As Jessica Simpson's unborn baby celebrates her 2nd unbirthday with an amniotic fluid pool party, her ex's wife decided that somebody needs to give birth and popped out a boy. Yes, Chace Crawford is a tia now! Tia Chace! Tony Romo and his wife Candice Crawford (who sort of looks like Chace if you squished his face and threw a blond wig on his head) pushed out this statement to UsWeekly:
“Hawkins Crawford Romo is now a part of the Dallas Cowboys family. He came into this world on 4/9/12 at 5:30 p.m., 8 lbs. and 8 oz. All is well with mom.”
HAWKINS CRAWFORD ROMO?! Doesn't that just plop off of the tongue like a concrete brick. Try not saying that out loud or a stranger bitch might give you the Heimlich maneuver since it'll sound like you're choking on a chicken bone. Hawkins Crawford Romo does not belong on a birth certificate, but it does belong in bronze letters on the door of a damn law firm in the San Fernando Valley. And I bet their stupid asses are going to call him Hawk. Hawk Romo. You know, they should call him Hawk Romo, because that's actually a good name since it sounds like an amateur gay porn star turned WWE wrestler turned bounty hunter.
How many calico cats were skinned alive to make Rooney Mara's weave? - Just Jared
Chris Evans is always making furrowy faces like a worried puppy or a constipated puppy....who is also worried - Lainey Gossip
Madge's MDNA breaks a record, just not the record her ass was hoping to break - Towleroad
BREAKING: Beyonce spotted without the color blue on for the first time in weeks! (Unless, she's tricking us all by wearing waterproof blue nipple paint) - Celebitchy
Jessica Simpson made a joke, I think - The Superficial
Ick. Nast. Save it for your escort ad, bitch! - Hollywood Tuna
Things That Shouldn't Exist: Bobbi Kristina's reality show - The Daily What Gossip
And then Halle Berry raged at a seagull and accused it of being a mole hired by Gabriel Aubry - Popoholic
Please tell me Ricki Lake's witness chanted "GO RICKI! GO RICKI! GO! GO! GO RICKI!" as she walked down the aisle - ICYDK
Julia Roberts in a bikini. The end. - Popsugar
And Katherine Heigl added, "I did not feel that Naleigh gave me the material to warrant a Mother of the Year nomination, so I am withdrawing myself from the competition." - IDLYITW
Keep your eyes closed, baby, KEEP THEM CLOSED FOR DEAR LIFE!!!!! - Crunk + Disorderly
One of them is Katy Perry, right? - The Berry
PETA (not the breadmaker) vs. Katniss - Videogum
Paul McCartney almost joined Heather Mills at the one shoe only store and he has Demi Lovato to thank for that - I'm Not Obsessed
Even Zac Efron has "Zac Efron's naked ass cheeks" on his Google Alerts, because three seconds after his Hostess bottom cakes went viral, the most beautiful man princess in the land closed the terry cloth curtain and is not about to give us an encore. Now Zac Efron can prance around with his twinkly b-hole out without having to worry about paps with zoom lenses taking his picture for all us disgusting, moral-less piece of trash pervs to see. HOW SELFISH OF HIM! Oh well, at least we'll always have (NSFW) this Photoshopped picture of Zac Efron wearing Not Zac Efron's dick.
Let this clip from the local news warn you about the dangers of texting and walking at the same time. The next time you do it, you could be mauled by a wild bear and you only get one cell phone bar in a bear's stomach. But seriously, the thing that bothers me the most about this clip is that the dude freaks out and runs away like the bear that's staring him down is John Travolta. That's not how you deal with a bear in 2012. You're supposed to stop, take a tall video of the bear, upload that to YouTube, take a picture and upload that to Instagram before changing your Facebook status to "is about to slide down a bear's froat to meet Jesus." Come into the now, ho!
Remember back in 2010 when Melissa Etheridge's ex-wife Tammy Lynn Michaels brought the melodramatic starving street urchin theatrics in a blog post where she said that she's barely surviving on the $2,000 child support she gets every month and that she's nourishing herself with tap water from a neighbor's garden hose and dirt pies? That poem was one of my favorite things from 2010, because every time I read it that Sarah McLachlan song started playing in my head as I pictured Tammy Lynn staring up at me with weak, hungry eyes. Well, that "SCREW THE STARVING CHILDREN OF THE WORLD, WHAT ABOUT ME?!" rant must've paid off, because sometime between now and then a judge upped her child support to $23,000 a month! But guess what? It's still not good enough for Tammy Lynn.
TMZ says that Tammy Lynn filed papers in court claiming that it's not fair that she's getting ONLY twenty three Gs a month while Melissa is making over $177,000 every 30 days. Tammy's savings is all dried up, she'll need "extensive retraining" if she joins the workforce again and she says she's used to the luxurious lifestyle she lived while with Melissa. Tammy also accused Melissa of brainwashing their children to hate her and now the kids won't even give her a hug (Tammy says that like it's a bad thing).
Melissa is fighting back by filing her own papers claiming that Tammy accidentally burned one of their kids with a cigarette and refuses to give her 50/50 custody because she didn't give birth to them. Melissa also attached this email that Tammy allegedly sent her ass:
You have to support so many households because YOU BROKE SO MANY HOUSEHOLDS, silly. If you had decided to have one ounce of integrity/honesty as a person or partner, you would NOT be in this predicament. Think about it.
I know Tammy Lynn is a crazy, delusional, money-hungry drama queen, but I love the game she's playing. You have to respect a hustler who went from eating dirt pies to eating dirt pies stuffed with filet mignon and it's still not good enough. I love how Tammy says she needs "extensive retraining" to get a job. I could lick that line dry. Wasn't Tammy an actress? What kind of retraining does her ass need? If cardboard person Blake Lively can do it, so can she.
But Tammy really does need more money a month. I bet the cigarette she accidentally burned her kid with was a Marlboro. Marlboro are for the poors only! Tammy is the kind of woman who should only be sucking on platinum-tipped skinny cigarettes imported from Monaco. Melissa is seriously A MONSTER for doing that to Tammy.
Looking like a giant pot of salty twink soup, the reason why your teen daughter (straight or gay since at least one of them looks like a beautiful, beautiful lesbian) and gay teen son haven't stopped screaming their tonsils raw for months bared their nipples to the sun and all dipped into the Sydney Harbor this afternoon. My brain is a place where memories die, so it's impossible for me to memorize the name of every one of these One Direction dudes. Can we just call them Danny, Jordan, Donnie, Jonathan and Joey? Or is Posh, Scary, Ginger, Baby and Sporty easier?
I know this is the part of the post where I'm supposed to say which one I'd hit, but the answer is none of them. I'm serious. I just can't slobber all over a piece who wasn't even born when my first pube sprouted up and who looks at me with question marks in his eyes when I start quoting Maid to Order! But you know who's not like me? Madge. I bet she's down in her dungeon, running her claws against these pictures and drawing a circle around the one she's going to order first.
File this under: Dear Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies, this bitch is stealing your beauty secrets!
There are at least half a dozen members of the Former Fiances of Jennifer Love Hewitt Support Group, so the real life Miss Prissy definitely knows how to catch a man (it's the "not scaring him away by telling him she wants to surgically connect their fingers together so they can hold hands FOREVER" part that continues to elude her ass). JLove has caught a man by putting a plate of buffalo wings under a net and by whining him into a date, but she tells UsWeekly that the easiest way to attract peens is with vanilla!
"I carry McCormick's Pure Vanilla [in my purse] -- the baking kind -- and dab it on my neck. Men are attracted to the scent! One time, I put it on and four different guys were like, 'You smell amazing!'"
This bitch is going around smelling like step 2 in a cake recipe or like a candle in your nana's powder room. Sure, wearing Eau de McCormick's could get you a KFed in heat, but you could also turn to the side to find Kristie Alley nom nom nom-ing on your neck like she's trying to get to the creamy part. But you know, JLove wasn't lying when she said that vanilla has a serious effect on men. I mean, just look at that picture of JLove with her Client List co-star. After sniffing on JLove's cookie-smelling neck, you know he went home and fucked the crumbs out of a box of Nilla Wafers.
Pete "Dreamboat" Doherty opened up to NME (Side note: You're not alone if the words "Pete Doherty" and "opened up" in the same sentence makes your brain burp up the image of Goatse.) about how all he could do was shit, cry, yodel, shit and shit after his best friend and partner in fuckery Amy Winehouse died. Shit got so serious that Dreamy was close to needing a scuba kit to breathe under the rising scat stew that almost drowned him. Dreamy said:
"When Amy died I was sat in a matchbox room in Camden Town, not able to leave, basically wallowing in my own filth. Literally knee-deep in shit. Literally not able to move. I couldn't speak, I couldn't see anyone, I couldn't pick up the guitar and when I did pick up the guitar it was woeful ballads about how Amy wouldn't be coming round tonight. It wasn't a very inspiring time."
On a positive note, at least he got a bath, even if it was a scat bath. I swear, I need to scrub my brain with a Baby Wipe after that visual and I'm surprised this is the first time I've had that visual since rolling around on a bed of caca seems like a regular day for Dreamy.
And yes, after all that, I still would, but sucking on his knee caps is out of the question!
Mayim Bialik (correction: that's Dr. Blossom to us) has said a million times before that she and her husband aren't conventional, in society's terms, when it comes to raising their two sons, 6-year-old Miles and 3.5-year-old Fred. And now Dr. Blossom has put all her holistic parenting tips in a new book called The Sling: A Real-Life Guide To Raising Confident, Loving Children The Attachment Parenting Way. In The Sling, Dr. Blossom writes about how she doesn't use diapers during potty training time, doesn't force her boys to sleep by themselves and isn't putting a date on when she's going to retire Fred's mouth from her nipple. Basically, Dr. Blossom is QUIRKY!
While promoting the book, Dr. Blossom talked to Newsok.com (via Daily Mail) about the philosophies of the attachment parenting method and how she knows it's not for all families, but it works for hers. Here's a few pieces from Dr. Blossom's interview that I've pre-chewed for you so it goes down easier. CAUTION: EXTREME HIPPINESS AHEAD:
On how they all sleep together as a family and how baby soap is devil smegma:
The progressive parents live in a very small Los Angeles home — their one-bedroom has two mattresses on the floor on which the family co-sleeps.
The children don't have a playroom filled with the latest toys — Bialik and Roosevelt have made a conscious decision to keep their material lives simple and minimal. “Our society's obsession with consumerism, especially in the realm of baby things, baby soaps and baby products. ... That's something that my husband and I, partly for frugality and partly for environmental reasons, have really rejected.”
On how letting babies piss in their quilted chonies can confuse them later when we tell them to sink the toilet Cheerios with their piss streams:
In “Beyond the Sling,” Bialik also writes about elimination communication as a form of early potty training that encourages parents to recognize their child's natural signals instead of waiting until the child is older, then introducing the toilet.
“You're basically training your child to use their pants as a bathroom and then two years later we have to turn around and do all sorts of complicated manipulations to get them to unlearn that,” she said.
On how she's letting Fred decide when he's had enough of her leche knob:
They were breast-fed until ready to quit — Bialik still nurses Fred sporadically, as he slowly weans himself.
What I've learned from this is that raising babies is hard, it requires a lot of thinking and it's really, really fucking weird.
Dr. Blossom wrote a piece on her blog last September about how she tried to wean Fred off of her titty, but doing so made her realize that she'll just let him suckle on her nipple until he's done done. The last time I wrote about breastfeeding, La Leche League slapped me with a leaky nipple and squirted a whole lot of TRUTH into my eyes. They were right. I know nothing about breastfeeding. The closest I've come to breastfeeding is the time some trick was sucking on my nipple knob and made a sour puckery look like he just sucked up something gross. It was probably just a little old shower gel that was stuck up in there. I don't know. I also don't know if nursing a child with teeth makes your nipples look like chewed up pieces of pizza sausage (I'm sure there's nipple rejuvenation surgery for that). But I do know that Dr. Blossom seems to care about not raising a couple of douchebags and I can appreciate that.
Although, I will side-eye that bitch if in 20 years she uploads a video of her squirting chichi leche into Fred's mouth after he takes a bite of his wedding cake.
The not so subtle glory hole on wheels has started popping up at carnivals everywhere. - tiny monkey
One banana in this picture will never, ever be eaten. - Sweetas
Sadly, three days after this photograph was taken, Todd was found covered with bruises, sharing a dumpster with week-old Chinese take-out. - burpfartsneeze
Speak clearly when you ask Patti Stanger to fix you up with a guy. I asked for somebody with good manners, not 'banners. - OurMissC
via Poorly Dressed