. (Side note: Yes, the style of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle has inspired me to write about butt batter all day.) They asked him about Jennifer Aniston instead. Go figure. Justin said this shit when Extra brought up Aniston:
"Could not be happier. I always go to bed thinking I'm the luckiest guy in the world."
It's like he siphoned those words straight out of a multi-millionaire lottery winner's mouth! Not counting the hos who are about to put a spoonful of Burger King's bacon sundae in their mouth, this bitch is the luckiest dude in the world. Justin is soon going to live in a $21 million Bel Air mansion, he rests his skull every night on a pillow stuffed with cashmere-wrapped baby swan feathers, can take an elevator down to the Cabbage Patch nursery in his basement, has the most energetic b-hole ever from washing his asshole on a SmartWater bidet AND he's with a woman with impeccable fashion sense. I'm talking about those jeans and that Operation wishbone piece necklace. Aniston wears that necklace to remind her of all the special Saturday nights she spent playing Operation with her Beanie Babies. (SPOILER ALERT: The BBs won every game.) So of course, Justin is lucky. I bet his anus lips are shaped like a four-leaf clover.
Mom recently made a big move to divorce herself from a key family member and an oppressive lifestyle. But it looks like she isn’t going alone. She is taking her kid/s with her!
Grandma, who has lost all control of the situation, is not handling the situation gracefully. Grandpa, on the other hand, would have heartily approved of this turn of events. (Blind Gossip)
One of Lisa Marie Presley's new songs is probably about how she gave her promise ring made of barley back to the L. Ron Hubbard Hologram and how Scientology is going to get REVENGE!!! by leaking her audit sessions to the press, so this is obviously about her ass.
Can't Lisa Marie wave a full Juvederm syringe at Priscilla Presley's rubber zombie face to lure her away from Xenu's clutches? If Priscilla Presley wasn't in Melrose Place and didn't have a widow's peak of red paint on her top lip, I'd put her in my "I CAN'T WITH YOU, BITCH" list.
This beautiful R&B singer peaked in the early 2000′s but now her spotlight is dimming… Dimming so much that she is said to be working with a well-respected and discrete Hollywood Madame. For a few appointments a year, she’s paying the mortgage for herself and several family members. There are apparently a lot of rich business men that will pay big bucks to spend the night with a former famous performer. (BuzzFoto)
Ashanti? But I'm mostly only guessing Ashanti, because her name is still warm on my brain since I just read an article about how a high school in Atlantic City paid her $20,000 to speak to their students. And no, I don't think she gave them one of those "Go to college or I could be your future" kind of speeches. But really, $20,000 for Ashanti? For 2 cans of Sam's Choice cola and a White Castle coupon, they could've gotten Keri Hilson!
If this is Ashanti, then I have to give it up to that ho. Talking to the future of America for a check by day and riding dick for a check by night? That's almost some Co-ed Call Girl shit.
This going-to-be an A Lister and his fiancé have quietly split just in time for him to make his blockbuster break. He and his PR team want to pretend the engagement never happened while she is doing everything she can to [make the] marriage happen for all the wrong reasons. (Hollywood Dame via Blind Gossip)
Tom Hardy and Charlotte Riley? And Riley Hardy would make a good gay porn star name.