Before Steve Jones of Entertainment Tonight interviewed prolific philosopher and the new face of Sharper Image (???) Megan Fox, he was told to only talk to her about the exciting world of useless electronics you get the dad you're not really close to for Father's Day and to keep personal questions out of his mouth. But since Steve Jones is a real hardcore rebel and like the James Dean of entertainment journalism, he asked Megan about the rumor that she's got the spawn of David Silver leasing her womb. Steve's transition from talking about Bluetooth headsets to talking about babies is about as smooth as a wet fart on sandpaper. Megan tells him to bring it, but her publicist is not fucking around and cuts it short.
Maybe Megan's ass isn't ready to announce that shit or she's waiting to get a 5-figure check from Life & Style for the EXCLUSIVO announcement or whatever. But Steve's dumb ass shouldn't be asking her about that when there are more important questions to ask like what does Megan Fox have to do with Sharper Image. I mean, just like some of Sharper Image's products, Megan requires 4 AAA batteries, is mostly made of man-made material and gets clean with Windex wipes, but that's the only thing they have in common.
From Tan Mom to OctoMom. I'm really blinding you with the stars today.
Because desperate times call for fucking yourself on camera for a check, OctoMom rubbed her way into masturbation porn at a mansion in the San Fernando Valley on Thursday. TMZ was told that Octo's first time putting some finger love on her octocoochie went well and if she had the urge to start bawling so she could scrub herself clean with her own tears, she at least waited in the car to do it like a true professional does! Octo apparently had a case of the nerves when she first got there, but after talking with a few porn stars and watching some fuck time movies, she was all ready to get down. Someone who was on set said that she was "a natural and looked great."
I'm happy that Octo's getting paid, but damn that is going to be some awkward shit. This is the same crazy ho who went "ewwwww" at Howard Stern when he asked her if she's ever had a little peen on her tongue. Octo claims she's never had an orgasm and hasn't been tickled down there for at least a decade. So the camera is going to catch the sexy moment of her flicking the webs away with her fingers. Just every layer of NO. Bitch is not going to know what to do. It's going to be like watching me try to make a fish pie without a recipe. Don't get me wrong, I'm still going to watch it, but only because my face muscles need some exercise and they'll get a lot since I'll be cringing the entire time.
The truth is, if I wanted to watch someone NOT have a good time during sex stuff, I would've made sex tapes with my past boyfriends. Seriously, one time I looked up at one of my boyfriends and caught him checking his cuticles. Instead of going "oooh aaaaah" on the inside, dude was like, "Should I get a manicure?"
I know. Whores, including this whore, need to stop trying to make Tan Mom happen, but I promise this will be the last post about her (I'm lying). After this, the next time we'll talk about her is when we're all drunk in a booth at Waffle House at 3am and the waitress brings a plate of sausage patties and one of us goes, "It's Tan Mom!" That'll be the next time, but in the meantime above is a clip from TMZ of the minstrel show version of Fire Marshall Bill burning up the poof on Snoopy's head by cursing her out. No, Woodstock does not have to sharpen his beak to defend his main bitch, Tan Mom meant "Snooki" instead of "Snoopy." Being drunk on UV rays charred her brains and put the slur on her tongue a bit. TMZ told Tan Mom that Snooki called her "a crazy bitch" and the mother of the year who looks like a Raisinet after you suck all the chocolate off of it had this to say:
"She's the biggest asshole in the world. She's fake, she's fat, her tits are fake, she's disgusting. And when this is all said and done, I'd like to meet up with 'Snoopy.'"
Oh, Tan Mom, you crazy sun dried fig-looking bitch. Snooki is fat, because she's knocked up. As much as I'd like to see Tan Mom and Snooki fight it out in a tan-off to the death, I'd much rather see Tan Mom meet up with SNOOPY. This calls for a live action version of Charlie Brown and the Great Pumpkin starring Tan Mom as the Great Pumpkin!
And here's the frame broiled pride of New Jersey spreading a little sunshine yesterday.
In case you couldn't already tell from the scent of margarita mix-scented foolery in the air, today is the day some Americans honor sn old timey Mexican battle we've never heard of by guzzling down the nectar of Jose Cuervo while drunkenly posing in plastic sombreros for pictures we'll eventually post to our Instagram accounts.
You know, I was going to make Doña Chonita mole sauce Hot Slut of the Day, because it sort of reminds me of how my abuelita used to call me a "chinito" even though I'm half Japanese (abeulitas don't do "petty details). But I felt it's only right to pay homage to the most authentic brand of refried beans (next to Mexicali Rose's Instant Refried Beans in a bag, of course): ROSARITA REFRIED BEANS! May all of you swallow dozens of cans of Rosarita beans and later barf 'em all out on your plastic sombrero. Happy Santo Patricio Day!
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