To prepare for this Saturday's White House Correspondents' Dinner, the White House staff is gluing down all valuables and mirrors since Lindsay Lohan will be there as Greta Van Susteren's guest. And now the White House staff has to also glue down all black dicks too, because Kim Kuntrashian has been invited for the second time. Yeah, I'm talking about the White House Correspondents' Dinner and not the Whore House Correspondents' Dinner. (I would totally buy a ticket to the Whore House Correspondents' Dinner, by the way.)
Mediate says that Kim and Pimp Mama Kris will be there as guests of Fox News. The rest of the guest list isn't as whorey and I'm hoping LiLo and Kim's table will be in the back alley and they'll have to watch the event on an analog TV while the Secret Service offers them a Washington for a quick handy. The rest of the guest list includes: Daniel Day-Lewis, Uggie the Dog, Dakota Fanning, Sofia Vergara, Charlize Theron, Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, The Mythbusters, Zooey Deschanel, Stevie Wonder, George Clooney, Goldie Hawn, Sookeh & Beehl, Fred Armisen, William Levy and Aziz Ansari.
And then there's LiLo and Kim...
I think I learned in science class that the sign God needs to end civilization by hitting the red button in his home office is a Lohan shaking hands with the President just as the First Lady compliments a Kuntrashian on her pearl necklace. No, I'm just being melodramatic as usual. Nobody's going to notice those pieces of trash since all the attention in the room will be on Snooki (as a guest of MTV) and Courtney Stodden (as a guest of InTouchWeekly).
Today is a day we all pissed in a toilet (unless you're Ke$hit or the OctoKids), which means it's another day when we all get to hear Jennifer Aniston's feelings about her ex-piece marrying the Alexis to her Krystle. Hollywood Life fired up the fuckery train first when they said Jennifer is happy for Brangie and will go to the wedding if she's invited. That story earned 5 out of 5 Zahara Up-Eyes on the foolery scale. Then E! News said that Jennifer's feelings about the Brangie wedding are as indifferent as Brad's feelings about shampooing (2 out of 5 Zahara Up-Eyes). Then The National Enquirer broke the foolery scale and caused Zahara to up-eye so hard that her eyeballs are stuck in that position forever when they said that the Brangie wedding news made Jennifer do the slow-motion wall slide while punching at her Angie Jolie voodoo doll. Well, now it's UsWeekly's turn and their source says Jennifer isn't sliding against any walls since unlike the tabloids (and my stupid ass) she has moved on centuries ago.
The source says that Jennifer has taken Brad, put him in the middle of a giant sheet of Reynolds Wrap and sculpted a foil swan around him before handing her lukewarm leftovers to Angie. The source went on to say this about Jennifer's feelings on her foil swan's upcoming wedding, "She hates it being brought up because she doesn't really care. She feels Angelina can have him. She just wants to move on. Jen's totally happy with Justin. That's all in the past."
This back and forth is never going to end. Jen's PR team (who looks like this) plants one story and Brangie's PR team (who looks like this) responds by planting another. Since Jennifer Aniston only talks about Brad and Angie when she has a movie to whore out, can't she shoot one of her rom-coms in one afternoon (that's how long it takes, right?) and release it the day after tomorrow. Then she can spend tomorrow promoting that shit and she can finally break her legendary silence on this highly important matter. Then the tabloids can finally move on to more newsworthy stories like how Zahara and Maddox are scrappin' over who gets to be maid of honor.
What ho hasn't drunkenly pissed in the dirt on the side of the highway as flat bed trucks go driving by and who hasn't squatted over a bar bathroom sink when the line for the regular toilet is too long? Every ho has! But of course, Garbage Pail Skank Ke$hit thinks she's the first trick to do it and bragged about it to her Twatter followers (via UsWeekly) by sharing this picture with them. I know, she's SO hardcore. I'd be more surprised if Ke$ha Tweeted a picture of herself using actual unused toilet paper to wipe. Ke$ha also added this note to the picture, which confirms that when she's not making musical herpes, she's writing spam e-mails:
pee pee on the street. PoPo come n get me if u can find meeee. I blame traffik.
PoPo? More like the health department. Think of all dogs who now have VD warts on their noses from sniffing on Ke$ha's piss puddle (Yes, her coochie warts are so potent they can infect airborne). No, but seriously, if Ke$ha wasn't a dumb a$$, she wouldn't have given this picture out for free. Kim Kardashian made millions of dollars thanks to piss and Ke$ha ain't got shit to show for it except pee stains in her chonies. Either keep it to yourself or #getmoneybitch.
And where was the Deputy Sheriff of PAPP (Pepaws Against Public Pissing) when we needed him most?
Due to the recent hospitalization of several of their students, the Helen Keller School for the Blind sued "Cat in the Box" for failing to include Braille directions. - atlantapug
Tired of Disney paying below union scale wages, Tigger ships off to Seacrest Productions, where every talentless pussy becomes a star! - sybil
When Bieber received his housewarming present from Selena, it came with very specific guidelines. - SteelCityGirl
via Gravy Holocaust
Lady Godiva, the delicate beauty who took pity on the people of Romania for not having enough elegance (and bare ass cracks) in their lives and gave it to them by riding on the back of a bike through the streets in all her naked glory. Motorists got pictures of the beauty riding bareback without protection after the police pulled her and her driver over. They didn't pull her over for abusing her punane lips by chafing them on a hot leather seat or for pulling a STUNT QUEEN trick that Courtney Stodden will pull on her 18th birthday. Lady Godiva was busted for not wearing a helmet! Yes, bitch only got in trouble for not wearing a hard condom on her head. Oh, Romania, let's hold hands, because I think I'm in love with you. One witness put it like this to Metro UK:
"The officer was a traffic cop and the only traffic offence she'd committed was in not wearing a helmet.
So he gave her a warning and a ticket and told her and her companion to ride on."
If you've ever wanted to feel the tingles as exhaust fumes touch your bare asshole, get yourself to Romania!
I'm glad that Lady Godiva was taught the importance of protecting her head, but what about her other parts? Somebody really needs to make pussy and titty helmets for situations like this. And if you want to see Lady Godiva's nalgas side smile at the drivers of Romania, (NSFWish) click here.
Michael Damian (50)
Ms. Dynamite (31)
Jordana Brewster (32)
Channing Tatum (32)
Tyler Labine (34)
Tom Welling (35)
Shondrella Avery (41)
Melania Trump (42)
Marianne Jean-Baptiste (45)
Kevin James (47)
Jet Li (49)
Debra Wilson (50)
Joan Chen (51)
Giancarlo Esposito (54)
Giorgio Moroder (72)
Carol Burnett (79)
What Hollywood couple – he’s a rocker, she’s a pop star – have an open marriage where hubby can still hook up with GUYS? The blonde mom is so done with playing the happy homemaker role that she’s telling pals she’s ready to go solo! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Are we sure there isn't a typo in that blind and they really mean "poop" star? That would make this blind about Fishsticks Paltrow since she is obsessed with poop (see: all the posts dedicated to colonics, cleanses and shit on GOOP). Naw, it can't be about Fishy since the only man ass Chris Martin puts his head in is his own. So that leaves Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale?
Which super-famous female pop star, known for her “bad girl” reputation, has been secretly hooking up with women? The sexy singer has been frequenting European strip clubs, getting lap dances, then taking the raunchiest performer back to her hotel! (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)
Super famous female pop star and bad girl? That could only be one bitch: DETECTIVE LA TOYA! Exhibit: EVERYTHING.
In Hollywood, it’s popular to be socially liberal and a Democrat. This handsome American actor is an industry leader in supporting Democratic Party candidates. He has donated his time and money and creative fundraising ability to many Democratic causes. However, he has a secret about the way that he votes that only his close friends know. He publicly talks like a Democratic Party loyal. But he actually votes Republican. A lot. (Blind Gossip)
Stacy Keibler now knows why she hears elephant sounds coming from George Clooney's closet. She just figured it was another kink he's into.
Tilda Swinton and her white jumpsuit from David Bowie's closet wins over all these trollops. As usual. - The Berry
FYI: Stepford Katie has not been turkey basted with a drop of L. Ron Hubbard's frozen load again - Lainey Gossip
Normally I'd be grossed out by snobby hos thinking they're better than certain pieces of trash, but in this case I'll slow clap for Beyonce instead - The Superficial
Does Obama take requests, because he'll have my vote if coos out his rendition of the Brian McKnight classic "Let Me Show You How Your Pussy Werks" - Towleroad
Claire Danes looks like an old Fruit Roll-Up (flavor: menstrual berry) - Celebitchy
On a positive note...at least Mischa Barton got a job - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Carrie Underwood's cousin Sara Jean (I made that up) in Men's Fitness - Hollywood Tuna
The babies with memaw names trend continues thanks to Jack Osbourne - ICYDK
Mila Kunis' shiny coochie cutters remind me of the shiny silver shorty shorts I had in the first grade. I accidentally shit in them while in class one day. Children laughed at me. Thank you for opening that scar, Mila! - Popoholic
The film debut supercut, part II - The Daily What
This should be made into a line of toilet paper - Cityrag
Courtney Stodden being the natural and graceful swan that she is - Hollywood Rag
Couldn't Hillary Clinton bring out her velvet scrunchie (with the metal bead border) for an occasion like this? - Just Jared
Please tell me Jason Segel didn't go on the feeding tube diet - I'm Not Obsessed
Awkward kiss is awkward - Popsugar
Today is the 10th anniversary of the death of Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes and TLC has used this day to announce to TMZ that they are in the middle of planning a reunion tour that will take over the US sometime this year. T-Boz and Chilli have already booked 5 cities and are planning many, many more. Fire up your side-eye making muscle, because you'll feel the need to throw some eye shade after reading the next sentence. The same digital black magic that brought Tupac to life at Coochella will bring Left Eye back to life on tour and TLC plans to dance next to her hologram on stage. And the start of the hologram revolution begins. We're all doomed!
A bitch has to get paid, I know, but does everything have to be hologram this and hologram that? If I want to see a vision of something that really isn't there, I'll just do drugs. Shit. That's what normal people do. Oh well, it could be a lot worse. At least they're not bringing O'So Krispie on tour....
I hate myself for remembering R U The Girl.
Let's go way back in time to the year I was born when catalog touch-ups were done with lead-based paint and mongoose hair and when Victoria's Secret truly cared about background ambiance. I didn't even know Victoria's Secret was alive in 1979, but it was and Fashionising brought out these pictures from their catalog. Oh those were the days when a panty model's marabou feather slippers were as fluffy as her crotch bush and her hair was always done up like a fourth-string bridesmaid at a Texas wedding. The VS catalog was much more realistic back then too. Don't act like you didn't know that every grown woman in 1979 did needlepoint in her lingerie while hanging out with her girlfriends in her grandma's "nice" living room. I bet grandma slapped the baby's breath out of that woman's hair when she found a stray pube on her oriental rug.
And I know what the model with skin the color of creme brûlée was doing before this shoot. She was the one sunbathing on her driveway for hours and you know she used Vaseline instead of suntan oil.