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Lindsay Lohan will start shooting Liz & Dick (aka I Can't With That Title) next month in L.A. and while she has the blessing of Lifetime obviously, Elizabeth Taylor's friends and family aren't endorsing that shit. The chances of White Oprah eating something other than gin and Adderall stew for dinner are greater than Elizabeth Taylor's sons blessing LiLo by giving her their mother's good luck earrings before sprinkling her forehead with White Diamonds. That's what Pulitzer nominee The National Enquirer (via Celebitchy) says anyway. Their inside source says that Lifetime should've reached for the stars instead of reaching into the gutter in front of Chateau Marmont:

“Liz’s sons, Michael and Chris Wilding, feel there are many other actresses who are far more qualified to play their famous mother. They think gorgeous and talented stars such as Cate Blanchett or Emily Blunt should have been short-listed for the role. Liz’s children feel their mom deserved better! Liz was not only a great movie star, but a great philanthropist, and it’s a slap in the face to her memory to have this errant party girl play her. She’d be screaming bloody murder over this whole fiasco!”

There's more similarities between my asshole and a monarch butterfly than there are between Lindsay Lohan and Elizabeth Taylor, but the more I think about this the more it works for me. Yes, LiLo's old ass is more suited to play Grandma Anthony in Lifetime's Casey Anthony movie starring the male Meredith Baxter, Rob Lowe, but her as Liz has all the makings of a beautiful mess. It's going to be like watching a freckled train slowly crash into a stack of cue cards. The Razzies are going to open up a special basic cable category for this mess. And sometimes you have to ask yourself, "Will Joel McHale throw hate on this on The Soup?" If the answer is yes, then it's the right thing. When all else fails, think of Joel McHale.

(Picture via Planet Hiltron)

Which popular talk-show host has never cared for Jennifer Aniston and isn’t afraid to say she’s on “Team Angelina”? The chatty star won’t go public with her views because the former “Friends” beauty has been a re­turning guest on her show, but she was very vocal behind the scenes when Jen’s BFF Chelsea Handler slammed Angelina Jolie as a home wrecker! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

I wish this was about Chelsea Handler and she's really an undercover mole working for Maddox, but that's not possible. Chelsea and Jennifer Aniston are practically related since both of them have nothing but vodka flowing through their veins. And vodka is thicker than EVERYTHING.

This could be about Ellen Degeneres, because studies show that 9 out of 10 lesbians love Angelina Jolie. But I'm going to guess this is Kelly Ripa, because skinny ass bitches stick together and this Friday could really use a picture of belly peen.

This A list actress recently told friends that she is not living her dreams. Her dream job is to be a truck-stop waitress and she’s sad she’ll never be able to do it. She says she loves the idea of having a job of serving food and just making people happy, and living a life of simplicity and anonymity. (BuzzFoto)

I asked Siri this and she automatically ordered me some tomato soup, so I'll go with Zooey Deschanel?

It was not that too long ago that this comic actor from a network sketch comedy show was probably one of the top two or three cast members of the show and was starring in movies and fielding offers constantly. Now, he is barely remembered except in some best of collections and is a constant subject of whatever happened to? Well, what happened to him was some very bad choices when it came to his life. There was the awkward marriage to a no name actress where he tried to convince himself and everyone that he is straight. He still struggles with this and as a way of dealing with his personal demons started abusing drugs on a regular basis. Much of his fortune went for drugs for his wife and him and his friends. His wife who he split with is HIV+. She swears she got it from our comic actor but she has never pursued it and he has never submitted to a test. She is and was an avid drug user so it could just as easily be that she got it from dirty needles. Over the past few years our actor has taken loans from his old castmates and got jobs here and there including a minor recurring part on a middling show but it does not support his drug habit. He has several men and women he sees for sex and they pay him and keep him around because they are star struck. When he really makes the effort he can turn on the smile and laugh and make people remember what they found likable about him in the first place and what should have kept him as a star. (CDAN)

Selling ass for drug money? Who ever it is needs to call up Vh1, because they have at least 3 reality shows in their stable he can star in.

Courtney Love's "art" or something a mental patient scribbled on a padded wall using all sorts of different kinds of body fluids? That's a trick question. - The Superficial

I'm disappointed that Colin Farrell's "pajamas" aren't a silk short robe and a black mesh banana hammock - Lainey Gossip

31 flavors of man nip - The Berry

File under: hos doing Katy Perry better than Katy Perry does Katy Perry - The Chive

Beyonce's Goldmember wig found a new home - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Since I am not bringing you some late-breaking CNN-worthy pictures of Miley Cyrus walking to her car in leggings, here's an equally important replacement: Ashley Greene walking to her car in leggings - Hollywood Tuna

Bethenny Frankel and The Situation humping on each other probably looks a scene straight out of an Alien vs. Predator porn parody - Celebitchy

Finally, a gay hankie code orientation video - Towleroad

Megan Fox is the new face of Sharper Image because her face is made of what most of Sharper Image's products are made of - Popoholic

Sucio Bitch Got Sued: The KFed Edition - ICYDK

RDJ shows off his new Iron Baby - Just Jared

REJOICE! Drunk Lily Allen is back! - I'm Not Obsessed

The Lesbeaver got Flowbeed - Cityrag

The hell kind of ludes is that child on and can I get a prescription for them? - Hollywood Rag

Four words I didn't think my fingers were capable of typing: Mischa Barton looks pretty - SOW

Remind me to stick my brown suede shoes in the garbage disposal - Popsugar

Nope, still won't wear The Gap - OMG Blog

Ted Nugent is not normally the kind of trick I post about, but I wouldn't be able to get drunk and fall into a temporary coma tonight without telling you how your wet parts can win a one-on-one date with his lips. If you follow that boring political shit, then you already know that the Secret Service have pried themselves off of Colombian call girl coochie to investigate Ted for saying that he's going to be dead or in jail if Obama gets re-elected. While defending his own ass during an interview with CBS, Ted went on a serious fuck-filled rant and ended it by threatening CBS reporter Jeff Glor with a good time:

"I'm an extremely loving and passionate man, and people who investigate me honestly, without the baggage of political correctness, ascertain the conclusion that I'm a damned nice guy...and if you can find a screening process more powerful than that, I'll suck your dick. Or I'll fuck you, how's that sound?"

So now you know that all you have to do is find a screening process more powerful than THAT and Ted will gladly tickle your crotch huevos with the goat pubes on his chin. You're welcome!

via E! News

With the deaths of MCA, Falling Bear and Bucket List Baby this week (in other words, fuck this week hard in the taint), you might need a temporary pick-up, so here's a gallery of pictures featuring adorable dog friends and the ravishing beauties who love them.

Because your dog deserves to scoot its itchy ass in luxury while you're away, The Pooch Hotel (not to be confused with Charlie Sheen's Cooch Hotel a few blocks down) opened its doors in Hollywood last night with a party full of sparkling A-list jewels including Phoebe Price, Rip Taylor, a dead Yorkie on Rip's head, Joan Van Ark, Kate Linder and the newest edition to the wall of beauty in front of my bed (so I go to sleep at night knowing the world is not totally an ugly place): BARBARA VAN ORDEN!

Everything you need to know about Barbara Van Orden you can learn by putting on a pair of silk gloves before clicking on the pair of diamonds (seriously) on her website. It's the most luxurious thing you'll see today unless you somehow peeked into my apartment window this morning and watched me slow dance with my dog to Natalie Cole's "Unforgettable" CD.

Well, this one's going to hurt like a piece of your childhood is getting ripped away. Adam "MCA" Yauch, one of the founding members of the Beastie Boys along with Mike D and Ad Rock, passed away away this morning at the age of 47. Global Grind reported the sad news and TMZ confirms that it's true.

In 2009, Adam told Beastie Boys fans in a video message that the group pressed the pause button their tour and new album, because doctors found a cancerous tumor left parotid gland and he needed to undergo treatment. Adam had surgery to remove the tumor and went through radiation treatment. Earlier this year, Adam said that the rumor going around that he was cancer free was not true. The Beastie Boys were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame not too long, but Adam wasn't able to be there.

Adam is survived by his wife Dechen Wangdu and their 13-year-old daughter Tenzin Losel Yauc.

Rest in peace, MCA.

While Linda Evangelista is trying to get $46k a month in child support to take care of a son she has full custody of, Gabriel Aubry is showing her up by trying to get $20k a month in child support to take care of a daughter who doesn't live with him all the time. Gabriel also wants Halle to write a $500,000 check to his lawyers. And the race for Miss Gold Digger Beauty of 2012 heats up!

Gabriel has been trying to get at least $20k a month in child support since March and he was in court yesterday to make it happen. TMZ says that the judge wouldn't rule on it yesterday, because the lawyers Gabriel owes $500,000 to didn't file the paperwork right. Apparently, Gabriel was making a beautiful sad face over this, because without Halle's money Nahla will have to sleep in an egg crate stuffed in a laundry basket when she comes to visit and he'll have to feed her creamed pickle soup he makes from tap water, Coffee-mate packs and relish packets he steels from Weinerschnitzel.

Gabriel told the court that he wants more child support from Halle so he can rent a nicer house and provide Nahla with the kind of life she's accustomed to (read: a fancy one).

Everything I need to say about this I already said in March (Yes, I'm still pissed about losing my butt cherry to a janky mattress), but I'm posting it now, because I hope the #getmoneybitch goddess hears my prayer and puts Linda and Gabriel together. Gabriel and Linda are too beautiful to work full time and they both need to sleep on panda pubes sheets in order to raise their children. They belong together. Let us pray:

For about a year now, my idol Linda Evangelista has been trying to get $46,000 a month in child support from Salma Hayek's billionaire husband Francois-Henri Pinault, because she believes her 5-year-old son Augie needs his own armed guards and a 24-hour nanny. Franny Hen (Can I call him that?), who just made hundreds of thousands of dollars in the time it took you to read that last sentence, doesn't think it takes over half a million dollars a year to raise a kid. Franny Hen's lawyers told the court that Linda is going to use most of that money on herself. Um. Today's DUH is brought to you by that statement. Of course Linda is going to dip into that money to pay for beauty treatments, but only because supervising a $16k-a-month security guard and a $7k-a-month nanny is hard on the face. We all know that Linda once said she won't get out of bed for less than $10,000 a day. Well, she won't get out of bed to supervise a nanny for less than $1,500 a day. Franny Hen is kind of getting a deal.

Linda, Franny Hen and their lawyers were all back in a Manhattan courtroom yesterday to continue to scrap over Augie's child support. The Patron Saint of #getmoneybitch testified that after Franny found out she was knocked up with his kid, he tried to persuade her to have an abortion. Franny's lawyer later told USA Today that those words never came out of his client's mouth. Franny testified that Linda didn't include him in her decision to have Augie, but he told her that he would "recognize the child." Linda's lawyer told the court that she's supported Augie most of his life on her $1.8 million-a-year income, but she took a major financial hit last year when her contract with L'Oreal was not renewed. Linda's lawyers also let it be known that his daughter with Salma Hayek has a $12 million Los Angeles home in a trust just for her.

Franny's family is worth around $13 billion and his lawyers argued that Linda is just trying to "piggyback the lifestyle of Mr. Pinault."

Until Mr. Pinault agrees to pay me $46k a month in support (Let me know if you need my PayPal info, Franny!), I will be Team #getmoneybitch now and forever. His defense is that he didn't get a choice in whether or not Linda should keep their child and he doesn't think she needs $50k a month to take care of Augie. Franny should've thought about that before he humped on Linda bareback-style. Franny is also a dumb bitch for asking Linda to have an abortion. That is a classic case of wasting your breath. If I was knocked up with a billionaire's baby, I'd totally be like, "Oh yes, I'm totally going to get rid of a baby that is going to get me $50,000 a month in child support so I can hire a nanny to take care of him all the time while I'm off getting gold nuggets body wraps!"

But seriously, just like Salma Hayek's daughter, Augie deserves his own security guard, a full-time nanny and a mommy whose skin is twinkling something magical from her weekly diamond dust facials. Mr. Pinault needs to kiss Linda's freshly scrubbed ass.

Let's just pretend like our eyeballs aren't seeing Shemar Moore wearing your mom's favorite weekend pants and focus on what's really important here: HIS MAN NIPS! While working it in a vintage Aéropostale belt from 2001 and sneakers he wore like clogs, Shemar (formerly best known for being on Young and the Restless and currently best known for making my hand pores secrete lube) gave the paps a nipple show on Miami Beach yesterday. TGIF (Thank God Ican Fap)!

And it goes without typing, but I'd hit it until that lion tattoo had enough of my gross ass and came to life to bite at me.

Tired of all the bad press, Tan Mom goes in disguise. - Anonymoussss

Runners-up:

This is how the tissue feels when you twist it into a tip and stick it up your nose. - Orangina

Bobby Brown is not responsible for the downfall of Marcel the Shell either. - saltydog88

So it's true that every time a Kardashian has sex with a black guy, a fairy loses its wings. - gina latina

via WOW Report