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Don't let the 10:01 time clock fool you. It takes Shirley Manson only a couple of minutes (starting at the 0:34 mark) to lay into a dick bag for punching a woman behind him for reasons unknown. While performing "Stupid Girl" at the House of Blues in Atlantic City, Shirley pressed the pause button on that bitch to throw a few fuck words around while verbally slapping the lady-hitting shit wad. Shirley handled it so well that I almost didn't notice that she's wearing one of Tank Girl's outfits. And I know what we're all kind of thinking the same thing: CHRIS BROWN IS A GARBAGE FAN? What a world!

via ONTD

Since Terry Richardson is obviously Tyler Shields' idol, he needs a signature theme, because Terry has a signature theme (yes, cumming on the faces of barely legal models is a theme). Tyler's signature is butchering overpriced luxury items and as those of you who watched the most recent episode of Mrs. Eastwood & Company (alternate title: The "Why Are You Letting This Happen, Clint? WHYYY?!" Show) know, he took pictures of his girlfriend Francesca Eastwood destroying a $100,000 Birkin bag with a chainsaw and fire. Since I can fart into a glove and call it art, Tyler is also calling this art and some bitches just don't understand HIGH ART like this.

After Tyler posted the pictures of Francesca destroying the Birkin bag on his site, bitches sent her death threats on Twitter, because that's reasonable. TMZ posted a few of the dingles of hate that were thrown at Clint's 19-year-old daughter:

-- "Some of us actually have to work and live check 2 check, spoiled rotten bitch to burn 100k bag."
-- "You’re a stupid whore. How fucking dumb can you be."
-- "You should kill urself, ungrateful bitch – wasted money when families can't eat."

This is just a cycle of dumb bitch fuckery and how did it come to this?

How did it come to dumb bitches spending $100,000 on a stupid purse that isn't made of Prince Hot Ginge's pubes and unicorn placenta and signed by Lisa Frank herself?

How did it come to dumb bitches wasting their keystrokes by sending someone death threats on Twitter for butchering a bag that is probably a fake anyway?

How did it come to me knowing that Francesca's stepmother Dina Eastwood took her to shop at Marshall's to teach her that you don't need to spend thousands of dollars on a nice purse, because I actually watched this episode of the tragic piece of boring shit that is Mrs Eastwood & Company?

The last one is the saddest one, I know.

You'd think that Kim Kardashian would be grateful to the airlines for always breaking the "all beasts over 20lbs must fly in cargo" for her family by letting them fly in the first class cabin, but apparently she isn't and has accused British Airways of snatching irreplaceable shit from her checked-in luggage. I guess Kim's duffel bag ass was already overstuffed, because that's usually where she keeps all her most valuable items (examples: a back-up rubber face, the heart of a virgin goat in case her creator Lucifer unexpectedly shows up to ask demand another sacrifice, etc..). After a flight from France, Kim opened up her bag and was so shocked and whoreified to find some of her shit missing that she was Tweeted (via DM) about it. The bitch who has no shame shamed British Airways for allegedly stealing from her:

Very disappointed in British Airways for opening my luggage & taking some special items of mine!Some things are sentimental ¬ replaceable

What happened to the days when you could lock your bags! We need to get back to that. There's no sense of security & no trust!

Shame on you

Buuuuut watching a little Keeping Up With The Kardashians will make me smile! Tune into E tonight at the new time of 9/8c!

Hmmm... I wonder what happened to those days? THIS DUMB BITCH. But leave it to Kim to turn a "woe is me" moment into an opportunity to whore her shit show out. Pimp Mama Kris teaches her hos well.

We shouldn't assume that Kim is just setting shit up for her sex tape with Kanye to eventually leak, because I refuse to believe those two sex on each other. They tried once, but they kept fighting over who gets to be on bottom so they can themselves in the ceiling mirror. I'm guessing that one of the valuable items stolen from Kim's luggage was the perfume necklace full of Ray-J's piss she takes wherever she goes. Kim dabs a little on her body to remember where her fame came from. Bitch is sentimental like that.

File this under: Some All About Eve shit.

Madge will start twerking her muscled prune crotch for the children in her MDNA tour in Tel Aviv this Thursday, and over the weekend someone uploaded rehearsal footage (via HuffPo) of her showing us that some things get better with age, like all-natural cuntiness. Remember when the gays had to take sides (I chose the side marked "Stacey Q FOREVER") after Lady CaCa Xerox copied "Express Yourself" and labeled it "Born This Way"? Well, Madge is keeping the bitchiness going by performing a mash-up (I like to call the Reductive Remix) of "Express Yourself" and "Born This Way" followed by "She's Not Me." If that isn't a subtle chancleta slap to the tuck, I don't know what is. Madge earned a AARP black card for that brilliant cunt stunt move. Do it, Madge! Put that copy + paste bitch in her place and let her know that abuelitas are never EVER the one.

Here's a few pictures of Madge giving us some Granny Got Your Gun moves during rehearsal two days ago.

Some of us are just coming off of a long weekend where we shoveled piles of cake pieces and charbroiled meat patties marinated in beer into the eating holes on our faces until we bloated up like vaporizer bags full of lukewarm farts (special thanks to face eater expert J. Harvey for making it possible for me to do so), so what better way is there to start this Monday (camouflaged as Tuesday) than by looking at pictures of Craig David flexing the six pack on his nipples in Miami over the weekend.

If you feel bad about only picking up 2-liter beer jugs this weekend instead of picking up a barbell like Craig David here, don't! It's true that the Gods above allow humanity to have only a certain number of muscles total, so we're doing Craig David a favor by giving him our shares. I don't have muscles so that Craig David can have more than enough. You're welcome, Craig David!

If you're still trying to figure out who the hell Craig David is, I should tell your ass that he used to be known for singing, but now he's known for being a muscle hoarder.  Craig David is also what your last name would be if you had a three way marriage with Daniel Craig and Larry David. Good to know.

And if torsos like greased up sticks of delicious beef jerky don't do it for you, I also threw in pictures of Gabrielle Union warming her nalgas in Miami yesterday.

Don't worry, one will have many offspring but the other will have zero, so it balances out. - GingeMinge

Runners-up:

Russell Brand's final attempt to win Katy Perry over again - bunny mind control. - sthhwrd

Due to the low budget for "Signs 2," Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix had to be replaced. - Rosemary Young

The Illumaniti's secret photo of Blue Ivy's birth parents. - daisy100

via Break

No, Bruschi the 4-year-old Boston Terrier from Texas doesn't hold the Guinness World Record for the dog with the longest meth addiction, but he does currently hold the record for the dog with the biggest eyeballs. Bruschi's got the Cisco Adler nutsack of eye domes!

Bruschi's owner Victoria didn't think of his "crackhead's eyeballs trying to jump out of its sockets after a 10-day bender on the wrong stuff" seeing globes until her friends started commenting on how it feels like he's NOM NOM NOMing on their souls or like they just told him the most SHOCKING news ever. So Victoria submitted an application, measured Bruschi's eyeballs in at 28 millimeters in diameter and Guinness gave her the news that he's officially the Bulge Eye Dog King!

“I honestly feel like he would be really happy about it. Some people do make fun of him for his looks, but I feel like he would go up to them and say: 'Haha, look where I am now, I've got a record for my looks!’"

Bruschi is a record and he's also a lucky bitch for being in good soul-eating eyes company with STAINS and James Haven! (Eat your fingers if you're throwing "Brian Peppers'" name into that list, because that's just not right.)

via Arbroath

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Duchess Kate and Prince William's tiny little vow exchange in that small church has been knocked down to the second most important royal wedding of this century now that Rojo Caliente and her ginger queen are married! Even though I haven't even seen one picture from the ceremony and they could've gotten married in the break room of a Subaru dealership for all I know, I can still say this it was the most beautiful and greatest wedding of all-time! I was going to pour a little ginger beer in my morning coffee anyway, but now I have a real reason to do so. Cynthia Nixon's rep tells People that after being engaged for 3 years, she can now say the words millions of people wish they could say, Rojo Caliente is her lawfully wedded wife!

"On May 27, 2012, Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend, Christine Marinoni, were legally married in the state of New York. Nixon wore a custom dress by Carolina Herrera."

Cynthia's rep says "On May 27, 2012 Cynthia Nixon and her girlfriend, Rojo Caliente, were legally married" but I say, "On May 27, 2012 the sanctity of marriage got a ginger breath of life!!!!!!"

This is the reason why the sun shines on all of us in NYC today. Not because there's no clouds or anything. But because the humanized form of one its rays, Rojo Caliente, married the woman she loves. Congingerlations to our new reigning ginger gayelle queens and my favorite couple next to vodka and soda. This news calls for a soundtrack!

I'm still trying to get over that story about the Japanese guy serving his guests WAY TOO FUCKING ORGANIC sausage, and now Clarice Starling better get her good handbag and cheap rube shoes to Miami! A police officer shot and killed a naked man who had eaten another man's face off. I don't recall Dorothy and Rose including that bit in their "write a jingle about Miami" contest entry for the tourist board.

The grotesque nightmare began around 2 PM on Saturday when a Miami police officer spotted a nudie cutie dining on another guy's face on a bike path off the MacArthur Causeway. When the officer (who I fucking hope gets next week off) asked Leatherface to stop chowing on the other guy's mug, Leatherface declined and kept right on munching. Well, he got shot and killed.

The victim is said to be alive and in critical condition at Ryder Trauma Center at Jackson Memorial Hospital. Cops are saying that he appears to have been a homeless man, and that "cocaine psychosis" might have been the cause of the perpetrator's nudity and cannibalism.

What are they cutting the cocaine with down in Miami? The goo from Prince of Darkness? He couldn't have been that psycho if he disrobed so he wouldn't get any face bits on his clothing.

And why am I the guy who has to post about people eating each other?!? Oh, who cares. DListed is the balls. Thanks for reading, guys. If you're into naked dudes and...well, mostly naked dudes - come see me over at my day job at Manhunt Daily.