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The newest (not really) trend in the City of Shiny Money-Grubbin' Tramps is to break up and then HINT that you might be reconciling. Do it at someone's birthday party! Or do it on stage during the finale of your reality show! Jennifer Lopez, Marc Anthony, and her gigantic buttocks came together in Las Vegas for the live finale of their reality show - Q'Viva! The Chosen. I love that title. It sounds like they're going to save the world from Loki, but do it in a very telenovela dramatic cunt way with hair-flipping, insanity eyes, paternity reveals, and lots of men being tape-gagged. I'm not being pervy, every telenovela I've seen there's a dude with his mouth taped. Univision is kinky.

Hold up. I just checked out the show's website, and who is the caramel sauce that needs to be on my vanilla sundae? He's Jamie King and he's worked with pop music's finest. He was the one responsible for Old Lady Madge at the Superbowl! Did he choreograph the part where her gout made her stumble on those bleachers? Nevertheless - hi Jamie! I need something choreographed. It involves our penises.

Back to the boring part. J. Lo and vampire made them gasp, scream, and shit when the two judges strode out near the end and hugged and held hands. This could be a humanitarian effort on Jennifah's part. Marc is down to bones and dust and needs to feed on her curvy parts to revitalize himself. It's only right. He is the father of her children (not that Casper one).

Check out the pics of their "reunion" in the gallery. If I was one of those "body language experts" (is that a full-time job?) from In Touch or some other pamphlet, I would translate this as "thinly disguised hatred but sharing an addiction to attention."

Someone's balls finally dropped! And all it took was getting his Target junior miss stripey sock being exposed! Justin Bieber is supposedly wanted for assault. It's like you just read Lindsay Lohan is wanted for her acting abilities! A member of the paparazzi has learned that you don't get in front of Hilary Swank's car without paying the price. That price being hearing damage from an angry falsetto voice squeaking at you, and possibly your t-shirt being untucked after a gangly youth "came at you, bro."

TMZ sez that Justin was with his abuser Selena Gomez at a mall in Calabasa, CA when a photog wouldn't move aside from in front of his car. Bieber puffed up his...gaucho pants with the paisley bandana accents(?)...exited his car and put the Heisman on that ho. The pap called the po-po, but Bonnie and Clyde 2012 (Mary Lay Latourneu and Villi Edition) had already fled the scene.

The "victim" was unable to use his camera anymore due to chest pains (and the dollar signs obscuring his eyes) so he was taken to a hospital, treated and released. The cops are calling it a misdemeanor battery and looking to question Bieber. You know he's walking around the kitchen all shaky, regaling his bodyguards and family with the story of how he beat that guy's ass, while Selena frowns and wonders why she's hanging around with his androgyny when she could be having a train run on her by One Direction. Way manlier.

Witnesses at the scene say that a guy claiming he was an attorney came out of the crowd after Bieber left, and urged the injured party to file a complaint and ride in an ambulance because there could be cash involved. Always trust legal counsel whose client base consists of people he met on curbs.

This coud be some Legend Of Billie Jean shit. Go on the run, Bieber. You've got her haircut already.

The Beer Can Popsicle! My stat counter tells me that 99.9% of you are lying on a lounge chair in your backyard preparing to put yourself in a deep Cool Whip, hot dog and sweet nectar-induced coma. No, that doesn't mean that only members of the Spears family read my ass. That means it's Memorial Day! If you're like me, then you'll spend your Memorial Day getting drunk on beer and sugar with your family on a grassy lawn in the crackhead park near your apartment. But sometimes holding a paper bag-wrapped beer can in one hand and a sugary popsicle in the other is HARD work. That's why the beer can popsicle from Diablo Royale restaurant in NYC was invented! It's beer and a popsicle in one so you just have to strain one hand. Or you can do what I do, lie face up and stick the beer can popsicle in your mouth and let it naturally melt down into your throat tunnel. That's the American way!

via Urban Daddy

Carroll Baker (81)
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Rudy Giuliani (68)
Gladys Knight (68)

This very clean-cut, and religious television actress might be highly opinionated about morality, but we shouldn’t judge her too harshly. She has a terrible pain-killer addiction she is struggling with. (BuzzFoto)

Patricia Heaton? But in Patricia Heaton's defense, she's the absolute WORST and so if I was Patricia Heaton, I too would shovel pills into my mouth hole until the back alley-iest of back alley pharmacists refused to serve me. Then I'd put on a truck costume, park myself at Abbott Labratories' loading dock and open my mouth as employees threw boxes of Vicodin into it. So yeah, Patricia Heaton totally has a valid excuse for being a pill gobbler.

This A-list star was having a boys-only gay bash in the late ’90s at his Hollywood Hills home when his then-wife (she’s now his ex) unexpectedly showed up at the front door. The actor’s bodyguard turned the Oscar-winning actress away because her hubby was busy hosting a slew of sexy young men! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Tommy Girl and Nicole Kidman? Ah, the old days when Tommy wouldn't want his contract beard around while he ate the Thetans off of a boy butt. Nowadays, not only does Tommy want his beard wife at his man sex orgies, but he programs her to serve barley lube and butt beads shaped like L. Ron Hubbard's head to his guests. That truly is the secret to a long-lasting fake marriage. 

So, this actress was A list. She was on top of the world and then got sucked into the lies of an A list movie actor and lost it all. Why? Because he was bored and placed a bet with crew members that he could get her to have sex with him. The bet was that he could get her to have sex in 10 different locations before the end of the movie. He won easily. She was always a bed and lights off person, but she did everything for him and anything he wanted.

She was married at the time and had some on set flirtations but nothing beyond that even though her husband cheated on her frequently. She was going to be the good one in the relationship. She liked her martyr role. She liked being able to throw it into her husband's face whenever they argued which was often. There was no joy, but she was faithful at least until she met the A list actor that would change her life forever. He was bored. He was in the middle of nowhere and the drinking options were limited. He did like the crew though. He always got on with the crew. he also like getting it on with local women and extras and any other woman who was willing. The problem was there just weren't that many. So, one night when he was drinking he made a bet with the crew that he could get his co-star to have sex with him. The crew didn't think it was much of a challenge so the ten locations was added.

The actor started the next day and it took entire days of talking to her and wearing her down. He gave up drinking for three days just so he could talk to her into the night. He turned on that A list actor charm and finally wore her down. They hooked up. All the time and everywhere. She was not just in this for the sex though, she had fallen in love with the actor. When she told him she was going to leave her husband, he was not even paying attention or it didn't register, but she did that and when she did, that was the end. Her A listness was over permanently. His A listness took a huge hit and took years and years to even come close to coming back. When he told her that he just was not interested in her that way and didn't want to be with her forever, it crushed her. It took her a few years to just get over that. She had given up everything and all he wanted was sex. (CDAN)

Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan? But Meg Ryan didn't fall backwards off of the top of A in A-list, because Russell Crowe's peen left her tragically dickmatized. Meg screwed her career when she injected her mug with half of the Pepboys lube aisle, because there aren't a lot of roles out there that call for actors with faces like an inside/out Howard the Duck mask.

She ain't dumb. If someone starts shooting, the ridiculous shit she wears will prevent her from running or diving to save her own ass. Lady Gaga has cancelled her big June 3rd show in Indonesia due to Islamic extremists thinking she's there to corrupt the children. The Indonesian police refused to grant her show a permit despite having already sold 52,000 tickets. Cowards! How could you do this to Mother Monster?!?! She must spread her message before people figure out she ripped off Róisín Murphy's entire career!

"I'm so very sorry to the fans and just as devastated as you if not more. You are everything to me. I will try to put together something special for you. My love for Indonesia has only grown," she said via Twitter.

I'm sure she'll recover and sleep peacefully on her giant pillow filled with money and ego. It's always amusing to see an American pop star just roll up on a foreign land thinking they're going to "rebel" because the "kids" need her. Call her Mrs. Birdseye - the show is frozen (God, I need to watch Medusa: Dare To Be Truthful again)! America is not the world, honey. I'm not saying censorship is the thing, but Sex And The City 2 shouldn't be your compass when it comes to international relations. Fuck, was that awful or what? Oppressed Muslim women were wrapping their niqabs tighter around their faces in embarrassment.

Check out some more pics of Stefani at the Narita airport in Japan on the 16th of this month. I thought Chanel was supposed to look classy? Can you imagine sitting on a fucking airline flight in that get-up? I'd be clawing at myself trying to get comfortable. Then again, I'm writing from the perspective of a brokedown bitch in coach.

Demi Moore recovered from her Whip-Its overdose. Ashton Kutcher realized he made mistakes. They both privately realized that the interest over his cheating, their split, and her meltdown had faded AND SOMETHING NEEDED TO BE DONE. So they're giving off signs that they're getting back together. Hopefully Twitter knows enough to slit UP its wrists and not across.

Radar says that @aplusk and the former @mrskutcher attended the birthday party of one of their Kabbalah leaders, Rabbi Yehuda Berg. While there, they shared an "emotional 60-second embrace". Come now. Demi was just searching his pockets to see if he was holding, and Ashton was just dry-humping. Dude will stick his goofy dick anywhere. Apparently, they chatted for awhile and Demi was said to be staring at him like "a love-sick puppy". We can all sign off on the "sick" part.

During the party, guests stood up to speak about how awesome the rabbi is (sounds like a good time) and Ashton is said to have started regretting shit when he got up.

Ashton gave a speech at Kabbalah Rabbi Yehuda Berg’s 40th birthday party and teared up when he said “I’ve made all these horrendous mistakes in the last year.”

A guest at the party said “Ashton’s voice started to break as he spoke. He just fell into tears. He sat down to a round of applause while Demi just looked frozen.”

The "mistakes" he was talking about include fucking a slut on his sixth anniversary without having her sign a NDA first, and not being there to Tweet pics of Demi seizing after Redi-Whip overpowered her. Demi wasn't "frozen", that's just her face.

If they DO get back together, can Ashton handle the bathroom bikini photoshoot duties this time? Sit down, Ma.

Amanda Bynes was reportedly involved in ANOTHER vehicular hit-n-run. The victim claims Amanda clipped her on the 101 in the San Fernando Valley on April 10th and then sped off. The person she massaged bumpers with gave chase after recording the license plate number and noting who she was. Amanda and her BMW ran a red light and escaped. Fuck, once she hits something and gets her smartphone knocked out of her hand - bitch is suddenly The Driver.

She needs to start taking the driver's ed car, complete with a passenger-side set of brakes and a cantankerous-ass driver's ed teacher willing to use them. This crazy bitch. You know the reason why she's taking out cars left and right is because she's always texting or she discovers tiny spots on her big mug in her mirror that the spray tan cannon somehow missed. And panics.

Also, she compounds her idiocy by driving off like they won't find her. It's 2012. The only people who commit crimes anymore are fools. There are cameras everywhere, every move you make is recorded on someone's server, you leave DNA wherever you go, and people want to get on TV so they'll totally sell your ass out. The victim of Amanda's shitty driving tracked her fool ass down!

From TMZ:

CHP showed up, ran the plate and determined it was a rental vehicle. Officers told the victim the culprit was driving an Enterprise rental car. The victim then contacted Enterprise, who told her the person who had rented the car was Amanda Bynes.

The victim then showed up at a CHP substation and ID'd Amanda from a photo lineup. And get this ... the photo of Amanda was taken just 4 days earlier -- it was her mug shot from a DUI arrest. Amanda was driving in West Hollywood on April 6 when she clipped a cop car and was immediately popped for DUI.

This doesn't end well. For pedestrians. No charges have been filed against Penny Pingleton because they need another independent witness. It's LA, if you've used a craft services table, you can behead a nun and only do a couple of days. This means Bynes is still out on the streets. Out on the streets, with no job prospects (her show and She's The Man were a long time ago) and thinking she's on the bumper cars. Look both ways, everyone. Brandy needs to visit Ms. Bynes and explain what it means to kill someone with your car.

Baku, Azerbaijan became Ground Zero Fuckery last night when the Eurovision finals covered the air with broken mirror ball shards, exhaust pipe fumes from the most messed up acid trip ever and glow stick innards. Sweden was crowned the Grand Masters of Musical Foolery, which means that the come-to-life Russian nesting dolls known as Buranovskiye Babushki were ROBBED right to their faces. Every trick who voted against them needs to get a slap to the hands with a lapti (that's Russian for chancleta!). Not only were the Babushkis' dreams crushed by a professional arm waver from Sweden, but my third favorite Eurovision mess (after the Russian memaws and Conchita Wurst) didn't even make the finals. Montenegro's Rambo Amadeus should've been the top 3 for his name alone (Rambo Amadeus sounds like the name of Penn Jillette's next kid or the name of the dog mascot of the nerdiest fraternity at the nerdiest classical music school).

The voters obviously don't appreciate a rhyme spitter whose rap skills make Skat Kat seem like the second coming of B.I.G. and who looks like a strung out Chris Gaines. I mean, before last night's performance, Rambo Amadeus obviously spent 8 hours inhaling the shower steam in a rent-by-the-hour motel room's bathroom to try to rid the coke toxins from his body, and he still slayed his competition! Dude even had ZZ Top and a Trace Cyrus Monument on his stage? What more did these voters want? RECOUNT: We need one!

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