Health warning signs have gone up all up and down the Jersey Shore, which could mean only one thing: the taint warts of MTV (and that's saying a lot) are back and have started shooting their mess of a show today. If you're in the Jersey Shore area, don't forget to get caught up on all your shots and to slather liquid penicillin with SPF all over your body. It's that season again!
Even though Snooki's got a guidoling in her malt liquor-soaked womb, she's still part of the cast and showed up looking six shades of FUG. It looks like a leopard swallowed a mash-up of every Cher era before wet farting it out all on Snooki. I want to say that bitch looks like Tattoo from Fantasy Island in drag as a Mötley Crüe groupie, but that would be offensive to the memory of Tattoo and to Mötley Crüe groupies.
And I'm pretty sure Snooki's carrying her pickle spawn in her chichis.
Avengers Assemble (or whatever they say in that shit)! The Avengers should bring a few extra shields (and a few whipped cream-less sundaes) this time, because I bet they didn't know that Loki can shoot whipped cream from her tits!
Heather Bormann, the party bus driver who accused Matthew Fox of one two punching her in the poon and titty area mysteriously withdrew her case against him back in April. And we're hearing about it just a few days after Dominic Monaghan became the baddest Hobbit in the Shire for blatantly saying that Matthew Fox regularly whoops on women. Hmmmm... Interesting, right? If we were all on the Lost island and this moment was directed by J.J. Abrams, we'd all open our eyes really big and then the music would swell and shit before the screen goes black. Then that Bad Robot bitch would pop up while some dude says some shit like, "Later on Jimmy Kimmel, Jessica Alba..." Yes, it's THAT suspicious.
Entertainment Weekly says that Heather's lawyer pulled the case in April, because she didn't pay his bill and didn't give him all of the information he needed to move forward. TMZ says that Heather can't file the lawsuit again and her lawyer claims that Matthew Fox didn't pay her off. Heather's lawyer also tells TMZ that she was a pain in his taint and that's why he dropped her. He believes that Heather stopped cooperating, because Matthew Fox's team of lawyers threatened to go all out in their war against her.
Ho, please. Matthew Fox obviously kept Heather's lips shut by sealing them with a check. Or....maybe Heather didn't want to barf up the terrifying memories of a drunk Jack from Lost upper cutting her in the cooch. Nobody wants to relive that shit. It sucks that this mess isn't going to trial, because I was really hoping that all the hos from Lost would be called as character witnesses. It'd be like a Lost reunion!
Charlize Theron is wearing a dress that looks like a peen sheath made from the night sky. In other words, I'm into it - ICYDK
Lainey's take on the Zhang Ziyi prostitution whore scandal has turned my #getmoneybitch reaction into a #sneakoutofthereandtakeyourwholefamilywithoubitch reaction - Lainey Gossip
Sofia Vergara knows that a true Latina style icon always matches her lipstick to her purse - Hollywood Tuna
One Million Moms needs to eat one million dicks - Towleroad
UPDATE: Afrojack and Wonky McValtrex are still bumping herp sores - Celebitchy
The City of Los Angeles should just pass a law making it illegal for amphibians to be naked in public, because when Courtney Stodden finally turns 18 in iguana years she's just going to be all naked all the time - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Since Spring Breakers basically looks like an episode of Cops, I really hope there's a cameo by Stephanie Yellowhair - IDLYITW
I'm mad that Bruce Jenner didn't wear his bikini too - The Superficial
Emma Watson looks like a miniature Posh and Posh already looks like a miniature Posh - The Berry
Leave Mila Kunis' tiny extra chunk aloooooone - Popoholic
Translation: Laura Weisberger needs a check - OMG Blog
It's Thor's baby! - Popsugar
Something you didn't ask for: James Franco on Girls - Just Jared
Sadly, we'll never get that "Eh-Oh lalalalala gay!" cover of People Magazine with the Teletubbies on it - Videogum
Ed Harris keeps his pistol next to his other pistol - SOW
A better question would be, who does RiRi not want to see naked? - Hollywood Rag
My bitchy ass chihuahua would be on this list if he knew how to make a smile - Cityrag
Katie Holmes should just legally change her name to The Fuck Are You Wearing Katie - I'm Not Obsessed
Some people are running from this video to the holy water eye wash since this is some alien hatching shit to them, but not me. After reading about zombies nom nom nom-ing on faces, the Canadian Jeffrey Dahmer, the intestines-throwing crazy and Bloomberg's attack on 50-gallon tubs of delicious soda, this is cute by comparison. Even the hand reaching out like he's trying to grab your soul is cute to me. This is the week for Khloe & Lamar to purposefully leak their sex tape, because nothing fazes or grosses me out anymore.
Honey Boo Boo Chile, the go-go juice-guzzling breakout star of Toddlers & Tiaras, is getting her very own reality show produced by the same Lucifers of minions who put her on TLC (The Traumatizing Little Children Channel). TLC announced that Alana's spin-off show called "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" will follow Ritalin's arch rival as she spazzes out at Princess Leia who has broken into the family palace to strangle her coupon queen mother with a chain. Deadline has more details about this soon-to-be hillbilly mess of a show:
The series, titled Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, is described by the network as “an inside look into Alana’s world where the 6-year-old pageant sensation proves that she is more than just a Go-Go Juice-drinking beauty queen. When she’s not chasing after crowns, Alana’s with her family in rural Georgia doing what her family does best: four-wheeling through mud pits and picking up road kill for the family cookout.” TLC has ordered six half-hour episodes to premiere in August.
The tragic part is that I'll probably watch every episode while drinking PURPLE DRANK (go-go juice is too classy for me) from a Big Gulp cup. Yes, I am the problem. TLC should just title this show, Brit Brit: The Early Years. TLC should also go ahead and green light a show for the 2022-2023 season called Dr. Drew Presents Tarnished Tiaras & Therapy starring Honey Boo Boo Chile and every other damaged child beauty queen from T&T.
Just like Alicia Silverstone and Dr. Blossom, Alanis Morrissette is raising her 17-month-old son, Ever, the attachment parenting way and talked to Good Morning America (click here to see that shit) about it. It seems like it was just yesterday when Alanis was singing about going down on a dude in a theater and now she's going on about how she's okay with titty feeding her son during first grade recess.
Because of that Time magazine cover that won't ever go away, GMA asked Alanis about attachment parenting and she says that she knows it's not for everyone. Alanis' job allows her to bring son everywhere she goes. The only time they're apart is when she's on stage. They sleep together, eat together and go everywhere together. Ever will stop going mimi times when Alanis when he's ready to stop. Ever will retire his mouth from Alanis' nipple when he's ready to do so. When Alanis was asked if she's going to let Ever suck a meal out of her nip slit when he's six, she nodded yes.
"I'll stop whenever he wants. Some kids naturally stop at two, some stop at a couple of years later, its up to ever child. I will stop when he says it's time to stop."
I get that Alanis wants to be with Ever as much as possible and it works for her and her titty is there for him as long he wants it. I get all of that. But what I don't get is when does Alanis get mommy breakdown time? Does she take Ever into the bathroom with her, put him on the floor and let him watch as she gets into an empty tub fully clothed and downs a bottle of prosecco while drunkenly crying about how all she wants to do is spend one night getting boozed up in a bar without a baby attached to her titty? Because that could be awkward.
Above is a video of hundreds of Norwegian girls sounding like a flock of seagulls fighting over a piece of rotten lutefisk (yes, that's a metaphor for all of this) while chasing after a van carrying The Lesbeaver. The blonde tornado of insanity started when it was announced that Justin Bieber would give a free four-song concert outside of the Oslo Opera House last night. Thousands of girls jumped out of their panties and ran through the streets trampling everything and anything in their way. It was the running of the Biebers and those crazies didn't care who they took out. Oslo's mayor Fabian Stang was quoted as saying that it was the most embarrassing Hunger Games his city has ever hosted. May the odds ever Bieb in your favor.
TMZ says that shit got so crazy that the police almost declared a state of emergency in Oslo. Mayor Fabian Stang even had to hide behind a tree so he wouldn't get trampled on. When all was screamed and done, 49 teen girls were injured including 14 who had to be taken to the hospital by ambulance. The mayor said none of the girls were seriously injured, but he's still investigating that mess:
"I have already called on the Emergency Planning Agency to examine the entire event from the planning stage to its implementation. We have to find out what went wrong and why it happened."
Um. Mayor Stang doesn't need to put together a task force to find out what happened yesterday. The debilitating mental illness that is Bieber Fever caused this. There's no preventing it and there's no stopping it. Can you imagine having to go down to the hospital because your teen daughter twisted her ankle while jumping over a police barricade to get to The Lesbeaver? Talk about a family's shame. That's worse than getting knocked up by your 12th grade English teacher.
Now let's all laugh at these stupid girls as we stroke the scar we got from elbowing a trick in the mouth to get to the front of the line at Sam Goody to buy New Kids tickets. Remember when you had to buy concert tickets at the damn music store?
And here's Le Lesbeaver arriving in Paris after terrorizing Norway.
To quote the wise philosopher Bonnie Brindle: "No-nuh-nuh-no-no-nooooooooo!"
A huge gaping, gash is scraped into the heart of humanity when useless pieces of throwaway trash like the Kardashians poot out hundred dollar bills on the regular and one of our cherished child stars who temporarily kept us out of trouble by entertaining us through the TV screen is laying his head on a cardboard pillow at night. Former Hot Slut of the Day Jerry Supiran, who played shifty schemer Jamie Lawson on Small Wonder, tells The National Enquirer (via NY Post) that he's broke, unemployed and homeless. Can't Obama sign an 80s child star bailout and help a bitch out? Damn.
Jerry says that all of his Small Wonder money is gone and it isn't because that ginger vixen Harriet Brindle seduced him out of his fortune and used the money to open up a hair ribbon store in Amsterdam with her lesbian lover. 39-year-old Jerry says that when he was 18, he fell in love with a gold digging stripper and she stole a lot of his money. Then one of his financial advisers snatched $500,000 and left him without a quarter in his pocket. Jerry worked as a waiter in a steakhouse in Henderson, NV for 15 years, but lost his job 2 years and hasn't been able to land another one. Jerry moved up to Central California, where his brother lives, and splits his time between his brother's house, a homeless shelter and his pied-à-terre under the bridge. How dreadful.
“When I was 18, I dated a stripper and she took what was left of my trust fund — then one of my advisers stole a half-million dollars from me. I’ve worked at different steakhouses for the last 15 years. But two years ago, I was laid off from a restaurant in Henderson, Nev., due to the economy. I haven’t been able to find a job since.
I had to move back to central California where my brother lives with his family. And while he helps me with hot meals and a shower, he doesn’t have the room for me to stay there. So I either sleep at the homeless shelter I volunteer at, or under a local bridge.”
I don't know why Jerry's brother won't let him sleep in the garage, a shed in the backyard or the bathtub. There might be a bigger story there. I don't know. But I do know that the producers of Dancing with the Has-Beens, The Choice, Celebrity Apprentice and every show on Vh1 need to send a contract via carrier pigeon to Jerry's place under the bridge, because this is not right. The Post asked Vicki the Robot about this and she didn't say much, which disappoints me. The Lawsons let Vicki live in their armoire for 4 seasons and that battery-powered bitch can't do the same thing for Jamie Lawson? I hope Vicki's joints rust up as punishment for that cold move against Jamie.
Now if you'll excuse me I have to start a Kickstarter for a reboot of Small Wonder starring Jerry as Jamie, Rojo Caliente as Harriet and Suri Cruise as Vicki.
It's been nearly a year since failed gold digger Crystal Harris left Hugh Hefner waiting in his Hoveround at the altar, sold her engagement ring for $90k and told Howard Stern that riding Hef's tequila worm dick made her pussy vomit and not in a good way. For the past few months, Crystal has been lying on an air mattress in her studio apartment waiting for the calls from Dial-A-Skank to come in (they never did) and while she waited she thought about the glory whory days when she'd pull a number out of the red ticket dispenser in Hef's chambers and patiently wait for her turn to sit on his face. Crystal misses the scent of Fixodent wafting off of her chocha and she wants to get back to that. So Crystal begged Hef to take her back and since he doesn't remember who the hell she is, he opened his front door to her! A source tells Radar that Hef is Crystal's Stevia Daddy (Hef's doctor told him to cut back on the sugar) again.
"Crystal begged Hef to let her come back. He surprisingly doesn't have any hard feelings against her, so he let her move back into the Mansion. Shera Berchard, Hef's #1 girlfriend, moved out as soon as Crystal moved back in. Hef and Crystal are really happy back together."
I know I've called Crystal a gold digger a million times before, but ho is more of a fame digger than a gold digger. You'd have to be the dimmest gold digger alive to get with Hef. Hef doesn't let his hos leave the mansion, gives them the worst allowance ever and probably notices when his ho steals one of his prized confederate coins to secretly pawn it off while they're out buying red velvet diaper covers for his Depends. It really is like living with your pepaw. CORRECTION: It's worse than living with your pepaw. At least your pepaw doesn't make you spoon feed him Viagra pudding before hopping up and down on his peen while reading the astrology section from an old copy of Reader's Digest. Crystal is obviously trying to get on another cover of Playboy or maybe she's just really into rubbing her coochie against Hef's stoma sores. Sucia bitch.