When I first read that in Lee Daniels' newest cinematic mess The Paperboy, Nicole Kidman squats a piss out on Zac Efron's chest after he gets stung by a jellyfish, I said that the Academy needs to engrave "Nicole Kidman's Piss Stream" on a statue right now. Because that golden shower deserves the gold! Well, crazy ass Michelle Rodriguez saw The Paperboy at Cannes and she disagrees with my ass. MRod told Vulture that Nicole isn't going to win an Oscar for taking a #1 on Zac's lip gloss-covered nipples, because she's not black.
"I fucking loved it. One of my friends said, 'She’s going to get nominated for an Oscar for that.' I was like, 'Nah, man. She’s not black!' I laugh, but it’s also very sad. It makes me want to cry. But I really believe. You have to be trashy and black to get nominated. You can’t just be trashy."
The hell? Nicole Kidman won an Oscar and it wasn't for playing a character that wasn't black or trashy. Viola Davis and Octavia Spencer were both nominated this year and their characters weren't trashy. I think MRod is saying that in Lee Daniels' Precious, Mo'Nique played trash and won an Oscar for it. So if you want to be nominated for an Oscar for acting in a Lee Daniels movie, you better hope your character is black and trashy. I don't know! Reading a quote from Michelle Rodriguez is like trying to have a conversation with a heat-stricken surfer on peyote while you're high on meth. I'm not on the right kind of drug to fully understand what that crazy bitch is saying.
And now I have the image of Mo'Nique pissing on Zac Efron. Oh, MRod, the things you do to my brain.
For the past year or so, Matthew Fox has quickly shown his true colors as a bona fide cunt menace to humanity by having a one-sided boxing match with a party bus driver's poon, among other things. And now his old co-worker from Lost, Dominic Monaghan, has fully called him out on Twitter for being a full-time resident of WhoopinAssville. Not even a part-time resident. A full-time resident who files taxes there and everything. It all started when Dom had a little Q&A on Twitter and one of his followers, @omggbeccaa, asked him to "holla" at Matthew Fox to get a Twitter. If Dom had a filter, he spit it out and cared not one fuck when he answered with this:
@omggbeccaa he beats women. No thanks.
@omggbeccaa must've thought Dom was talking about the party bus beat down, because she told him she knows it was wrong, but what about all those good times they had together. Dom continued to spill enough tea to keep Celestial Seasonings in business forever:
@omggbeccaa how do you know we ever did?you don't know either of us.he beats women.not isolated incidents.often.not interested.
When others told Dom that he better sit on his fingers before Matthew Fox stops slapping women to use his hands to slap Dom with a lawsuit, the hobbit didn't back down:
@Fate815 @omggbeccaa an accusation is when you"claim" someone did something wrong.i know.but hey little fan girl maybe want to get slapped
@Fate815 @omggbeccaa around by him? Daddy issues? Blinded by the nice haircut? It's never okay. Maybe you have lower standards.
@Fate815 @omggbeccaa and it's very difficult to sue someone for speaking the truth. Have you received an education dear?
Dominic hasn't had a case of Twitterer's remorse and hasn't taken a Magic Erase to all his claims, because his Tweets are still up. Every now and again the celebrity world surprises my ass and this is one of those times, because I can't believe a celebrity has Tweeted his mind without caring about staying neutral and shit. If I could, I'd get on my knees and blow on air kiss right into Dom's face for that. I kind of believe this too. I knew Matthew had asshole running through his veins when he punched a party bus driver's tits. It's called a party bus! Not a punch-a-titty bus. And put your MetroCard away, Chris Brown, no such bus exists.
Becks brought his nipples out for Elle UK and the only thing I have to say about this is, WHERE ARE HIS EYES?! - Celebitchy
Jake Gyllenhaal is a pair of leather chaps away from giving us Castro leather daddy chic - Lainey Gossip
Jason Biggs wife is a 19-year-old frat boy trapped in a woman's body - SOW
And in this "human cauliflower" edition of Bullett Magazine..... - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Nicole Scherzinger's left chichi plays a quick game of peek-a-titty - Hollywood Tuna
Where can I get myself a Silver Fox walking stick? - Towleroad
What in Betsy Ross hell kind of American flag dress is that? - The Superficial
This set of pictures of Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez would be so much more entertaining if the pictures of her attacking the paps' throats with her fangs were included - Popoholic
This conversation between Kristen Stewart and Charlize Theron is sponsored by three bowls and a bong - ICYDK
There's something not right about beaver babies yodeling on about death - Just Jared
Katy Perry SANS FARDS - The Berry
Brooke on a bike - IDLYITW
At every bachelorette party I've been to, usually the bride is not the one popping ass for the guests, but I guess Meagan Good does things differently - Crunk + Disorderly
Harpo, who dis woman and don't try to tell me it's Angela from My-So-Called Life - Cityrag
Something tells me Phoebe Price is hiding under that dress - Popsugar
Eminem is making an album with Slaughterhouse - Hollywood Rag
But where are the pictures of Camilla trying to eat her own hat? - Popsugar
So, I used to have this boyfriend who liked to call me "kitten" ("Does anybody know where I can find a vampire to glamour that thought from the storage unit in my brain?" - you) as a joke and one time I was playing my voicemails on speakerphone in the break room of my job. Just as my boyfriend said "Hi kitten, it's me," my supervisor strolls in and says something like, "I know you're not a 4-year-old white girl and I know that's not your father. That voicemail is completely inappropriate and nobody other than you needs to hear that. Shit, I don't even know if you need to hear it." She had a point. That's sort of how I feel about this video message one of Brit Brit's owners, Jason Trawick, uploaded for the whole world to see.
It's supposed to be sweet, but to me it looks like a cross between a death bed goodbye video and a hostage situation video. Either dude got into Brit Brit's pill stash or he's bleeding from the butt and slowly falling into a coma while recording this mess. Even his tongue sounds drugged up. I mean, that lisp....
Here's the First Ladies of the Ginger Gayelles posing for their official wedding portrait, which I'm hoping they gave to People in exchange for a generous donation to the Save The Gingers Foundation. For the most important royal wedding in history, Cynthia Nixon wore a custom made pale green Carolina Herrera dress and Rojo Caliente wore a custom made suit from Men's Warehouse and a tie from Friar Tux's Lucky Bitch collection. They chose green as their wedding color to remind us all that Cynthia's the second luckiest human alive for getting to curl up into Rojo's piping hot arms at night and Rojo is the first luckiest human alive for getting to be Rojo Caliente!
This beautiful portrait is really what you find in the bottom of a pot at the end of the rainbow. A glossy copy of this stunning portrait is the prize you get when you turn a four leaf clover into your local lottery office. The next time I go to a Home Depot, I better see this picture in stained glass on all their front windows. It's that magical and that holy. I think I just had an SM (spiritual movement)!
Don't let the 10:01 time clock fool you. It takes Shirley Manson only a couple of minutes (starting at the 0:34 mark) to lay into a dick bag for punching a woman behind him for reasons unknown. While performing "Stupid Girl" at the House of Blues in Atlantic City, Shirley pressed the pause button on that bitch to throw a few fuck words around while verbally slapping the lady-hitting shit wad. Shirley handled it so well that I almost didn't notice that she's wearing one of Tank Girl's outfits. And I know what we're all kind of thinking the same thing: CHRIS BROWN IS A GARBAGE FAN? What a world!
Since Terry Richardson is obviously Tyler Shields' idol, he needs a signature theme, because Terry has a signature theme (yes, cumming on the faces of barely legal models is a theme). Tyler's signature is butchering overpriced luxury items and as those of you who watched the most recent episode of Mrs. Eastwood & Company (alternate title: The "Why Are You Letting This Happen, Clint? WHYYY?!" Show) know, he took pictures of his girlfriend Francesca Eastwood destroying a $100,000 Birkin bag with a chainsaw and fire. Since I can fart into a glove and call it art, Tyler is also calling this art and some bitches just don't understand HIGH ART like this.
After Tyler posted the pictures of Francesca destroying the Birkin bag on his site, bitches sent her death threats on Twitter, because that's reasonable. TMZ posted a few of the dingles of hate that were thrown at Clint's 19-year-old daughter:
-- "Some of us actually have to work and live check 2 check, spoiled rotten bitch to burn 100k bag."
-- "You’re a stupid whore. How fucking dumb can you be."
-- "You should kill urself, ungrateful bitch – wasted money when families can't eat."
This is just a cycle of dumb bitch fuckery and how did it come to this?
How did it come to dumb bitches spending $100,000 on a stupid purse that isn't made of Prince Hot Ginge's pubes and unicorn placenta and signed by Lisa Frank herself?
How did it come to dumb bitches wasting their keystrokes by sending someone death threats on Twitter for butchering a bag that is probably a fake anyway?
How did it come to me knowing that Francesca's stepmother Dina Eastwood took her to shop at Marshall's to teach her that you don't need to spend thousands of dollars on a nice purse, because I actually watched this episode of the tragic piece of boring shit that is Mrs Eastwood & Company?
The last one is the saddest one, I know.
You'd think that Kim Kardashian would be grateful to the airlines for always breaking the "all beasts over 20lbs must fly in cargo" for her family by letting them fly in the first class cabin, but apparently she isn't and has accused British Airways of snatching irreplaceable shit from her checked-in luggage. I guess Kim's duffel bag ass was already overstuffed, because that's usually where she keeps all her most valuable items (examples: a back-up rubber face, the heart of a virgin goat in case her creator Lucifer unexpectedly shows up to ask demand another sacrifice, etc..). After a flight from France, Kim opened up her bag and was so shocked and whoreified to find some of her shit missing that she was Tweeted (via DM) about it. The bitch who has no shame shamed British Airways for allegedly stealing from her:
Very disappointed in British Airways for opening my luggage & taking some special items of mine!Some things are sentimental ¬ replaceable
What happened to the days when you could lock your bags! We need to get back to that. There's no sense of security & no trust!
Shame on you
Buuuuut watching a little Keeping Up With The Kardashians will make me smile! Tune into E tonight at the new time of 9/8c!
Hmmm... I wonder what happened to those days? THIS DUMB BITCH. But leave it to Kim to turn a "woe is me" moment into an opportunity to whore her shit show out. Pimp Mama Kris teaches her hos well.
We shouldn't assume that Kim is just setting shit up for her sex tape with Kanye to eventually leak, because I refuse to believe those two sex on each other. They tried once, but they kept fighting over who gets to be on bottom so they can themselves in the ceiling mirror. I'm guessing that one of the valuable items stolen from Kim's luggage was the perfume necklace full of Ray-J's piss she takes wherever she goes. Kim dabs a little on her body to remember where her fame came from. Bitch is sentimental like that.
File this under: Some All About Eve shit.
Madge will start twerking her muscled prune crotch for the children in her MDNA tour in Tel Aviv this Thursday, and over the weekend someone uploaded rehearsal footage (via HuffPo) of her showing us that some things get better with age, like all-natural cuntiness. Remember when the gays had to take sides (I chose the side marked "Stacey Q FOREVER") after Lady CaCa Xerox copied "Express Yourself" and labeled it "Born This Way"? Well, Madge is keeping the bitchiness going by performing a mash-up (I like to call the Reductive Remix) of "Express Yourself" and "Born This Way" followed by "She's Not Me." If that isn't a subtle chancleta slap to the tuck, I don't know what is. Madge earned a AARP black card for that brilliant cunt stunt move. Do it, Madge! Put that copy + paste bitch in her place and let her know that abuelitas are never EVER the one.
Here's a few pictures of Madge giving us some Granny Got Your Gun moves during rehearsal two days ago.
Some of us are just coming off of a long weekend where we shoveled piles of cake pieces and charbroiled meat patties marinated in beer into the eating holes on our faces until we bloated up like vaporizer bags full of lukewarm farts (special thanks to face eater expert J. Harvey for making it possible for me to do so), so what better way is there to start this Monday (camouflaged as Tuesday) than by looking at pictures of Craig David flexing the six pack on his nipples in Miami over the weekend.
If you feel bad about only picking up 2-liter beer jugs this weekend instead of picking up a barbell like Craig David here, don't! It's true that the Gods above allow humanity to have only a certain number of muscles total, so we're doing Craig David a favor by giving him our shares. I don't have muscles so that Craig David can have more than enough. You're welcome, Craig David!
If you're still trying to figure out who the hell Craig David is, I should tell your ass that he used to be known for singing, but now he's known for being a muscle hoarder. Craig David is also what your last name would be if you had a three way marriage with Daniel Craig and Larry David. Good to know.
And if torsos like greased up sticks of delicious beef jerky don't do it for you, I also threw in pictures of Gabrielle Union warming her nalgas in Miami yesterday.