I think I'm the only one who didn't know that Steve Madden is an actual person and not just some random name a huge corporation came up with for their shoe line. I honestly didn't know this. But this is coming from a dumb stupid bitch who up until I was 17 or so really thought that when I put my ear to a conch shell, I can hear the waves crashing onto the beach where the shell was found. I wish I was telling you a joke. I really believed that the huge shell your grandma keeps on her coffee table is like a direct telephone connection to the ocean. Like sea magic at work! Who did I think I was? The little fucking mermaid? I wish I could blame it on drugs, but I can't. It's just my natural dumbness. So when I call a dumb bitch a "dumb bitch," I'm totally projecting.
So, Steve Madden the person has worked with the double, double toil and trouble twins for five years and most recently he worked with them to bring the Italian brand Superga to the states. At the opening party for Superga's first US store in NYC, Steve Madden told Fashionista that everything they say about working with trolls is true. They cackle behind your back, nip at your ankles when you disobey them and threaten to eat the hair on your first born's head if you look at them funny.
“They’re very demanding, they’re very tough. You know, just tough, tough. They want what they want. And so we worked hard to get that done. They are difficult. They are exacting. They are a pain in the ass. But they’re very good though. No. They’re awesome. They’re very grown up, very worldly. And I’m very immature. So we meet in the middle.”
Demanding and tough? Steve Madden is just being dramatic for the sake of being dramatic. How hard could it be to work with those demon children? If they don't get what they want, they just put their heads together and force you to stare into their eyes as their irises project images of your gruesome demise if you don't do exactly what they say. That's not being tough at all!
YAAASS! Madge's Vadge makes its comeback in Israel. And I don't think that's a camel toe. That's the mouth of one of the souls she ate trying to get out - Daily Mail
Don't you just want to scrub the dead skin off of your nalgas with Tom Hardy's beard? - Lainey Gossip
The midget Catherine Trammell - Hollywood Tuna
The Olsens call this look dirty coke and black tar heroin - The Superficial
Ryan Seacrest's face merkin is killing it in the eyebrow department here - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
A page from Maddox's dream journal - Celebitchy
I think I've seen the Green Lantern's pocket hottie boyfriend on Sean Cody - Towleroad
It's TGI Shirtless Friday's again - The Berry
Bitch, you ain't Jennifer Beals - Popoholic
What's Weezy crying about today? - IDLYITW
The most beautiful girl to grace a balcony since that Juliet trick - ICYDK
"Let the lord use you, gurl!" - OMG Blog
RPattz's got the face mic and now all he needs a top ponytail to start VOGUEING - Popsugar
Adam Levine ordered from the VS catalog again - Just Jared
Picking glitter out of her 'gina: Erykah Badu's sister must've been doing that for days - Crunk + Disorderly
Um...but who made the better Kool-Aid?! - Videogum
Sedated cat on a cold tin roof - I'm Not Obsessed
Brooke Mueller and rehab have reunited once again - Hollywood Rag
The closest you'll ever get to a tickle fetish video starring Benedict Cumberbatch - Cityrag
Here's Gary Busey having a beautiful moment with an ice cream cone in Malibu yesterday and I'm surprised at the restraint his ass is showing. With those surf board teefs, he could destroy that ice cream in two chomps. Hell, since his teefs have a life of their own, I'd think they'd tell his tongue to stay in the back while they licked up that cream themselves. In other Busey news, The Hoff recently said that even if Gary Busey shape shifted into a cheeseburger, he wouldn't want to go near him. Another reason to love Busey! The jumbled up Scrabble board in his head can come up with an acronym for anything AND he also keeps The Hoff away.
It seems like the weeks leading up to last night's episode of Don't Be Turdy For The Wedding, Bravo promoted that mess like it was its Who Shot JR Moment? or like they were going to tell us if Michael T. Weiss ever got caught for beating Jennifer Beals' character in that stairwell (Never 4get 2000 Malibu Road). They made it seem like seeing the top of Kim Zolciak's head in its supposed natural state is an important moment in basic cable history. I don't know why. We've seen that bitch wig-less during lesbian days. It's not anything new.
I doubt you care about the details of last night's episode, but I'm going to tell you anyway since I feel like typing and I just want to type to type. (Story of my blog.) Kim's wig tamer Derek J came over the day before her wedding to talk about what she wanted him to do to her bridal wig. Kim really wanted to chav it up for her special pre-divorce ceremony day, but Derek J stuck with the script the producers gave him before they shot the scene and told her she should wear her natural hair. That led to Kim taking her wig off in the other room before coming out without Benji's carcass on her head.
Bitch looked like a 45-year-old assistant manager at a hair salon that specializes in styles from the 90s, but that's besides the point. If that's Kim's real hair, then I have two dicks for nipples. That has to be a wig or at least a nest of weave pieces. I bet Kim wears a wig under her wig just in case somebody snatches the top one off. If you pulled all the layers of wigs off of Kim's head, you'd find a plastic dome with the words "Mattel Inc/1967/Korea" branded into it. And you can't try to convince me otherwise. Clip of that mess below:
Brian McKnight is back and he's still using his dirty tongue to flick off musical lyrics about all the ways he can get you off. If it wasn't for Professor McPussyWhisperer, you wouldn't know about female ejaculation and now he's really going for his first Grammy win by moving from the cooch hole to the booty hole. Brian gave the clip of his new ode to ass sex to TMZ and tells them he wrote it as a thank you to YouPorn.com for making his pussy learning song a hit. Yes, a song about dick-on-no-no action. It looks like the Kardashians have a new theme song for their shit show!
TMZ censored the hell out of the clip, but you can still tell that the song is so poetically beautiful that Hallmark should put it into its singing Valentine's Day cards. Here's just a taste of the lyrics and I really mean that, you can actually taste them. You can smell them too (it's like eau de Scientology Center). You might want to slip your tongue into a condom and plug your nose before you go in:
"You wanna see some fucking anal, I can get you close enough to smell."
Highly respected music history professors will be reciting those lyrics in 150 years while lecturing students on the most important musical works of the 21st century. I like the direction Brian McKnight is going and since he's self-appointing himself as the musical encyclopedia of fuck times, can he please croon about felching next?
Before Jessica Simpson gave birth to an adorable human check worth $800,000, she told Ryan Seacrest that her piece's peen always has amniotic fluid dripping off of it because they were having them some pregnancy sex all the time. Well, Jessica tells People (via DM) that giving birth four weeks ago didn't temporarily curb her craving for her man's dick and she hopped on that shit three weeks after a baby came out of her body. Since Jessica had a c-section, her doctor told her to stay away from crotch bumping for six weeks so the wound could heal, but she did it anyway and of course had to tell us all about it.
"I've kind of broken one rule, I think I have the sexiest man in the world. So that's the rule I break."
Why do I have a feeling that copy of People is lying on Papa Joe's bathroom floor and that quote is circled with a thick black marker? DAMN YOU, Jessica.
I get where Jessica is coming from (no pun intended and you can send me your therapy bills for injecting that image into the projector in your head). Sometimes the dick you're leasing is so good that you just want to hop on it and ride until your c-section incision splits open and the flesh-eating bacterias get you. What else is Jessica supposed to do all day? She's no longer driving around through the Wendy's drive-thru all day and she's got a $4 million Weight Watchers contract to fulfill! So she's just humping and sucking her way to skinny. And when she needs a quick snack, she just dips Eric's peen in corn dog batter. It's only 4 Weight Watchers points!
You'd think that since Justin Bieber is a communion wafer with hair who can walk on water, he'd be able to walk through glass too. But that shit ain't so. The Lesbeaver isn't the Canadian Jesus, but he might be a vampire fetus who can't see his own reflection in anything, because glass once again made him its bitch in Paris yesterday. I know, I totally should've made "glass" Hot Slut of the Day.
Bieber called into TMZ yesterday after his head kissed a glass wall backstage during a show at the top of one of the tallest buildings in Paris. The Lesbeaver said that he hit his golden globe of tween dreams so hard that he suffered a slight concussion. Even though tiny, sparkly Bieber heads (that's what the Bieb sees instead of stars, obviously) spun around him, he still went back out on stage and finished the show. But after the show, he stumbled back to his dressing room and passed out for 15 seconds. Yeah, that is why it felt like there was TOO much oxygen in the air for 15 seconds yesterday. Because every Belieber sensed that their God was out and held their breath until he woke up. They got the senses like that.
A doctor from the Cabbage Patch Medical Center was airlifted in to check on Bieber. The doctor cleared Bieber and the world continued to spin.
This isn't the first time and it's not even the second time Bieber lost a battle against his greatest enemy, glass. Let's relive the beautiful memories.
And every bird is like, "That dumb bitch!'
If a movie poster doesn't look like it should be printed on 3x4 glossy card stock and passed out by a twink in a sleeveless shirt in front of Micky's on Santa Monica Blvd., we don't need it! The Magic Mike hos obviously get that, because here's the A for effort, low-budget poster for that cinematic bulge party camouflaged as a movie (I'm hoping). This is some Village People night at your mom's favorite club shit. This movie better not let me or my Saran-wrapped parts (I care about the cleanliness of movie theater seats) down. It better be like an episode of Dancing Bear. (Google that at lunch on your iPhone when you're in the comfort of the last stall in your office bathroom).
And here's some pictures of Joe ManJello flexing his He-Man doll body in Men's Health UK. The things your Photoshop is going to do to that picture of him with the tire. Adobe should just go ahead and add a "replace tire with muscle bottom" tool in Photoshop.
As night fell over the land, a figure emerged. He licked his lips, adjusted the lace front on his Vinnie Barbarino wig, and started whistling "I Feel Pretty." Xenu be damned, John Travolta knew deep down he was the only one who could save the day. - Reesey C
In other news, stock in Chapstick rose 200%. - Glen
Newspapers around the world report that Zac Ephron is taking a one-year vow a celibacy. - BernardProfitendieu
TommyGirl picks up the phone and excitedly asks "Line One or Line Two?" - TexnDoc
Murkin the dog! Not only does Murkin have the same name as a crotch wig, but he also has to deal with a needy pussy who is all up on him all the time. The feral cat's name is Thomas O’Malley Flufferpants (I can't with that name) and when he was brought into the shelter, he was in a bad way. Flufferpants was a homeless cat who had all sorts of medical problems. Once he was nursed back to health, a big-hearted foster family took him in and he almost immediately got sweet for the family's dog Murkin. To say that Murkin isn't feeling cuddly for Flufferpants is an understatement. Murkin is the Penelope to Flufferpants' Pepé Le Pew. Stay with Murkin's face while watching the clip and you'll see a priceless gallery of side-eyes, sighs, roll eyes and emotions that range from "THIS bitch again?" to "I should really look into building a water moat around me." I haven't seen such an obvious display of MEH for pussy since Richard Gere kissed Jodie Foster in Sommersby.
When you go back to work on Monday morning, play this video and let Murkin's face say "Why me?" so you don't have to. As RuPaul would say: Dear Murkin, I ask that you guide my thoughts, my feelings and my perceptions.