I hate those dumb piece of trash ass bitches who lose their minds over women feeding their babies in public, because if it wasn't for them there wouldn't be a need for this PSA starring a baby with terrifying CGI dentures. A talking baby is one thing, but a baby with veneers like a Real Housewife is another. The Louisville Mayor's Office is crazy for this one. Who really wants to breastfeed a baby with huge chompers like that? Breastfeeding is supposed to be a bonding experience and how can you bond with your baby when she's spitting out chewed up pieces of your nipple meat? When crazies start making straws for your nipples, you can blame this ad.
And Come On Everybody Dot Org?! Now I know who took Dlisted's original name.
Mila Kunis let out a capital N-O over a week ago after the rumor started that she had an all-naked That '70s Show reunion with Ashton Kutcher. Mila said the same shit you say when your friend accuses you of scooting your goods all over the town douche: We're just friends! We just drink tea together. Well, People says that over the weekend, Mila and Ashton spent three days together in Carpinteria, CA. During the three days, they ate sushi, bought flowers and had coffee, so yeah they're totally bumping nipples. Some source close to Ashton tells People that he has always farted hearts out of his eyes for Mila:
"He was so in love with her for a while when they worked together. He thought she was a goddess, was always talking about how beautiful she is. But she was with Macaulay [Culkin] for a lot of that time and also just generally gave off a not interested vibe. It never happened, but I'm not surprised by this – at all."
Ashton Kutcher is a certified asshole, but he's hot on the outside, so I totally understand that Mila wants to ride that shit until her poon lips fall off, but she needs to keep denying. Just deny, deny, deny away no matter what the media asks.
Media: Are you dating Ashton Kutcher?
Mila: No, we're just friends. This best friends forever half-heart pendant is from him and he's wearing the other half. Fuck buddies do not give each other BFF half-heart pendants. That's gross.
Media: Then why does your breath smell like a clean pussy?
Mila: Because I gargle with Massengill. If it's good enough for my vagina, it's good enough for my mouth.
Media: But we have these pictures of you with Ashton's peen in your mouth.
Mila: Talk about getting blown (no pun intended) out of proportion! We were having a sleepover and I forgot to bring my toothbrush. As a good friend, Ashton knows how much I care about dental hygiene, so he put Crest on his peen and let me brush my teeth with it. Do you expect me to use his toothbrush? Gross again!
Seriously, if you don't admit it, it didn't happen! And here's a few pictures from last week of Ashton trolling around NYC with a lady who isn't Mila Kunis. I'm only posing these stupid pictures, because Ashton's sweater looks like one of those delicious neopolitan candies.
Susan Sarandon's friends now know why every time there's a leak in her ceiling, she truly believes it's from a wire tapper in her attic dropping his glass of water after a rat jumped in front of him. During a Q&A about politics at the Tribeca Film Festival with fellow liberal activist Michael Moore, an audience member asked both of them if they've ever felt like they were under surveillance. Susan says something in the government milk definitely ain't clean, because her phone has been tapped and the White House isn't about to let her in. From HuffPo:
After an audience member asked the pair if they believed they were "under surveillance," Sarandon said she didn't just believe it, she knew it. "I've had my phone tapped ... I've gotten my file twice under the Freedom of Information Act," she said, before mentioning the security clearance snafu. She said she had no idea why the clearance was denied, and jokingly asked the questioner if he knew the reason. (The Huffington Post has reached out to the White House for comment.)
Moore, responding to a separate question, said he had been the target of a "disinformation campaign," possibly engineered by the federal government. "I was told this by some people in the Bush administration. They went bonkers when 'Fahrenheit' came out and thought it would throw the election to Kerry," he said, referring to his 2004 documentary "Fahrenheit 9/11," which came out five months before the election that pitted sitting president George W. Bush against Senator John Kerry.
The White House won't let Susan in because The Banger Sisters was a federal offense and somebody has to pay for it.
Maybe it's because I've listened to too many crazy ranting homeless prophets on the subway and I'm starting to believe them, but I was under the impression that the government is WATCHING ALL OF US. I thought all politicians and shit spend their day eating Bugles in their dirty panties on the sofa while watching us on the thousands of screens in front of them. Sort of like The Hunger Games but with less child murder. That's not a filling in your molar, that's an audio recording device. That's not a coat rack in your bedroom, that's a treadmill with a hidden camera in it.
Since the government is watching us at all times, can those motherfuckers please drop a tube of lube at the foot of my bed when I run out of lotion during fap times? I'm sure I have at least one sponsor who feels my pain.
If you were hoping that Lifetime would put down the crack pipe (a Lohan family heirloom) and come to their senses by casting their queen Meredith Baxter-Birney as Elizabeth Taylor in their basic cable biopic, you wasted all your hopes on that shit. Because Lifetime made it official last night by announcing that Lindsay Lohan, who isn't even hot enough to play Rip Taylor in a movie, will take on the role of La Liz in Liz & Dick (which you shouldn't confuse with the title of LiLo's upcoming memoirs, Lez & Dick).
Lifetime's VP of Programming, Rob Sharenow, queefed out a press release to Deadline and in it he made it perfectly clear that his thoughts are powered by White Oprah's ass farts. Think of all the words you'd use to describe LiLo (examples: haggard, beat, whory, etc..) Well, Rob used the opposite of those words:
Lindsay Lohan is set to star as the legendary Elizabeth Taylor in the Lifetime Original Movie Liz & Dick, based on the true story of the screen icon’s historic romance with actor Richard Burton. Principal photography on the movie will begin in early June in Los Angeles, it was announced today by Rob Sharenow, Executive Vice President, Programming, of Lifetime Networks.
Regarding the announcement, Lohan said, “I have always admired and had enormous respect for Elizabeth Taylor. She was not only an incredible actress but an amazing woman as well. I am very honored to have been asked to play this role.”
“We are thrilled Lindsay will portray beloved Hollywood legend Elizabeth Taylor,” added Sharenow. “She is one of the rare actresses who possesses the talent, beauty and intrigue to capture the spirit of such a provocative icon.”
Many hos (including your memaw who will definitely call you up after watching this mess to ask, "Why did The Albino from Princess Bride play Elizabeth Taylor?") aren't happy about this and one of those hos is Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie O was one of the heads, along with Star Jones and Donny Deutsch, on the Today show's cerberus of terror this morning and she let it be known that she's turning her thumb down to this shit:
Rosie: I feel very sorry for her. I think she needs a lot of time away. She's had a lot of trouble doing every single movie including SNL. She was out and not in rehearsal. I think she's not in a place to work."
Star: I used to think she was extremely talented, but I have not seen enough of her as an actress in recent years to really make an evaluation.
Donnie: It's a great idea. She's our generation's Elizabeth Taylor. The only one-
Rosie: You're out of your mind! You're a crackhead! Get out of here! The last thing she did good she was 16! ......I don't think she's right for the role and I don't think she's capable at this point of doing what is needed to portray that character.
I know the story here should be that some of us need to take a group Silkwood Shower together since we've been tainted with the feeling of actually agreeing with Star and Rose, but the real story here is that Donny Douche hates Elizabeth Taylor as much as Lifetime does.
The Illuminati's very own Brangelina kept up the stunts last night by joining claws while doing the LOOK AT US strut past the paparazzi at the opening of Scott Disick's restaurant in NYC. Scott Isadick opened his new Patrick Bateman-themed restaurant called American Psycho Grill, which serves cheese-stuffed roasted rat and a noodle dish named Chop Huey Lewis and the News. No, I wish. Scott opened up a Japanese restaurant in the Meatpacking District called RYU, because he knows so much about Japanese food. Please, that restaurant is a front. It's obviously the East Coast whore headquarter's for the Kuntrashian's whore activities.
Why do you think Kanye Kardashian née West was there? As soon as Kanye walked through the doors, Pimp Mama Kris took him to a back room where he was officially baptized into the Kuntrashian Klan by spilling his bladder water onto the forehead of Kim Kardashian's ass (yes, her ass is so big it has a forehead) as Khloe branded the mark of the dark side (aka the letter "K") into one of his ass lips with a heated bronzer stick. Kanye is officially a Kardashian. And now you know why Jesus walks. It's because he's going to the nearest computer station in heaven to unfriend Kanye on Facebook.
In other Kuntrashian non-news, Kim tells Paper that she's famous because of the Internet (Note: That right there is the number one reason Time Warner operators will hear when they ask, "And why are you canceling your Internet today?") and she loves blowing fake tanner kisses at her haters:
"I love writing them back. People will write me, 'My phone battery lasts longer than Kim Kardashian's marriage,' and I'll write back, 'Oh, which phone is that?'
When people are so stupid, you just have to have fun with it. Someone [without a profile photo] will say I'm fat, or a hairy Armenian, and I'll write back, 'Oh, that egg picture of yours is so gorgeous.'"
Kim's koochie will give you a burning sensation and so will her comebacks. Of course Kim responds to her haters, what else is she going to do between doing nothing and doing nothing?
Are you a lady who woke up this morning, looked down and thought to yourself, "Pussy, how does it work?" Well, don't worry about spending the rest of your day searching through your kitchen junk drawer for your pussy instruction manual, because singing gynecologist Brian McKnight (the "Knight" stands for white knight of non-working pussies) is using the power of song to teach you where to find the start button on that pussay. But just so we're clear, Brian McKnight is not talking about this kind of pussy:
The professor of pussyology started Trending on Twatter last night after he released a preview of a coochie carol that will be on his new adult mix-tape. It's the Brian McKnight song of Brian McKnight songs. Here's a little taste of the lyrics and a little warning, your pussy might start working as soon you read these beautiful words. So warn the bitches around you.
Let me show how your pussy works since you didn't bring it to me first/I have a lot of things to show you if you're ready to learn/Let me show you how your pussy works/Bet you didn't know that it can squirt
My pussy started working and I don't even have a pussy (contrary to popular belief)! Thank you, Brian McKnight for teaching me how pussies work. And now the half-broken jukebox in my head can stop playing "Itsjust my three second ruuuu-uuuuuuuule" on a loop and start playing "Let me show you how your pussay weeeeeeeeeeerqs."
Mel Gibson decided that the only way to escape his bad image was to move back to Australia and blend in with the locals. - youarestupid
They haven't quite perfected the face transplant surgery in Australia. - daisy100
You know the feeding tube diet trend is getting out of hand when wild animals start to join in. - lightlysweet
via WOW Report
Thinking about the Rose Petal Place the other day dolls got me thinking about another treasure from the 80s: P.J. Sparkles! P.J. Sparkles was a refugee from the Toddlers & Tiaras orphanage who became a raver's dream come true thanks to the blinking lights all over her body. A P.J. Sparkles movie was made in the 90s and I remember watching a little bit of it, but I don't remember the plot that sounds like something straight out of an acid trip. Seriously, if you drop a pink Ecstasy pill right before watching a glow stick show, the plot of the P.J. Sparkles movie will play in your head. From Wiki:
The P.J. Sparkles doll came with an animated movie in which a young orphan girl named P.J. living in Mrs. Omally's Orphanage rides out one night on the orphanage's withered old horse Blaze. Every time P.J. makes a friend, they're adopted and P.J. finds herself alone again, so she goes out to wish on a star for someone to love her. P.J. soon finds herself in Twinkle Town, a small village full of nameless children who have also been wishing for a leader to love and guide them. Also, Blaze's appearance has changed and he can talk. P.J. takes on the last name Sparkles, gives the children of Twinkle Town names, and becomes their leader. However, the neighbors, The Cloak and his wife Betty are displeased with the color and bright light that P.J. has brought to the town, and try to sabotage her efforts.
Twinkle Town? Children who don't know their own damn names? Wishing for a leader to love and guide them? Where I come from, that's called a cult for ravers! They're all drinking the Kool-Aid and the Kool-Aid is spiked with acid. Where do I sign up?
And here's P.J. Sparkles in action:
"Oh, P.J. Sparkles, I love you too...until your damn blinking lights trigger my seizures!"
Barbra Streisand (70)
Tyson Ritter (28)
Kelly Clarkson (30)
Austin Nichols (32)
Danny Gokey (32)
Eric Balfour (35)
Derek Luke (38)
Melinda Clarke (43)
Mark Vaderloo (44)
Patty Schemel (45)
Dijmon Hounsou (48)
Cedric the Entertainer (48)
Eric Bogosian (59)
Jean-Paul Gaultier (60)
Sue Grafton (72)
Shirley MacLaine (78)
Richard Donner (82)
I was at Jezebel a little while ago and the headline "Real Housewives’ Simon van Kempen Ejaculated on His Wife While She Gave Birth to Their Son" unlocked the picture-making part of my brain that shat out the sucio image of Simon jacking it over Alex's half-naked body as their son Francois slid out of her coochie, took one look at Simon squeezing his peen, learned real quick how to say "fuckthis" and crawled back up into his mother's body where it's safe. That image will stay with me forever and I'll bring it out every time I need to scare my nightmares away. But that's not exactly how it went.
In their two year-old book Little Kids, Big City (aka The OverFuckingSharing Diaries), Alex McCord, formerly of The Real Housewives of NYC, writes about how her creepy husband pushed out a load of baby batter in his panties as she pushed out the finish product. It's kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake! Okay, I just made it grosser, so I'll let Alex take it from here:
Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he'd actually ejaculated though hadn't felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it's not too far a stretch to say that it's a profound experience.
Kinky fucks! Even Alicia Silverstone is like, "jaldkfjaoubiuoubiuoaudfkl." Alicia's son was eating chewed tofu from her mouth while she said it so that's why you can't really understand her, but what she said was, "Too far.... TOO FAR!"
You know, Simon and Alex bring new meaning to the word "creepy" but shit (on the labor table) and jizz (in the pants while your wife is birthing out your baby) happens! This is still not something I needed to know today or any other today.