"Oh thiiiiiiis is the niiiiiiight, it's a beeeeeaaautiful niiiiight. And we caaaaaaall it bellaaaaa noooootte." - Just Jared
Isn't it British royal tradition that on a prince's first wedding anniversary, his brother has to give the world the gift of paper with a picture of his royal jewels on it? - Lainey Gossip
Jalouse Magazine's make-up artist gave Kristen Stewart the strung out raccoon look - The Berry
The OctoMom department of Child Protective Services can take the weekend off - The Superficial
Johnny Depp's 10-year-old has the musical tastes of a 45-year-old strip club bouncer - Celebitchy
Don't all ten thousand of those paparazzos know that they can get the exact same shots by taking pictures of chipmunks in the park? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Presenting...Collista Gingrich - Towleroad
Gold-plated camel toe provided by Michelle Hunzikersomething - Hollywood Tuna
Amanda Seyfried's dog friend sort of has Harvey Dent face - Popoholic
Kristen Stewart's Anita Bryant meets Jackie O hair is not the look for her - ICYDK
I think I'd rather see Eric Roberts in a bra - IDLYITW
You know you're a special trick who can keep the "marriage" word off your tongue when George Clooney extends your contract past awards season - Popsugar
Hugh Grant is not into mollycoddling (no that isn't some kind of fetish involving MDMA) - I'm Not Obsessed
But where's the room where Derek Jeter keeps all the autographed baseballs he gives his one time fuck partners? - Cityrag
Either JoJo is nipple-less or she knows the secret to keeping them hidden while in a completely wet white tank top - Hollywood Rag
Put this shit on mute and you've got the perfect Friday night fapping material - OMG Blog
How can those two dudes with Amber Rose keep their hands from snatching that parched animal off of her bald head? - Crunk + Disorderly
As everyone prays that Snooki gets as big as Jessica Simpson - SOW
(Picture via Bauer Griffin)
Are you looking for an outfit to wear to Jason's Sister Wife Circa 1988 theme party? What about the perfect black gown to wear while walking barefoot down a sidewalk runaway to 70s porn music? Or the perfect turquoise dress to wear while talking to your friends around a fire hydrant in a parking lot?
Two words: (read in the whisper of a pedophile hiding in the closet) Faaaashion Shack.
It seems like every month some magazine is stripping the coats of lacquer off of the faces of celebrities and semi-celebrities to show regular women that these famous hos look just like you in their natural states, and this time it was People's turn. People (via Jezebel & Buzzfeed) gave the face painter the day off and took pictures of Zooey Deschanel, Paris Jackson (below), Megan Draper from Mad Men (below), Lily Collins (below), Sandra Lee (I need that picture on my eyeballs NOW), Rose Byrne, Paula Patton and Julie Bowen. The SANS FARDS portrait everyone is talking about is Zooey Deschanel's, because most of us didn't think it was possible for her to remove the doll lashes or scrub away the pink rouge that is splattered on her cheeks to look like somebody pinched her for being so adorkable. Zooey kind of looks like she just got up from her 4th hangover nap of the day. It's kind of weird seeing Zooey look like a grown woman and not like a Kewpie Doll in a brown Holly Hobbie wig.
And Paris Jackson, really? Not only is Michael Jackson moonwalking in his grave (bitch don't roll) over his daughter being photographed without a butterfly mask on her face, but of course she looks SANS FARDS. She's 14! Paris will give us National Geographic cover realness with or without a face full of MAC.
The Wanted, who I guess are like the Backstreet Boys to One Direction's 'N Sync or like the New Edition to One Direction's New Kids (In other words: I'm old), performed on The Voice recently and they left with the taste of bitchy bitterness and hot lipstick in their mouths. While talking to Now FM (via Digital Spy), they said that Christina Aguilera was more like Cuntina Aguilera. SHOTS FIRED! Here's the transcript detectives will study after The Wanted becomes The Missing!:
Max: Yeah, she's a bit scary, to be honest.
Host: I thought she looked really good. I thought she looked alright.
The Wanted one in all black: SHE'S A TOTAL BITCH!
Host: Ooooooh, is she?
The Wanted one in all black: She's a total bitch.
Host: Was she mean to you?
The Wanted one in all black: She might not be a bitch in real life, but to us she was a bitch. She just sat there and didn't speak to us. Not even look at us.
Host: Christina, how dare you give him the mean mug. Don't do that.
The Wanted one in a beanie: She might've been in a bad mood that day cause she completely (something something'ed) Justin Bieber. He went in for a hug and she's like....
Host: "Why are you coming near me?" I saw that. Can't be mean to these guys. Look at them. She was just mad, because Max didn't run off the stage. Like on American Idol, I was like, did he just make out with JLo?
Max: Well, JLo's hot .Christina's nothing special.
Oh, those sweet, naive British-Irish boys don't even know. Some of them are Irish, which means they've got the sweet nectar naturally running through their veins, which means Drunktina will sniff them down and swallow them up in one gulp. They'll spend the rest of eternity trapped in her gut, slowly getting suffocated by the Spanx cocoon she wraps herself in. It's over for them. Even the YouTube commenters know what I'm talking about:
The unwanted. The fact GODTINA can sing better than them put together and has been in the music industry for over 10 years should be something they should take note of. They've been around nearly two years. Oh and she can sing.
What grown ass men talks s#!t about a woman who is older than they are? They're barely starting and already making unnecessary rude comments about someone they don't know. Just in a moment in time, Cursetina will strike their lame asses.....
HA at "Cursetina." I love how we can throw almost any word or set of words in front of "tina" and it works. Snookitina, Cursetina, Cuntina, Burritotina, Godtina, Bloatina, Huntingdownthewantedtoskinthemrawtina...
Here's the #1 enemies of the Red Lipstick Mafia performing at The Grove in L.A. yesterday.
Charlize Theron knows how to pick a dress (see: the hot fishnetted work of sophistication she wore to CinemaCon in Las Vegas last night), once climbed naked up Mount ASkars, auditioned for the role of Nomi Malone in Showgirls and is a crafty stoner who can probably make a toilet paper roll sploof in seconds. So because of all of that, Charlize could do no wrong in my eyes until I read this quote from Access Hollywood. Charlize told Access Hollywood that she bonded with Kristen Stewart while shooting Snow White and the Huntsman and now she considers Lip Biter one of her good friends.
“I really, I really, really love that girl. I love that girl, like, I would jump off a building for that girl. She’s amazing, she’s amazing. She’s the real deal… [and] she gives really good back rubs. [Kristen] is the kind of actor that I like to be around because there’s nothing she’d really stop at in order to do the job. She’s got a tremendous amount of talent and, you know, I think you can have talent, but if you don’t have tenacity and moxy… She’s bad ass.”
They totally lezzed out and I'm sure Charlize has had Lip Biter's teeth marks on her labia lips at one point or another. I will not judge Charlize for getting her some KStew, but I will judge her for saying that she would jump off of a building for Kristen Fucking Stewart. Maybe at the time she said it Charlize was stoned into another world where the clouds catch you when you jump off of buildings. Does Charlize realize what happens to you in real life when you jump off of a tall building? You dead. Or you mess yourself up so bad that you end up in the ICU and the nurses there won't let your weed man visit you. And they definitely won't' let you make a bong out of an apple. I don't care if it's a figure of speech, you don't say shit like that about the trick from Twatlight! I swear, I totally misjudged Kristen Stewart's skills. Bitch can munch the crazy right up into you.
UPDATE: Karla Vanessa Pérez Castañeda lied to us all! At least that's what Univision (via TMZ) says. One of their reporters interviewed a doctor who claims that she did an ultrasound on Karla and the only thing she saw in her uterus was a whole lot of nothing. Heffa is just fat. I hope Karla has an abuelita who will slap in her lying mouth with a chancleta for this!
Karla Vanessa Pérez Castañeda of Coahuila, Mexico will take OctoMom's stretched out, war veteran uterus and raise her a womb that is about to be inducted into the Mexican Womb Hall of Fame. As OctoMom is quickly losing whatever is left of her sanity while trying to raise 14 kids, Karla Vanessa Pérez Castañeda is quickly losing her hearing from listening to the stretched out pores on her belly scream "SANTO DIOS!!!!" in unison. Televisa (via HuffPo) is reporting that Karla could become NonuMom on May 20th when she's scheduled to pop out 9 human babies in a hospital in Saltillo. Karla's got an entire quinceañera court up in there!
There are conflicting reports as to whether or not Karla used fertility treatments. The Mexican media says that ho must have the baby making parts of a damn mouse, because they're hearing that her litter of 9 was conceived naturally. One month before Karla became a fetus-stuffed piñata, she gave birth to triplets. Now, that is a Duggar on speed. But the American media reports that Karla did use fertility treatments. If the Mexican media is right, then Karla must've been inseminated with bunny sperm or KFed and Lil Wayne's peen sneezed into her chocha at the same time. Those are the only two explanations I can think of.
Karla told the press that she hasn't yet come up with names for her six girls and three boys, "It's very early to think of names for the babies. First I hope that everything goes well." Karla should just make it easier for herself and name them all Concepcion. It's the greatest name ever and it also describes what Karla spends most of her time doing.
If everything goes well, this will be the highest multiple births on record.
Karla is having the c-section of all c-sections, right? And Karla's doctors have already told her to not use the v-word (vaginal birth) out loud, right? Because if she did, homegirl's coochie will jump off her body and run toward the Gulf of Mexico to hide itself underwater. It is not here for that kind of shit!
(Picture of Karla via El Diario) (Thanks to Anilu & Dawn)
If you took scenes from Lost season 1, a piece of seaweed dipped in pink-dyed boric acid, a screen grab from a Pokemon porn, a candy raver's cum shot, a print out from an Angelfire page devoted to Atlantis Cruises, costumes from the Exit to Eden wardrobe closet and stuffed them all into a kaleidoscope with a broken lens, this is what you'd see while looking into that shit. Nicki Minaj's video for "Starships" is basically just a collection of random shit. There's shots of her rolling around the sand like a constipated walrus in heat trying to scratch its own asshole mixed in with lost scenes from the luau in Six Days, Seven Nights.
Obviously, Nicki's shit video cost a lot of money, but this raver island mess still makes Heidi Montag's masterpiece of a video for "Higher" look like it was shot by Steven Spielberg on an 8-figure budget over the course of 12 weeks. Cleanse your palate with some TRUE art:
Three things. First, Freddie Prinze Jr. still exists and still breathes in the same oxygen we all breathe in even though he rarely graces the screen with his completely organic and not at all wood-like acting skills that make a cardboard Keanu Reeves cutout look like the reincarnation of Laurence Fucking Olivier. Freddie's just a stay-at-home dad now, slaving away in the kitchen making sandwiches like all good stay-at-home dads do. Second, Freddie's going to have to make more sandwiches, because Sarah Michelle Gellar got knocked up again. Third and most important, why can't I stop eating rice pudding baby food at night? How did this happen? I'm not even doing it as a role playing thing and I'm not even adding rum to that shit. Is this what it feels like to be Jennifer Aniston? Am I finally matching my eating habits to my IQ (no offense to rice pudding-eating babies with new brains that aren't fully warmed up)?
Anyillprobablybewearingdiapersandafuckingbonnetnext, Sarah Michelle Gellar's got a womb full of baby! A source tells People that Freddie and Sarah Michelle's 2-year-old daughter Charlotte Grace is going to be somebody's sister soon.
“She and Freddie are thrilled. They love their little girl more than anything in the world and know that love will only multiply. She is such a fantastic mom; it is just great news.”
Their love will only multiply? Who says that shit? I didn't know Paula Anka was one of People's sources.
The three of us who watch Ringer aren't surprised by this news since Bridget/Shavon (I'm too lazy to spell it the fancy way) was looking swole in the torso on the season finale. And yes, not only did I admit that I eat rice pudding baby food for dinner, but I also admitted that I watched Ringer in its entirety. You should probably have my landlord check on me later, because with the way that things are going it's only a matter of time before I overdose on baby food, pass out face-first into my boyfriend pillow and lie there in a coma as my 12 cats (they magically showed up when I started eating baby food) chew my fingers off.
To become greener, ABC decides to harness the hot air from The View. - magusxxx
After Zac Efron's stunt queen move of dropping a condom on the red carpet failed to garner enough press, his PR bitch orchestrated something grander. - SteelCityGirl
In more boring parts of America, Outdoor Vaporizing has become a competitive, almost Olympic sport. - squiggy
The Duggar brood take their parents to the park and drop some not-too-subtle hints on their folks. - Skinnymalinky
These are the barf bags needed to get through the next 3 seasons of the Kardashians. - WhoDatSaintsFan
Because purple and red together is so now, here's the glamorous new Purple Crab that was found on the island of Palawan in the Philippines by scientists. Scientists are trying to tell us that these Purple Crabs only exist on Palawan, because the ocean has kept them from traveling farther, but hooooooo please. Those scientists have a bunch of fancy degrees and have studied all sorts of rare crabs from untouched exotic islands and Parasite Hilton's pussy, but I know glamour. The purple body.... The red polish on those claws... The twinkle of attitude in those eyes... The Purple Crab didn't originate in the Philippines, it originated on Prince's crotch! This crustacean formerly known as the Purple Crab is now known as the Prince Crab. Update your files, crab scientists!
And you are wrong if you try to order the Prince Crab at Red Lobster this weekend.