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Only press play if you're okay with using X amount of seconds of your day and okay with straining several muscles in your face from mouthing the words "what in every God's name am I watching..." on a loop. The porn iguana Courtney Stodden should be sitting in a chair in school, but instead she's using her time to make performance art pieces like this one of her as a cat. Courtney isn't trying to put on a total sexy pussycat act on either. Bitch is acting like an actual cat! This is some high school drama club exercise shit! Courtney coughs up a weave ball, eats cat food out of a bag and kicks litter around with her lucite heels. It's a Sarah McLachlan song away from being the most terrifying SPCA PSA ever. Please spay, neuter (and don't drug up) your pets!

via ONTD

If the miracle child of Karen Elson and Castapella from She-Ra played one of Alexis Carrington's arch rivals in a Dynasty episode set in an alternate universe, she would look exactly like Tilda Swinton on Candy magazine - Celebitchy

Prince William, Prince Hot Ginge and Duchess Kate are obviously discussing the super important topic of vagina balls - Lainey Gossip

Just once can The Berry please do pantless Fridays? - The Berry

Oh, RiRi's just sniffing her fingers and covering her nipple knobs for Esquire - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The Glittery Gays of YouTube take on that annoying song that won't stop buzzing around my eardrums - Towleroad

Why do I have a feeling that Billy Ray Cyrus was below that balcony with his mouth open? - Hollywood Tuna

RiRi's outfit looked a lot better when it was laid on top of my mom's breakfast table - The Superficial

There must be something terribly wrong with my senses because I actually like what's on Jada Pinkett Smith's body - Popsugar

Kate Moss is so used to modeling that she can do it in her sleep! No seriously, I think she's asleep in these pictures. Like with her eyes open. - ICYDK

Rachel Bilson dressed like a victorian toddler at her first communion - Popoholic

3 fap-worthy words: Stephen Harper Naked - OMG Blog

INSOUPTION! - Videogum

Looking like she just ate a bowl of Wite Out - Crunk + Disorderly

The time I mistook Ali Larter for Meg Ryan - Celebslam

"So is that where I swipe my AMEX?" - the Swedish Shauna Sand's sugar daddy - IDLYITW

Just throw some horsey sauce on that finger and eat up! - Hollywood Rag

That is an S.O.S. side-eye if I ever saw one - I'm Not Obsessed

Still needs more ManJello nipples - Just Jared

Theresa Giudice just cackled so hard that her gorilla head hairline jumped back a few inches - Cityrag

There's a Ukrainian reporter whose "thing" is to kiss the cheeks of celebrities on the red carpet and I guess most celebrities are okay with it, but Will Smith was not one of those celebrities at the premiere of Men In Black 3 in Moscow today. The reporter put his lips on Will Smith's face and Will got bitchy with it by pushing that ho before swatting him in the face. From afar, it probably looked like a typical lovers quarrel. You'd think Will would be into it since that reporter sort of has a Tommy Girl-ish quality about his face. It is that reporter's fault, though. Dude needed to do his research before going in. Next time he should wear either a Jada Pinkett Smith or Duane Martin mask, because those are the only dudes Will kisses in public.

via TMZ & Hip Hollywood

Cancel the "That's So Raven!" pride parade float sponsored by Sharpie (the trusted name in eyebrow situations), because Raven Symone has stepped far away from the closet door knob and is not coming out publicly anytime soon. Raven went on Twitter today to twat out a few words about the rumor that she and AzMarie from ANTM are playing patty cake with their labias. Whether Raven likes to chupa on clit or peen is her business and nobody else's. That's what Raven says and she gave it to us like this:

I'm living my PERSONAL life the way I'm happiest. I'm not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I'm dating. and I shall not start now.

My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I'm datings to know. I'm not one for a public display of my life.

However that is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I'm not harming anyone.

I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!

Three things:

1. Raven has been in the game for 25 years?! Welcome to Old Town. Population: ALL OF US.

2. I get that Raven wants to Anderson Cooper it, but at least one time in my life I want to see her zooming down a pride parade route on a Segway with a rainbow flag in her hand.

3. Light being made from love? Bitch didn't come out as a lesbian, but she did come out as a fucking Care Bear. I KNEW IT!

Charlize Theron is one of those gorgeous beauties who tries to convince us that when she was a kid, she was a disgustingly gross creature who cowered under a bench in the playground as brats threw peanut shells at her. (Yes, I'm typing from experience.) Charlize is still trying to convince us of that shit and she said in an interview (via The Sun and Gawker) that she had jaundice as a child and the condition left her with a mouth full of not much until she was about 11. Up until then, Charlize said she was walking around looking like a Cyrus.

“My early childhood was quite devastating. I had no teeth until I was 11.I had these fangs because I had jaundice when I was a kid and I was put on so many antibiotics that my teeth rotted. They had to cut them out. So I never had milk teeth. That was tough, you know, being in school having photos taken while I was pretending I had teeth. It was hideous.”

The mother on that Time cover is taking notes like, "Antibiotics, you say?"

I'm trying to figure out if it's worse to have no teeth as a child or to have some amazingly jacked up jank teeth as a child? My teeth were a disaster zone. One tooth looked drunker the next and they were all going to different parties. One toof was stumbling toward the right, another toof was stumbling toward the left and another toof was falling back. If teeth are the grill of the face, then mine were the front of an Oldsmobile Cutlass after it rammed into a metal fence. I had to brush my teeth vertically because that shit was so jagged. I wore a headgear, braces and a golf glove on my hand to stop from sucking my thumb. To this day, golf gloves are still gross to me. Yeah, that's why every time I step into a gay bar, every dude in there puts a golf glove on his dick.

Here's one Toofless Charlize with Kristen Stewart and Sam Claflin at a photo call for that Snow White movie in Madrid yesterday.

One way to deal with your arch rival telling a magazine they wanted to kill you is to Tweet picture after picture after picture after picture after video of you murdering a target to show a ho that you can shoot a gun without your popsicle stick arm popping off. LeAnn Rimes is supposedly shaking out of her Jimmy Choo horseshoes, because her husband's ex Brandi Glanville has threatened to kill her life several times. Because LeAnn is not one to waste an opportunity to whore herself out as much as possible, she sent Brandi a not-so-subtle public warning message in the form of these pictures. These bickering bitches...

I'm all for women fighting over a man and some kids, because it makes them look like morons and that's good for business, but really? Brand is a dumb ass for using LeAnn's name to get 5 seconds of publicity and LeAnn is a dumber ass for keeping this mess going. They're like the Dollar General version of Angelina and Jennifer. I swear, there are a lot of things I'd scrap over (examples: the last Kit Kat, DVDs of the only season of 2000 Malibu Road, a lifetime supply of Jell-O 1-2-3, etc...), but Eddie Cibrian and some kids are not on that list. If LeAnn spent as much time on her singing career as she does on these fame whore stunts, she'd have a singing career again. Even if LeAnn doesn't care about her singing career anymore, she has to know that sending some stupid message to Brandi takes precious time away from trolling around in a bikini for the paps. Bitch needs to get her priorities (and those implants cause they're a mess) straight.

And on another note, these pictures should scare EVERYONE, not just Brandi Glanville. The next time you take a horse out back, it may put you down instead.

And you can curse at the "like" button for that.

One of my biggest regrets in life, besides drinking an all-green protein shake for breakfast today (BARF! NEVER AGAIN!),  is not getting a job as a janitor, muralist or glory hole attendant at Facebook during its earlier days. Because if I did, about this time tomorrow I'd be writing Dlisted posts from my private island while clones of Prince Hot Ginge feed me a fresh batch of Zingers I had flown in on my invisible Wonder Woman plane flown by Lynda Carter herself. As you know by now, Facebook went public today and not only is this going to make Mark Zuckerberg a boy billionaire 20 times over, but it might make Bono richer than Paul McCartney.

HuffPo says that in 2009, Bono's company Elevation Partners invested $90 million in Facebook, which earned them 2.3 percent of the company. With Facebook's IPO expected to hit $100 billion, Elevation Partners' shares could be worth up to $1.5 billion. The not-at-all reliable Celebrity Net Worth says Bono's solid gold money vault is filled with around $900 million. Depending on how much of Elevation's earnings belongs personally to Bono, he could be richer than Paul McCartney by the end of the day. Paul McCartney is currently worth around $1.05 billion.

Bono is obviously going to use a lot of that money to fund his various charitable causes, or at least he's going to use a lot of that money to throw a charity benefit where U2 will play for a $5 million fee and A-listers will drink $20-a-sip champagne. But Bono should also use that money to build a portable moat around him, because that booming hopping sound you hear is Heather Mills coming to snatch his ass!

Now that Joe Jonas is living in New York City, the city should really designate parts of the sidewalk as "The Joe Jonas Only Lane," because hos need to get out of the way when he busts out his signature swish sway strut. Naomi Campbell who? Joe and a hot friend sashayed and shante'd through SoHo yesterday afternoon and time stood still when everyone dropped their sunglasses to gaze at the strut show while men in business suits sang out, "Whoooooooooo's that laaaaadaaaaaaay?" Joe's pearl diggers (Do you really think he's digging clams in that outfit?) tell me that he wanted to keep his ankles free to really make each step pop!

No Joe Jonas strut show is complete without a theme song, so press play and get your snappin' fingers ready:

"Honey, don't stop a speeding train before it reaches its destination." It's like 1980s Sheena Easton was a visitor from the future and thought about Joe Jonas' strut when she sang out that lyric. No truer words have ever been sung.

Dick Cheney knows that, as an American, he has the constitutional right to "bare" arms, but equally important is keeping those arms exfoliated and moisturized! - herroyalflyness

Runners-up:

Ted Nugent produced a short educational video on how one should protect themselves from the government while bathing. - fosho

The Tooth Fairy will never be the same after visiting Gary Busey's home. - ediblegreg

Jeez, John Travolta really does have a bad reputation at the saunas if everybody acts like that when they get word he's in town. - TexnDoc

via Evil Milk

Conchita Wurst (more like Conchita Best or Conchita Werk), the drag jewel alter ego of Austrian singer Tom Neuwirth.

Tom Neuwirth started his career by yodeling out high-pitched musical unicorn notes on the Austrian reality talent show Starmania, where he placed second. Then in 2011, Tom slid into casing made of swan foreskin and pixie wings, and Conchita Wurst was born! Conchita covered the eyes of many with a thick layer of grace when she sang on another Austrian talent show, and later competed to represent Austria at Euro Vision this year. Conchita didn't get the spot, but that's only because Austria wants to keep the shiniest diamond in their collection of crown jewels close and doesn't want to share it with the world. Do you blame them? Prepare your ears for the puckering. You will shoot glitter out of one of your body holes and I'm not sure I can tell you which one.

And here's Conchita Wurst making that Titanic necklace rise from the bottom of the ocean with her glorious voice:

That is the most gorgeous singing bedazzled sausage (made of equal parts Glamberace, Harald Glööckler, Bill Kaulitz and Klinger) I've ever seen. And she comes with her own beard! I bet Kim Kardashian is looking at Conchia Wurst and is like, "If I don't shave first thing in the morning, and then again at 5 o'clock, I can be as beautiful as her." You wish, heffa.

(For Oxygen)