Three things. First, Freddie Prinze Jr. still exists and still breathes in the same oxygen we all breathe in even though he rarely graces the screen with his completely organic and not at all wood-like acting skills that make a cardboard Keanu Reeves cutout look like the reincarnation of Laurence Fucking Olivier. Freddie's just a stay-at-home dad now, slaving away in the kitchen making sandwiches like all good stay-at-home dads do. Second, Freddie's going to have to make more sandwiches, because Sarah Michelle Gellar got knocked up again. Third and most important, why can't I stop eating rice pudding baby food at night? How did this happen? I'm not even doing it as a role playing thing and I'm not even adding rum to that shit. Is this what it feels like to be Jennifer Aniston? Am I finally matching my eating habits to my IQ (no offense to rice pudding-eating babies with new brains that aren't fully warmed up)?
Anyillprobablybewearingdiapersandafuckingbonnetnext, Sarah Michelle Gellar's got a womb full of baby! A source tells People that Freddie and Sarah Michelle's 2-year-old daughter Charlotte Grace is going to be somebody's sister soon.
“She and Freddie are thrilled. They love their little girl more than anything in the world and know that love will only multiply. She is such a fantastic mom; it is just great news.”
Their love will only multiply? Who says that shit? I didn't know Paula Anka was one of People's sources.
The three of us who watch Ringer aren't surprised by this news since Bridget/Shavon (I'm too lazy to spell it the fancy way) was looking swole in the torso on the season finale. And yes, not only did I admit that I eat rice pudding baby food for dinner, but I also admitted that I watched Ringer in its entirety. You should probably have my landlord check on me later, because with the way that things are going it's only a matter of time before I overdose on baby food, pass out face-first into my boyfriend pillow and lie there in a coma as my 12 cats (they magically showed up when I started eating baby food) chew my fingers off.
To become greener, ABC decides to harness the hot air from The View. - magusxxx
After Zac Efron's stunt queen move of dropping a condom on the red carpet failed to garner enough press, his PR bitch orchestrated something grander. - SteelCityGirl
In more boring parts of America, Outdoor Vaporizing has become a competitive, almost Olympic sport. - squiggy
The Duggar brood take their parents to the park and drop some not-too-subtle hints on their folks. - Skinnymalinky
These are the barf bags needed to get through the next 3 seasons of the Kardashians. - WhoDatSaintsFan
Because purple and red together is so now, here's the glamorous new Purple Crab that was found on the island of Palawan in the Philippines by scientists. Scientists are trying to tell us that these Purple Crabs only exist on Palawan, because the ocean has kept them from traveling farther, but hooooooo please. Those scientists have a bunch of fancy degrees and have studied all sorts of rare crabs from untouched exotic islands and Parasite Hilton's pussy, but I know glamour. The purple body.... The red polish on those claws... The twinkle of attitude in those eyes... The Purple Crab didn't originate in the Philippines, it originated on Prince's crotch! This crustacean formerly known as the Purple Crab is now known as the Prince Crab. Update your files, crab scientists!
And you are wrong if you try to order the Prince Crab at Red Lobster this weekend.
Casey Kasem (80)
Allison Iraheta (20)
William Moseley (25)
Patrick Stump (28)
Ari Graynor (29)
Sally Hawkins (36)
Nigel Barker (40)
Kylie Travis (42)
James LeGros (50)
Sheena Easton (53)
Ace Frehley (61)
Kate Pierson (64)
Ann Peebles (65)
Cuba Gooding, Sr. (68)
Anouk Aimee (80)
Jack Klugman (90)
Seen here on the Glee set today looking like Gollum's cig-addicted mother who works at the last truck stop before Mordor, Lindsay Lohan's pristine reputation as a responsible, hard-working, polite and pleasant employee remains non-existent! LiLo worked on the Glee set for a total of 3 days (counting today) and so far a cast member has eye rolled her on Twitter and hos have described her as a "nightmare." White Oprah just lifted her head off of a bartender's body after doing a shot out of his belly button and said, "That's my little mess!"
E! News says that LiLo's first day of shooting actually caused a few crew members to die of shock, because she showed up on time, knew her lines and was completely professional. Well, did you think LiLo would deprive the cast of crew from experiencing her signature spoiled cunt theatrics? Of course not. For her second day of shooting yesterday, LiLo showed up 3 hours late and acted like she didn't want to be there even though she should be polishing everyone's taint with her tongue for giving her a chance. Dot Marie Jones, who plays Coach Bieste, Tweeted and then deleted this yesterday morning:
"Gonna be a long day!! Some ppl show up late and just throw a wrench in things. Not cool! I'd rather be an hour early (I was) than 5 minutes late."
E!'s source added that she "did not want to work. She had not memorized her lines, and she kept disappearing so no one could find her."
LiLo's rep Steve Honig, who must have broken dozens of pairs of stress balls with his butt cheeks while lying for this ho, did his job by defending her ass:
"The production team came to us and said that they wanted to start [with Lindsay] right after lunch, which was at 2. They wanted to begin with Lindsay at 3, so that meant she had a lot of time where she wasn't doing anything. That's why people didn't see her. She was then in hair and makeup and began after lunch at 3. If there was a problem yesterday, I would have just said 'no comment,' however I can't ignore this because this is utter B.S. This is a classic example of people trying to bash Lindsay. She busted her ass yesterday and is back on set again today."
Steve Honig is so good at spitting the bull shit that if you ever need someone to call in sick for you when you're not sick or to tell your boyfriend that you didn't cheat on him with some trick from the bar when you did, he's the dude you need in your life.
Another Glee source said that LiLo showed up on time today and has been on her best behavior so far.
When it comes to showing up on time, LiLo is like my cousins. If you want their tardy for the party asses to show up at 5, you have to tell them to be there at 2. If the producers of Glee expected her to always be on set, they should've shot all her scenes at the bar at Chateau Marmont. If they wanted her to memorize lines, they should've wrote those lines on a coke-snorting mirror. They didn't even try to work with her! The producers brought this upon themselves and they only have themselves to blame. Signed, White Oprah.
(stunning portrait of LiLo via Pacific Coast News)
Right after Mo'Nique tried to break Precious' spirit by nearly hitting her on top of the head with a free falling TV, Joan Cusack tried to gently break Gabourey Sidibe's Hollywood dreams by telling her the same shit Stephanie Yellowhair would tell me if I said I wanted to work the stroll: "You just don't have the looks to work, bitch." During a game of Plead the 5th on Watch What Happens Live last night, Andy Cohen asked Gaby what celebrity she was most disappointed by after meeting them (at the 1:14 mark in the video below) and this came out of her mouth:
"It's not in a mean way because I know she meant well. I met Joan Cusack, who is my favorite, favorite, and she... I love her. It was before I became whatever and I was like at some industry party and she says, 'Are you an actress?' And I said, 'Yeah.' And she says, 'Oh honey, you should really quit the business. It's so image conscious.' I think she really, really meant it in a good way... I think she really, really did, so no shade to her, but I was like, 'Oh, but I love you, please don't tell me to quit my job.'"
Joan is right. Hollywood usually only gets hard up for beauties, but if Joan's ass is still getting work, then they must not be that image obsessed. I'm sure Joan meant in a "this business will turn you into an insecure heffa and before you know it you'll be getting daytime chin lipo and an earlobe transplant to stay in the game" kind of way. Or Joan was just being an unfiltered bitch. I hope it's the latter, because we really need more bitches at the bitch table.
John Travolta isn't wearing a wallet chain! John is not THAT tacky, thankyouverymuch. That's just a leash for his butt plug so it doesn't get lost up in there. - Lainey Gossip
Mila Kunis plays it right and will never admit to having sexual intercourse with that douche - The Superficial
Future Headine: Kris Jenner sues the producers of The Dictator for using footage from Khloe Kardashian's birth - Towleroad
Sam MerLESS is now part owner of Brit Brit Spears - Celebitchy
What in the name of Solid Gold meets MC Hammer Hell is JLo wearing? - Hollywood Tuna
Christina Milian's 1985 prom hair is causing me to suffer from hairspray inhalation - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
The ghost of Blake Lively's future isn't looking totally fugged up - Popoholic
What a beautiful Levitz showroom - The Berry
Should I make an uncalled for Jessica Simpson joke or do you want to do the honors? - ICYDK
Either Suri is really into that cupcake or she's eating whatever is left of Katie's soul with her eyes - Popsugar
RiRi's gramps can't believe he got out of his La-Z-Boy recliner to come to this shit - Crunk + Disorderly
I'm mad that when I clicked "get the look" it didn't take me to Olgivie's website - Just Jared
Let me fix that for you, Tara: "You are a mess, you have to go out and eat an entire bottle of vodka." - Celebslam
The puggle shuffle - Cityrag
One word: JAPAN - Videogum
Oh how the mighty who were never mighty have fallen - OMG Blog
Wearing a dress from Charo's wardrobe is yet another shit decision made by Kim Zolciak - I'm Not Obsessed
You know you're about to witness the performance of the
year month week day hour when it starts with the star feeding a bunch of kangaroos. Here's Deb "Spoons" Perry, the most talented Perry of all the Perrys, slapping the nickel off some spoons while SPOONING FOR HER LIFE to The Black Keys' "Lonely Boy." When Granny Spoon's grandchildren talk sass, she can slap them in the mouth with her spoon while making beautiful music. Work them spoons, granny.
A-Rod, the Christina Hendricks of major league baseball, has moved on from Cameron Diaz to another naranja-skinned blonde with a torso like the Hulk's muscled shaft, but she'll forever hold a special place deep within the six-pack on his roided-up heart. The Insider's Kevin Frazier interviewed A-Rod for some reason and asked him about his past pieces. A-Rod lit up like a trick just stuck a roid needle in his ass and the nipples on his magnificent MVCs (most valuable chichis) puckered when he started talking about Cameron Diaz. via Page Six:
“I don’t like talking about my relationships, but I will tell you about CD: She’s probably one of the greatest human beings I’ve ever met, and just an amazing light.”
I typed out that shade throwing headline before I really thought about this. A-Rod is a simple bitch, so my ass is assuming that he considers Cameron the greatest human being alive, because she never flinched while massaging Lubriderm into his under titty crevices and she's always got a Ziploc bag full of the good shit in her pocket. And when he said she's "just an amazing light" he meant that she's an experienced stoner who can steadily hold a lighter over a bowl while doing bong hits in the back of a pick-up truck driving on a bumpy dirt road during a windy night. So if that's what A-Rod means, I won't say that the roids must've crept up into his brain and ate the part that stores all the memories of most of the human beings he's met. No, I won't.
Here's the greatest human being A-Rod has ever met at CinemaCon in Las Vegas yesterday.
When TMZ said last month that OctoMom was getting $2,000 a month in food stamps, I couldn't figure out how she could feed a family of 26 (including her multiple personalities) on such little money. Well, I don't have to worry about the OctoKids eating each other's boogers for nourishment while locked in their baby prison, because she said in an interview with Good Morning America that she's actually getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month from California taxpayers. It's good to know that when Octo feeds her child army breakfast by putting out a giant bowl of water in the backyard, she pours Cheerios brand Cheerios in there instead of the generic brand Cheerios that come in a plastic bag. You know which one I'm talking about.
Octo was on GMA to defend herself against those pictures of her Baby House of Terror. Octo's hairstylist, the one she paid $520 for a Brazilian Blowout, ratted a bitch out by giving the pictures to TMZ and the La Habra Police Department. Octo told GMA that she was set up and it's not as bad as it looks.
On her chirruns bonding with nature by going caca in potty training toilets in the backyard, because her indoor plumbing was busted: “She (the hairstylist) thought it was unacceptable that they’re, you know, half-naked, goin’ potty. I mean, moms out there, come on.” (Note: The toilets in her house are fixed now.)
On how she didn't lock her children up in the bedroom. She put the chair there to keep them out: “I didn’t want the kids to go in there at the time and one of my older kids jammed the chair up there so they wouldn’t keep opening and closing the door."
On how she paid $520 to maintain her hair beauty when she's on public assistance and doesn't have a steady job: Octo says the $520 included a Brazilian Blowout and haircuts for the entire family. "I am making money, though. I have jobs and can afford it."
On how she's getting $4,000 to $5,000 a month in food stamps: "It’s almost over. This is our last month on help."
Why do her 15 thousand kids need haircuts, anyway? Suze Orman needs to nail this bitch with another clue. You don't need to pay someone to cut your kid's hair when you can do it yourself. Kids can have jacked up hair, they're kids! Growing up middle class, my mom could afford to take us to MasterCuts, but when she didn't feel like it she took us to the backyard and cut our mops herself. All you need is a pair of scissors, two semi-working hands and the ability to hold in a laugh when your kid ends up with a haircut from the HERP DERP look book. My sister's hair couldn't look more fucked up if she cut it herself in the garbage disposal. It had layers, alright, and each layer was more messed up than the next. It was the 80s, though, so we just looked New Wave. See, Octo's kids can bring back New Wave glamour!
And as for Octo, bitch's hair looks fine and it doesn't need a blow job from Brazil. What Octo needs to do is go out into nature, lay down on the dirt and wait until some stupid birds mistake those bushy brows for hairy caterpillars. Let their beaks fix her eyebrow situation, because it needs fixing bad.