Archives

The meaning of true love is already on the dirty bathroom floor, crying into a half-empty bottle of Strawberry Hill after hearing that Zac Efron and pro beard-in-training Lily Collins broke up and now its going to bawl all of its internal organs out once it hears that the prized steed of the Cyrus family, Trace Cyrus, is no longer rearing on top of Brenda Song. There will be no double Cyrus wedding, because Trace told People that he's not going to ride off into the sunset with Brenda. As Brenda's mom Mai Song thanked the gods above the clouds for rebuking the craving for Emo pony peen from her daughter's being, Trace had this to say about their break-up:

"Brenda and I have decided to go our separate ways. We split up a couple of months ago. We will continue to focus on our careers."

Seriously, if you've ever wanted to see a Thai mother pop her pussy on her front lawn, go to Mai Song's house right now, because no doubt she's celebrating being free from those Cyrus crazies forever.

But Brenda is going to regret letting go out of Trace's lead rope. Brenda will have to find a new moonshine supplier and where else will she find a hot piece who is such a bad ass motherfucker that he has TWO feather drop tattoos. Those feather drops tattoos obviously represent the two canaries he took out. Yes, Trace is that bad. DanRad, you know you want to get on that while it's hot.

Lies flow out of Lindsay Lohan's mouth as often as entire bottles of bottom shelf whiskey flows into White Oprah's mouth, so this latest development in the slow motion car crash that is her entire life is about as surprising as the news that I once again almost peed in the bathroom sink this morning, because I was too lazy to lift up the toilet lid. As for why that toilet lid was down to begin with... A lazy-hating ghost is fucking with me, obviously.

TMZ, who I'm beginning to think has a secret wire stashed in Blohan's top lip, is hearing that when the cops came to the hospital to interview her about crashing her Porsche into that semi-truck, she told them the opposite of the truth. Bitch said that she was a passenger in the car and it was her assistant who was driving. You might be thinking to yourself, "But why would this dumb, stupid, moronic, self-entitled skid mark of mess lie to the cops about that?" Because if you put on a Hazmat-approved mask and pulled her chonies down, you'd find a gold seal on her ass with the words "CERTIFIED PATHOLOGICAL MESS" on it. But if you're going to be a pathological liar, you need to be smart about it, which this ho isn't. LiLo probably figured her assistant would stick with her story, but he didn't. LiLo's assistant ratted her out and told the cops she was the one driving. Well, not only is that dude probably out of a job, but you know LiLo is going to get every drug dealer in L.A. to blacklist him. Dude will never be able to buy a dime bag in that town again! That hurts.

Witnesses at the scene of the crash tell TMZ that they watched both LiLo and her assistant crawl out of the passenger side of the car after the accident. That means she climbed out of the drivers seat and into the passenger seat. That's the part I don't understand. Why didn't they switch seats if she wanted to make it look like he was the one driving? If LiLo's assistant refused to be an accessory to illegal fuckery, why didn't she just wrap her strong arm lips around his neck and pull him into the drivers seat? I swear, this ho needs to be better at scamming.

The cops apparently wrote LiLo's lie in their report and that could get her probation yanked away. Giving fraudulent information to a cop is a crime and she could go to jail for doing it.

If this is true (you know it is) and if LiLo gets into trouble for lying (you know she won't), she'll spend a total of zero seconds in a cell. LiLo will sashay into Lynwood, blow air kisses at her old friends at the VIP check-in counter and take a glamour shot for their celebrity wall of beauty before sashaying back out. The California Justice system is her whore and I'm sure the Lady Justice statue has "Lindsay's Bitch" tattooed on its taint. I think I saw it during a school field trip.

Jersey Shore whore Deena Cortese was arrested for drunkenly slapping at cars and I should be arrested for slapping your eyeballs by posting that picture - The Superficial 

The staff at George Clooney's Lake Como mansion (yes, I always read that as "Lake Homo mansion" too) are probably like, "Great, we have to learn another trick's name?" - Lainey Gossip

Why is it news when John Travolta makes a pilgrimage to P-Town? - Towleroad

There's no way that's Snooki's cooter, because I don't see any pickle bits in it - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Jada Pinkett Smith's got butt cheeks on her face - Celebitchy

If Cinderella was one of the cocktail waitresses on It's A Living... - Hollywood Tuna 

Oh, to be a gecko tattoo near Alex O'Loughlin's nipple - The Berry 

Selena Gomez has her own bottle of stank, because the world really needs that - ICYDK

Prince William doing an impression of my drunk ass this weekend - Popsugar

The self-making bed is creepy, but the lazy in me happily embraces it - OMG Blog 

Shouldn't Madge be the one with the cane? - Just Jared

My first thought is: AHAHAHAHAHA! My second thought is: Modeling is hard! - Videogum

Zac Efron better tame those wild brows, because he has a reputation as the most manicured princess in all the land to keep up - SOW

Puppies stuck in stuff - Cityrag

Katy Perry got drunk at a children's party. Stars are just like us! - Hollywood Rag

Bitch, please. Suri was more like, "Daaaaaaad, why did you get into my make-up drawer again?" - I'm Not Obsessed

Here's the perfect thing to follow-up a Jennifer Aniston post, because I'm pretty sure this is how she got her daily dose of real human contact before Justin Theroux. The pranksters at LAHWF conducted something of a social experiment by breaking through a stranger's personal space to try to hold hands with with them. (This is not to be confused with John Travolta's dick holding with massage therapists prank.) This is obviously not NYC, because even though this is a city where you're regularly touching ass-to-ass with a stranger in a packed subway car, grabbing at ho's hands wouldn't go down so well. Instead of the title "The Holding Hands with Strangers Prank," this mess would be titled "Watch A Grabby Dude Get His Hand Shot Off."

via Tastefully Offensive 

Yeah, "Therouxiston" doesn't really work as a couple name. I know the whole celebwhore couple name thing is something that should've been buried deep in the Internet cemetery marked 2008, but I'm an old-fashioned blogger who likes to stick with traditions and shit. I've heard the names JenStin, AniRoux and JustiFer, but none of those have stuck with me. Maybe JustAnis or AnisTheroux? AnisTheroux almost sounds like "anus throw up," and Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux do remind me of butt discharge for some reason. AnisTheroux it is!

Jennifer and Justin strut all around Paris today, because nothing sells a movie and kills a break-up rumor like hand-holding on le ho stroll. Fire up the BREAKING NEWS siren, because Jennifer wore almost the same outfit two days in a row. When Jennifer and Justin landed at the airport yesterday, she wore BAGGY rolled-up jeans. And for her strut through Paris this morning, she wore TIGHTER rolled-up jeans. What does it all mean, besides the fact that she has shit taste in jeans? I'm sure in the next issue of Star Magazine, an expert will say that Jen changing jeans is a secret message to Brad Pitt.

I actually like the baggy jeans better, because from the waist down it makes her like the Cabbage Patch boy doll I had in preschool. And that shit is fitting.

Jenny McCarthy's LOOK AT ME Tour is speeding down the fame whore expressway as scheduled and since she's already talked about her son's private feelings, she's doing the next best thing to get maximum media exposure: talking about her pubes.

This November 1st, the world will celebrate For Why Is Jenny McCarthy Famous Day, and she's celebrating early by baring her nekkid body in July's issue of Playboy. Jenny told Today (via People) that she's celebrating her 40th birthday by posing for Playboy, because she wanted to show her Tupperware titty sacks off before "everything really falls apart." Jenny also said that you won't see a sliver of her coochie lips, because she gave her waxer the month off.

When asked recently if she plans to bare it all, McCarthy, 39, answered without hesitation.

"What's everything?" she said with a laugh during an interview on Today. "I mean I grew out a bush so nobody sees anything."

If only Jenny would grow a bush over her mouth too.

But seriously, since Playboy is obviously going to copy + paste Jenny's current day head over her 1993 naked body and call it a day, they're definitely going to Photoshop a pussy beard on her too. For Jenny's sake, I hope Playboy pastes Demi Moore's glorious panties of pubes over her crotch. Because nobody grows pubes the way Demi grows pubes. (NSFW unless you work as a professional black bear groomer) Never forget! 

Usually, I'm all for a dress that makes eyes frantically search the chichis zone for a possible nipple slip situation, but I just can't with the mess Jessica Chastain had on her body at the Doogie Howser SINGS! Show last night. To me, in interviews Jessica Chastain always comes off as a sweet, overexcited kitten whose eyes flare with potent glee at the sight of anything shiny, so I sort of understand why she decided to wear this shit. "SHINY! AH WANTS IT ON ME!" was probably Jessica's first reaction to that fug mess. But it's her friends, family and stylist's job to gently sit on her something soft, hand her a cup of herbal tea and calmly tell her that the dress she chose makes her tits look like they fell into a coma after contracting a rare bedazzled bacteria infection. Even Jessica's chichis are frowning at this look.

That dress has achieved the impossible by looking both slutty and frumpy. It's like a whory memaw's freakum dress. That dress is such a slut that it even comes with its own STD. Or maybe that shit on her dress is a sparkly green fungus only found in the enchanted forest or rotten eggs laid by a gay trout. I don't know what it is, but I do know the free clinic should quarantine it and treat it with a topical ointment.

And Jessica made that mess look even worse by standing next to the epitome of glamorous perfection Bernadette Peters. Who let her do that and why do they hate Jessica so much?

Anyway, here's a bunch of pictures from last night's TONYs. In order: Jessica Cheststains with Bernadette Peters, Ellen Barkin (whose hairline should be studied by the Unexplained Mysteries people), Judith Light, Ricky Martin, NPH with his partner, Sheryl Crow, Amanda Seyfried, BP, Clair Huxtable, a pug in Endora drag, Stockard Channing, Audra McDonald, Linda Lavin and Hugh Jackmeoff with his feathered beard.

Thousands gathered in front of the main stage at L.A. Gay Pride in West Hollywood on Saturday and watched as Lil' Kim shook her shellacked ham hocks and kept her waxed cheek cutlets from melting off of her face by fanning herself. We should temporarily put down our umbrellas of hate and not throw shade at Lil' Kim for looking like a big top mess. Let's say something nice instead of making fun of Kim's rubber Nermal face. Or that parched lace front that looks like it just came out of a McDonald's deep fryer. Or those fake lashes that look like the plucked wings of a baby crow (CALL PETA!). Or that face paint job that was probably done by the same foolish mortician's assistant who slathered Lisa Turtle's mug with ten coats of fug. Or the face that Kim looks like an escapee from the Zoobilee Zoo and Mayor Ben really needs to throw a net over this trick. Let's not point any of those things out and focus on the positive for once!

I'm going to slow clap at Kim for qualifying for the U.S. Olympic Eyebrow Game trials. I'm also going to say something nice about Kim's nose. I'd sit and bounce on Kim's nose, because it always looks like a short pencil dick with a pinched mushroom head and anything that makes me think about peen is a good thing. ("Dumb slut, what doesn't make you think about dick?" - you). Good point.

Nina Arianda of 50 Shades of Venus Fur beat out Mrs. Rojo Caliente, Cynthia Nixon, for Best Lead Actress in a Play at last night's gay Super Bowl, but I'm pretty sure that a few hours later the full body orgasm she got from being named the greatest non-singing actress on Broadway faded away as she tucked that trophy into bed next to her. Nina stared deep into the doped up eyes of the scary face on the left on her trophy and knew that Cynthia was the real winner of the night since she got to tuck in ROJO CALIENTE!!!!

The reigning Queen and Queen of the ginger gayelles made their first public appearance at the TONYs since they resurrected the beaten horse known as the sanctity of marriage from the dead by becoming each other's wife three weeks ago. It makes the loins of my soul tingle knowing that after all these years together, the sight of Rojo looking dapper as a motherfucker in a Men's Warehouse tuxedo (from their debonair Hobbit collection) still makes Cynthia moist in the pits. The sign of true love IS creamy pits.

Seeing how John Travolta was such a good and loyal customer, the sauna decided to make a private entrance for him in his honor. - Who Datt

Runners-up:

Mark Spitz or Swallows? - perky

Its close but Adrien Brody still has a bigger nose. - fleawatch

Submitted by on Sat, 06/09/2012 - 1:58am.
Micheal Phelps should have listened. On a 10,000 calorie a day diet, you will get too big. - Diana Crabtree

(Thanks, Cherry Sands)