So this is what the Spice Girls were talking about when they were trying to tell us what they really, really, really want. Actually, since these dudes brought it up, what I really wanted was a video of Prince Hot Ginge's flaming crotch bush brightly flickering above his massive dick head, but I guess this is the next best thing. That said, Michael Jackson is not amused by this and neither are my nostrils, because I can smell that situation from here.
At The Lorax premiere (the fucking Lorax premiere) a couple of weeks ago, the most beautiful boy fairy in Hollywood, Zac Efron, went "one, two, three, drop condom, five, six, seven, look shocked, nine, ten, eleven, smile at all the dumbasses thinking I actually fuck." It was about as staged as Lindsay Lohan accidentally dropping an AA chip in front of the paps. Scratch that. That's not possible, because I don't think they sell AA chips at the Chateau Marmont gift shop. But they should! Anyway, back to Zac.
Zac was on Today this morning to talk about that Lorax mess and Matt Lauer asked about him the condom thing. Matt blushed, Zac blushed and I wondered what happened to journalism. I mean, Matt just brought it up, giggled and moved on. I know Matt is probably in on it, but he could've snuck in at least one follow-up question. Why does Zac think anyone would believe he uses big dick condoms when we all know that he is a Ken doll brought to life by Disney and has no pokin' parts down there. Whatever, I'll lay off of Matt. Being the balding slut bag that he is, I'm sure he was too hypnotized by Zac Efron's Maybelline beauty. You know how Matt gets while in the presence of stunningly gorgeous women.
One of the longest running jokes (besides me somehow making a full-time living off of blogging for the past 5 years) is that Jennifer Aniston keeps a delivery gown in her closet and every Thursday afternoon she goes to the nursery of a local hospital to coo and aww at one of the newborns like she's its mother. What I'm saying is that Jennifer Aniston has long been painted as a pathetic and chronic baby-wanter, but she tells CBS This Morning (via SS) that everybody but her is obsessed with what is happening in her womb. Jennifer says that she doesn't need to take a whiff of diarrhea fumes from her newborn kid to feel satisfied:
“That doesn’t measure the level of my happiness or my success in my life, in my achievements, in any of that. I feel like I’m 30. I honestly didn’t start to feel my best until was in my 30s. Physically, I started eating better and taking better care of my body, in terms of being physical and exercise.”
Jennifer Aniston couldn't be more right. Babies don't equal happiness. What really equals happiness is a backyard pool full of Grey Goose (which Aniston has), a supple coat of many leathers (which Aniston has, it's called her skin) and zillions of dollars from playing herself in shit movie after shit movie. But the best thing Aniston has is a nursery full of Cabbage Patch Doll. CPDs are better than real babies, because they stay small forever, have yarn for hair, can't shit and you don't have to worry about them growing up and pulling a Tyler Hadley on your ass in the middle of the night. Aniston truly has it all! And if you still don't believe me, here's a glimpse into Aniston and Justin Theroux's future:
Nowadays, the only Oscars Lindsay Lohan will be invited to is the duplex apartment of her dealer Oscar Garcia who wants her to come by to test taste a new kind of liquid coke that can easily pass for lemon lime Gatorade. However, LiLo's hoping that around this time in 2017 she'll be a guest at the other Oscars. LiLo's routine "I IZ SOBERZ THIS TIME, GIVE ME A JOB" interview aired this morning and I've already covered most of the shit that slipped out between her pool noodle lips, but she was also asked about Whitney Houston's death (*crickets*) and said that she hopes in fives years she'll be at the Oscars. Obviously, LiLo still has charred ass lips from not being nominated for her whore de force performance in I Know Who Killed Me. Below is a piece of LiLo's interview this morning (the bright shiny gem of delusion is at the 3:18 mark):
What LiLo should've said is that in five years she hopes she has surgically removed her leech of a mother from her ass, has a fresh new wig on her head that doesn't look like a Sally's Beauty Supply special and has animatronic cheeks that can move by themselves. Ho is so obsessed with the Oscars. Who does she think she is? Sean Young? Bitch wishes. Sean Young wouldn't have half-assed the delusion either. She would've come to the interview wearing a Faviana original and carrying a fake Oscar trophy from Party City. There can only be one Sean Young, LiLo, so stop trying.
And why is she blaming her past love relationships on most of her fuck ups? Unless the names of her past lovers are Rock Crackson and Cokie Cokesters, she has nobody to blame but herself....and her pieces of shit parents.....and her plastic surgeon....and that wig.
I could try to write a 4,000 page series of horror novels in the style of Bram Stoker solely based on the Wildenstein-ing of Lil' Kim's face and the Top Ramen-ing of her crunchy weave, but it's THOSE BROWS that are giving me a headache from the chorus of terrifying screams trying to bust out of my head. This is Kim at last night's Rip the Runway and loooooooooord.
Lil' Kim could make an exact replica of La Toya Jackson's face out of puppet skin and fix it onto the front of her head with silicone staples, and I'd say, "Eh." Lil' Kim could pull chunks of old weave out of Beyonce's plumbing pipes and tack it onto her head using Elmer's and I'd still say, "Eh." But Bitch has gone way too far when she's made her eyebrows look like something a waiter at Olive Garden should have in his hand while he asks me if I'd like freshly grated cheese on my chicken alfredo. Those brows look like mustard powder too. Brows should not look like a condiment!
I just want to rip off those chimney brush lashes and scrape off that dusty shit on Kim's brows. Kim wouldn't totally look like a Medusa Bratz doll if she didn't bread her brows (brows milanese?). Okay, yes she would, but still.
I swear, this is the reason that I cry. Those brows look diseased. I wish Kim had a PayPal donation button next to those brows, because I'd put a few dollars in so she can take them to see a gynecologist. Don't let anybody tell you that yeast infection brows are the look.
Maybe it's because the coffee I injected directly into my eyeball veins took a detour and hasn't hit my brain yet, but that picture of Beyonce played a trick on me for a second. I thought Beyonce forgot to take off her Tempur-Pedic baby pillow and accidentally wore it underneath a fugly-print silk blouse from Cache. But nope, that's Blue Ivy Carter under there and I'm surprised she's not glowing like she's just suckled on the holy liquid of the sun, because that picture was taken just a day after Beyonce breastfed her in the middle of Sant Ambroeus Restaurant in NYC. A witness tells UsWeekly that they felt the world stop underneath their feets when Beyonce fed the chosen one in the middle of the restaurant. The roof blew off, the halo around Beyonce's nipple plate blinded everyone and lives were changed!
Yeah, this story is about as exciting as watching a spit ball dry on a bib, but here it is from UsWeekly:
Count Beyonce Knowles among the millions of mothers worldwide who are proud to breastfeed their children out in the open.
Escorted by husband Jay-Z, the "Girls (Run the World)" singer, 30, took along daughter Blue Ivy, seven weeks, for a casual lunch at Sant Ambroeus in NYC's West Village last Saturday. And Beyonce nursed her little girl at her the table, an observer tells Us Weekly. Two additional sources confirm to Us that the first-time mom has been breastfeeding her daughter.
It was very gracious and heart-giving of Beyonce to bless a dozen eyes with the spiritually maternal image of her sticking her nipple in Blue Ivy's mouth and I'm sure the La Leche League has already crowned her as the new Patron Saint of Titty Feeding, but there's something very un-Beyonce like about all of this. Beyonce breastfed B.I.C. in front of all those mere mortals?! For free?!
You'd think Beyonce would order her bodyguards to clear the restaurant and then a team of set decorators would be brought in to transform the restaurant from peon eatin' place into a breastfeeding heaven complete with a sparkling milk waterfall and a duo of back-up dancers (Michelle Williams and Kelly Rowland since they ain't got shit to do) singing "If you're hungry then you should put your mouth on it" around B.I.C. That's how B.I.C. feeds! Something in the titty leche ain't clean.
MTV gave up on trying to discern between shows - this shot is from their newest endeavor, The True Life Real World I'm 16 & Pregnant in Rob Dyrdek's Fantasy Factory (and I just want my pants back). - orinacorina
Baby on Board. Never thought it'd need explaining. - TexnDoc
With this photo as evidence, Janet can easily pass off her hideous stretch marks as road rash! Clever girl, that Janet. - cs182
*skater/stoner voice* Whoa, check out this TOTALLY gnarly partial-pipe abortion! - MrsJCaesar
Hank, the cat who has hacked up a hairball into the ring for the Virginia Senate seat! Hank is 9-years-old, can lick his own asshole, will bring you a gift of a mouse head he found in the garden, is box-trained, has the common courtesy to sleep with his eyes open instead of closed while people are talking (a priceless skill for Senate meetings), won't disagree with you when you call him a pussy and was born with the inability to produce a fuck, so he's already much more qualified for politics than his competitors George Allen (R) and Tim Kane (D). Hank is running as an Independent and has released this statement directly from his office in the bathroom sink:
From the very first day, Hank has been a fighter. Born to a single mother living on the streets, Hank, his mother, and his siblings were taken to an animal shelter and sat on death row. Shortly before their execution, Hank and the rest of his family were saved by an animal rescue group called Animal Allies. Hank was adopted to a loving family, and was raised by his adopted brother Sammy.
Being from the streets and having nothing, Hank learned the value of hard work. Putting himself through school while working, Hank was simply too stubborn and driven to let his disadvantages dictate his future. After graduating with honors, Hank quickly entered the business world and brought himself up to start and run a number of successful local companies.
Hank’s story and dedication have inspired all who know him, and he realized that his ideas and unique life experiences could help his community, his state, and his country. After much encouragement, Hank decided to enter the race for US Senate.
If that doesn't convince you non-Virginians to move to Virginia just so you can drop one in the box for Hank, then this video will. (Note: Don't let that freeze frame fool your ass. Hank's campaign video isn't a reenactment of the Full House opening. But this definitely needs more Kimmy Gibbler.)
Meow, we can! And nobody tell George Allen and Tim Kane that they can make Hank freeze up during debates by tying a sock around his body.
Justin Bieber (18)
Jensen Ackles (34)
Esther Cañadas (35)
Mark-Paul Gosselaar (38)
Javier Bardem (43)
George Eads (45)
Maurice Benard (49)
Russell Wong (49)
Tim Daly (56)
Ron Howard (58)
Catherine Bach (58)
Alan Thicke (65)
Dirk Benedict (67)
Roger Daltrey (68)
Harry Belafonte (85)
(Picture via Feast of Fun)