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It's been much too long since I've had my fix of watching totally fake man hookers have totally fake sex with totally fake clients who are really paid soft-core porn actresses, but the dry spell is over! 90s hot piece turned meth-faced crypt keeper turned TV show producer Richard Grieco made my nipples wink by announcing to TV Guide that Showtime's Gigolos is coming back for a third season. If you know nothing about Gigolos, then the only thing you need to know that it's a supposed reality show about Las Vegas man whores who sell their peens to women only. Just like Marky Mark's dick in Boogie Nights, it's fake, but it's glorious!

Richard said that Jimmy, the hooker whore on the far left who wore a dick cage for a client last season, isn't coming back, because he thought he was the star of that mess. Vin Armani, the Dollar Tree version of Vin Diesel next to Jimmy, is also being phased out. Richard also said that some of the peen peddlers will go gay for pay next season. John Travolta, call your agent, girl!

The only thing that matters is that my Brace the Face is back. And since it will be Gigolos' third season, they should really amp shit up by bringing on some star power. The third season needs a simulated fuck scene between Brace the Face and Tan Mom. A match made in burn cream heaven! Speaking of burn cream, they could totally use some as pussy lube.

I've fapped while watching a pork rind and a piece of salmon jerky slowly shrivel into crisps inside of a microwave set to high, so watching Brace the Face and Tan Mom would send me over the edge. Make this happen, Richard Grieco!

That line is the signature pick-up line I've been using for years and it's the same line John Travolta allegedly used on a masseur who is suing him for $2 million for sexually assaulting him. TMZ brings us the story that is probably making Tommy Girl and the other boys in the Scientology men's lounge laugh their thetans off. Let's dissect the whole messy thing together:

According to the lawsuit, Travolta saw the masseur's ad online, and scheduled an appointment for $200 an hour. The masseur did not know it was Travolta when the appointment was booked, but followed instructions and met up with a black Lexus SUV, which Travolta was driving.

According to the suit, Travolta and the masseur, who says he saw Trojan condoms in the center console, drove to the Beverly Hills Hotel and went to Travolta's bungalow.

The sauna at the men's spa must've been closed for maintenance if John Travolta's looking for ass on Craigslist now.

Didn't the masseur know that something seriously shady was up when his "client" asked him to meet on the street somewhere? You're not supposed to let your Craigslist clients drive you to a second location! That has all the makings of a Lifetime movie that doesn't end well. But I do like that John Travolta is letting everyone know that he's a safety girl by leaving his condoms out.

The suit claims Travolta stripped naked, appearing semi-erect. The masseur says he told Travolta to lay down on the table and the first hour went without incident. Then, according to legal docs, Travolta began rubbing the masseur's leg, touched his scrotum and the shaft of his penis.

The masseur claims he told Travolta he did not have sex with his clients, but Travolta was undeterred, offering to do a "reverse massage," adding, "Come on dude, I'll jerk you off!!!"

Speaking of Lifetime, since they renewed The Client List for a second season, they should fire Jennifer Love Hewitt and make John Travolta's handjob dreams come true by giving him her role. John does have the tits for it.

The suit goes on to allege Travolta then masturbated and told the masseur he got to where he was "due to sexual favors he had performed when he was in his 'Welcome Back Kotter' days," adding "Hollywood is controlled by homosexual Jewish men who expect favors in return for sexual activity."

I wonder who John Travolta humped on for his role on Welcome Back Kotter? I'm putting my lube money on Whoreshack.

The masseur -- who is only listed as John Doe -- claims Travolta called him a loser, but then doubled the hourly rate and sent him on his way.

Well, after allegedly molesting the masseur, calling him a "loser" and assaulting his eyes by jacking off in front of him, it was nice of John to pay double.

This whole thing is a mess and not the usual mess John Travolta leaves on the steam shower floor. This reads like the original ending of Dianetics. Everyone knows that John Travola regularly orders deep dick massages from masseurs, so this is easy to believe. It's also easy to believe because Scientology mixed with the pressure to hide your real love  for hard dick turns you into a crazy monster.

There's no way this lawsuit is going to go trial, because John doesn't want all the skeletons he's done butt sex with to come flying out of the closet. So if you see John wearing the same wig twice in one week, you know it's because he had to use some of his yearly wig budget to settle with that masseur. I can't wait to see Kelly Preston's thetans scurry for the exit when a reporter brings this up in an interview. It really is hard out there for a beard.

UPDATE: John Travolta's rep calls it a lie and he plans countersue a bitch, "This lawsuit is a complete fiction and fabrication. None of the events claimed in the suit ever occurred. The plaintiff, who refuses to give their name, knows that the suit is a baseless lie. It is for that reason that the plaintiff hasn't been identified with a name even though it is required to do so. On the date when plaintiff claims John met him, John was not in California and it can be proved that he was on the East Coast."

I don't know who deserves the award more here? The Photoshop artiste for those turtle shell abs or that model for trying to look like she really wants to get close to the bullet in Tommy Girl's pants. - Towleroad

Speaking of the magic of Photoshop, Tara Reid's stomach doesn't totally look like Tan Mom's face in Loaded Magazine - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

If Wheelchair Jimmy and Ty Ty mated, their baby would look like Frankie from Shark Tale - Lainey Gossip

Jessica Snooze-ar's nipples look like they're trying to challenge me to a staring contest - Hollywood Tuna

Miley Cyrus takes Jessica Snooze-ar's hard nipples and raises her a pointy titty - The Superficial

We as a people need to stop trying to make Rachel Berry as Mary Tyler Moore happen - The Berry

The 50 Shades of Crap movie is going to offend all of my senses, but if it gives me a gingerized ASkars, I'll take it! - Celebitchy

How can Jessica Biel breathe through her nose when her collagen-stuffed upper lip is practically suffocating her nostrils? - Popoholic

Somebody get Tom Sturridge an 80s plastic ponytail cone so he can wear an updo with style - Popsugar

All I see are TEEEEEEEEEEFS and weaves - ICYDK

If SNL held the rehearsal in a strip club or a toke room, RiRi's ass would've shown up with time to spare - IDLYITW

Presenting Jared Padalecki's happy trail - Just Jared

Did we ever have any doubt that Tameka Raymond will HULK SMASH a trick? - Crunk + Disorderly

The True Blood teaser starring Christopher Meloni needs more nalgas - OMG Blog

It's good to know that tequila is kryptonite to MiserAlba's signature bitch frown - Celebslam

This is also every child's reaction to Courtney Stodden - Videogum

Walter White has something to say - The Daily What

No Adam Levine tattoo tour is complete without an up close shot of the portrait tattoo of Blake Shelton on his taint - Cityrag

The Louisiana trailer park blossom decorates Brentwood with her grace and beauty - Hollywood Rag

Sideeyefromsuri.gif - I'm Not Obsessed

TLC's My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding is not only an instructional TV show on how to achieve high levels of glamour by weighing yourself down with 10 tons of rhinestones and chiffon, but it also provides you with poetic commentary. On last night's episode, 14-year-old gypsy Priscilla did herself up like a go-go dancer at an Alice in Wonderland-themed rave or like a Toddlers & Tiaras child beauty queen on Valentine's Day to go to her first party where she hoped to find herself a gypsy husband. I was all ready to write a 2 paragraph long description of Priscilla's huntin' husband outfit, but I don't need to because her mother puts it better than I could ever could:

"The purity of the hearts and the pink, it brings out the pureness of Priscilla's soul inside and out."

Call off the search, because the reincarnation of William Blake has been found.

The smoke monster needs to come and get his bitch, because Matthew Fox is still a dumb drunk of a mess.

In "dude really needs to go back to the island" news, Matthew Fox was arrested near his home in Bend, Oregon on Friday morning for driving under the influence of the sweet nectar. TMZ says that Matthew and a passenger were on their way to fill their drunk bodies with some delicious grease at a fast food place when the police pulled him over. Matthew was taken in at around 3:23 in the morning and released a few hours later. There are no other details about his arrest.

The only detail I need to know is whether or not Matthew Fox had that pepaw goat beard on his face at the time of his arrest, because that mess is obviously the root of all his problems. I understand being ten shades of drunk and craving a mound of deep fried lard. We've all been there. But is a cheeseburger really worth the risk of crashing into another car or getting arrested? I had to think about that for a few seconds, but the answer is NO! Order a pizza, bitch, or get one of your kids to ride their Big Wheel down to the McDonald's for you. Matthew needs to go down into the hatch and stay there until he is capable of making good life choices. Take Amanda Bynes' dumb ass with you.

On a positive note, at least he didn't commit vagina abuse this time.

Watching Michael Bay's Pain And Gain is probably going to be like watching a neon-colored pile of shit blow up over and over again, but it has brought us two wonderful things: the return of Camp Beverly Hills glamour and certified asshole Marky Mark running around in his chonies everywhere.

Marky Mark was back on his balcony in Miami yesterday and he gave the paps a clear view of the funky bunch in his panties. Marky Mark is built like a genetically modified teacup bulldog who's just coming off of an addiction HGH, so who knew he had it like that in the dick department?

On another note, why is my junior high school friend's cholo cousin Lefty hanging out with Marky Mark and how did his right arm grow back? Yes, they called him Lefty, because a rival gang shot his right arm off in a drive by. Further proof that cholas should be in charge of naming EVERYTHING.

The worst day of the week just got a whole lot worse. Meow, the 39-pound cat, who captured the hearts of America and taught The Silver Fox how to love pussy, is now up in heaven where diets do not exist and the all-you-can-eat tuna buffet is always open. Meow was put to sleep over the weekend because his heart and lungs just wouldn't let him be great. Meow was only 2 years old. Mary Martin, the director of animal shelter in Santa Fe, NM where Meow was living announced the sad news on Facebook this morning:

Dear Friends,

I am devastated to share with you that the respiratory distress that Meow was experiencing last week (the reason we did not do his weigh-in) took his life at 4:30 p.m. on Saturday, May 5. The Shelter staff - along with all those who met Meow during his short time with us – mourn his passing. As many of you are aware, Meow began wheezing last Thursday in his foster home, Dr. Jen began trying to sort out the problem, at first considering the possibility of asthma associated with his weight. She started treatment immediately to ease his breathing and, when Meow didn’t improve, she sought additional help for him from our emergency specialty hospital and an additional private veterinary hospital. Although four different veterinarians worked with Meow, we were unable to stop the progression of what turned out to be pulmonary failure. Meow had been doing so well in his foster home; walking up stairs and seeking affection - that it is so very hard to believe he is gone. We will forever be grateful for the attention Meow’s size brought to pet obesity and to animal shelters across the country. We are especially grateful to all of you who fell in love with this charming cat - as we did – and were so very interested in his progress and success.

With gratitude, Mary Martin

Meow became famous two weeks ago when his elderly owner turned him into the shelter so they could help him lose the chunk. Meow was put on a diet, lost a couple of pounds and was slowly starting to become mobile again.

Farewell, Meow. You brought joy to many and really brought joy to me by falling back into Mah Boo's loving arms.

Now let's honor Meow by pouring a can of Fancy Feast (flavor: lasagna) into our mouth holes.

via People

On Saturday night in NYC, Lindsay Lohan squeezed herself through the window of the bathroom in Phillipe restaurant, texted the paparazzi with her exact coordinates, crawled on the floor through the dining room while snatching tips off of tables, got up and then walked out the front door right behind Woody Allen so it looks like they just had dinner together. And that's how a shameless, fame-eating attention whore does it!

No, TMZ says that Woody and his grown child bride Soon-Yi had dinner with LiLo, because they've been friends for years and he stood by her ass while most hos hated on her for being the messy tornado of coke she is. LiLo isn't on PedoBear's radar and Soon-Yi isn't her mother, so we don't have to worry about her and Woody replacing Kim and Kanye as the stroll's most vomit-inducing couple. So you can Magic Erase that image in your head of a dehydrated turtle nibbling on a freckled syphilis sore. But some source (born name: Donata Sullivan) says that LiLo and Woody have been talking about possibly working together in the future. That sentence right there is the only evidence Woody Allen's doctor needs to officially diagnose him as fucking senile. But then again, I would like to see a cracked out version of Play It Again, Sam called Play It Again, SamRo.

Apparently, Rufus Wainwright has told this story for years, but this is the first time I've heard it and it's never too late to hear one of the reasons for why Bea Arthur will forever be our Patron Saint of Bitchiness. During a time in Rufus' life when he was trapped in a black cloud of loneliness, the only thing that gave him life was watching episodes of The Golden Girls. Just like every good gay, Rufus considers Rue, Estelle, Bea and Betty his four apostles. So many years later, Rufus saw Bea at a party and had to thank her for being a friend. Sometimes when you meet one of your idols, you walk away with the taste of disappointment in your mouth, but that didn't happen to Rufus. Rufus walked away with the feeling of knowing what it's like to be slapped down by a GOD! This is how Rufus' moment with Bea went:

Rufus: "I'm sorry to bother you, and I'm sure you hear this all the time, but I was going through a rough patch and Golden Girls brought me so much entertainment and comfort. It really helped me get through the bad spell.You're so wonderful. You made me feel like you're my grandmother."

Bea: *gently leans into his ear* "I'm not your fucking grandmother." *throws scarf over shoulder, arches back and exits stage left*

Getting bitched out by Bea Arthur is like Jesus himself putting his hand on your forehead to rebuke the evil spirits out of you. How Rufus survived that is beyond me. If Bea Arthur put the word "motherfucker" in my ear, I would've called the tombstone store and told them to etch "Bitch Died Happy" into my peen-shaped headstone before falling on the floor to die. You've unlocked every achievement and won the game of life when Bea Arthur curses you out.

While Drew went public with her struggles with substances, ET maintained a low profile hooked on the roids. Another child star statistic. - Nona78

Runners-up:

I would normally spit out the gristle and throw it way, but if you wanna dress yours up, that's OK. - OurMissC

Being out of work, Lamar decides to shop nude pics of Khloe around to prospective mags. - Coffy73

Madge decided that making Lourdes help her change out of her dresses during her concert tour is punishment enough for catching her smoking. - salacious

Note: This picture in all its glory is after the jump, because I'm assuming two stale ass loaves are not safe for lunch. But if they are, grab the butter and get it!