After an international casting search (a couple of days of auditions in a casting trailer on a lot somewhere in Culver City) that stretched several continents (the casting agents ordered Chinese for lunch one day, so that counts, right?) and saw dozens of A-list actors (A as in anydudewhoagreestoworkwiththatmess), Lindsay Lohan's finally got her Dick. Deadline Hollywood says that Kiwi actor Grant Bowler has been cast as Richard Burton and will start filming Lifetime's soon-to-be-mess Liz & Dick in only 10 days. The press release about Grant's casting from executive producer Larry A. Thompson is a hilarious and ridiculous string of words and I swear I could practically taste the bad shit particles floating off of each letter, because he was definitely high on some shit when he dictated this to his administrative assistant:
“Grant will add gravitas to our couple and bring to life one of the greatest actors who has ever lived. Burton was a Welsh poet, a rascal, and a man’s man, who swept Elizabeth Taylor off her feet and flew her so close to the sun that they both exploded into stardust that still lights up Hollywood.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope the entire script is like that, because that is shit wrapped in gold double wrapped in shit again. "He flew her so close to the sun...." Is that how they're going to explain why the skin of LiLo's Liz looks like Panda Express orange chicken that was left under a heat lamp too long. Damn, this is going to be good.
Grant was in Ugly Betty (as Wilhelmina's piece), True Blood (as Cooter), GCB, Atlas Shrugged and he he hosts Australia's Amazing Race. And soon he'll be known as the grown man who is running nekkid ass nekkid down the 405 while pulling his hair out, because trying to work with that freckled mess put the crazies in him. Oh, and Grant better hold a spray bottle full of self tan remover at all times, because White Oprah is so going to try wrap her legs around his head and bitch is allergic to that shit.
It's been a quick millisecond since the X-Factor started filming in Austin, TX and STUNT QUEEN extraordinaire Simon Cowell is already pulling out the tricks. TMZ says that Brit Brit played the quit this bitch card by leaving the judge's table, because she was upset that a contestant on stage slowly murdered her "Hold It Against Me." Yeah, I didn't know it was humanly possible for a ho to make that song sound any worse than it really does. Brit Brit is the only bitch allowed to butcher her songs! So she stormed backstage right after she asked her conservators and three local judges for permission to do so. But she still did it! The perfect commercial break cliffhanger! Will Brit Brit come back? Is she backstage shaving her weave off with one hand while umbrella-ing a production assistant in the dick with the other? Will the audience's bulging and shocked eyeballs ever retreat into their sockets? Will Simon Cowell ever stop deviously patting his hairy chest muffins while cackling over how much attention this mess is getting.
TMZ says that a few contestants auditioned before Brit Brit finally came back to her seat. Some people on Twitter say that it wasn't even that much of a Norma Desmond moment and Brit Brit just took a quick break from judging. They said she eventually came back to the judge's table.
Hold up. Brit Brit took a break while all the other judges sat there? I know what kind of break that was. It was an "unleash the prairie dog" kind of break. Bitch broke it off right over the toilet. Forget the match, somebody light a torch (or a lighter in front of a can of AquaNet will do). That's what happens when Brit Brit eats a Snickers and Doritos sandwich before showtime.
Panty Creamer of the Day: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (and those are 8 words and a hyphen I thought I'd never type in a row) - Popsugar
KiKi Dunst always looks like she's off to play a fairy in an outdoor theater production of Midsummer Night's Dream - Lainey Gossip
RiRi shows us what a still from a Battlefield Earth porn parody might look like - The Berry
How many hos are going to use this to line their coochie tunnels with? - Towleroad
And Leandro Whateverhisnameis looks really excited about it... - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Jared Smith's facial expression knob must be stuck on SMUG - Celebitchy
German flower Micaela Schaefer is obviously making a bold message about the dangers of leaving soda pack rings lying on the beach - Hollywood Tuna
Nicole Scherzinger's face is starting to look snatched - Popoholic
Kelly Clarkson dropped the chunk for a man - The Superficial
Prison food or school food? - Cityrag
Lindsay Lohan, obviously - Videogum
Vanessa Hudgens' ass got hungry - Celebslam
I kind of want to see Gerard Butler and Adrien Brody bump staches - Just Jared
The RoboCop remake is still happening and now Gary Oldman's in it - Hollywood Rag
David Silver's next kid is going to be a girl - IDLYITW
Levi Johnston will do gay porn in 3....2.. - I'm Not Obsessed
Imagine all the flowers in that room. A mess! - OMG Blog
(Picture via Pacific Coast News)
Correction: It's not totally what I expected. That headline is a liar. I expected to see a gigantic tub (made of Cheetos powder and bacon glue) full of Fresca and buttered popcorn-flavored Jelly Bellies in there. Maybe she's saving that for the live shows.
Seen here looking like a scared kindergarten on picture day who was told to keep her hands to herself, Brit Brit started her first day as judge on The X-Factor in Austin, TX today. Before the Louisiana trailer park blossom judges bitches who have more natural singing talent than she does, she has to fill her belly bag with fried chicken, Doritos and Diet Coke stew. Something called Look Magazine (via Entertainmentwise) says these are Brit Brit's dressing room demands:
34 Herve Leger bandage dresses
12 Snickers bars
6 cases of Diet Coke
10 bags of Doritos
12 vases of magnolias
10 pieces of fried chicken
4 pints of tater salad
1 manicurist, 1 facialist and 1 massage therapist
The manicurist is there to scrub the Doritos smemga out of her nail gutters. The facialist is there pick the pieces of fried chicken dingles off of her cheeks. And the massage therapist is there to knead out the doody knot that's in her ass from eating all that shit. But seriously, that list is actually pretty tame for Brit Brit. You'd think she'd force them to move a Circle K into her trailer. It's a sad day when Brit Brit is eating fried chicken and a Snickers for lunch instead of sucking off a gas station nacho cheese dispenser like she did in the old days. There's not even Velveeta grits on that list!
Today, May 24th, is Asparagus Day, Hate Your Nostrils Day (see: Asparagus Day), Escargot Day, the day after Joan Collins' birthday, Tiara Day and most importantly it's the day a piece of the Internet's heart came out of his mom's box before charming all of us with his love of boxes. Let's all celebrate this day by stuffing ourselves in a box. Happy birthday, Maru!
I know you start your day EVERY day wondering what 90s third-tier boy band LFO has been up to and now you can exhale all your inhales, because I've got answers. Rich, as you know, is in heaven, Devin (in the middle) is hopefully training for his gay porn debut (but probably not) and Brad Fischetti (on the right) is doing what most former boy banders do with their time: he's hanging outside of abortion clinics, hassling young girls going in! And he's live-Tweeting all of it. This is the seriously weirdest Behind the Music ever.
At the clinic. Please pray for us. John, Carlos, and me. Pray 4 Justin. He just went inside side 2 try 2 soften his girl's heart.
Guess what? Ur prayers worked. Justin went n & got his girl. She chose life & we all prayed n front of this place together. Amen. Thank you!
Remember Justin from last week? His lady chose life? 2day she chose death. All she cld say was sorry when she walked out.
10 girls lined up & the clinic's only been open 5 minutes; including some who are well n 2 the 2nd trimester. Prayers 4 these girls please.
The abortionist just arrived. Look him up on your phone. Randall Whitney.
What do u say 2 a girl who walks n the clinic who is so pregnant u would stop her on the street & ask when she's due?
Isaiah 49:15 Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness 4 the child of her womb? Even should she forget I will never forget you.
Celeste chose life today. Please pray for her. I hope u all have a beautiful day.
50 girls waiting to have abortions at this one clinic today. Please pray for a softening of hearts. 2 chose life so far.
You know, it's funny, I always thought that pop music's answer to Kirk Cameron would be the Kenny G-looking one from Color Me Badd. Maybe it's not what we think. Maybe Brad is working for MTV and he's really a casting recruiter for 16 and Pregnant.
Noted punane wrangler Bill Clinton co-hosted an event with Prince Albert II at a casino in Monte Carlo last night and it brought out the likes of Rose McGowan, Diane Kruger, Joshua Jackson, Billy Zane and an award-winning porn star who got close to him for a picture. Brooklyn Lee (right), AVN's Best New Startlet of 2012, Tweeted (via TMZ) this picture of her and two friends, Tasha Reign (left) and Jennifer Taule (far left), hugging on some Bill. I'd like to think that Brooklyn Lee knew Bill was on the guest list and wore that blue dress with a bedazzled white spot especially for him. I'd also like to think that this picture will be the inspiration for a reality show called Bill's Porn Angels.
And I'm not sure of something. Is this what Brooke Hogan, Ashley Tisdale and Nikki Cox look like with beer goggles on or with reverse beer goggles on?
UsWeekly asked Kim Zolciak of The Real Messes of Atlanta what kind of shit she carries in her purse (at least they didn't ask her what she keeps in her puss), because they're going hard for that Pulitzer, obviously. Personally, I care more about what Sheree keeps in her rent-to-own Louis Vuitton purse (eviction notices, a shrub costume to hide from bill collectors, a sand castle bucket to build the rest of Chateau Sheeree, Popsicle sticks to build Chateau Sheree's foundation, etc...), but I'm posting this because Kim keeps a very important item in her bag: a child-slapping wooden spoon!
Kim, who obviously read Abuelita's Guide to Whoopin' Ass cover-to-cover, says she's never used the wooden spoon, but brings it out whenever one of her kids sasses her ass. Kim said, "I carry a wooden spoon for my kids if they get fresh. I've never used it; I just pull it out and they know I'm serious."
Right. So we're really supposed to believe that the main purpose of that wooden spoon is to keep her kids in check and it isn't to attack all the Benji dogs who try to rescue one of their own from the top of her head? Okay, whatever, Kim.
If Kim is telling the truth, then she should know that there's no need to carry that wooden spoon around. If she wants to stun her children into silence, she should just sing live or pull out her phone and play this for them. Warning: If you're not like me and haven't played this over and over again for years, keep a wooden spoon handy. You will want to hit yourself in the ears with it.
That is what it sounds like when the devil cries and it really is the love song of our time.
Here's Kim and Kroy (I hate to say I would) at some event last month.
I'm mad that there's no VCT (visible camel toe), because I really want to see their sparkly camel toes do the Kid 'n Play dance together.
Some dude with a name like a mid-level law firm (or a name like a Wilson Phillips cover band that only sings Chynna's parts) won American Idol last night, because easily impressed teenage girls who lose their minds over white boys with guitars are the only tricks voting for that shit, but who cares about that when we've got Fantasia and Chaka Khan defying the laws of Spandex and sequins. With the help of an industrial-strength sausage caser, Fantasia and Chaka squeezed into catsuits and showed those amateur whores how suffocating-crotch-glamour is really done. Chaka wins this catsuit fever battle, because she's Chaka and wins almost everything, but Fantasia gave her a run for her Cameflage. Fantasia looked like a giant gay eel trying to swallow Verdine White whole. Fantasia split that catsuit up the side, because she knows she's way too much for it to handle and didn't want it to overexert itself later. That was nice of Fanny.
Wearing that catsuit almost makes me forgive 'Tasia for putting that discount Halloween store Morticia wig on her head. Almost. And here's a few more pictures including some of Fantasia flashing her coma titties on the red carpet. Yes, Cher worked that look better almost 40 years ago, but I can't hate Fantasia for trying.
If your internet connection is going in and out this morning, that's because Kim Kardashian is furiously refreshing The Paperboy page on Fandango until the BUY TICKETS button comes up, because that bladder wine-loving heffa wants to buy ALL the tickets! If Lee Daniels' upcoming movie The Butler (co-starring Matthew McConaughey as John Fucking Kennedy) is going to be a major shit show, then his new movie The Paperboy is the piss stream before the dump. The Paperboy made its debut at Cannes this week and so far many of the critics have declared it a campy piece of utter shit. That means I can confidently say that The Paperboy is going to be my favorite cinematic masterpiss of 2012!
The Paperboy is based on the novel by Peter Dexter and follows two brothers, the Texas T-Rex and Zac Efron, as they investigate (Princess Zac as an investigator? HA!) the case of a death row inmate played by John Cusack. This is the part that is already making me hand over my credit card number to buy a ticket. Nicole Kidman plays a trashy, sex crazed tramp who is obsessed with John Cusack's character and wants to marry him. With Nicole's help, Zac and Matthew try to figure out if John Cusack committed the murder he was convicted of. Vulture says that in the scene where Nicole first meets John Cusack face-to-face, she is so horny for him that she rips off her pantyhose before her pussy explodes into a hand-free orgasm. Please tell me that after Nicole's coochie seizure moment, Zac snaps his fingers and says, "Guuuurrrl, I'll have what she's having!"
As for that scene where Nicole R. Kellys Zac, I'll let Vulture give it to you:
Later in the movie, as Efron's romantic ardor for Kidman is at its peak, the two head to the beach, where he decides to cool down with a dip in the ocean. Naturally, he is attacked by CG jellyfish. (Only the sixteenth weirdest thing to happen in this movie.) Covered in sting marks, he barely manages to drag himself to shore, and when Kidman is alerted to the attack by some comely girls who surround Efron, she pushes them away, pops a squat, and out comes number-one. And yes, you get a close-up of the stream. This is a movie that often seems to be missing important transitional scenes or specific inserts, but you had better believe that when Nicole Kidman pees on Zac Efron, that camera is there.
Thank the Maybelline Gods for waterproof foundation, because if Zac's "maybe she's born with it" face got messed up in the making of that AFI-worthy moment, he would've had a hissy fit over that...pissy fit (sorry).
And I'm calling it right now. The Oscar goes to......Nicole Kidman's piss stream!
Here's Zac Efron still glowing from his golden shower facial at The Paperboy photocall with human marble pillar Nicole Kidman, Macy Gray, Matthew McConaughey and John Cusack.