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The indie rock band Here We Go Magic were driving along in Ohio in their van when they basically saw a unicorn nymph centaur holding a rainbow in his hands. They saw John Fucking Waters standing near a highway on-ramp looking for a ride. Okay, if that was me, I'd have to drive back to the DQ and ask them if they put an extra scoop of powdered acid in my Blizzard, because seeing a hitchhiking John Waters is like magic for your eyes.

Once Here We Go Magic's bassist Jen Turner finished farting out flamingo feathers from spending time with John, she Tweeted the entire wonderful experience. Jen says that when they asked John why he's using his thumb to get him across the country, he simply said that he's looking for an adventure. The band's guitarist Michael Bloch told the story in an email to their record label and their record label forwarded it to Gawker:

There's a hydro-fracking boom in western Pennsylvania. You can't get a motel room. We had to drive til 4AM, and finally found a Days Inn in eastern Ohio. Getting back on the highway this morning, there was a man at the side of the on-ramp with a sign that read "to the end of Rte 70." Jen wanted to pick him up, but we drove past him. As we passed by, our sound guy said "John Waters." Luke said, "Yep, definitely John Waters." We got off at the next exit and circled back. He was still there. We pulled up, opened the door and asked where he was coming from. "Baltimore," he said. And we said "Get in, sir."

The band took him to Indianapolis and now he's looking to continue his journey down I-70.

How is this shit a real story? It's almost better than an episode of Bait Bus! I feel like somebody tucked me in and told me their acid flashback. The cynical whore in me says it's some kind of stunt, but I'm still tempted to get into a Zipcar and drive down I-70 hoping to find John and give him and his dandy stache a ride. Who cares if I've always been told that if I pick up a hitchhiker, he'll lure me into a gas station bathroom with promises of peen, murder me, cut my face off and sew it over his so he can rob banks as me? It's John Waters!

Before JLo got the American Idol job, she was headed straight for Dancing with the Has-Beens, a county fair tour with Martika (JLo wishes!) and she'd eventually end up performing as a Selena impersonator at office holiday parties. American Idol put that bitch and her heffalump ass back on top and now that she's there she doesn't have to pretend to care about a bunch of brats whose farts sound better than her natural singing voice.

A source tells UsWeekly that JLo doesn't even have time in her busy schedule for American Idol anymore. JLo is going to tour the country with Enrique Iglesias, is working on a new album, has a couple of movies in the works and has to train Casper Smart to not shit in the tub while they're having romantic bubble bath times. The source explained, "There is too much going on for her right now. She regrets she can't stay on the show. It's been an incredible experience and she is forever grateful that she did it."

Can I get a "bitch, please" because it's so obvious what JLo is trying to pull here. If there's one thing JLo loves more than Casper Smart slathering her ass with Baby Oil while telling her that she's got the most magnificent ass in the game, it's money, bitch. American Idol paid JLo $20 million last season to be completely useless and she's obviously trying to get a raise. I can't fault JLo for being a greedy, money-eating whore who puts diamond water in her enema tube. I'd do the same thing. But don't try JLo's move with your boss. If you tried to get a raise by telling your boss that you just don't have time for your job anymore, the only thing you'd get is an empty cardboard box to put all your cubicle decorations in.

Mary Kennedy, the 52-year-old estranged wife of Robert F. Kennedy, was found dead at her home in Bedford, New York today. The police didn't name Mary Kennedy, but they said they're looking into a "possible unattended death" (aka a death that nobody witnessed) inside an "out building" on her property. Mary's cause of death is of course not known yet, but Radar is hearing that she committed suicide. Mary's family released this statement:

"We deeply regret the death of our beloved sister Mary, whose radiant and creative spirit will be sorely missed by those who loved her. Our heart goes out to her children who she loved without reservation."

Mary became a Kennedy almost 18 years ago when she married Robert and Ethel Kennedy's son Robert. They had four children together. Robert filed for divorce from Mary back in 2010, but the divorce was never finalized. Three days after Robert filed for divorce, Mary was busted for DUI.

TMZ also wants us to know that Robert F. Kennedy is currently dating Cheryl Hines. So I think I speak for all of us when I say: RUUUUUUUUN, Cheryl, RUUUUUUN. The Kennedy Curse is no joke and it's truly worse than The Hunger Games.

If a copper unicorn horn came to life with pixie dust, it would look exactly the way Tilda Swinton looked at Cannes today - Just Jared

Mimi is not here say words about Brit Brit - Lainey Gossip

The Lesbeaver pours a little sweet nectar in his sippy cup every now and again - The Berry

It came from the sea.... - The Superficial

Gays of Our Lives, indeed - Towleroad

Charlize Theron and GOOPY aren't going to make a movie together anytime soon - Celebitchy

Gisele Bundchen's sandy nalgitas cover Vogue Paris - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Tan Mom's nemesis emerges... - Hollywood Tuna

Hayden Panacotta puffs out her new bought-and-paid-for Tupperware bowl titties in promo pictures for Nashville - Popoholic

Katherine Heigl's new baby isn't even trying to look at her mom's pan fried Top Ramen hair - ICYDK

The ass juice-filled, flame broiled toad wart has gone too far this time - OMG Blog

I don't know if Suzanne Somers' hair needs less hormones or more hormones, but it definitely needs something - Celebslam

One of these is not like the others - Popsugar

But NeNe's Hermey the Dentist hair still needs to make an exit - Crunk + Disordelry

The top of Ginnifer Goodwin's dress was a whoopee cushion in its past life, right? - Moe Jackson

Chris Hemsworth and Tacky Pataky take their new bundle of baby out for a walk - I'm Not Obsessed

The face and stomach of an American hero - Videogum

What most of us look like when getting up in the morning - Cityrag

The only thing that's missing is a grand piano and the Baker Boys slobbering over her - Hollywood Rag

Panty Creamer of the Day: some trick from Hart of Dixie - Manhunt Daily

While Sacha Baron Cohen was off playing with his old bitch, George Clooney played with a new bitch in Malibu. And this one's a ginge! George treated his new Ginger Retriever friend like the lady or gentlemen that she or he is by gently shaking her or his paw during their first date. Okay, I'm using that "she or he" shit, because after doing a thorough examination with my eyes of this dog's crotch area, I still don't know whether it's a dude or a lady. (I'm pretty sure that last sentence is exactly what the pediatrician said to my mom after my first psychical.) Let's just make it easy and give George's friend the totally creative name of Ginger.

George and Ginger shared many beautiful moments together while shooting an Android commercial that's only going to air in Italy (because George is fancy like that). George usually doesn't date his co-stars, but he should make an exception for Ginger. After hiring basic bland boring bitch after basic bland boring bitch to be his red carpet escort, George should get with a natural beauty with a personality. Ginger has talent (Sarah Larson is my hero, but I'd like to see her sit and stay on command), doesn't need a $5,000 designer gown to look glamorous and will never bark out the English word "marriage." Ginger is perfect! Come on, George, put Ginger's paw on the contract.

In "Why in wiggly anus hell didn't I see this coming?" news, super lawyer Gloria Allred has found a way to get a starring role in this messy John Travolta saga. It looks like I was every layer of false when I said that John Doe #1 withdrew his $2 million lawsuit against John Travolta because he was paid off. John Doe #1 hired Gloria Allred and the two will decide whether or not he's going to sue a bitch again. I have been thinking that what this John Travolta vs. T Entire Massage Industry drama needs is a theatrical press conference starring dramatic ass Gloria "Norma Desmond" Allred!

John Doe #1's first lawyer, Okorie Okorocha, filed papers to dismiss the lawsuit after they both decided to go their separate ways. Without a lawyer and with hos throwing a suspicious squint at him for getting the date of the alleged groping wrong, most of us figured his case was as dead as the animal on Travolta's head. But the Captain Save-A-Ho of attorneys tells Radar that the case is alive and she's going to squeeze every last drop of attention leche from it:

" I represent John Doe #1. Mr. Doe's lawsuit was dismissed without prejudice which means that he is still legally entitled to file another lawsuit against John Travolta if he chooses. We are in the process of conferring with him regarding the next steps, which he may wish to take. Our client and our firm has no further comment at this time."

John Doe #1 doesn't need to ever comment, because Gloria Allgreen will say everything that needs to be said when she stages a live reenactment of the incident for the media in the conference room of her office. Now is Gloria's chance to top her priceless baseball bat butt sex ballet:

Since it's been Trollvolta overload around here and you're going to need several years of hypnotherapy to rid your brain of the images of his hungry hungry hole saying "Feed me, Seymour!" to a massage therapist's finger, here's something that might temporarily ease the pain. Presenting...Shemar Moore's nipples in Cannes!

Since Elisabetta Canalis is a professional when it comes to faking a relationship for a stack of money and a little relevancy, Sacha Baron Cohen hired her to star with him in a STUNT QUEEN skit on a yacht in Cannes this morning. While in his Dictator drag, Sacha rubbed on Elisabetta, showed her his little dicktator, pretended to be mad when she wasn't impressed with it, murdered her and then threw her overboard in a body bag. It was like a sped up performance art interpretation of her entire relationship with George Clooney.

Grabbing on an annoying character who's hairier than an unwaxed Kardashian before getting fake murdered is a million steps up from humping on the human skater's scab that is Steve-O. So YAY for that, Elisabetta. And I really hope she got at least four 8 balls for doing this shit.

Maybe it's because I'm so used to seeing Ke$hit look like Marjory the Trash Heap shat her up after downing gallons of used stripper glitter and butt sweat, but am I wrong ("Yes, you are." - you) for saying that she doesn't look completely awful as usual? Yeah, Ke$hit looks like John Travolta's face twin in a homeless shelter theater production of Some Like It Hot, but it's still an upgrade. It's amazing what four sand blast sessions, ten hours in a fumigation tent, a grooming by certified HAZMAT removal experts and a team of brave stylists who specialize in skankorcisms can do for a bitch!

Here's more of Ke$hit at something called the BMI Awards (Body Mass Index Awards? Busted Manfaced Idiot Awards? Bowel Movement Instigator Awards?) at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills last night. I also threw in some pictures of Drunk Ass Sandra Lee and Diana DeGarmo. I don't know what's worse? Diana's ihopethoseareclipon-bangs or the coagulated jizz balls on her bordello wallpaper of a dress?

My mom is one of the most caring and sensitive people I know. Scratch that. Let me do that sentence again. My mom is the ONLY caring and sensitive person I know since everybody else I know is a straight-up bitch. There that's better. Even though my mom is a kind soul, she's never really fazed by the dumb-coated pieces of mangled trash that my mouth shits up on a regular basis. But one of the only times I saw her get sad on the inside over some crap I spewed up was when we were watching her personal God, Dr. Oz, on TV and I said that he looked like a functioning corpse. The look on her face jumped between "you just strangled my kitten with my favorite cardigan while pissing with the seat down in my guest bathroom" to "you better learn how to drop your neck into your body real quick because I'm about to choke you out."

She is serious about her Dr. Oz and I'm sure one of her dreams in life is to be his assistant of the day so she can gaze up at his apple chip face as he tells her to crawl through a Colossal Colon or some weird shit like that. That is why I cannot and refuse to analyze the possible appearance of Dr. Oz's crotch wizard in the pages of Good Housekeeping. Damn TMZ, damn Good Housekeeping and damn me for posting this:

If you show this to my mom, do not tell me about it. Because the next time I'm watching Dr. Oz with her, I do not want to know why her smile is extra smiley. No. All parties involved are wrong for this. I hate cameras, I hate paper, I hate magazines, I hate scanners, I hate upload buttons and I hate the Internet.

Nick Stahl of Terminator 3, Bully, Carnivàle and In the Bedroom has been missing since May 9th and his family and friends are afraid he went hunting for the bad shit in or around Skid Row in Downtown L.A. Nick's estranged wife and the mother of his daughter, Rose, filed a police report with the L.A.P.D. on Monday after not hearing from him for over 2 weeks.

TMZ's sources say that recently 32-year-old Nick has been hanging out in Skid Row and he wasn't there to do charity work with the homeless or research a role in the Little Shop of Horrors remake. Nick has been fighting an addiction to the bad shit for a little while now and shit got so serious that Rose filed papers in February asking the court to force him to undergo a drug test 24 hours before he visits with their daughter. Rose also asked the judge to limit visitations with their 2-year-old daughter to 8 hours a week.

Ashley Judd, Poppy Montgomery, Sgt. Caroline Mason and Vivica Fox (yes, I just admitted that I watched that other Missing show on Lifetime), please assemble, because your services are needed STAT. Hopefully, this does end well and Nick's wife hasn't heard from him because he's been filming a super secret new season of Carnivàle.