Archives

Don't let the sweet, innocent, puppy dog-loving, slightly wonky face fool you. Josh Hutcherson, that's Peeta Bread from The Hunger Games to you and me, is a hard criminal who pisses on the law. (That sound you hear is Kim Kardashian rolling her ass to the court house to legally change her name to "The Law.") TMZ has a picture of 19-year-old Peeta Bread leaving a Ralph's in Sherman Oaks, CA with a plastic bag full of a bottle of whisky. The source behind this groundbreaking expose tells TMZ that Josh used a fake ID to buy the $170 bottle of Macallan. All together now: ESCANDALO!

TMZ lets us know that Ralph's has opened up an investigation into this SCANDAL and will take any steps necessary. Translation: They will take steps towards the cashier who sold Josh that whisky and hand them a THIS BITCH QUITS YOU slip. Josh's rep had nothing to say about this highly important story, but a couple of weeks ago he dropped some foreshadowing shit on TMZ when he told their cameras that the legal drinking age in the US should be 18 since you only have to be 18 to go to war.

Who hasn't committed an act of fraud by buying the sweet nectar with a fake ID? If you didn't have a fake ID, then you probably stood outside of a 7-Eleven trying to convince adults to live on the edge by buying you beer. We all have! The real story here is that Peeta Bread is able to afford the fancy shit. That bitch should have to suffer through the Strawberry Hill barfs like all of us did when we were teenagers. That's the true crime being committed here.

And I'm also side-eyeing that plastic bag, because every time I go to the Albertson's near my mom's house in an "unincorporated" part of L.A., they get all Bette Midler on my ass when I forget to bring my own bags since plastic bags are banned there. They charge me for a stupid ass paper bag. But I'm not going to complain about the ban on plastic bags in my mom's city, because it does keep the Kardashians out since they're not biodegradable either.

Long before Angelina Jolie's name became the first shit to pop up after doing a Google search for "Angelina," there was an Angelina with some true talent, natural glamour, sweet moves and spot-on beauty instincts (see: the stunning mane of ebony and gold locks spilling out of her head). Angelina (no last name necessary) was a freestyle superstar from the 90s whose album (THE album) took my family reunions my storm. Slap the Angelina CD into the player and you can guarantee that my cousin will jump up on a backyard bench and treat it like her own personal go-go box. Sometimes we'd go into one of the bedrooms, make it dark by putting foil over the windows and dance to that shit while one of us flicked the light switch on an off (aka a ghetto strobe light). We were way too old to be acting like that, but that's the kind of effect Angelina has on a ho. Make the room dark, flick the lights on and off, and get into this:

Take note: A true superstar lead singer never EVER wastes energy on doing the dance moves full out (that's what the background hos are for) and the Matrix business woman suit is something everyone needs in their closet.

Harry Shum Jr. (30)
Jenna Ushkowitz (26)
Jessica Alba (31)
Nate Richert (34)
Penelope Cruz (38)
Jorge Garcia (39)
Elisabeth Rohm (39)
Bridget Moynahan (41)
Too Short (46)
Kim Gordon (59)
Mary McDonnell (60)
Jay Leno (62)
Paul Guilfoyle (63)
Ann-Margaret (71)
Harper Lee (86)

"Oh thiiiiiiis is the niiiiiiight, it's a beeeeeaaautiful niiiiight. And we caaaaaaall it bellaaaaa noooootte." - Just Jared

Isn't it British royal tradition that on a prince's first wedding anniversary, his brother has to give the world the gift of paper with a picture of his royal jewels on it? - Lainey Gossip

Jalouse Magazine's make-up artist gave Kristen Stewart the strung out raccoon look - The Berry

The OctoMom department of Child Protective Services can take the weekend off - The Superficial

Johnny Depp's 10-year-old has the musical tastes of a 45-year-old strip club bouncer - Celebitchy

Don't all ten thousand of those paparazzos know that they can get the exact same shots by taking pictures of chipmunks in the park? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Presenting...Collista Gingrich - Towleroad

Gold-plated camel toe provided by Michelle Hunzikersomething - Hollywood Tuna

Amanda Seyfried's dog friend sort of has Harvey Dent face - Popoholic

Kristen Stewart's Anita Bryant meets Jackie O hair is not the look for her - ICYDK

I think I'd rather see Eric Roberts in a bra - IDLYITW

You know you're a special trick who can keep the "marriage" word off your tongue when George Clooney extends your contract past awards season - Popsugar

Hugh Grant is not into mollycoddling (no that isn't some kind of fetish involving MDMA) - I'm Not Obsessed

But where's the room where Derek Jeter keeps all the autographed baseballs he gives his one time fuck partners? - Cityrag

Either JoJo is nipple-less or she knows the secret to keeping them hidden while in a completely wet white tank top - Hollywood Rag

Put this shit on mute and you've got the perfect Friday night fapping material - OMG Blog

How can those two dudes with Amber Rose keep their hands from snatching that parched animal off of her bald head? - Crunk + Disorderly

As everyone prays that Snooki gets as big as Jessica Simpson - SOW

(Picture via Bauer Griffin)

Are you looking for an outfit to wear to Jason's Sister Wife Circa 1988 theme party? What about the perfect black gown to wear while walking barefoot down a sidewalk runaway to 70s porn music? Or the perfect turquoise dress to wear while talking to your friends around a fire hydrant in a parking lot?

Two words: (read in the whisper of a pedophile hiding in the closet) Faaaashion Shack.

via Videogum

It seems like every month some magazine is stripping the coats of lacquer off of the faces of celebrities and semi-celebrities to show regular women that these famous hos look just like you in their natural states, and this time it was People's turn. People (via Jezebel & Buzzfeed) gave the face painter the day off and took pictures of Zooey Deschanel, Paris Jackson (below), Megan Draper from Mad Men (below), Lily Collins (below), Sandra Lee (I need that picture on my eyeballs NOW), Rose Byrne, Paula Patton and Julie Bowen. The SANS FARDS portrait everyone is talking about is Zooey Deschanel's, because most of us didn't think it was possible for her to remove the doll lashes or scrub away the pink rouge that is splattered on her cheeks to look like somebody pinched her for being so adorkable. Zooey kind of looks like she just got up from her 4th hangover nap of the day. It's kind of weird seeing Zooey look like a grown woman and not like a Kewpie Doll in a brown Holly Hobbie wig.

And Paris Jackson, really? Not only is Michael Jackson moonwalking in his grave (bitch don't roll) over his daughter being photographed without a butterfly mask on her face, but of course she looks SANS FARDS. She's 14! Paris will give us National Geographic cover realness with or without a face full of MAC.

The Wanted, who I guess are like the Backstreet Boys to One Direction's 'N Sync or like the New Edition to One Direction's New Kids (In other words: I'm old), performed on The Voice recently and they left with the taste of bitchy bitterness and hot lipstick in their mouths. While talking to Now FM (via Digital Spy), they said that Christina Aguilera was more like Cuntina Aguilera. SHOTS FIRED! Here's the transcript detectives will study after The Wanted becomes The Missing!:

Max: Yeah, she's a bit scary, to be honest.

Host: I thought she looked really good. I thought she looked alright.

The Wanted one in all black: SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH!

Host: Ooooooh, is she?

The Wanted one in all black: She's a total bitch.

Host: Was she mean to you?

The Wanted one in all black: She might not be a bitch in real life, but to us she was a bitch. She just sat there and didn't speak to us. Not even look at us.

Host: Christina, how dare you give him the mean mug. Don't do that.

The Wanted one in a beanie: She might've been in a bad mood that day cause she completely (something something'ed) Justin Bieber. He went in for a hug and she's like....

Host: "Why are you coming near me?" I saw that. Can't be mean to these guys. Look at them. She was just mad, because Max didn't run off the stage. Like on American Idol, I was like, did he just make out with JLo?

Max: Well, JLo's hot .Christina's nothing special.

Oh, those sweet, naive British-Irish boys don't even know. Some of them are Irish, which means they've got the sweet nectar naturally running through their veins, which means Drunktina will sniff them down and swallow them up in one gulp. They'll spend the rest of eternity trapped in her gut, slowly getting suffocated by the Spanx cocoon she wraps herself in. It's over for them. Even the YouTube commenters know what I'm talking about:

The unwanted. The fact GODTINA can sing better than them put together and has been in the music industry for over 10 years should be something they should take note of. They've been around nearly two years. Oh and she can sing.

What grown ass men talks s#!t about a woman who is older than they are? They're barely starting and already making unnecessary rude comments about someone they don't know. Just in a moment in time, Cursetina will strike their lame asses.....

HA at "Cursetina." I love how we can throw almost any word or set of words in front of "tina" and it works. Snookitina, Cursetina, Cuntina, Burritotina, Godtina, Bloatina, Huntingdownthewantedtoskinthemrawtina...

Here's the #1 enemies of the Red Lipstick Mafia performing at The Grove in L.A. yesterday.

Charlize Theron knows how to pick a dress (see: the hot fishnetted work of sophistication she wore to CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night), once climbed naked up Mount ASkars, auditioned for the role of Nomi Malone in Showgirls and is a crafty stoner who can probably make a toilet paper roll sploof in seconds. So because of all of that, Charlize could do no wrong in my eyes until I read this quote from Access Hollywood. Charlize told Access Hollywood that she bonded with Kristen Stewart while shooting Snow White and the Huntsman and now she considers Lip Biter one of her good friends.

“I really, I really, really love that girl. I love that girl, like, I would jump off a building for that girl. She’s amazing, she’s amazing. She’s the real deal… [and] she gives really good back rubs. [Kristen] is the kind of actor that I like to be around because there’s nothing she’d really stop at in order to do the job. She’s got a tremendous amount of talent and, you know, I think you can have talent, but if you don’t have tenacity and moxy… She’s bad ass.”

They totally lezzed out and I'm sure Charlize has had Lip Biter's teeth marks on her labia lips at one point or another. I will not judge Charlize for getting her some KStew, but I will judge her for saying that she would jump off of a building for Kristen Fucking Stewart. Maybe at the time she said it Charlize was stoned into another world where the clouds catch you when you jump off of buildings. Does Charlize realize what happens to you in real life when you jump off of a tall building? You dead. Or you mess yourself up so bad that you end up in the ICU and the nurses there won't let your weed man visit you. And they definitely won't' let you make a bong out of an apple. I don't care if it's a figure of speech, you don't say shit like that about the trick from Twatlight! I swear, I totally misjudged Kristen Stewart's skills. Bitch can munch the crazy right up into you.

UPDATE: Karla Vanessa Pérez Castañeda lied to us all! At least that's what Univision (via TMZ) says. One of their reporters interviewed a doctor who claims that she did an ultrasound on Karla and the only thing she saw in her uterus was a whole lot of nothing. Heffa is just fat. I hope Karla has an abuelita who will slap in her lying mouth with a chancleta for this!

Karla Vanessa Pérez Castañeda of Coahuila, Mexico will take OctoMom's stretched out, war veteran uterus and raise her a womb that is about to be inducted into the Mexican Womb Hall of Fame. As OctoMom is quickly losing whatever is left of her sanity while trying to raise 14 kids, Karla Vanessa Pérez Castañeda is quickly losing her hearing from listening to the stretched out pores on her belly scream "SANTO DIOS!!!!" in unison. Televisa (via HuffPo) is reporting that Karla could become NonuMom on May 20th when she's scheduled to pop out 9 human babies in a hospital in Saltillo. Karla's got an entire quinceañera court up in there!

There are conflicting reports as to whether or not Karla used fertility treatments. The Mexican media says that ho must have the baby making parts of a damn mouse, because they're hearing that her litter of 9 was conceived naturally. One month before Karla became a fetus-stuffed piñata, she gave birth to triplets. Now, that is a Duggar on speed. But the American media reports that Karla did use fertility treatments. If the Mexican media is right, then Karla must've been inseminated with bunny sperm or KFed and Lil Wayne's peen sneezed into her chocha at the same time. Those are the only two explanations I can think of.

Karla told the press that she hasn't yet come up with names for her six girls and three boys, "It's very early to think of names for the babies. First I hope that everything goes well." Karla should just make it easier for herself and name them all Concepcion. It's the greatest name ever and it also describes what Karla spends most of her time doing.

If everything goes well, this will be the highest multiple births on record.

Karla is having the c-section of all c-sections, right? And Karla's doctors have already told her to not use the v-word (vaginal birth) out loud, right? Because if she did, homegirl's coochie will jump off her body and run toward the Gulf of Mexico to hide itself underwater. It is not here for that kind of shit!

(Picture of Karla via El Diario) (Thanks to Anilu & Dawn)

If you took scenes from Lost season 1, a piece of seaweed dipped in pink-dyed boric acid, a screen grab from a Pokemon porn, a candy raver's cum shot, a print out from an Angelfire page devoted to Atlantis Cruises, costumes from the Exit to Eden wardrobe closet and stuffed them all into a kaleidoscope with a broken lens, this is what you'd see while looking into that shit. Nicki Minaj's video for "Starships" is basically just a collection of random shit. There's shots of her rolling around the sand like a constipated walrus in heat trying to scratch its own asshole mixed in with lost scenes from the luau in Six Days, Seven Nights.

Obviously, Nicki's shit video cost a lot of money, but this raver island mess still makes Heidi Montag's masterpiece of a video for "Higher" look like it was shot by Steven Spielberg on an 8-figure budget over the course of 12 weeks. Cleanse your palate with some TRUE art: