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Lindsay Lohan's crazy hammerhead of a father says that the absolute embodiment of Liz Taylor (if Liz Taylor had looked anything like a cokey scarecrow disguised as a sheepdog) was beaned out on pills during her SNL appearance in March. Join me now in a boisterous "and?". In an "exclusive" interview with Celebrity VIP Lounge, the tree-jumpin' and pussy-kickin' Michael Lohan says that Lindsay was on prescription drugs that she "doesn't need" while playing a Disney princess and....I stopped watching after that. Sometimes Kristen Wiig can't even keep me watching that mess. And now she's gone. They're fucked.

The reason why we have Father's Day says:

“I have to say this…on SNL, Lindsay was not using any illicit drugs or drinking but she still is on prescription drugs that they gave her. And the meds that they give her are meds that they say she needs, but she doesn’t need them. But they kind of make her flat. She’s not acting at a full potential. It’s like the screen is down over her.”

I didn't know if you knew this or not, but the Lohan family has more talent in it than just Lindsay (*chortle*) and Nana Lohan's frosted bundt cake with sprinkles recipe. Dina Lohan was a Rockette, Ali Lohan turned her progeria into a "modeling career", and Lee Strasberg is teaching the remedial acting class for extras in a car dealership commercial compared to Michael Lohan.

Witness:

"And now when she did Glee I said, ‘Linds, get off the damn medication and let people see who you really are.’ And for a couple days before Glee, she went off this stuff. And there were tears in my eyes when I watched Glee. THAT was Lindsay. Yeah that was her acting. That is Lindsay Lohan at The Parent Trap, Freaky Friday and Mean Girls potential. That is what she was.”

The tears were from the possibility that she might have made a couple chickens that he can siphon off her high ass. Look, if Lindsay Lohan had detoxed before filming Glee, TMZ would have bloody footage of her Trainspotting ass trying to eat Lea Michele's nose. Michael Lohan needs a job. And creating a website called "VIP Celebrity Lounge" isn't it! Can that bus make a return trip?

I kid, I kid! Despite having a website devoted to her which lists how many children have died due to lack of vaccinations, I know she didn't mean to lead people astray. She claims to have cured her son, and blames his autism on vaccines. The problem is that the famed medical expert (whose qualifications include having been the former "flirtatious boob shaker" on MTV's Singled Out) then wrote a book about it to share her wisdom. And then she went on Oprah. Oh dear. Cuz' no one was ever influenced by Oprah's show. Shit, I'm shocked this bitch didn't accidentally bring polio back to us.

And now she goes and gets with HOT PIECE OF CAVEMAN ASS CHICAGO CUB BRIAN URLACHER? Strike two, ho. Urlacher is one of my many dream husbands. Michael K. has Mah Boo, I have any dude in the "linebacker ass" category (you thought MK was slutty...). E! sez the two have been spotted out and about in Chicago, and her person confirmed they're dating.

"I'm outta fucks, here. Why is this a post?" Oh, it's not a post! It's a fucking warning! I've been gathering my resolve and the next time the Pats play the Cubs at Gilette, I'm storming the field and planting my face directly in Brian's sweaty ass. They're gonna need a Taser (or one of those Dunkin' Donuts limited time only Men In Black 3 star donuts with the brownie-batter filling) to draw me out!. And if I have to snatch at Jenny's cheap ass as I fly by, SO BE IT.

It won't last. Once Jenny finds out that his three kids from previous relationships have been vaccinated, she'll bounce. Those children have been tainted by life-saving science! Gross.

Correction: He actually plays for the Chicago Bears. That's football. Cubs is baseball. Look, sports isn't exactly my thing. I knew there was jockstraps involved and some sort of ursine animal. Shut up. I'd change it but then the comments pointing out what a fuck-up I am wouldn't make any sense. *sigh*

The always effervescent Kristen Stewart has three facial expression modes for the world - "Sullen," "Sneering," and "Stoned." Last night at the Cannes premiere of boyfriend Robert Pattinson's Cosmopolis, it was the first two on the menu. You'd be sullen, too, if you borrowed Jessie J.'s stylist and the wacky queen chose a dress that made your titty buds look like they're fighting over who gets the B cup status tonight. And that nipple! It's almost there! Just let it be great, K. Stew!

After much deliberation, I've determined there could be three possible reasons for why Kristen Stewart is so stank-looking all the time:

1. She thinks she might have something on her teeth. You know people get OCD about something in particular? A former co-worker was always asking people to check "her grille" for stray food particles and her nostrils to make sure there were no "bats in the cave". Or, all the finger-sucking has fucked with her teeth and she's hiding them.

2. She thinks that all of this publicity is silly, and just wants people to let her practice her craft. Bella just wants to achieve true artistry! The problem is that she hasn't given a good performance since playing Jodie Foster's transgender daughter in Panic Room. The artistry ain't coming!

3. She's a cunt.

It could be #3. Seriously, if being rich and famous is such a burden, step aside. I'll take over. J. Harvey can play an ineffectual girl in the woods in love with sparklepires. I'll squeeze my moobs into that dress. Shit, I'll make Christina Hendricks feel deficient.

This luxurious bachelor of opulence who will sweep you off your feet with a gold broom and cover your with his mink-lined arms. He is so sumptuousness that he's like human Viennetta! Not much is known about your future husband, but Glasstire (via Buzzfeed) says these gold-plated pictures starring him have been making the rounds in Eastern European blogs for years and have finally swept onto the shores of American blogs in a gilded swan. They come with this (very loosely translated) note:

“To all unmarried ones who would like to spend their life by my side and within all the beauties of my home. Please look below at all the magic of my home that I have decorated with taste, perhaps just for YOU. Don Milisav Juan Gonzales Brzi, Contact: +33-#########″

Did you just feel a tingle? Get up out of your chair and you should find the miniature gold Fabergé egg decorated with beluga sturgeon sperm that your b-hole pushed out after reading that decadent note.

Your new husband could be some Serbian mobster or a Celine Dion's Russian interior decorate, but then again he could be the butler fronting for his Craigslist Moscow dating ad. It doesn't matter, though. It takes a certain king penguin-faced man to pull off dressing like a male Alexis Carrington while posing next to an heirloom passed down from the Grand Prospect Hall Dynasty, and your husband pulls it off. That's the only thing that matters.

Melania Trump is probably kicking herself in the taint for marrying simple, homely Donald Trump instead of this master of decadence. Excuse me, master of plastic-wrapped decadence.

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