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I was going to put this up earlier, but I guess there were too many dreamers trying to get catch their dreams, because the site broke into a million little pixelated dust pieces. But it's back, so now you can cancel your Thursday night plans of crying at the bottom of a lukewarm shower while hugging a teddy bear you made with a bunch of shower puffs (Yes, I'm projecting). Some genius who has more talent than all of the Mass Effect 3 designers combined created a Perfect Strangers video game that has already made the internet flood with tears of happiness. Just enter in your dream and try to get Balki to hump on as many stars as possible to make it come true. I haven't yet achieved my dream of getting married to Prince Hot Ginge under an altar of dildos with CoCo's camel toe serving as officiant, but I've got all night to do it.

The mastermind behind this brilliant work of EVERYTHING can have my first born (if Child Protective Services doesn't take it first) if they make a Small Wonder video game next. Or a Kimmy Gibler video game.

(Thanks, Jen!) 

The Difficult Brown debuts his new gold painted butt plug, which he's obviously wearing in the picture above - IDLYITW

Linda Evangelista is still heading the East Coast chapter of the #getmoneybitch movement - Lainey Gossip

Sookeh wants you to know the shocking news that bi-sexuality really doest exist in real life and is not the unicorn of sexual orientation - Towleroad

ScarJo got a star on the Hollywood Walk of People Who Paid $30,000 To Get This Useless Shit - Celebitchy

LeAnn Rimes' plastic titty sacks' slow migration to her armpits is going as scheduled - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

It looks like that Jenelle Evans skank also got a silicone belly bump implant or she's knocked up again and we're all screwed - The Superficial

Kate Upton models her nature made arm and hand bra - Hollywood Tuna

Emma Watson just needs a Venti Frapp, an Ed Hardy trucker hat and a bag from Kitson, and her 2005 L.A. skank look will be complete! - Popoholic

Just like her sanity, Courtney Love has lost her rights to Kurt Cobain's image - ICYDK

Not sure what it says about me (SPOILER ALERT: That I'm trash), but I'd totally get tattoo #1 inked on my taint - The Berry

Poor puppy is looking at Miley Cyrus and probably thinking she's going to chew on him with those huge ass teefs of hers - Cityrag

Brad Pitt and his hair twin go to Legoland - Popsugar

Olivia Wilde's burgundy lipstick is very "seasoned chola going to an oldies festival" - SOW

Why hello there, Lance Bass' hot piece - Just Jared

Methinks there's an extra "n" in the name of Brangie's new London mansion - I'm Not Obsessed

What Steven Spielberg meant is that he thought LiLo was E.T. in drag - Videogum

By now your mom might've already sent you this video with a note like, "OMG! SO FUNNY! SO CUTE! I LIKE THE INTERNETS!" Or whatever. But it wasn't not funny (© Tami Roman) and it wasn't not cute. How would you look like it if you were trapped in a glass box and somebody dangled a delicious donut on the other side? That's like Jessica Simpson's recurring nightmare. You'd press your tongue against the glass too. Everyone's standing around and laughing, because it's sooo hilarious that the lioness is mistaking that baby for a strangely formed panda or a weird looking zebra foal. That baby is no better than all the people laughing around him. Baby is a tease and he should be ashamed of himself! And now....I want a black and white donut.

via The Daily What

Never mind that Tan Mom could use the shade and then some, Snooki has gone against the barbecued ghost of her future and has called Patricia Krentcil, who my friend said looks like Mr. Hankey's long lost mother, "crazy" for turning her skin into burnt crème brûlée and for allegedly letting her 5-year-old tan. The deep fried dingle plucked directly from the sun became a media sensation after she was arrested and charged with felony child abuse for allegedly putting her daughter in a tanning booth. Snooki should be slow clapping for Tan Mom since she's having an incubator turned into a baby tanning bed for her guidoling, but nope! Snooki has turned against one of her own by saying this to Extra:

“That bitch is crazy… you are not supposed to take kids there. Everyone knows you are NOT supposed to take kids there.”

I refuse to believe that the vodka and jacuzzi water lake in Snooki's almost empty head is capable of producing a reasonable thought, so obviously she just said this because she's jealous of Tan Mom. Snooki could lock herself in a tanning bed tomb for weeks on and she'd never come out looking like creamed beef jerky slathered on a scorched hot dog.

And I'm beginning to think that Tan Mom's foundation is made by Minwax, because TMZ talked to her yesterday and she didn't look like a leather sofa cushion with eyes.

Maybe the frosted pink lipstick dims her skin tone?

Which blonde bombshell celebrity is obsessed with Mitt Romney? Although she has never identified her political beliefs publicly (that we’re aware of), she apparently is in love with the candidate and told friends that if he becomes president, she someday plans on becoming his “Marilyn Monroe.” (BuzzFoto)

Well, when I think of the modern day Marilyn Monroe, I automatically think of Courtney Stodden. (File that under: One of the many reasons why I should stop thinking.) I look forward to the day when a patriotic tear trickles down my cheek as I watch Courtney Stodden coo out the Happy Birthday song to the president on a TV in the but (typo and it stays) station where I'm waiting to take a one way ride to Canada.

I also want this to be colonic-obsessed Fishsticks Paltrow, but only because I really want to see her carry a sign that reads: WILL SHITT FOR MITT!

Which potential reality show judge is terrified that the truth about her physical and mental health will cost her a job offer? The show’s producers don’t know that the young star has actually been in and out of rehab three times this year (and it’s four times if you count one interrupted stay where her team pulled her out of one facility and moved her to another). She has a serious cocaine and alcohol addiction and severe emotional issues and is still a fragile mess.

But it’s all about the money. Although she already has enough money to live on for the rest of her life, there’s a multi-million dollar payday at stake here. Her team – who have always cared more about the star’s bank account than her health – will do anything they have to do to prop her up and present her as a sober, mature professional and a good role model for young girls in order to get the gig. (Blind Gossip)

Demi Lovato, obviously. But don't worry, that's why Our Lady of Cheetos is there. Brit Brit will totally make Demi look lucid by comparison.

These two male artists – who are both solo stars – recently collaborated on the lyrics to a song that has not yet been released. The lyrics include a reference to a television star (not an actress) with whom the First Musician had a hot one-night stand. The song will be rapped/sung by the Second Musician, who hasn’t had sex with her. Yet. He is hoping that by mentioning her name in the song, she will be flattered enough to let him have a little taste as well. Even though she is married, we would bet good money that the Second Musician will get what he wants. (Blind Gossip)

Wheelchair Jimmy, Giada De Laurentiis and 2 Chainz. Exhibit: A

Fox is showing NBC that they aren't the only ones who can use NASA-created high-powered technology to make chairs turn the other way like your office chair when a Kardashian pops up on your computer screen. Fox can do that too and they'll do it in their new dating show which is like what would plop on the sheets if The Voice and The Dating Game had really messy butt sex.

Fox's The Choice is just like The Voice, but instead instead of the four "celebrities" looking for singing voices, they'll be looking for possible genitals to hump on. The four celebrities will be put in swivel chairs with their backs against the stage and a bunch of "sexy singles" describe themselves. If the piece's descriptions makes the celebrity's ears tingle, he or she will pull a "love handle" (I can't with that either) and find themselves face-to-face with their possible date. If more than one celebrity turns around, the trick will get to pick who they want to get with. Once each celebrity has three possible dates on their team, all teams will move to the "Speed Choice" round. In the second round, each contestant will have a few seconds to tell the celebrity why they should be picked. At the end of that round, each celebrity will get rid of one ho. In the final round, the show's host Cat Deeley will ask each trick a question and afterward the celebrity will pick which trick they want to go on a date with. And that's how true love is born!

Fox hasn't released the names of the celebrities that will be on this mess, but I'm sure it will be filled with twinkling bright stars of the A-list universe. Keeping that in mind, I've come up with my own wish list:

White Oprah
STAINS
Maxwell Drew Johnson
The cock king of Hancock Park Norwood Young
Chicken Cutlets (Phoebe Price or an actual plate of chicken cutlets, I'm not picky)
Ceiling Eyes' mom
Claudette Wells
That tap dancing politician who got caught trying to look for hard dick in the bathroom
Carrot Top
Tupac Hologram
Not The Baby from Dinosaurs
Stephanie Yellowhair
Martika
Gerardo
Sheree from The Real Brokewives of Neverland
Darva Conger

And last, but not least the Asian Snooki from MTV's PG-13 rated version of Bang Bus that was NEXT!

via Entertainment Weekly

I've never noticed this before, but Brandi Glanville could totally do Eddie Cibrian in his butt hole dimples with her cheeks. That's a sign of true compatibility. Oh, well.

Anyway, thanks to such classic lines as "At least I don't do crystal meth in the bathroom all night, bitch," Brandi Glanville was promoted from part-time foolery maker to full-time foolery make on the next season of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills which is shooting right now. Brandi replaced Camille Grammer, because the producers felt the silicone dragon flower got boring and they knew Brandi will bring the dramatic bitch theatrics. But Brandi has been demoted back down to the second string after her ex-piece Eddie Cibrian refused to let their kids be a part of the show. I see you, Eddie, trying to screw with Brandi's money.

A source tells Radar that Brandi was surprised by Eddie shaking his head to no that shit, because their boys have been on camera briefly before (see: that episode where Brandi's son became a human piss sprinkler on Adrienne's lawn). The source also said, “Bravo wanted her to have her kids on the show in order to expand story lines. But Leann and Eddie wouldn't allow it. Brandi didn’t expect that LeAnn and Eddie would have objections since the kids have been on the show before, but they did. Eddie said they did not want the children on camera on a regular basis. So Bravo said that Brandi would have to stay ‘friend' and not become an official ‘housewife.’"

First of all, what does LeAnn have to do with this? It's not like LeAnn is threatening to hoof Eddie in his home breaking dick rod if he doesn't keep Brandi down (it's totally like that). Second of all, kids should be banned from every Real Housewives show, because they ruin that shit. I can barely sit through an episode of The Real Trashwives of New Jersey, because Gorilla Head is always whoring out her screaming, tutu-wearing spoiled snowflakes. I don't want to see them trying to be models and I really don't want to see them sing songs they wrote. Keep that shit on TLC where it belongs. Some hos purposefully don't have kids to avoid scenes like that. Most of the time, when a child starts singing, that's my cue to exit. One time I was on a subway platform and some kid and his father started singing songs for coins. I almost took the wrong train going ANYWHERE to get away from that ear-curling sound. Now I know why my mom asked if there was an open bar every time I invited her to one of my school recitals.

What I'm trying to say is that wings must have sprouted from Eddie's back, because obviously pigs can fly since he's actually making good decisions.

Since SamRo has an album of off-key dog howls to sell, she's gotta get back out on the ho stroll to work it hard and that's where her former partner in pussy Lindsay Lohan comes in. It's been two years since SamRo and LiLo scissored the fleas off of each other, but just like a raggedy, beat down moth to a flamecrotch, they can't stay away from one another. While SamRo was in NYC promoting her album, she reunited with LiLo and apparently picked at the crusty, stank, oozing scab called "their love." A witness type told X17Online (via DM) that the lesbian Amy & Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaake were touching on each other at a club called Le Baron on Tuesday night. This is what X17's source said about the tenth (or twelfth, or twentieth.. I lost count) coming of ManSay (or whatever their stupid couple name was):

"Lindsay and Sam were whispering and laughing and they left the club holding hands. They didn't care who saw them, and they definitely seem to be back on. It was just like the old days -- they couldn't get enough of each other!"

CORRECTION: It doesn't sound it was totally like the old days. In the old days, the night would've ended with a boozed and coked up Blohan throwing herself on the hood of SamRo's car after breaking several glasses in the bar because she thought she saw SamRo making clit flicking eyes at some cocktail waitress. But if X17 is telling the truth, I'm sure we'll hear about acts of romance like that in the next few days.

And since the 2008 tomb is wide open and all the ghosts are coming out, can we please get a visit from La Pequeña?! I've put her face on every leche carton. Instead of looking at some boring ass pictures of LiLo's lips trying to jump off of her face (see below), let's relive the panty creaming brilliance of La Pequeña.

Lady CaCa wishes she could bring it like that!

Angelina stuck her bare leg out one too many times in front of adoring loonies. - Rocket

Runners-up:

Lindsay finally found a qualified team of specialists to strip the years of dirt, hair color, and weave glue from her follicles. - perky

It takes a village ..... to straighten out Ray J's boomerang dick. - citizenstrange

The tsunami that was Jessica Simpson's amniotic fluid finally reached the shores of Hawaii. - empiregirl

(Thanks, Lea!)

If it's morning time for you and you haven't yet drugged up your senses with your upper of choice, go ahead and cut a hole on top of your head and pour it directly in before witnesses the talents of Takeo Ischi, a Japanese born yodelermeister. Today, the definition of the WTF is Takeo burping out an auto-tuned chicken yodel while dancing around in lederhosen. No, you're not high enough to completely process this shit:

The hills are HIGH with the sound of this.

But seriously, if RiRi and Taylor Swift can make millions of dollars from making music that sounds like a robot farm animal getting strangled, why can't Takeo Ischi? You know you're witnessing something special when even the chickens are making faces like, "Cluck this shit!" 

via Arbroath