So that's why it's almost like summer in NYC. It's isn't from global warming (it's totally from global warming)! It's because the apparent heir to the American ginger throne, 1-year-old Max Ellington Nixon-Marinoni (Prince MEN-M) is heating up the sidewalks with the curly halo of flames on his head. No, Cynthia Nixon's hair didn't burn off from being that close to Max's short fro of sparks. Cynthia shaved it all off to do Wit on Broadway.
The rapture has been re-scheduled for a later date, because the world can't end now that a miniature Rojo is here. Prince Max saved us all!!! (See also: ginger babies are the best.)
I refuse to believe that an actual human baby passed through the poon of Lizzie McGuire. I am choosing to believe that she picked up a baby from the cabbage patch this past weekend and I'm sure if you looked at his birth certificate, that shit would have Xavier Roberts' signature all over it. Anyway, as Jessica Simpson's 4-year-old unborn baby telecommutes to preschool from the womb, Hilary Duff and her husband Mike Comrie are holding their brand new baby friend. Hilary declared herself a new mom on Twitter today:
Welcome to the World Luca Cruz Comrie! Tuesday evening, we became proud parents of a healthy 7 pound 6 ounce beautiful boy.
Lizzie McGuire's ass should've checked CorbinFisher before she went with the name Luca Cruz, because I'm pretty sure there's a porn star on there with the same name. I'm going to pull out my Household Bank MasterCard (don't be jealous) to buy a membership to check on this for Lizzie. (You hear that, IRS? That CorbinFisher membership is for official research. Research! So don't come at me when you see it on my tax return! The same goes for my Sean Cody membership, Brazzers, Big Sausage Pizza, etc...)
But seriously, if Baby Luca is an exact hybrid of Hilary and Mike, we're not going to know where his teefs end and his forehead begins. On that note, let's end with a song:
"Accidental drowning, heart disease and doing the bad shit" is what is going down as the official cause of death on Whitney Houston's death certificate. The L.A. County Coroner's office released their official report to the media today and in it they say that Whitney accidentally drowned in the bath tub at the Beverly Hilton. The Coroner adds that the effects of atherosclerotic heart disease and snorting Lohan powder also contributed to her death.
In addition to the cocaine, Benadryl, weed, Xanax and Flexeril were also found in her system, but they didn't have anything to do with the reason for why she floated off to heaven. TMZ is hearing from some source close to the investigation that it's possible Whitney had a heart attack brought on by coke use that caused her to lose consciousness and drown. Investigators never found coke in Whitney's room. Insert rayjitwasntme.gif here.
The makers of the Danny DeVito in Drag Real Doll really need to focus more on its eyebrow situation - Celebitchy
In "a couple that WTF spit out" news, RiRi might have taken a late-night ride on Ashton Kutcher's douche stick - Lainey Gossip
Sometimes I just look at Miley Cyrus and think to myself about how I really just want to open a bottle of Pabst on her teefs - Hollywood Tuna
Nicole Richie has come a long way from her Sports Illustrated: Auschwitz Edition body - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Can someone start a Tumblr featuring the faces of Twihards while watching this shit? - Towleroad
January Jones and Jon Hamm have that "doing blow and shots of Jack all night" glow about them - The Superficial
Even Katherine Heigl's crotch is making a bitchface - ICYDK
MiserAlba blows a bitch air kiss at us - Popoholic
Not sure how I feel about Gwen Stefani's peroxide lion mane - The Berry
Happy birfday, Chupa Jr.! - Popsugar
Speaking of Chupa, I thought this was her annoying assistant at first and nearly threw up bananas and I didn't even eat bananas today! - SOW
What in Blade Runner on acid hell? - Just Jared
Okay, but which one is playing Casey Anthony again? - Moe Jackson
Let the campaign begin: ROJO FOR HUCKLEBERRY! - Hollywood Rag
Pig in a sink (not a Snooki post) - Cityrag
Jessica Simpson just fell in love - The Daily What
And this is how the Chace Crawford and Joe Man-Jello fanfic porn starts.... - I'm Not Obsessed
We're only two days into spring and the flowers are already starting to bloom. One of those flowers, Courtney Love, spread her pollen all over a Ferragamo party in NYC last night. I don't know if Courtney Love went to the party right after she shot a cameo on Law & Order: SVU as a drunk Staten Islander hooker whose waterlogged body gets pulled out of the river. Or if she came to the party right after her drunk and waterlogged body got pulled out of the river. Either way, I bet that when she coughed up cigarette smoke, wet leaves came out too. This is why I always stay away from the water whenever I'm drunk and turning tricks on Staten Island.
One of Jezebel's readers sent them this picture from a Safeway in Tucson of a janky "THINK OF THE CHILDREN" shield covering Jessica Simpson's Photoshopped from head-to-belly naked body on the cover of Elle. That cardboard sign has been there for a full week, which tells you that people who shop at the Safeway in Tucson, Arizona are really good at following rules, because if that shit was at my neighborhood grocery story someone would've tagged over it with "Please Do Fap To This" by now. When Heidi Montag (yes, she still exists) barfs out her second album, she should release it exclusively to the Safeway in Tuscon and put a "PLEASE BUY THIS" cardboard sign over all ten copies. It will sell out!
No word on why Safeway chose to censor Jessica's nekkid ass body, but here are four theories:
1. Because she's naked.
2. Because she's naked AND knocked up.
3. Because due to Elle Photoshopping Jessica to infinity and beyond, they don't want their shoppers to get a distorted body image complex.
4. Because Papa Joe is in town and the last time he saw that cover in public....he...well...you know...
Whatever the reason is, it's a dumb fucking reason. That cardboard sign shouldn't go over Jessica's body. It should go over her mouth, so the bitch can stop talking about how her coochie is going to shoot out an amniotic fluid tidal wave during labor.
Remember in the tween days of the Internet when Carnie Wilson gave a live gastric bypass surgery show online? That made bitch a vanguard in oversharing on the Internet. I don't have my Carnicería Wilson timeline in front of me, but if my ass remembers correctly, she had her "Oprah and a kiddie wagon full of lard" moment when she bared her skinny nipples in Playboy after losing the chunk. But then Carnie got married and had some kids, which she says brought her back to the fat. Carnie tried to sweat her way back to skinny bitch on Celebrity Fit Club, but that didn't really work out for her. So Carnie tells People that she put her ass back on a surgeon's table in January and got lap-band surgery. Carnie has since lost 30 pounds.
"It was the right decision for me and I'm doing really well so far. It's all about taking good care of myself."
Lord. Carnie's digestive system has been tucked, nipped and cinched more than Mickey Rourke's face and John Travolta's dick tunnel. Carnie has fucked with her stomach so much that it's about to quit her by sliding out of her ass. If that happened, all the food she ate would make a fallingdownawell.wav sound as it free fell through her body before dropping out of her poop hole. That's probably what her ass wants. But you know, I can't judge Carnie for this at all. If I could cinch whatever is left of my brain with a silicone band to stop me from feeding my head with trash (see: Kuntrashians, Snooki, creampie porn, HSN and reruns of Property Brothers), I would. No, I wouldn't.
These pictures of Jeremy Sisto having a special "let's play 'Suck and Blow'" moment with a panting ball of fluff are almost three years old, but it's never too late to get eye servings of dogs and beards. And the blank look in that dog's eyes might best express your feelings about what Jeremy named his 8-day-old son.
Jeremy and his wife Addie Lane named their 2-year-old daughter CHARLIE-BALLERINA, so you know they're walking hand-in-hand with fuckery. Addie gave birth to a boy on March 14th, but it too a good minute for the name to come to them as they dropped acid while watching The Neverending Story. Jeremy Tweeted (via People) his son's name last night and this is what they came up with:
Reading that name might make you feel the same way Cher felt when Elton left her all alone in a Circus World parking lot in the Valley: confused, scared and feeling hot in an Alaia. Maybe it's because I have a soft spot (a really soft spot, a "go to an anus specialist because it's starting to make gushy sounds when you walk" kind of soft spot) for crazy Billy Chenowith, but I sort of like that name. It's totally fucked up. It sounds like the name of a Sebastian from The Little Mermaid-inspired cocktail made with crab juice and hot sauce. It also sounds like the name of a hipster band from rural Canada whose claim to fame is getting one of their songs on an episode of the new 90210. But more importantly....
Bastian Kick is the name of the martial arts move Bastian Kick will lay down on his parents when he realizes they named him Bastian Kick.
The Kuntrashians really know how to stretch themselves over Ray J's "always turning right" dick for some attention and they also know how to stretch out a non-story for maximum exposure. It was over a week ago when your favorite Christmas meal Jon Hamm used Kim Kardoucheian as an example for how the world throws their attention and money at talentless shit boxes. Kim queefed out a response, Jon responded to her response and now the ring that hangs off of Kim's ass lip is responding. Jonathan Cheban is the MAD Cat to Kim's Doctor Claw, so of course he's going to defend the trick that gives him treats in the form of his own reality shit show, but he really outdid himself with this shit. UsWeekly asked Jonathan about the Hamm thing and this is the delusion-wrapped rhinestone that jumped off of his tongue:
"I think Jon Hamm needs to just shut up and stop being such a mad man! He needs to mind his own business, because Kim works hard. They do different things --it's a whole different world. Put Jon Hamm in a mall, and more people will go up to the people working at the Burger King than they will to him. Bring Kim to a mall and there will be a riot. They're in two different businesses. Kim's pop culture and what people like. It's a lot of work, and she's here to stay. Let's see where he is after Mad Men."
This bitch said BURGER KING. You know, Kim is a cockroach with a big ass, so Jonathan does have a point. But seriously, I've never trusted grown men with middle-parted hair before (see: Charlie Sheen, Nick Carter, Russell Brand, etc...), but thanks to Jonathan I'll trust them from now on. Trust them to make me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Both are acclaimed actors. One’s an actor you find super cute. He’s popular and adorable, like dimples and old fashioned dresses. The other’s an actor I find super gross. And dramatic. And full of his own shit. He fronts like he’s dark. He’s difficult. The work is often beneath him. The work is often taken away from him because the attitude that it is beneath him is so often intolerable The two had a torrid affair. Which is nothing unusual, of course not. Except that dimples broke up with drama and drama practically had a psychotic break. There was a month-long spiral. A couple of times he came close to really hurting himself. He also threatened to expose them both, though no one is taking that seriously. As a result, his heartbreaker is trying, ignorantly, to go back to the other side of his bisexuality. (Lainey Gossip)
The only acclaimed actor I find "super" cute is Michael Fucking Nouri and he's about as adorable as a cum puddle in a dimple and an old fashioned dress crumpled up on the floor of the $15-an-hour motel he rented for you and him to fuck in before planning the murder of your husband (No, I can't let go of All My Children's cancellation). What I'm getting at is that Michael Fucking Nouri is SUPER adorable, so it's not him.
But the actor your ass might find super cute is probably Jake Gyllenhaal. I know how you pinched your nipples during Prince of Persia. Although, that had nothing to do with Jake. You pinched your nipples, because that might was so damn bad and you needed to do something to pass the time.
Anyway, I'll say that "Dimples" is Jakey? I'll say that "Drama" is James Franco, because if there's a bitch who wants the world to think he's "dramatic and dark" it's James Franco.
This does make sense, though. Have you been to James Franco's Tumblr lately? The signs are all there. Bitch keeps posting a picture of this creepy ugly American Girl doll with bunny teeth, thirsty hair, cheap fake eyelashes and busted bangs. It's like he's saying to Jake: "LOOK HOW TORN UP OUR DAUGHTER IS. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO HER? TO US?!" And this picture of James with a cookie is his way of saying to Jake: "You'll never chew on this sweet, dingle-ridden treat again!"
This D list (Z list?) former child star is currently in the process of starting his own religion. He’s claiming to have visions and knows when the end of the world is. He currently has about five followers. (BuzzFoto)
I wish the "he" was a "she" and I wish the "she" was Kimmy Gibler! I'd drop everything to join the Kimmy Gibler cult. We'd pray to the eternal scrunchie all day. But this is obviously Kirk Cameron and his five followers are only there for the foot longs.