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The Situation's rep ("I hate my life." - The Situation's rep) pulled all of our dicks yesterday when he said that the charbroiled Don Knotts is currently in an "undisclosed location" to take a much-needed rest from his grueling schedule of screwing last call skanks, getting drunk in a sea of douches and doing non-stop stomach crunches to keep his rock hard 4-pack rock hard (it kind of looks like he has butt abs). The Situation's rep wanted to make it clear that he doesn't have a substance abuse problem, but that was a whole lot of lies in your eyes, because TMZ says that he's at Cirque Lodge in Utah to curb his addiction to prescription pills. The Sitch himself went on his Gawker knock-off blog to pretty much confirm that he's addicted to swallowing little white things:

I want to set the record straight. I have voluntarily taken steps to get control of a prescription medication problem I had due to exhaustion. I have spent the past several weeks getting treatment for this problem and recuperating from my work and appearance schedule. I appreciate my fans support and love you guys.

TMZ also lets us know that The Situation isn't letting his hunger for Adderall or Ambien (or whatever the hell he's guzzling down for "exhaustion") get in the way of him acting like a chewed up piece of foreskin wrapped in delusion. Apparently, the Situation is sashaying around Cirque Lodge like he's the biggest star there.

It's easy to make fun of this orange turtle, but if THIS was your brother, you too would have a stomach full of Pfizer products.

What's most surprising about all of this is that The Situation has fans . I'm guessing that all of The Situation's fans are high on EVERYTHING, so they must be conflicted about this sudden turn of events.

The next time you catch your piece cheating on you with his tramp co-worker at his office (???), drive to the nearest gas station bathroom, angrily chop your long wig into a short wig Billie Jean-style, bind your titties down Brandon Teena-style, join the Marines and dance under a flag right after you burn his "take me back" letter to you. That'll show his ass. You can thank Katy Perry's G.I. Jane wannabe video for that tip. And I think I might've liked this better when it was called Major Movie Star.

I know you've been wondering what certified beautiful wreck Spaz de la Huerta has been up to ever since she was evicted from Boardwalk Empire, so here you go. Same shit, different camera (specifically, Terry Richardson's NSFW camera).

Oh you know, Spaz has been making out with old lipstick, pouting, airing her nipple slits out in public, pouting, airing her belly button slit out in public, making fun of ducks by....pouting, pouting, scratching her culo on a palm tree like the wild creature she is, pouting, going to the ER after she cut her ass lips on that palm tree, pouting and pouting some more while sitting on the toilet because it stings when she cacas thanks to the anal fissure she gave herself from rubbing her ass on that palm tree!

Ricky Martin gives Spain's Vanity Fair EXLUSIVA! pictures of his family and yes I'm mad that his twin on the right has cooler hair than everyone I know. It's very "tamed flock of seagulls." - Towleroad

On the bright side, at least Wilmer Valderrama isn't trolling Disney's playground for damaged pieces - Lainey Gossip

I wish JLo's gut would tell her to slap herself for being a damn fool - Celebitchy

The handicapped inbred jokes write themselves - The Superficial

Kate Moss is just airing out the goods, or maybe this is her way of telling her arch rival GOOP to suck her twat - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Dominic Purcell works his pec cleavage - Hollywood Tuna

Nightmare brought to life: BROWSTACHES! - The Berry

Yes, Jennifer Lawrence has chichis and here they are - Popoholic

The moment a pap told Katy Perry that a Smurf just pooped on her head - ICYDK

I think I'm more interested in who that dog is dating - Popsugar

Brace yourselves backstage people of Broadway, because Rosie O'Donnell is going to terrorize your asses next - OMG Blog

"Why do you think it tastes like Cheetos, though?" - ScarJo to Jessica Biel when talking about Justin Timberlake's peen during filming for that Psycho mess - Just Jared

It's a good thing most weaves can stop a bullet - Crunk + Disorderly

Hamm, please - Videogum

When do we get to the part where the whale wave slaps that screaming lady? - The Daily What

Surprise, surprise, Miss Bahamas looks hot in a bikini - Celebslam

Now you too can own the kitchen floor where Swizz Beatz probably screwed one of his many side pieces on - Cityrag

These Holly Madison pictures are so natural! - Hollywood Rag

That dress will probably look better on the walls of a budget room at Circus Circus - Hollywood Rag

Mischa Barton's only job right now is picking out an outfit to wear to aimlessly wander around L.A. looking for paps to take her picture, so you'd think she'd do better than this mess right here. But this is Mischa Barton we're talking about. Mischa normally dresses like a 1970s West German mom who hasn't been the same ever since she crawled out of an LSD hole. So looking like Madonna's Blonde Ambition tour violently hugged her and left a mark is an improvement! And at least it looks like conditioner has touched her hair within the past month.

Vanessa Paradis sort of kind of denied that VaJohnny was over, but the rumor that she's staying home with the chirruns while he's out there being a drunk slut is still around. The latest rumor from InTouchWeekly (aka The Grain of Salt Times) is that Johnny spent the night in the den of a Trollsen and didn't want anybody to know about it. On February 26th, Johnny slid into Ashley Olsen's Tribeca troll chambers and tried to make a slick escape the next day by exiting out an office building connected to her apartment building. An e-mail went around to office workers telling them that Johnny was coming through because he wanted to escape from the paps. But a source says that the truth is Johnny didn't want anybody to know he was up in a Trollsen's cave.

It turns out the star, 48, was secretly leaving 23-years younger Ashley’s loft after a sneak slumber party. Arriving in the afternoon of February 26, Johnny hunkered down in Ashley’s Tribeca digs until noon the next day — nearly 24 hours later. “It was quiet in her apartment, like it was just the two of them in there,” an insider recalls, and though no one outside can know what happened, “It didn’t seem like it was just a visit between friends.”

Whatever the twosome were up to during their overnighter, it certainly left Johnny exhausted. When the star finally left the next day, “he looked like he was out of it,” an onlooker said.

This doesn't make sense for so many reasons. The main one being that if Johnny was up there having drunken, stoned greasy hobo mole rat sex with Ashley Olsen, it wouldn't be quiet in her apartment. The cloud of oily stank wafting off of them as they bumped wet parts would set off the carbon monoxide detector and the sight of those two going at it would make every rat in the building run for their lives. It would be like a scene out of the Rats of NIMH. So yeah, I don't buy it. But if it did happen, now would be a perfect time for Johnny to play that celebrity "going to rehab for exhaustion" card.

via Lainey

This story from The Sun is so fake that if I chopped it into a fat line and laid it out on a mirror, Kate Moss still wouldn't snort it up. But it did lead me to this gem of Fishsticks Paltrow being the third, deflated, greasy wheel to Kate and Liv Tyler back in the day. Kate is totally saying to Liv: "Maybe if I hand this bitch an 8-ball, she'll GOOP away." Fishsticks is totally saying to Fishsticks: "Duuuuuuurrrrrp."

So, both GOOPY and Kate Moss were guests at the owner of Topshop Sir Philip Green's fancy and extravagant 60th birthday holiday in Mexico last week. Apparently, Kate would rather stay at home with her own child than spend 6 seconds with GOOP and the feeling is mutual. So when GOOPY ran into Kate while jogging along the beach, they tried to out-cunt each other and the hilariously fake altercation went something like this:

Kate: Oi, what you out jogging for?

GOOP: So I don't look like you when I get old!

Kate: Why don't you eat some fucking carbs!

As much as I'd like to believe that GOOP has the power to lighten a ho's skin by shading her so much, this didn't happen. GOOP would never jog on the beach in Mexico, because she's too afraid of running into local poors. GOOP runs on a treadmill in her hotel suite while her slaves hold up Photoshopped pictures of the Mexican playa. And Kate was probably so drunk the entire time that when she did run into Fishy, she thought GOOP was just a soggy coke booger that escaped out of her nose and mutated into human form. It's happened before, I'm sure.

UPDATE: Ray J tells TMZ that he's not looking to sell a treasure trove of sex tapes he made with Whitney, because those sex tapes don't exist. And now, we can all truly exhale.

Seeing Ray J's boomerang-shaped dick go in and out of Kim Kardashian as she lazily moaned like a zombie seal falling in and out of a coma has filled me with enough images of his crooked ass peen to last me the rest of my lifetime. Seriously, I'm good. But Radar says that the world's eyes might get poked by Ray J's black snake moan again if he gets his way and somehow posthumously releases a collection of fuck tapes he made with Whitney Houston. Whitney was a not-so-closet freak and so it's not actually surprising to hear that she let the camera roll as she left her doody bubble on Ray J's dick tip. The source tells Radar that Whitney's family has begged Ray J to keep that shit to himself, but because he's a piece of shit leech who is still sucking the life out of Nippy even though she's in the grave, he's itching to sell. The source put it like this:

"[The Houston family has] been in contact with Ray and told him they do not want any photos or videos painting her in a bad light to come out. [They] explained to Ray that now is the time to honor Whitney, not drag her legacy down.

[Ray J's] been stalling to sell, or hand them over, them to Whitney’s family, because he knows he’s sitting on a gold mine.”

This is gross, disgusting, trashy, horrible, blasphemous, deplorable, indecent and I think the best way for all of us to handle this news is by coming up with titles for the sex tape! Let's play. I'll go first:

The Bootyguard (obviously)

Waiting to Sexhale

It's Not Right, But I'll Still Fuck It

Didn't We Almost Deep Throat It All?

Kizz (Lick and Stick It In) My Azz!

You Give Good Head

I Will Always Love You Long Time

Greatest Poon of All

Why Does It Hurt So Bad

There, that should be enough to get me to the middle of the waiting line for the Chinatown bus to the Hell. Your turn!

Here's Reese Witherspoon leaving an eatin' place in Brentwood five days ago and this proves that a fetus has taken a lease out on her uterus for a few months, because pregnant women are the only kind of women in Hollywood who eat food in public and she's so desperate to cover up her baby growing area that she stole a memaw's gardening bag to do so. UsWeekly says that Reese and her husband of a year Jim Toth aren't ever going to announce their first BABY!!! together, so UsWeekly is doing it for them!

"Reese is right around 12 weeks. Reese and Jim have been trying to get pregnant. The timing is right. They're so happy!

Reese and Jim's adorable bundle of chin will be a brother or sister to her kids with Ryan Phillipe: 12-year-old Ava and 8-year-old Deacon.

Thanks to Jessica Simpson's wide open pie hole, I have come to expect that ALL celebrity mom types will spill every tiny little ass detail about their pregnancy. If Reese isn't going to ever talk about this to us, how will we know what her sex pregnancy orgasms are like or how she queefs every time her baby chin kicks her? I already feel cheated!

This fashion designer is known to prefer men young enough to be his sons—or grandsons. But what most people don't know is that his sexual appetite has grown with age. A spy tells us the "sexpig" designer orders male hookers in "industrial quantities" for physically punishing acts. His obsession: fisting. (Gawker)

My first thought was Kunty Karl, because I'm pretty sure Chanel makes black rubber fisting gloves. But Kunty Karl isn't the type. He'd rather sniff the freshly clean locks of a miller's virgin son before nibbling on his trick's fear. Trick poop stuck under his claws is not for him. My second thought was Calvin Klein, because he was old enough to be his last trick's grand memaw and some of his perfume smells like pressed shit, Crisco and yellow dish washing gloves. So I'll guess Calvin Klein?

But for his ass' sake (literally), I hope he's the one giving the full fist prostate exam, because if it's the other way around...lord. That would be like the meat counter at a Chinese supermarket. When you reach a certain age and the fist goes in, you probably have no idea what's going to come out. Your bowels falling out of your ass will totally kill the mood (most of the time). Trust me.

Hollywood could be gearing up for the next big divorce. This gay couple has been together a long time and they’ve already started a family. They seem like the picture of happiness. Here’s the surprising part – the LESS famous half of the pair is cheating with a twentysomething midwestern stud! He flies the hot young guy around and puts him up in hotels and sneaks out to see him when he’s not parading around with his “happy gay family.” During Oscar week he spent every spare minute with his muscular paramour. (Janet Charlton via Blind Gossip)

Elton John and David Furnish? Nothing says "no prenup, no problems" like stepping out on your rich ass husband with a young piece.

Male comedians are weird. They jerk off all the time, and then go on stage and talk about jerking off all the time, for money and laughs. But our nation's most hilarious stand-up comic and critically cherished sitcom auteur adds a thrilling twist to his onanistic escapades: He traps unsuspecting women in his hotel room and makes them stick around until he's done.
We've heard from several sources that this shameless funnyman whips it out at the most inopportune moments, often at times when his female companions have expressed no interest in watching him go at it. A representative example: At the Aspen Comedy Festival a few years ago, he invited a female comedy duo back to his hotel room. The two ladies gladly joined him, and offered him some weed. He turned it down, but asked if it would be OK if he took his dick out.

Thinking he was joking (that's exactly the kind of thing this guy would say), the women gave a facetious thumbs up. He wasn't joking. When he actually started jerking off in front of them, the ladies decided that wasn't their bag and made for the exit. But the comedian stood in front of the door, blocking their way with his body, until he was done.

One of the ladies was so shaken by the episode that she complained to the festival's organizers about the comedian's behavior. She promptly received a call from his extremely powerful manager explaining that, if she valued her career, she would drop it. She valued her career.

When we contacted the victim to check out the story, she wrote back: "first of all, your facts are wrong. and secondly, i don't want to be a part of this story. i'm sure you understand." When we asked her which facts were wrong and if the incident ever happened at all, she wrote: "please don't contact me about this matter anymore. Breast of luck to you."

When we reached out to the extremely powerful manager, he put the comedian's publicist in touch with us. After a lengthy and detailed phone conversation, the publicist agreed to ask the comedian about the incident. Weeks went by and we heard nothing. When we followed up with the publicist, he replied: "Sorry for delay but I never heard back from [him]." (Gawker)

"Most hilarious stand-up comic?" There's only two words that cum on my mind: CARROT TOP!