Up until now, I was ready to campaign for that Spring Breakers mess to collect the Best Costume Oscar for filling its wardrobe closet with sophisticated ensembles bought at a Panama Beach City bikini store that also sells Pall Malls and piña Colada mix. But EVERYTHING has changed with these pictures from the Miami set of Pain and Gain, a movie about two bodybuilders involved an extortion ring (think Hans and Franz but way gayer) starring Marky Mark, The Rock, Ed Harris and Anthony Mackie. The vision of 80s perfection above is Spanish-Dutch (Sputch) actress Yolanthe Sneijder-Cabau and her ensemble was sprayed out of a pink AquaNet bottle.
From the Camp Beverly Hills half shirt to the Freestyle Reeboks to the high-waisted surfer pants, this entire look is a snap bracelet away from being the official uniform of every girl in my second grade class. That whole picture smells like Love's Baby Soft. If the entire movie was just Yolanthe busting moves to a Deniece Williams song blaring from a hot pink boom box, I'd copy it to VHS and watch it until the tape snapped.
Because above everything Jesus hates crusty cuticles, extra chunky toe jam and nail stank, the new belle of New York City Tim Tebow got a mani-pedi at MB Nails in West Hollywood on Tuesday. We know who's nails are going to send sparkle rays up to heaven at the church luncheon this Easter Sunday.
Tim Tebow's date with Taylor Swift does more to fuel the gay rumors than this picture does. Contrary to popular belief, you don't need to get a mani-pedi each week to keep your gay card valid. I'm gayer than pink flamingo nipple nectar (yes, pink flamingos have nipples) and my idea of a pedicure is chewing my toe nails off my with my mouth and smelling the extra dirty ones. And I wonder why hos refuse to kiss me on the mouth without a tongue condom on.
Selena Gomez and The Lesbeaver have a totally not staged moment in Griffith Park and I'm sure somewhere nearby a yorkie just got snatched out of its backyard by a mountain lion. Where are your priorities, mountain lions?! - Popsugar
Either Prince Hot Ginge is buying me a plastic flower bouquet since he knows I'm allergic to the real thing (no, I'm not) or that's the strangest front for a weed shop I've ever seen - Lainey Gossip
But more importantly, what was in that pill bottle next to Madge's cake? MDMA or fetus teeth? - Towleroad
BREAKING: This is actually the most clothes I've seen on Cindy Lou Who in a good minute - Hollywood Tuna
In case you needed more of Lara Flynn Boyle's melting face - The Superficial
Um, can you buy tweezers and a brow waxing kit with an EBT card? - Celebitchy
Emily Blunt in Elle UK - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Katrina Bowden in FHM - Popoholic
Charlize Theron in Vogue UK - ICYDK
Halle Berry in the hair of my elementary school friend Armando - Just Jared
The Pepsi Girl's brother is not going to be in Quentin Tarantino's next movie - The Daily What Gossip
2015 is the year Jessica Simpson will eventually give birth to her first child and it's also the year that the second Avatar movie will come out - Videogum
I do appreciate that Claire Danes is wearing a dress made out of one of Ricky's blazers - Moe Jackson
Wilder Valderrama's mesh hoodie thing tells me that International Male is still in business - Celebslam
In possibly related news, Cirque Lodge has announced that it will be closed for the next 4 weeks for fumigation - Hollywood Rag
The Jennifer Aniston wing of the Photoshop Hall of Fame Museum - Cityrag
The next time somebody argues against the legalization of marijuana, please show them this video as evidence that sometimes getting stoned our of your damn gourd produces magical and beautiful ideas. Several bowls were definitely smoked in the making of this fuckery (and I'm not counting the bowls those stoned ass pugs smoked up).
You might already know Dr. Bill Dorfman from Extreme Makeover, a recent episode of Selling LA (Yes, I watch that shit.) and as the doctor who fixed up Lindsay Lohan's meth grill, but now you know him as the sucio dentist with a serious tooth fetish.
TMZ had a talk with Dr. Dorfman outside of a restaurant in L.A. on Tuesday and asked him about all the celebrity teeth he pulls out. Dr. Dorfman says that he always asks the celebrity if they want to keep the teeth he pulls out of their mouth, but if they shake their heads no, he stores it in a special place. So if you're Ozzy Osbourne, LiLo, Eva Longoria or Anne Hathaway, Dr. Dorfman might have your teeth in his special celebrity tooth museum. Dr. Dorfman explained it like this:
"I actually save famous people's teeth when I pull them ... but I can't tell you [their identities] 'cause it's like patient confidentiality. There have been a few really famous people and I thought one day maybe I could sell this on eBay."
Dr. Dorfman later backpedaled and called into TMZ to say he didn't mean it. It's too late! Dr. Dorfman's dirty, gingivitis-ridden, cavity-filled secret is out. I don't know how Dr. Dorfman found the time to call TMZ when he's obviously spending most of his time begging Gary Busey to come into his office for a "consultation." Gary Busey's got the 9-inch dick of teeth and I'm sure he's Dr. Dorfman's dream grill. Any celebrity tooth collection is incomplete without a Gary Busey tooth.
I'm going to back out of this post before my mind starts to wonder what Dr. Dorfman does with all those teeth when the dental lights go down. And you better not type the words, "anal tooth necklace." NOOOOOOOOOO.
Out of nowhere last night, Kanye Kardashian née West released a new song called Theraflu where he rap confesses that he crawled up into Kim Kardashian's K hole of doom while she was in the middle of her 10 second-long marriage to Kris Humphries. Here are the poignant lyrics that are making Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand quiver something special:
And I'll admit I fell in love with Kim/ 'Round the same time she fell in love him/ That's cool, baby girl do your thing/ Lucky I ain't have Jay drop him from the team
Kanye Kardashian's fame whore clock is perfectly synchronized, because just hours after he dropped that song, TMZ had pictures of him and Kim doing the STUNT QUEEN strut out of a Manhattan movie theater after seeing The Hunger Games. There's something perfect about two thirsty whores watching The Hunger Games together. A source tells TMZ that Kanye and Kim have been chewing on each other's ass for a little while now.
This was bound to happen and we should just be thankful that their egos in one room together will shatter any industrial-strength camera lens, so we'll never see a real sex tape of these self-absorbed hos humping on each other. Actually, I doubt Kim and Kanye even touch. Their idea of getting off is doing themselves with a mirrored dildo in a completely mirrored room so they can see themselves from every angle.
Kim and Kanye keep searching for love, but Kim will never love anybody as much as she loves Kim and Kanye will never love anybody as much as he loves Kanye. They can have a group marriage!
To celebrate her fourth wedding anniversary with the world, Beyonce opened the doors to her Tumblr Shrine to Beyonce today and gave you the gift of HER!!!! I see Beyonce trying to outshine the resurrection of Jesus. Beyonce's Tumblr has a video (above) of her going on about some blue ivy tree (Fun Fact: That tree was later cut down and the wood was used to make the Blue Ivy decoy doll Beyonce carries around.) and then there's dozens of pictures of her being fancy and rich and shit.
There's Beyonce on a yacht. There's Beyonce posing in front of Basement Baby's front door. There's Beyonce posing in front of bottles of diamond water. There's Beyonce on a private jet, and finally there's Beyonce in front of a MaybachRollsRoyceBentleyWhatever. My eyes did start to slightly turn green like Beyonce's Tumblr was Samantha Brick and I was a homely ass woman, but then I came across a picture of Beyonce with GOOP. Travel on the East River Ferry or travel on a private yacht with GOOP? I'll take the East River Ferry. GOOP is a deal breaker.
The empty space next to Adam Levine isn't even cold yet (although, it never is) and Jennifer Loves Anymanwithapulse is already trying to hop on that shit. I guess you have to strike while the iron is still in rebound mode. JLove is on Ellen (via People) today to promote The Client List and she let the world know that she'd love Adam Levine to warm her cold lonely heart by pulling out and knocking off her vajazzle stones with his jizz stream. The Jennifer Aniston of basic cable made a play for Blake Shelton's girl when she said this:
"I always have my eyes out. I just read two days ago that Adam Levine is single again ... I'm just saying. Look, we would be cute."
I love how she casually says "just read." JLove, stop acting like we don't know you have "celebrity splits" in your Google Alerts and every time one comes up, you immediately stop reading Live Alone and Hate It to catch yourself a husband. Look in the mirror, JLove (skip to 0:34):
By the way, in that clip I'm Hazel, obviously, and every Dlisted commenter is the skinny grey hen with a sitcom waitress accent.
I swear, Adam Levine is a tattooed bag of douche water, but JLove needs to stop. I'm sure pretty sure Adam Levine only gets with Victoria's Secret models and Old Square Britches Hewitt isn't allowed in a Victoria's Secret, because she always breaks down in the dressing room about how even the stuffed animals on her bed don't care when she dresses up in sexy lingerie for them. Oh, JLove, never change. Sparkle on, you crazy, desperate vajazzle diamond, you.
One thing that's not in the chicken wraps is Mary J. Blige's amusement. After some people lost their minds over Mary J. Blige rising up out of the damn floor into a Burger King booth to yodel about crispy chick-en, Burger King snatched the commercial down and blamed it all on licensing issues. Burger King said they were reworking the commercial and would release a new one soon. Wrap a crispy UH HUH in a tortilla and feed it to Burger King, because you know they're lying. Then yesterday, Mary J. Blige rose up out of the floor again to tell TMZ that she understands why her fans threw hateration and holleration at her and she wants them to know that she doesn't co-sign that three cheese fuckery:
“I agreed to be a part of a fun and creative campaign that was supposed to feature a dream sequence. Unfortunately, that's not what was happening in that clip.
I understand my fans being upset by what they saw. But, if you’re a Mary fan, you have to know I would never allow an unfinished spot like the one you saw go out."
Even if that commercial was a dream sequence, it would still be a nightmare. But you know, this wasn't some minstrel show shit to me and I didn't get the urge to shake Burger King the same way Nell Carter shook Joey Lawrence when he did blackface in front of her church. Who doesn't want to sing about crispy chicken?! The thing that offended me most is Mary's bangs looking like it was scalped off of Benji. Call PETA, not the NAACP!
But I will accept Mary's apology, because I did curse her name yesterday when I found myself rising up from behind the kitchen counter to sing, "Cris-py chick-en! Fresh lettuce! Three chee-ses! Ranch dress-ing!"
Looks like Sir Elton's hard at work on his new single 'Candle in the Hind.' - thewhitemike
Safeword: Madge - burpfartsneeze
Damn tape worms always choose the WRONG time to come out! - DailyNightly