When I first read the headline earlier that said James Franco's character in the feature film version of TruTV's Party Heat called Spring Breakers was based on Riff Raff, I was so pissed to learn that the Riff Raff his character is based on is not this Riff Raff:
It's the other OTHER Riff Raff who was on Vh1's From G's to Gents. The real Riff Raff is bragging to everyone that Harmony Korine offered him the role, but he couldn't take it since he was too busy working out of the country (aka working three shifts in a row in the stock room of a Pier 1 knock-off store in Ohio called Out of the Country). So James Franco took the role and is shooting this movie in between taking Polaroid pictures of squirrel urethras for his art school thesis and executive producing a Nickelodeon show based around a family of turnips.
When I look at James Franco in this mess, I don't see the "rapper" Riff Raff. I see the Rocky Horror Riff Raff (I'm trying to cover all the Riff Raffs in one post) after injecting himself with the essence of Gary Oldman's True Romance character and gaining 90 pounds by cutting his meth with Bisquick to play a KFed impersonator in a Cash4Gold commercial. Franco is nailing it!
Who knew that James Franco could pull off the "middle-class suburban douche trying to seem street by telling everyone that he was raised in the projects of Detroit" look so well? And to answer my headline question, yes, I'd hit it just to watch those A cups bounce. I bet James Franco's peen tastes like sour milk and his jizz has the consistency of cottage cheese, so I better bring a can of peaches.
And let's just pretend that the yellow-weaved beauty in the blue bathing suit is Hottie from Flavor of Love. I mean, she kind of looks like Beyonce.
Johnny Depp knows he needs to get his shit together (see: bathe in Borax) when John Mayer is walking around looking like a clean Johnny Depp - Lainey Gossip
In a shocking turn of events, Adrianne Curry put her tits on Twitter again - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Please lie to me and tell me that next to reason for divorce it said: BOSSY BOTTOM TAYLOR LAUTNER - Celebitchy
"Preggo Bathing Suit Hose Down" sounds like an actual movie starring Uma Thuman and directed by Quentin Tarantino - Hollywood Tuna
Mark Bingham's mom finds the most polite and eloquent way to say, "Fuck off, Carson Daly" - Towleroad
Fisting fun with John Travolta and Sylvester Stallone - The Berry
I'm a little disappointed that Baby Aleph Milliwhatever isn't wearing a cap and gown after graduating from Harvard 21 years early - Popsugar
I hate Gwen Stefani for wearing those jeans and I hate the 90s circuit queen she stole them from - Popoholic
They're not kissing, Kurt Russell is just feeding Goldie Hawn bird-style. See the power Cher Horowitz has?! - ICYDK
Gale almost killed Thor - The Superficial
Elle Fanning welcomes to the ginge to her hair - Just Jared
Boy toy's boy toys - Cityrag
Isn't that Minka Kelly trick always "single again"? - Celebslam
That's not a coffin! That's Jessica Simpson's birthing pod! - The Daily What
Lily Allen sort of kind of just had a baby so I will give her a pass for those Minnie Mouse ass shoes - I'm Not Obsessed
Jerry Lee Lewis' seventh bride proves that you're never too old to get into the gold digging game - Hollywood Rag
Right before the 1990s were about to begin, the 1980s let civilization know one last time that it will forever remain the most beautifully fucked up decade by sending Nine Inch Nails out to perform on Dance Party USA. Stereogum says that a NIN fan found the buried clip from 1989 and uploaded it to YouTube to remind everyone that the 80s didn't mess around. Before you begin to guess that NIN only went on the show after they were blackmailed by the producer who found a dead hooker in their van, let me stop that thought before it starts and let Trent Reznor explain this mess:
Many years ago, a young and naive Nine Inch Nails were asked what TV shows they'd be interested in appearing on. As a joke (and likely drunk), they thought of the most absurd choice they could come up with at the time. They were then informed their bluff had been called and were actually booked on said show... They hopped in their Honda Civic touring vehicle (hatchback) and travelled many miles to (I think) NJ for the big show. They had a laugh making fun of the people, their fashion choices and hairstyles. Life was good. Years later, the internet is discovered... There's a moral in there somewhere. Come to think of it, Skrillex may indeed owe me some publishing on that hairdo...
You know, I thought I was here just to watch kids in outfits from Charlotte Russe try to figure out how to move their limbs to NIN. But now I know I'm really here for Trent Reznor's SCRUNCHIE!
Wearing teal pants that made it look like she's smuggling Cisco Adler's family jewels in her crotch, Lindsay Lohan sashayed into court in L.A. today for what could be her last date with Judge Stephanie. After being on probation for a million eternities, LiLo finally did enough community service for the California Justice System to say: "Okay, now it looks like you're not totally fisting us in the ass without Crisco."
Judge Stephanie gave LiLo a pat on the freckled taint by saying she's done everything she's supposed to do. Judge Stephanie then lifted formal probation off of LiLo for her 2007 DUI, but kept her on informal probation for snatching that necklace. Judge Stephanie then dropped some words of advice into LiLo's (those words hit the court room floor after they fell out of the other ear):
"The only terms left for you on that case are to obey all laws. Not that hard. I know it's kinda hard when people are following you all over the place but that's the life you chose. Stop nightclubbing and focus on your work."
LiLo then thanked Judge Stephanie for being fair, because this has opened so many doors for her. Specifically, the doors to Chateau Marmont's mini bar and cocaine closet (they have that, right?), because White Oprah and LiLo are victory partying their livers out tonight. And then it's off to Toronto where LiLo will start shooting bullets into Liz Taylor's memory by playing her in that Lifetime movie. Nail down your strollers and 8-balls, Toronto, here comes LiLo!
Huffing several thousand cans of White Rain hairspray has officially turned Michelle Duggar's brain into a magical mound of WTFness that spits out hilariously random facts for our enjoyment. The mother of 19 children and counting sat down for an interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network (via Jezebel) and was asked her thoughts on people saying that she's sucking up the world's resources by turning her vagina into a popcorn popper. The dull twinkle in Michelle's eye globes while she listened to that question is the same dull twinkle I had in my eye globes when I was rollin' on ecstasy. And the same answer she birthed out of her mouth is the same answer I'd give if I was rollin' on ecstasy. Michelle says that there's not too many people in the world, because if you put all of us shoulder to shoulder, we'd fit in the city limits of Jacksonville, FL.
"Well, first off, the idea of overpopulation is not accurate because, really, the entire population of the world, if they were stood shoulder to shoulder, could fit in the city limits of Jacksonville. So if you realize that aspect of it, we realize we're not anywhere near being overpopulated."
I must've been absent the day they covered this in overpopulation class at Snapple Bottle Cap University, because I did not know this. That fact probably dropped out of Michelle's ass when her 19th kid popped out, but if it is true, then this just confirms that there are too many people in this world! I mean, in a couple of years when most of the earth is covered in water (source: my ass) and the only land left is Jacksonville, FL, we'll all have to stand shoulder to shoulder. Make sure you're standing next to someone hot, because the only thing you'll be able to do is give your neighbor a handjob and maybe nibble the hair of the ho in front of you. That's it.
Let me put it this way, I can probably fit 10 dicks up my ass, but that doesn't make it right. (Note to the dudes who might've read my Craigslist ad looking for ten dicks to shove up my ass at the same time: I didn't mean that last part.)
Michelle then went on to say that her family does everything to keep their carbon footprint to a size 2 by buying everything used and making their own soap and shit. Michelle also thinks that her children will be the ones paying for social security since they will be upstanding citizens of the world while your children be lazy, greedy, government-sucking assholes. Oh, and apparently people from other countries are begging us Americans to pop out more kids, because their death rates are so high and we need to even shit out. And Michelle also dropped this beautiful shiny gem of wisdom:
"I agree with Mother Teresa when she said, 'to say that there are too many children is like saying there are too many flowers'"
Hmmm. That's interesting, because I believe it was also the late great Mother Teresa who said: "PUSSY AIN'T A CLOWN CAR, BITCH!"
The globs of smegma I sneeze out during allergy season tells me that yes, there are too many flowers. That all being said, I love Michelle Duggar, because she regularly makes me give birth to 19 lols and counting. I just want to hug Michelle, but that's mostly because I want to create a distraction for her war torn uterus to make its grand escape.
After humping on Jenny McCarthy for all those years and making my eyeballs barf by professing his love to Emma Stone in a video love letter, Jim Carrey has finally found true love with a 30-year-old Russian student and he's getting ready to make her his third wife. Star says that Jim started licking on Anastasia Vitkina's glorious globe head last year and shit is getting so serious that he's planning to put an engagement ring on her finger. Gold diggers of the world, prepare your shovels for the victory salute! A source close to Jim puts it like this:
"Jim is going to propose! He's absolutely crazy about Anastasia and couldn't be happier. Anastasia is really smart, but what he likes best about her is her sense of humor. She makes him laugh -- Jenny would drive him to tears."
Jim confessed to Anastasia, 'It's not always easy being with me, in more ways than one. But he added, 'I promise to make it worth your while.'"
I always knew deep down that Jim would find love with a Russian woman who looks like what would happen if Amanda Seyfried artificially inseminated herself with Brian Peppers' jizz. Anastasia is perfect for Jim. Whenever he starts to really act the crazy (example: by pulling a prenup for her to sign), Anastasia can use her Plymouth Rock forehead to head butt him back into real life.
Gary Busey spent 7 minutes in heaven, LITERALLY, when he temporarily died on the operating table while neurosurgeons repaired his damaged brain after a serious motorcycle accident in 1988. Since Gary's frequent flyer miles include a trip to Heaven, he is an authority on the interior decorating style of God. (You ain't the only one, Colton Burpo.) So when it came time to shoot a scene in Heaven for that movie where Gary played a reincarnated Pomeranian dog, he refused to act in the scene, because the Heaven set didn't look like Heaven at all! Curtis Armstrong (aka Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) told this story when the AV Club (via Videogum) asked him what it was like working with the crazy sparkle of Hollywood:
AVC: Yeah, sorry for dragging this one up. But this was a movie where you appeared alongside Gary Busey, who plays a software tycoon who dies and is reincarnated as a dog. Busey’s such a weirdo force-of-nature that we have to ask about working with him.
CA: It was just what you’d imagine. That’s about the best way to put it. We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and he was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, “I can’t play this scene.” They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.
But then on top of it, one of the guys playing an angel, had also died and come back. And this guy got into an argument with Busey about the way Heaven looked! The two of them wound up coming to blows and they had to send everybody home. So there you go. That’s what we were working with.
Gary Busey fighting with an actor in an angel costume about what Heaven looks like IS what Heaven looks like.
No mirrors in Heaven means no Kardashians in Heaven! Heaven truly is Heaven. But why doesn't anyone ever come back from Hell? They're always coming back from Heaven. Do they even have sofas in Hell? Are Hell's sofas just giant CROCS? Do they have mirrors? If they do, does the reflection of a topless Pimp Mama Kris look back at you every time you go to style your hair with House of Dereon gel (the #1 hair gel in Hell)? Somebody please tell me if there's mirrors in Hell, because I need to know how many bottles of Windex to bring when I'm packing for my trip to my afterlife.
The suffocation of Blue Ivy continues! To keep the breath and glares of peons from tainting her holy bundle of infinite light, Beyonce strapped a sapphire-encrusted oxygen mask over Blue Ivy's breathing area and shoved that baby under her sweater thing to carry her out of a doctor's office in NYC yesterday. You can't tell from these pictures, but thousands of Beyonce's followers gathered around and begged the chosen one to rebuke their ailments from their being by placing her tiny foot on their foreheads. And by ailments I mean sore hairlines caused by extreme lace front wearing and the guilt they feel from visiting Basement Baby's MySpace page. (Yes, I said MySpace page. I mean, MySpace is the basement of social media, so it's fitting.)
But seriously, I see what Beyonce and Mama Tina are doing here. Beyonce knows how much attention she got from conspiracy theorists thinking that the only thing she was pregnant with was stuffing made by Serta. So Beyonce is milking more attention out of conspiracy theorists by covering Blue Ivy's holy face so it looks like she's carrying around a House of Dereon Cabbage Patch Doll.
I'm all for Beyonce's stuntin' ways, but can she please stop suffocating the color blue. Bitch acts like she owns that color. I can't even pull a blue shirt out of my closet without thinking about Blueonsay's ass. The next time a pair of blue balls dangle in front of me, I don't want to think about Beyonce. Bitch is going too far with the blue. We should look into filing a class action lawsuit against this blue-hoarding ho. Take back the blue!
This mashup of Black Swan and Mr. Mom didn't even look good on paper. - erichitchmo
The Duggars won first prize in the Interpretive Dance Competition entitled: "How Babies are Made" - SalmaNella
Ben Affleck still isn't quite sure what it does, but he's relieved that a boy came out of it. - MundoLoco
via Awkward Family Photos (Thanks, Chris)
Torani, the masters of coffee ridiculousness who already brought you Bacon Syrup and who will eventually bring you Felch Syrup and Chicharones & Hot Sauce Syrup will put a little Roscoe's in your coffee cup this April. Torani's Chicken n' Waffles Syrup is the perfect way to start your day and it's also the perfect way to tell those around you that you have given up on life. Just add a splash of vomit and a drop of whiskey, and it would be like eating at Roscoe's at 2am after a night of boozing. Personally, I can't mess with this mess, so it's all yours. The best part of eating chicken n' waffles comes when the crunchiness, greasiness, doughiness and stickiness has an orgy in your mouth and you're not sure if you want to swallow it, but you do it anyway. You can't bottle that kind of culinary magic!
And I don't know if this is a selling point for Torani or not, but their Chicken n' Waffles Syrup is the same stuff that's going to shoot out of Jessica Simpson when she goes into labor. If you want a drop of Jessica Simpson's birthing fluids in your mouth, get yourself some Torani Chicken n' Waffles Syrup!