After January Jones' baby Xavier Dane came out of her coochie in a block of ice and she chiseled him out, her frozen placenta slid out on a plate of dry ice. Just like all bitches (and some human moms) do, January decided to eat her placenta. But instead of turning it into a placenta bear to terrorize her baby forever or blending it with some rum (a placentarita!), January dried it with her ice cold bitch glare and turned it into vitamins. January tells People that her doula said placenta pills are like nature's Prozac!
“I have a great doula who makes sure I’m eating well, with vitamins and teas, and with placenta capsulation.
Your placenta gets dehydrated and made into vitamins. It’s something I was very hesitant about, but we’re the only mammals who don’t ingest our own placentas. It’s not witch-crafty or anything! I suggest it to all moms!”
I usually stuff myself with meat instead of the other way around, but if I popped out a placenta, would I stir fry it with some Hamburger Helper and serve it at a BBQ or some shit? Probably not. Would I pull a January and swallow that in a pill? Probably. Why not? I mean, January does have a point about the animal thing. I try to do whatever my dog does. My dog licks ass, I lick ass. My dog eats barf, I eat McDonald's....
After a white load was shot onto Kim Karkrashian's hair and back, she cracked the bulges of plastic in her face by laughing it off like it was nothing. If Kim left it at that, the stunt would be forgotten and nobody would be writing about it. Pimp Mama Kris taught Kim how to turn flour into whorenade, so now she's whining about how she's thinking of pressing charges and now everybody is writing about that mess again (including me, which is why I cry at the bottom of a lukewarm shower at night). The plastic bag of whore farts told leaf carrier Giuliana Rancic that what happened to her is not right and it took attention away from the charity she was promoting (aka the charity being herself).
"I said earlier no I wasn't [going to file a complaint]. I am just going to think about it, because I don't want someone to think they can really get away with that. So we are going to handle that.
I was laughing it off earlier and, you know, I think that is the only thing I knew how to do at the time. But I just think it is such a shame that someone like that...would ruin an event, or attempt to ruin an event, that was based around, not only my fragrance, but this organization, Dress For Success. I mean that's what the event was about. These women flew in from all over the country to be a part of this event, that are underprivileged women, that really got the shine taken away from them a little bit. That's why I am calling in now. I feel bad that it was kind of derailed from that.
Now that I think about it and had some time to digest it. I think, 'What if that was some other substance? What if that person had a dangerous weapon?' It's scary. And what's even scarier is this woman acted as if she was a part of the press. She just came out of nowhere! And so we are definitely changing things up a little bit, amping up security, taking some measures, and...I'm gonna definitely deal with it because it is not acceptable."
Getting splattered on made this bitch famous and getting splattered on AGAIN is stretching her 15. If this shit wasn't a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim still got attention for it. If this shit was a stunt to promote her stupid bottle of ass juice, Kim STILL got attention for it. The real losers in this is all of us. Correction: The real loser in this is that flour, because it was wasted on that twat when it could've been used to make delicious cupcakes. Think of the cupcakes.
UPDATE: TMZ says Kim will press charges against the ho who splattered flour on her. And we should all press charges against Ray J for making Kim famous by splattering his jizz on her.
St. Angie's fame whoring leg was almost like the one night stand of memes. We were all pretty much drunk to the fuck on Oscar night, so we dove onto Angie's leg and did things we wouldn't normally do like follow its Twitter and Photoshop it onto Meryl Streep's split chicken. We went wild on that witch's walking stick of a leg. Then when morning came, we were all grossed out by what we did and washed the shame away in a cold shower. Well, now it's back to haunt us thanks to HuffPo. They asked the fame whoring leg's owner what she thought about how most of the world NelsonHaha-ed at her trying so hard she nearly pulled her femur out. Angie has the humor a dried crotch berry and I think my b-hole has pushed out a laugh more than she has, so obviously she's brushing that shit off as frivolousness:
"I honestly didn't pay attention to it. You know what I mean? I don't watch those TV shows and if I go online and see something about myself, I don't click on it. And the people I surround myself with don't really talk about that kind of stuff. [Laughs]. I heard something, but I didn't pay any attention. It's as simple as being a woman picking a dress you like and having a night, and not really thinking about anything else."
So what St. Angie is saying is that she doesn't bother with such trivial ridiculousness, because she's too busy single-handedly saving the lives of every third world orphan, slowly sucking the ever-loving life out of Brad Pitt until he's just a patch of grey pubes covered in tanned skin dust, training a child army to take over the world and nibbling on wisps of air for nourishment? If that's what she's saying, then HO IS LIE-TELLING. You know she spent hours choreographing that STUNT QUEEN move with Maddox and you know she swallowed up that attention like it was a vial of low-cal, sugar-free virgin's blood.
Post Fortified Oat Flakes - Oh damn, the memory of this cereal was completely erased from every part of my brain until I was at the airport yesterday and the name popped out of some hippie's mouth when he was talking to his hippie-ish girlfriend about how he's been looking for this shit for his entire life, practically. Post Fortified Oat Flakes was sort of like if Wheaties took a bath in maple syrup milk and then dried out. It tasted like wheat, if wheat mated with an oatmeal cookie. Moms loved this mess, because they thought it was a bowl of healthy and kids loved this mess because it tasted like a maple tree's yeast infection (sorry). Post stopped the fortified fun sometime in the 80s or 80s and there's a few Facebook pages out there begging them to bring that shit back. If you're one of those fortifiedoatflakeheads who are craving for your next fix, lick on a maple tree's yeast infection instead. It's practically the same thing!
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