Angie and Brad are slumping into a state of UGH so you don't have to!
2013 may bring the Brangeloonies a new Brangelina temple in the form of a movie starring the both of them. No, the movie isn't a remake of Rango with Angie Jolie in the title role or a big-screen version of Castlevania with Angie as the spider queen. Angie has already been thinking about shooting a cameo in Ridley Scott's The Counselor and now Brad Pitt is also talking to Ridley about possibly taking a role. Michael Fassbender (that's "Ass Bender" to you and me) will play the title role, a lawyer type who wants to get into the business of selling the bad shit. Deadline also says that Javier Bardem is close to being cast as the villain. Ridley will shoot that shit in Europe this June.
As all of us know, the first and only time Brad and Angie did a movie together, it created a tabloid monster that has terrorized our asses ever since, so I wonder what kind of foolery this movie is going to produce? I know everybody wants Angie to lure Michael Fassbender in with her hypnotic vagina, but that would be so typical. But really, we shouldn't be talking about Brangie being in the same movie. We should be talking about how Ridley Scott better do the right thing by writing a substantial role for the real star of this movie: MICHAEL FASSBENDER'S PEEN! It better have the most lines and it better be the star of at least 3 musical montages. And it better have top billing over Brad and Angie.
Because Lindsay Lohan and every other bottom of the barrel ho dressing up as her in a photo shoot for Harper's Bazaar Uzbekistan hasn't completely made Marilyn Monroe roll down through the earth's crust, a TV production company and her estate (that's cold) are working together on a reality show that will look for Hollywood's newest "it" girl. Lindsay Lohan, don't you dare drop your coke straw to pick up a pen to fill out an application for this mess. I said "girl" not "ghoul."
The plot, or whatever you call it, for this sacrilegiousness sounds like a mess and it honestly makes LiLo's Marilyn Monroe obsession seem completely healthy and not at all fucked up. Here's the few sentences about this soon-to-be disaster from Deadline that are making me want to murder my TV and make it look like a suicide:
Entertainment One has teamed with the Estate of Marilyn Monroe to develop and produce Finding Marilyn, a competition reality series that will emulate Monroe’s journey to stardom by featuring twelve young girls as they travel to Los Angeles to compete for a chance to become the next Hollywood “it” girl.
Emulate Marilyn's journey? In the hell? The makers of this need to compete in a reality show called Finding A FUCKING ASS CLUE since they have none.
Once the winner beats the other Norma Jeans (that's totally what they're going to call them), she'll win a lifetime of sadness and a lethal dose of barbiturates. Then when she's gone, the whores of Hollywood and beyond can spit all over her image in every medium. It's the cycle of butchery. May the odds ever be in your BARF.
I guess Keebler is making silicone titty bags for elves now, because Hayden Panatroll's got a pair and they're covering her chest with shades of Tori Spelling - The Superficial
ScarJo admits to sucking on Sean Penn's dehydrated crotch noodle, which is not something someone should ever admit - Lainey Gossip
Strangely enough, this is also where Suri Cruises come from - Towleroad
Slow day on the ho stroll = the paps taking pictures of She-Pratt - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
No, RPattz doesn't want to take his shirt off, because he knows the Twihards can sniff out his nipple meat from ten miles away - Celebitchy
Gluten-free weed and penis cakes does a chipmunk's body good - Hollywood Tuna
Adam Levine is flattered by Jennifer Love Hewitt the same way Steve Rodgers was flattered by Wiener Dog - ICYDK
Hayden Christensen's hairy Canadian bacon nipples for your pleasure - Popsugar
It's probably just me, but Jennifer Lawrence is looking a little Zellweger-ish in this picture. B.Coop's next beard? - The Berry
I am only okay with a Sabrina the Teenage Witch remake if Jocelyn Wildenstein plays Salem - Videogum
If I had a crack rock for every time Dreamboat went to rehab, I'd probably be in rehab with Dreamboat - The Daily What Gossip
No, I'm serious this time, either Blahna Del Taco's upper lip is escaping or there's an invisible fishing hook tugging at it - Just Jared
JLo's revenge dress looks a lot like a red eye-shift hooker's get money dress - Cityrag
Renee Olstead works her wonk at The Avengers premiere - Hollywood Rag
Melody Thornton is the epitome of class - SOW
Sweet Brown is back - Crunk + Disorderly
PANTY CREAMING CENTRAL: The Avengers premiere last night - I'm Not Obsessed
I didn't think Brad Pitt could ever top this picture, or this picture, or this picture, or this picture and he still hasn't, but this stunning portrait from his high school basketball days comes close. We know who was brushing his golden hair mane 100 times with a Helene Curtis brush in the locker room before every game. Brad's secret defense move was probably knocking his rivals' to the floor by flipping those luscious locks. Never mind that a Missouri public high school actually named their basketball team the "Rejects" (was the Fuck-Ups taken?) and never mind that Shiloh today can play a 14-year-old Brad Pitt in a biopic about the Rejects. The real story here is that Brad was obviously born to play the title role in The Curious Case of Ann Jillian.
And scoot a pixie dust skid mark over that picture because it is definitely Peter Pan Dude-approved!
I haven't stepped inside of a church for centuries, because they only have one kind of wine and all the magazines in the pew racks are boring. But lord, after seeing these pictures of Marilyn Manson and Taylor Momsen at the Revolver Golden God Awards, I just want to throw an abuelita-approved praying veil over my face and head to the nearest altar to pray to Guadalupe, Concepion, Mercedes, Charo, LaDonna, La Whisper, Ruby and all the other saints. This mess looks like a mock satanic ritual held in some goth teen girl's garage. The only thing it's missing is a father turning on all the lights and telling Taylor that it's dinnertime and her bloated, grown lesbian friend needs to go home.
Who knew that the way to make Marilyn Manson's crotch more terrifying is to put Taylor Momsen's Top Ramen ass weave in front of it? Then, when things couldn't get even worse, Johnny Depp (click here to see his ass perform) came out to play with MM. Once I finish barfing from all my holes over Marilyn slobbering on Taylor like she's pie, I'm going to barf some more over the fact that for a quick second I mistook Johnny Depp for Adam Ant.
Almost three years ago, President Obama united most of the American people when he said that certified jackass Kanye West was a jackass for popping the rainbow-coated bubble around real-life Anne of Green Gables, Taylor Swift, at the VMAs. Well, some things never change like Hillary Clinton's devotion to business casual glamour (see: her scrunchie) and Obama's thoughts on Kanye. While writing an essay for The Atlantic Wire on Kanye West's transformation into a fishsticks-loving, Macbook-breaking, crazy in the brains musical genius of sorts, writer David Samuels met President Obama at a fundraiser in NYC and asked about Kanye again. David and Obama's conversation went something like this:
Samuels: I have a question I want to ask you, Mr. President
Samuels: Kanye or Jay-Z?
Obama: Jay-Z. Although I like Kanye. He’s a Chicago guy. Smart. He’s very talented.
Samuels: Even though you called him a jackass?
Obama: He is a jackass. But he's talented.
I see you trying to get your approval ratings to hit the clouds, Obama. Seriously, Obama could get re-elected for a history-making four more terms by running on this platform and this platform alone. But you know, something in the milk ain't clean about the Obamas' love for Jay-Z and Beyonce. First, Michelle Obama declares her love for Beyonce and now Obama is declaring his love for Jay-Z? AND Beyonce has suspiciously (not really) written an open love letter to Michelle Obama? Hmmm....
This reminds me of an e-mail I got from an anti-Jay-Z crazy when I wrote something semi-nice about Beyonce: "MK, what sound do you make when Jay-Z fucks you in the ass with a fat stack of hush money?" (True e-mail.) The answer to that is, I beg him to please direct deposit that fat stack of hush money into my checking account next time, because all the paper cuts in my ass tunnel are screwing up my social life.
While promoting The Lucky One in Australia, Zac Efron was asked by radio hosts Mel & Matty (Side whisper: The boy one looks like an SNL cast member playing Zac Efron in a skit) to demonstrate his impressive one-handed bra removal trick. That's cute, but Zac doesn't ever have to strain his precious fingers by taking off a bra. Zac just has to raise his perfectly-manicured-at-an-exclusive-brow-salon-in-Beverly-Hills eyebrow and the clothes magically drop and the body magically contorts into the spreadeagle position.
But on a serious note...
Is this a strike against the gay rumors or does this tell us that Zac can snap off a jockstrap with the flick of a wrist? Whatever the case may be, this just made John Travolta's titties perk up like they're trying to get closer to Xenu.
Here I was thinking that Panthor already mourned the divorce of the Dark Hemisphere's first couple, but nope! Skeletor and JLo are legally still married, but he officially filed a do not resuscitate order for his dying marriage in Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday. That's your cue to hand Panthor a crying cloth, because he's going to be a mess all day.
People says that Skeletor (born name: Marco Antonio Muñiz) checked "irreconcilable differences" as the reason why his marriage died like JLo's vocal cords when she tries to hit a high note. Skeletor doesn't want to pay spousal support and is asking the court to give him joint custody of the 4-year-old Dragon Tales Twins.
This will be Skeletor's second divorce and JLo's (drum roll, fire up the glitter cannons....) THIRD!
JLo's left ring finger will turn green and fall off if she doesn't have a wedded cock ring on it all times, so I'm sure that at this very second Casper Smart is at Friar Tux's toddler department getting fitted for a tuxedo onesie and a ruffled diaper. JLo will marry that baby. This only bothers me, because that means JLo will be one failed marriage closer to taking over Elizabeth Taylor's record! Larry King can still get married, right? That means necrophilia marriage isn't completely illegal in California. Somebody please marry Elizabeth Taylor's grave, so she can hold on to the record FOREVER!
When Mel Gibson announced that he was producing a movie about legendary Jewish warrior Judah Maccabee, anybody whose brain hasn't been logged with jacuzzi water could clearly see that he was only doing this to make people forget that he spends his off hours punching yarmulkes while sticking his nasty peen in a fleshlight modeled after Eva Braun's pussy. Well, Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter Mad Mel hired to work with him on the script, just learned this BRAND NEW information and let that ho have it in a 9 page letter.
Clueless Joe from Hannibal, DUH should've kept it simple by simple writing, "Dear Mel, you're a glum cunt. Fuck off. I hate you.," but instead he detailed the reasons why working with Mel was the worst professional experience of his career. Warner Bros. rejected Joe's script and he blames it all on Mel. In the letter magically obtained by The Wrap, Joe writes that instead of focusing on the script, Mad Mel raged about murdering Oksana Gregorieva during ass sex (Side Note: Strangely enough, that sounds like a scene Joe Eszterhas would write.) and constantly referred to Jews as "oven dodgers." So yeah, it's just Mel being Mel!
Here's a few choice quotes, but click here if you need to say DUH on a loop while reading a 9 page letter:
On Mel's love of slurs: "You continually called Jews 'Hebes' and 'oven-dodgers' and 'Jewboys.' It seemed that most times when we discussed someone, you asked 'He’s a Hebe, isn’t he?' You said most 'gatekeepers' of American companies were 'Hebes' who 'controlled their bosses.'"
On how Mel thinks the Holocaust is basically a work of fiction: “You said the Holocaust was 'mostly a lot of horseshit.' You said the Torah made reference to the sacrifice of Christian babies and infants. When I told you that you were confusing the Torah with The Protocols of the Elders of Zion, ... you insisted 'it's in the Torah -- it's in there!' (It isn't)."
On how Mel is always just being Mel: “I’ve come to the conclusion that the reason you won’t make ‘The Maccabees’ is the ugliest possible one. You hate Jews."
On how Mel threatened to put a hit out on Oksana: “You were raving at Oksana even after you’d reached a custody agreement over Luci.... And then you were even more explicit about your threat: 'I’m going to kill her! I’m going to have her killed!' You said you’d become friends with two FBI agents (or former FBI agents) and they were going to help you to kill her.”
On how Mel is still as romantic as ever: “You said, 'I want to fuck her in the ass and stab her to death while I’m doing it.'"
Mel, his publicist and three bottles of Valium all got into a room together and wrote a calm open response to Joe and released it to Deadline. Mel says that Joe made a lot of that shit up, but he also apologizes for using "colorful" words.
I will acknowledge like most creative people I am passionate and intense. I was very frustrated that when you arrived at my home at the expense of both Warner Brothers and myself you hadn’t written a single word of a script or even an outline after 15 months of research, meetings, discussions and the outpouring of my heartfelt vision for this story. I did react more strongly than I should have. I promptly sent you a written apology, the colorful words of which you apparently now find offensive. Let me now clearly apologize to you and your family in the simplest of terms.
Contrary to your assertion that I was only developing Maccabees to burnish my tarnished reputation, I have been working on this project for over 10 years and it was publicly announced 8 years ago. I absolutely want to make this movie; it’s just that neither Warner Brothers nor I want to make this movie based on your script.
Honestly, Joe, not only was the script delivered later than you promised, both Warner Brothers and I were extraordinarily disappointed with the draft. In 25 years of script development I have never seen a more substandard first draft or a more significant waste of time. The decision not to proceed with you was based on the quality of your script, not on any other factor.
If Mel's "colorful" words were a Crayon color, it's name would be, Anti-Semite Sepia or Razzle Dazzle IHATEFUCKINGJEWS Rose.
What can you really say? I'd be more shocked if Mel Gibson didn't say crap like this. If you put a grey wig on top of Hilter's anus and asked it to frown, it would look like Mad Mel so none of this is surprising at all. I've heard that Joe isn't exactly as innocent and pure as a newly grown hair on a virgin angel's taint, but there's one small fact that leads me to his side.... THE DUDE WROTE SHOWGIRLS, all other arguments are invalid.
Leann Rimes tried to recreate Rihanna's UMBRELLA video. Unfortunately, shooting had to stop when she sat on the prop. - Tulipan
When Posh Beckham accidentally showed her reptilian self many people could not tell the difference. - oh dave
Submitted by on Wed, 04/11/2012 - 9:45pm.
I always wondered what would happen if Gary Busey's teeth had sex with John Travolta's butt plug... - GingeMinge
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