And by "everybody" I mean Christina Hendricks (who is EVERYTHING) and that Olivia Munn person. You might have been wondering why every chichis-lover with internet connection in your life locked themselves in their bedrooms today and stuffed a towel at the bottom of the door so their musky fap fumes don't get out. Now you know why. Cell phones pictures allegedly of Christina Hendricks and Olivia Munn with their titty balls out somehow made their way onto internet this holy day and I fully expect both of them to pull a Blake Lively by saying, in their best Shaggy voices, that it isn't them.
For real, though, some of those pictures might not be them. The picture of Christina's magnificent chichis in their nipplelicious glory could almost be anyone. It could also be a rare picture of the fluffy clouds in heaven since I'm pretty sure that's what the landscape in heaven looks like. You can judge for yourself by grabbing your Detective La Toya kit before clicking on this NSFW link (via ONTD).
And those captions to Chris Pine on Olivia's pictures are all kinds of hilarious. I need her to write my Craigslist ads! If Olivia wrote that shit, she should really quit everything she's doing and write comic book porn full time. And about that "big, long dick" thing, we all need to see that receipt, in high-res and laminated form preferably.
UPDATE: TMZ is saying that a few sources close to Olivia Munn claim that the pictures without her face fully showing are not of her. Olivia has posted those other pictures on her Twitter before. So there's nipples in the pictures, but the nipples in the pictures do not belong to Olivia Munn.
SECOND UPDATE: Christina Hendricks' rep tells TMZ she was hacked and all those pictures are of her except the full nipple one. So just like Olivia, the nipples ain't hers.
Gabriel Aubry has made a lot of coins from flashing his nipples and beauty in ad campaigns for Charisma, Louis Vuitton and True Religion, but he still doesn't have enough money to give his daughter Nahla the fancy life she's accustomed to. Nahla's childhood will be scarred unless there's the roof of a mansion over her head and she's got a Blue Ivy-approved wardrobe in her solid gold dresser. Gabriel can't pay for that fancy shit himself, so he's asking a judge to force Halle Berry to fill his gold digger jar with enough money to rent a fancy house, buy Nahla fancy clothes and take her to visit his family in Canada on a fancy plane. Basically, Nahla is THAT fancy.
Gabriel wants a chunk load of money including $15,000 to $20,000 a month to rent a house. The judge was supposed to rule on this mess next week, but it's been pushed into April. Gabriel is in danger of losing his custody rights of Nahla, because of the whole "nanny accusing him of raging on her" thing, so the family law judge is waiting for a decision from the dependency judge before ruling on the money thing.
These crazy ass bitches have to get crazy over the tiniest things. You know, I barely visited my dad after my parents got divorced, but when I did I had to sleep on a pull-out polyester couch (again, a polyfuckingester couch) in the living room. That shit was busted and I think the springs in the janky mattress took my butt virginity way too soon. Did my dad ever drag my mom to court to get her to give him enough money so he could give me the life I was accustomed to by renting a glamorous 3 bedroom tract house complete with a bedroom set from Levitz? No, but he should've, because I had to go through his bedroom to get to the bathroom and one time I caught him getting down with my one-legged stepmother. I haven't been the same since. So I say, get that money, Gabriel!
"Live From New York, It's...It's....Can You Hold That Cue Card Up Higher? I Can't See My Next Line!"
And just like that, a thousand "Since when does this bitch have trouble doing lines?" jokes were born.
After a full week of whoring out her SNL gig in interview after interview, Lindsay Lohan finally hosted SNL last night and showed us all that she probably should've spent less time whoring out her SNL gig in interview after interview and more time rehearsing her
LiLo's opening sketch (click here if you can't see it above), she made fun of her crackie ways, which was kind of awkward. Robert Downey Jr. making fun of how he broke into a ho's house a million years ago and took a nap is funny. LiLo making fun of getting pat down for 8-balls it just awkward since I'm pretty sure she still gets pat down for 8-balls on the regular. Doing that shit live was obviously way too much for LiLo to snort up at once. Because LiLo was best (that isn't saying much) in the pre-taped Real Housewives of Disney sketch, which really should be made into a real show (click if you can't see that mess below):
In the other sketches, LiLo seemed extra shifty and had the energy of a soft dick in a tub of ice water. The writers barely used her ass and when they throw her some lines, she read them the same way a nervous and hungover 9-year-old with severe constipation reads in front of his class. Bitch was not ready for this shit. Overall, it wasn't the comedy comeback LiLo was hoping for, but it also wasn't January Jones levels of suck. That said, the producers should've cut the entire show and just showed us 90 minutes of standby host Jon Hamm giggling at the camera.
If you want to watch the whole thing and your computer has American citizenship, click here. And here's a few pictures of LiLo, the gorgeous White Oprah (and her shar pei chins) and Jill Zarin at the after-party.
Roxy Hardy (as played by Leilani Sarelle), Catherine Tramell's crazy, murdering lesbian lovah in Basic Instinct. When the cinematic masterpiece from the gods Basic Instinct first came out, my young ass wasn't allowed to watch it since my mother felt that ice pick murder, pussy shadows and Michael Douglas' bare ass was not something a 13-year-old should see. I know, I wish I would've told my mother that I was going to grow up to be a big immoral slut anyway, so she shouldn't have wasted her energies on trying to stop the inevitable.
Anyway, when I finally watched Basic Instinct, I learned that, yes, all the hype for Sharon Stone's coochie was called for, but where was the love for the extremely hot Roxy? Roxy's face was always set to BITCH and she taught us that breaking out 80s aerobic moves on the dance floor during the 90s is okay. Roxy also taught us how to spy on your piece on the dance floor while busting out extra sweet moves. Watch and learn (at the 2:00 mark):
Taking the focus off of a topless dude in a black vest by doing the side-to-side bob is just one of many of Roxy's gifts.
Ivy Queen (40)
Andrea Bowen (22)
Whitney Port (27)
Len Wiseman (39)
Chaz Bono (43)
Patsy Kensit (44)
Evan Dando (45)
Sam Taylor-Wood (45)
Jason Newsted (49)
Steven Weber (51)
Patricia Heaton (54)
Mykelti Williamson (55)
Catherine O'Hara (58)
Adrian Zmed (58)
Emilio Estefan Jr. (59)
Ron Moss (60)
James Ellroy (65)
Bobby Womack (68)
Paula Prentiss (75)
Carroll Baker (81)