I was at Jezebel a little while ago and the headline "Real Housewives’ Simon van Kempen Ejaculated on His Wife While She Gave Birth to Their Son" unlocked the picture-making part of my brain that shat out the sucio image of Simon jacking it over Alex's half-naked body as their son Francois slid out of her coochie, took one look at Simon squeezing his peen, learned real quick how to say "fuckthis" and crawled back up into his mother's body where it's safe. That image will stay with me forever and I'll bring it out every time I need to scare my nightmares away. But that's not exactly how it went.
In their two year-old book Little Kids, Big City (aka The OverFuckingSharing Diaries), Alex McCord, formerly of The Real Housewives of NYC, writes about how her creepy husband pushed out a load of baby batter in his panties as she pushed out the finish product. It's kind of like how on cooking shows when the chef shows the batter and then brings out a plate of the finished cake! Okay, I just made it grosser, so I'll let Alex take it from here:
Once he was finally out of my body, I experienced a tsunami of endorphins that was almost orgasmic, and I understand completely the stories other women have written about ecstatic birth. Simon was sitting behind me at the point of birth, and later when we untangled ourselves he discovered he'd actually ejaculated though hadn't felt any of the normal lead-up to that. It may seem distasteful to some, and definitely neither of us was thinking of sex at the time, but with the rush of emotion and my lower nerve endings going crazy, it's not too far a stretch to say that it's a profound experience.
Kinky fucks! Even Alicia Silverstone is like, "jaldkfjaoubiuoubiuoaudfkl." Alicia's son was eating chewed tofu from her mouth while she said it so that's why you can't really understand her, but what she said was, "Too far.... TOO FAR!"
You know, Simon and Alex bring new meaning to the word "creepy" but shit (on the labor table) and jizz (in the pants while your wife is birthing out your baby) happens! This is still not something I needed to know today or any other today.
I've seen a broken glass and kidney stone ring on Regretsy that looks better than the $10,000 piece of crap that Eddie Cibrian bought for LeAnn Rimes for their 1st wedding anniversary. A ring fit for a fug! - Celebitchy
Kunty Karl's human is out as Katy Perry's piece - Lainey Gossip
Gross, I hate it when babies talk back - The Superficial
Has Stacy Keiberl's forehead always looked like it was levitating away from her head or is the black magic of Photoshop to blame? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Oh, Peeta Bread, but saying "I'm going to troll for hot people sex with a hot people man at the people club" just doesn't have the same ring to it - Towleroad
Selena Gomez's fake ass smile is saying to that little girl, "So you're trying to steal my bitch too, huh?" - Hollywood Tuna
A William Levy gallery is incomplete without his museum-worthy banana hammock pictures - The Berry
Screw Hilary Duff, we should be talking about the stoned dog friend in the background - Popoholic
It was nice of Michelle Williams to wear the dress her daughter's class made during craft hour with old placemats - Go Fug Yourself
Club promoter = Mickey - ICYDK
Wheelchair Jimmy's Bigfoot landing strip brows have been passed on, so says Media Takeout - IDLYITW
Taken minutes before the sun's rays almost burned through Angie Jo's vampire skin - Popsugar
Sarah Larson did it first and better - The Daily What
Camo puss - Cityrag
The outfit Jada Pinkett Smith is wearing on the right makes her look like a skinny midget Cleo from Set It Off - Crunk + Disorderly
Some Hollywood reporter can claim something that hundreds other people can claim - Hollywood Rag
lol @ "most photographed people in the world" - Just Jared
I'm sensing a trend.... - I'm Not Obsessed
Get into Chace Crawford's leaky pits - SOW
What a regular night at Beyonce and Jay-Z's dining room looks like - Videogum
You're going to try to tell me that this isn't Seal beating his club while watching a lady bust out Adele during an episode of Australia's The Voice, but you won't convince me. I don't care if you tell me Seal's just got a case of restless leg syndrome, I won't believe it. I don't care if you tell me that he's happily relieved after a stubborn fart bubble finally made its way out of his butt, I won't believe it. Seal is fapping and you can't tell me otherwise. Obviously, the new way for the judges on The Voice to show they're really into a contestant is by whipping it out and going at it right there. You know what to do, Adam Levine! Or should I say, you know who to do, Adam Levine. Yourself! In front of us! GO!
Everybody who was at Coachella's second weekend now knows what it feels like to live in George Hamilton's charbroiled shell, because the heat nearly burned everyone's skin off and their nipple knobs split like a hot dog cooking in the microwave. And when the temperatures go up, the fuckery comes out to play. Case in point: Here's Eric Roberts' daughter, Emma Roberts, looking like a Natty-drinking, Nascar fan-humping, freon-huffing Panama Beach City beauty circa 1988. Bitch Vanessa Hudgens'ed out!
If you're thinking that Emma really broke the style mold with her "tube top lost in a fight against a shredder" shirt and her fly wide open coochie cutters, then prepare yourself for the white mesh exquisiteness she brought during day 2 of Coachella. Julia Roberts, please have a seat, grab a note pad and let your niece show you how a style icon truly brings it. If you don't like you should be dancing on the bed of a pick-up truck to Pour Some Sugar On Me, then you're doing it wrong.
And I threw in some pictures of Kristen Stewart and RPattz, because they were a shredder fight away from being as lot lizard glamorous as Emma Roberts.
Most tricks who have nose fucked Simon Cowell between his furry chest turnovers pray every night that another soul never finds out, but glamorous British trash Alicia Douvall isn't like most tricks. Alicia, who is best known around these parts for committing premeditated titty abuse, isn't happy that her name is nowhere in Sweet Revenge, the unauthorized biography about Simon Cowell's life. So what's a fame whore to do when a biography writer won't let her be great? She runs off to The Sun (via Daily Mail) to tell them about her precious moments with Simon Cowell's titties. Alicia's six months with Simon started when they met at a bar in 2001. After a few dates, they finally bumped wet parts and Alicia says they didn't stop until her pussy practically submitted a transfer request.
"On the third of fourth date we ended up doing it 11 times in one night... We started having sex and went on through the night. We slept a little bit in between but only for a few minutes.
Every time we had sex he would analyse my performance just like a judge on the TV and say how there could be an improvement next time."
So this is how Alicia is paying for her 4,965th titty rotation. Simon obviously slipped a check between her plastic baby head titties to say this. Like Simon really fucked Alicia's ugly toe off. Please. They didn't do it 11 times in a row, because if they did his neighbors would've called the bomb squad after smelling the toxic scent of curdled grease and burnt Tupperware coming from his house. But I do like the thought of Simon critiquing a ho after sex. "That last queef was really pitchy. You fuck like a cruise ship performer on Dramamine. It reminded me of the kind of fuck you'd have at a wedding reception."
But you know, maybe I'm totally off base and Alicia is telling the truth. She does have a glimmer in her eye like she's seen the light peeking out of Simon's nipple hole as his chichis bounced up and down while he hit it from the front. I mean, watching Simon's titties bounce IS a spiritual experience.
After announcing on Today that she's battling breast cancer, and announcing on Today that she's cancer free, and announcing on Today that they're trying to have a baby, Giuliana and Bill Rancic announced on Today this morning that they are having a baby and that baby will be here this summer, around the same time Jessica Simpson enters the halfway point in her pregnancy. Anybody who watches Giuliana and Bill's reality show know that they've been open about their struggles with infertility. Giuliana and Bill said on Today this morning that their baby is now growing inside of a
surrogate gestational carrier who is about 20 weeks along. Giuliana and Bill made the embryo before she was diagnosed with cancer. They also released this statement to E!:
"We are so thrilled that our prayers have been answered. We are absolutely ecstatic to be sharing this with everyone who has been following our journey."
Never mind that Giuliana and Bill's shiny happy mouth Chiclets are making my teeth feel inadequate, I need to thank them for not using their baby announcement to launch their asses over the youknowwhat. More "ecstastics" and less OTMs!
The world is definitely a different place without Dick Clark in it, because there's no such thing as New Year's Eve anymore and all balls have lost the will to drop (my thoughts and prayers are with those who are stuck in puberty forever....Justin Bieber). But for Shirley MacLaine the world really is a different place without Dick Clark in it, because she no longer has to worry about his dogs getting bitchy with her dogs when she walks by his house in Malibu. At the premiere of her new movie Bernie, Reuters asked Shirley if had any thoughts on Dick Clark's death and she didn't even try to pretend like she's broken in the heart about it.
"Well now I can walk past his house in Malibu and his dogs won't attack mine. That's one good thing."
HAHAHAHA. I love this act of memaw bitchery for two reasons: 1) Shirley is and will always be Ouiser. You can't take the Ouiser out of the Shirley! 2) Did Dick Clark take his dogs to the grave with him? Dick's dogs are still and well, right? I hope so and I really hope Reuters is there when Shirley walks by his house in Malibu and nearly chokes on her cuntified words when his dogs run out to mouth shank her dogs.
Jennifer Aniston's dreams of marrying an actual human man (instead of a Real Groom Doll) by her minister dog (she made him get officiated online a couple of years ago) while surrounded by Beanie Baby flower girls and Cabbage Patch bridesmaids in the basement chapel she's having built in her new Bel Air mansion is not going to happen, because she doesn't have time for that shit now that she has to beat those whores Brangelina to the altar. TMZ says that Jennifer Aniston is about to make every tabloid editor drown in a pool of their own panty pudding by marrying Justin Theroux this summer.
A source (aka their publicist) close to the Elounda Beach Hotel in Crete, Greece told TMZ that Jennifer was there recently checking the place out as a possibility for her wedding venue. Jennifer told the hotel that she's planning a July wedding. Jennifer chose Crete as the place she wants to break the spinster curse Maddox put on her, because that's where her dad is from.
Here we go.... Today's headline is "Jennifer Aniston to Marry in Crete" and tomorrow's headline will be "Angelina Jolie BUYS Crete." Next week's headline will be "Jennifer Aniston to wear Vera Wang" and that will be shortly followed by the headline "Angelina Jolie ADOPTS Vera Wang." The summer Olympics will be foreshadowed by hos watching Brangie and Jennifer Aniston racing each other to People's "YES! We're Married!" cover. I just hope that the camera man zooms in on Maddox right before he puts his foot in front of a sprinting Jennifer Aniston as she's about to pass Angie.
After the huge failure of their "Pray Away The Gay" therapy centers, the Bachmanns have rethought their formula and are now targeting lesbians with their new and improved "Wish to quit the Fish" in home do it yourself system. - Ashton Cruz
The Jacques Cousteau hologram was completely overshadowed by the Tupac one at Coachella this year, but it was significantly less expensive to create. - Spaz de la Whoreta
Chris Martin likes to keep that Gwyneth smell around where ever he goes. - Ikcor
The early tests for "Titanic in 3D" were not promising. - Strepsi
via Poorly Dressed
The brave Philadelphia squirrel rescuer who is now the hero of the squirrel community after he saved one of their own from suffocating to death. (I think I just suffocated in a bag filled with all the euphemism possibilities in that sentence.) It's Monday which means that most of us are this squirrel today. We all have our head stuck in a bag (or stuck in your own ass if you're like me) waiting for some caring soul take to pity on us and yank us out while filming it for YouTube. So raise your morning cup of meth pipe water for this squirrel rescuer! Since this is the most important news story of the weekend, I'm sure CNN will break into their regularly scheduled programming when the squirrel community honors this dude with the Purple Nut of bravery.