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Just so you know, this is what Lark Voorhies, mostly known as Lisa Turtle on Saved By The Bell, looked like in 2010:

I don't even know where to begin. I don't even know where to end. I don't even know where the middle is. This could be an Ashley Judd situation, but that clown on crack make-up is the main reason for why Lisa Turtle looks like she was made with equal parts of Tracy Jordan in drag and current face LeAnn Rimes. Make-up like this should only be worn when you're trying to terrify the dreams out of young children, not when you're talking about whatever during an interview. This is fucking depressing and the only bitch I can blame right now is Screech. Because that is definitely what one looks like after getting one too many Dirty Sanchezes from Screech.

The video has left me with even more questions.

Can we please start a Kickstarter to get Lisa Turtle a make-up artist that won't make her look like she just pressed her face against Lil Kim's face?

(Thanks, Suzanne)

Not since the Empress of Lucite's sex tape have I felt the soft sensation of angels blowing lucite dust into my eyes.....

Shauna Sand, the most beautiful woman in every universe and beyond, climbed to the upper echelon of demureness in St. Barts a few days ago by making sweet, passionate, natural, Skinemax-like love with her piece in front of the paps. That amateur trick Courtney Stodden better not get any ideas and she better slide under the rock from which she came from while our modern day Aphrodite takes the staged photo-op to the next level. Egotastic has the whole set and you might want to hold onto something steady and grab your smelling salts before you step in. There aren't any exquisite lucite heels, but there is a pair of b-hole hugging jorts. Click your way to romance.

 Dear Deborah Kerr and Burt Lancaster, this is what your scene in From Here to Eternity should've looked like.

(Picture via FameFlynet)

Hey, RPattz, is that a videodrome vagina on your stomach or are you just hap- Oh yeah, I think it is a videodrome vagina - The Berry

In most of these pictures Prince Charles looks like he's trying to cut it short if you know what I mean - Lainey Gossip

If you've never been formally introduced to do Milla Jovovich's butt crack, here you go - The Superficial

Prince Charles found his true calling - Towleroad

Sean Bean needs to sit on his phone and stop for a while - Celebitchy

Rosie Jones poses topless for what looks like a really happy medical exam - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

How is Jennifer Love Hewitt's limbs staying together without being held by a Herve Leger bandage dress?! - Hollywood Tuna

I want to suck on MiserAlba's shoulder pad - Popoholic

And yet this Marilyn Monroe statue still looks more put together than Lindsay Lohan does - IDLYITW

Meeting of the douches - ICYDK

Cougar Town is moving to basic cable - Buzzsugar

Mama Tina looks like a Mob Wife as drawn by Walt Disney - Crunk + Disorderly

Dumb Bitch of the Decade - Hollywood Rag

"Lauren Conrad" and "Topless" are not words I want to see in the same headline - Cityrag

FYI: Andy Cohen wants a man - I'm Not Obsessed

Ain't no party like a John Travolta party - Videogum

Cher on Romney (not like that) - OMG Blog

"To me, the Boss woman is driven....like in a chauffeured Maybach, because she refuses to walk even 5 steps on the gross sidewalk!" - Fishsticks Paltrow - Just Jared

The entire nation already halfway exhaled when Kim Kardashian FINALLY gave her thoughts on Obama's thought son gay marriage and now we can exhale all the way, because fellow reality show whore Bristol Palin has FINALLY given hers. The authority on whoresome wholesome family values and "traditional" marriage took a break from trying to get on The Choice (I'm guessing that's what she's up to these days) and wrote a blog for Patheos about how Obama's daughters need less Glee in their lives and how statistics show that children who grow up with a mother and a father do better in life. That's Bristol's way of politely telling her son that since a single mother is raising him, he's screwed and he'd be better off being raised by the pieces they chiseled off of her jaw to make way for her new chin.

It took me a while to figure out Bristol's piece wasn't from The Onion, because it's that good. It's just too easy. It's like a monologue from GCB. Clear your throat before you get into this, because you'll need to make way for all the HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAs:

So let me get this straight – it’s a problem if my mom listened too much to my dad, but it’s a heroic act if the President made a massive change in a policy position that could affect the entire nation after consulting with his teenage daughters?

While it’s great to listen to your kids’ ideas, there’s also a time when dads simply need to be dads. In this case, it would’ve been helpful for him to explain to Malia and Sasha that while her friends parents are no doubt lovely people, that’s not a reason to change thousands of years of thinking about marriage. Or that – as great as her friends may be – we know that in general kids do better growing up in a mother/father home. Ideally, fathers help shape their kids’ worldview.

In this situation, it was the other way around. I guess we can be glad that Malia and Sasha aren’t younger, or perhaps today’s press conference might have been about appointing Dora the Explorer as Attorney General because of her success in stopping Swiper the Fox.

Sometimes dads should lead their family in the right ways of thinking. In this case, it would’ve been nice if the President would’ve been an actual leader and helped shape their thoughts instead of merely reflecting what many teenagers think after one too many episodes of Glee.

So Bristol, the daughter of someone who ran for VP, is telling us NOT to listen to the daughters of the President? Oh Bristol, don't listen to 99.9999% of the commenters on your blog calling you a fucking idiot. You're a comedy genius and the show you say is gaying up America should hire you as their head writer. Keep bringing on the funnies, bitch!

Trace Cyrus has answered the question you ask yourself every time you see a picture of him and that question is: Is it possible for this hore to make himself look more ridiculous than he already does?! Trace Cyrus achieved the impossible by covering the side of his head with a whole lot of foolery. Trace wrote on Twitter that the Cyrus family's tattoo artist traveled to California from Las Vegas to ink up the entire family. Trace also said that getting tattooed in the head hurt a lot (CALL PETA!!!). Trace's tattoo looks like van art to me, but it's his head and there's nothing in there that possibly could've been damaged in the making of that tattoo, so he's good!

You know, I'm trying to focus on the left side of the picture instead of trying to figure out what the fuck is in his ear (Tattoo ink? Freckled tears from his ear crying over the artistic beauty that's above it?). The left side of the picture is easier on the eyes. I mean, I kind of like those tear drop feathers. It's very Native American chola. Just call Trace, La Sad Feather.

via ONTD

People said earlier this year that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis' relationship had a hole in it bigger than the gap in her moufs and their sources didn't think there was any chance of them patching that shit up. Johnny was off grinding on tricks in the club while drunk out of his head skull and Vanessa was off being a mom in the French countryside or some shit. It was one of those "THEY'RE LIVING TWO DIFFERENT LIVES!!!!" kind of stories. Vanessa quickly said in so many words that the rumors weren't true. Now it's Johnny's turn to spit out a denial. During the London premiere of the abomination that is the Dark Shadows movie, the mash-up of Adam Ant and Keith Richards told The Sun that he's still happily slipping his tongue in Gappy's gap:

"They are absolutely not true. No matter what I say about this, people believe the opposite. I can’t say enough about it not being over.”

That's wonderful and everything, but The Sun asked the wrong question. They should've asked Johnny why he broke up with shampoo and when can we expect them to start "canoodling" again? That's the question I really need the answer to.

Those of you who watch The Real Plasticwives of Orange County know that Droopy Dog Vicki's world crashed down to the same level as Alexis Bellino's IQ when she found out her daughter Briana eloped with her boyfriend at a drive-thru wedding chapel in Las Vegas. I was shocked too, because I kept waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting for the episode where Briana comes out as a proud labia-licking lesbian. It didn't happen and instead Briana married a dude. Vicki freaked out, because Vicki is Vicki and if it's not about Vicki Vicki doesn't like it. Vicki felt like Vicki's daughter robbed Vicki of the experience of being the mother of the bride at a wedding Vicki would've made all about Vicki. I'm typing Vicki's name so much, because blogging legend has it that if you don't type Vicki's name at least 25 times in a post about Vicki, you will awaken the Vicki monster and Vicki will crawl out of the closet to scream at you for not making this post all about Vicki!

During the past episode, Droopy Dog threw a marriage announcement/wine club (???) party for her daughter and Tamra asked Briana if there was a baby with a shot gun in there. Vicki's head nearly popped off and she said she wouldn't be able to take another bomb drop. Well, pull out your telescopes and search the sky for a soaring Vicki head, because Radar says that Briana's love tank is full of amniotic fluid:

The reality TV star is already four months pregnant and can't wait to be a mother, a well-placed source tells us.

The news likely came as another shock for Vicki who, as RadarOnline.com reported felt "confused and sad" when she recently learned about Briana's secret elopement.

Vicki hasn't yet given a statement about this, but we all know what her official response is. Yes, I'm using this GIF again:

Honestly, Vicki loves all of this. Ho loves the drama. If it allows her to be the neurotic, unreasonable, lunatic monster that she is, Vicki is all about it. Some people just love being crazy. Besides, Vicki will love her grandchild as long as Briana names it....wait for it...Vicki Jr.

In other OC Housewives, Lynne Curtin, the Steven Tyler-ish beauty who makes Alexis Bellino look like the founder of Mensa, is getting a divorce! Who will get control of her Cuffs of Love empire?!!!!

We already knew that, but now it's confirmed with picture proof! Since Twitter is the new cover of People Magazine and "I'm so rich I don't need to whore out my baby's first picture to a magazine for a check" is the new "I'm whoring out my baby's first picture to a magazine for a check," Bruce Willis' girl wife Emma Heming posted the first picture of their adorable daughter Mabel on Twitter this morning. Emma added this little note with the picture:

"A beautiful day in Budapest with the loves of my life. Daddy and Mabel cracking each other up"

I know you bitches didn't read that note and I know you bitches aren't reading this either, because I know you bitches are too busy squinting at that picture to see if Baby Mabel inherited the signature Willis girls bold chin. Nope, she didn't. It's Mabel's loss, though. When Mabel's in the mood for fresh guacamole and can't find a pestle, she won't be able to mash that avocado with her chin.

And here's Mabel's half-sister Rumer giving us Ore-Ida hash browns realness at a Nylon party in L.A. last night.

Over two weeks ago, Jennifer Aniston was planning a wedding, then she had a case of the babies and now hos are saying that she's about to renew her membership to the Forever Alone Society. Star Magazine (via Hollywood Life) says that when Justin Theroux sits at the breakfast table in Jennifer's Bel Air mansion, he softly sings "fuuuuuuuuuck myyyyyyyy liiiiiiiiiiife" to himself as she sticks one of those Plum pouches in the mouth of her Baby Alive. Some source says that when Justin is lying in bed next to Jennifer, while she's clutching a Beanie Baby monitor, the dream bubble in his head is filling up with pictures from his past life. Justin wants to back to NYC and he wants to go back to his ex-piece Heidi Bivens. So says the source:

“The bloom is off the rose. He wants his old home, his old love and his old life back. Justin and Heidi still talk, and they are very supportive of each other. Justin feels she’s handled herself with grace, never becoming nasty or vindictive though it was a total shock when he began seeing Jen behind her back while they were still living together. Justin is full of remorse and regret which he has told Heidi. Justin wants a family, but he doesn’t want it with Jen.”

And then Star's editor says they heard a voice in the distance say, "Heidi, you dumb ass bitch, get off that pay phone! And take off that disguise, it's not like they can see your stupid ass. Get back up into the apartment and clean up the mess you made while pasting pictures of your face over Jennifer Aniston's face in all those magazines!"

Since reboots are the thing, I love how the tabloids have rebooted the Brangelina/Aniston triangle of grossness and cast Aniston as Angie, Justin as B. Pitt and Heidi as Aniston. I wonder who they'll cast as the Maddox? (SPOILER ALERT: Aniston's Prep Boy Asian CB Doll)

The paparazzi got struck with the fear of Berry yesterday when she nearly raged her weave off and showed them how she greets Gabriel Aubry when he comes over to pick up their daughter.  Like a mama bear defending her cub or me defending the last cheddar biscuit in the basket at Red Lobster, Halle Berry verbally punched every paparazzo parked outside of her kid's school. A source close to Halle Berry who I'm sure isn't Halle Berry's publicist told E! News that the paps are always smearing themselves around Nahla's school and bitch had enough.

"It is inappropriate for these people to stalk a child's school everyday. They pushed too far [today]. Halle felt that her daughter was being threatened. Having words with someone who is stalking your family is not out of line."

As far as I know, the paps didn't get any shots of Nahla or any other kid leaving the school and this gave me an idea. The paps probably didn't take any pictures of Nahla, because they were too focused on documenting the crazy show Halle was giving them. That's why the schools where kids of celebrities go should hire a full-time crazy bitch to stand out in front and "shot block" the paps by going nuts. Schools have Crossing Guards, so they should have Don't Cross Me Guards too. The Don't Cross Me Guard will flip off the paps, scream at them, spit on their windshields and crack their lenses by flashing their half-shaven guts (in my defense, shaving your gut in the shower is hard work and I get bored after a while).

That sounds like my DREAM job, because I can't wait to officially enter the IDGAF phase of life. When I'm old, I'm just going to spend my days yelling at everyone and everything. When you reach a certain age, there's a good chance that everybody and everything in life has pissed you off at one point and you kept your mouth shut to be polite. But when you're old, you don't have to be polite anymore and you can tell a trick how you really feel. Yell at that leaf for being a leaf. Yell at the wind for being the wind. Yell at the rain for messing up your day by being the rain. Yell at everything!

So where do I submit my application for the Don't Cross Me Guard job? But you know, before I take the position, I should probably train with Julia Roberts for a couple days.