Maddox's anime hair is a hair curler away from crashing dangerously into "The Rachel" territory - Lainey Gossip
Today's hairy nipple flash brought to you by James Franco - Towleroad
I'm pretty sure Brit Brit "settled" that bunk lawsuit by threatening to get naked and fart again unless Fernando Flores dropped it - Celebitchy
BREAKING: Kristen Stewart cracks a smile, or maybe she's smiling cause she just cracked a fart? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
This link might be a little sticky, so just spray it down with Windex before you proceed - The Berry
The water in Paris has been tainted with turquoise and they can blame Katy Perry's Manic Panicness for that - The Superficial
What Zac Efron and Danny DeVito would look like if they went down on a yellow-haired troll doll - Popsugar
No. - Popoholic
Casper Smart uses his allowance money to take his Sugar Mami to dinner - ICYDK
Zachary Quinto and Jessica Lange will be regulars on next season's American Horror Story...but...but... what about Pretty Girl? - Just Jared
From the desk of DUH - Hollywood Rag
You're welcome very much you're welcome very much! - The Daily What
Just what humanity needs: Jersey Shore Mom - I'm Not Obsessed
(Picture via FameFlynet)
Lindsay Lohan's ongoing desperation tour through every show on NBC made a stop on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon last night and she told Jimmy that she got the SNL job by doing what her mommy taught her (no, not that, the other thing): beg beg beg a bitch until his only options are to give in or FedEx himself to North Korea to escape the begging. LiLo said that she called Lorne before cornering him in L.A. and since he was so tired of her Howdy Doody cheeks invading his nightmares and her threats of handjobs, he threw the crackie a bone.
Jimmy: How did it happen? Did Lorne call you or...
LiLo: Um. No, actually I was calling Lorne.
Jimmy: You called Lorne?
LiLo: Yeah, I was calling Lorne and I kept asking him, and not harassing him, but I wasn't giving up.
Jimmy: You were just like saying, "Can I host? Can I host?"
LiLo: Yeah, I was like, "Can I host? Can I host? Can we do something together?" And he was in L.A., and you know Lorne, he's very straight to the point and he's like, "What about March 3rd? Can you do March 3rd?" And I was like, "Oh yeah, I'm free. I'll make myself free." Because it's so much fun there.
We can sit here and laugh at the 55-year-old wig full of freckles and greasy desperation for being so devoted to the gospel according to pathetic, but guess who got the job, bitch?! If you were dignity-free and spent the early morning hours calling Lorne at home in between snorting lines of White Diamonds to get closer to Elizabeth Taylor, you too would be reading cue cards on SNL this weekend!
And here's Lindsay of Crackrabia leaving her hotel yesterday afternoon.
During a football game in Germany on Wednesday night, Mathieu Debuchy and Olivier Giroud scored a goal together and celebrated by having a beautiful Notebook-ish moment on the field. Queerty says that it set loins on fire and #Debuchy (side note: debuchy sounds like a fancy name for getting your pube bush trimmed) trended on Twitter for hours after it happened. In Europe, they don't even blink their eyes or reach for the lube when shit like this happens. But in America, we pull down the shades, bring out the economy-sized lotion, play this clip in slow motion on a loop and blast Echo & The Bunnyman. Let us frigid-faced prude bitch Americans have our fap fun!
Yes, and I know I need to bond with a Photoshop class. But in the meantime, a laugh is jumping out my throat over how Taylor Swift keeps trying to spread some country sin onto Tim Tebow's pristine peen. Rick Santorum's favorite new IT couple was born on Monday night when they went to dinner with a bunch of friends in Century City. They apparently went as friends, but a source tells UsWeekly that beard extraordinaire Taylor Swift wants Tim to Tebow right over her basket of curly golden love (that's what she's going to call it in the song she's obviously going to write about his ass), but he's not exactly into her. That scent that just trickled up your nostrils is the smell of a beard that just got BURNED. UsWeekly's source said this about Taylor wishing she was the Mary Magdalene to Tim's Jesus:
"Yes, she has a crush on him. She is a massive fan, but I don't think he sees her that way. They actually have been speaking a lot about the Bible and Christianity. Right now it’s on the friendship tip – even though that frustrates her."
Taylor Swift herself is more annoying than a Taylor Swift song, but all these rumors make me like her just a little bit. Taylor is pretending to be an innocent virgin lamb when she's really a slutty snake trying to slither up onto Tim's crotch to rip off his holy water-covered jock strap and fuck his beliefs right out of him. Bitch is like a Wilmer Valderrama in sheep's clothing. I'm not just calling her a sheep, because that's the saying. I'm calling her a sheep, because bitch really does look like a sheep.
I knew there was a good reason for not trusting that shifty My Week With Marilyn movie and this is the reason why. Variety says that director Sacha Gervasi has cast ScarJo to play Jamie Lee Curtis' mom in a movie about the making of the movie Psycho. Alfred Hitchcock and the Making of Psycho was probably inspired by My Week With Marilyn (it was) and it will also star Anthony Hopkins as Hitchcock, Helen Mirren as Hitchock's wife and James D'Arcy as Anthony Perkins. Oh, and again, ScarJo is playing Janet Leigh. I had to remind you of this in case you forgot, because you stabbed yourself in the eye with a kitchen knife after reading it the first time. Don't worry about that eye. You're going to look so much hotter with an eye patch.
This mess of a movie is going to be about all the problems Hitchcock had making Psycho. I'm sure the silver lining in this for some of you is watching ScarJo slowly bleed out chocolate syrup to death in a cold shower, but I say Hollywood needs to leave Psycho alone. It's been through enough. It's still raw from getting butchered in that shitrocious remake starring God's daughter Anne Heche. Let a bitch breathe for you punch it again.
I guess movies about the making of movies is now a thing and it'll be a thing again in 50 years when a waterlogged piece of cardboard with two dough balls pasted to it plays ScarJo in a movie about the making of the making of Psycho.
Looking like my third favorite Wuzzle after Hoppopotamus and Butterbear, Mimi wobbled out of Gotham Hall in NYC last night after hollerin' out her butterfly yodel for the first time since she birthed out Baby Lohan (haven't you heard that Lohan is the new Monroe) and Baby Couscous. Mimi's quest to look as damn helpless as possible continued last night when she messed with her vision by putting on sunglasses with lenses the size of pancake nipples and wore a Divine dress that was so tight all the blood in her body pushed down to her ankles, making her almost immobile. That's just the way Mimi loves it, because she needed the help of two grown men to guide her down an extremely steep and dangerous 6-inch high curb.
Of course, Mimi is the delicate and fragile one even though her husband Nick Cannon is suffering from the sicks. Nick told People the other night that the "mild" kidney fail he suffered from earlier this year was the result of an autoimmune disease that doctors found in his system.
"They kind of say [my] autoimmune [disease] is – like a lupus type of thing, but no one else in my family has it. I feel blessed to be alive. If it wasn't discovered, I don't know [what would have happened]."
Thank the Butterfly Rainbow Unicorn Glitter Queef Sanrio Surprise Gods that doctors discovered Nick's disease and are treating it so he doesn't end up laid up in the hospital again. Not because I care about Nick's health or anything, but because I care about Mimi's delicate nature. If Nick wasn't well enough to help her down the damn curb, she'd still be standing on the sidewalk aimlessly waiting for a save-a-ho hand to guide her to safety. Thinking she's Blanche DuBois and shit.
My new rock bottom blogging moment is opening these pictures of Mickey Mouse's former concubine, Adrienne Bailon, at a Caesars event in NYC last night and zooming in close to see how much of her shaved cheetah is showing. I stared so long that I think it winked back at me or maybe it got the last bit of her dignity in its eye and was trying to blink it out.
Adrienne Bailon was in 3LW in the early 2000s, The Cheetah Girls in 2003 and then she was mostly known in 2007 for being in Rob Whoredashian (yes, that's me suggesting that she fingered that bubble butt on the regular). And you know that saying? Once you go whore, you're shameless to the core! Adrienne brought that saying to life last night when she wore this snatchtacular dress thing. Adrienne told Celebuzz that this dress is in the fashion line she did with her sister, but if it was up to her, she'd free her vagina of its sheer dress prison and always be nekkid ass nekkid.
“If I could come out naked, I would. This is just some fancy stuff to throw over my little naked body.”
BITCH, you should've just come out with your coochie out, because that dress is just stupidly ugly. That peach part looks like the balloon valance from a nursery window. It makes her look like a second tier Las Vegas hooker who's pregnant with desperation. What is the point of that thing?
I will passionately defend a trick who is pushing the ho shit agenda by flashing her coochie to the world, but Adrienne just looks like an idiot. If you're gonna show it, really show it. I love how in some pictures she's holding that ugly peach part down all demure-like and then lets it go right before her chocha sneezes so everybody can get a look at the goods. Please, bitch. You know she put some pepper on her pussy so it could sneeze all night. Atchu!
The gayfetti is still exploding in my head after Maryland became the latest state for me to become somebody's huzzban' during a drunken ass whim (I'm thinking I'll have a Female Trouble-themed wedding in honor of Baltimore's crown jewel John Waters), and now the gayfetti is exploding down below after my eyes touched this picture of Prince Hot Ginge and Prince William partying their nipples off in a locker room. This shit is totally fake and comes from photographer Alison Jackson who is known for creating lukewarm escandaloso royal scenes using a PHG look-alike and a Prince William look-alike (who also does "Left at the Altar Because I'm An Annoying Bitch Now Let's Eat My Tears Off Of My Wedding Cake" parties as Carrie Bradshaw).
Alison put together this level 6 panty creaming moment for UK Cosmo's 40th anniversary. While I appreciate that Cosmo published this picture next to their article on labia decals (I'm guessing), I CAN'T with them and Alison for putting Prince Fake Ginge's ass cheek in the background. PHG's royal nalgas are the money and fake Prince William's face should be in the background. Actually, fake Prince William should really be on the porcelain throne, because judging by his facial expression his end is about to crowneth a turd, as Queen Elizabeth I always said.
via OUT (Thanks, Seth)
You know you're skeevy when the skankiness starts to crystalize. - OurMissC
Looks like someone has finally resorted to ultra-drastic measures to keep those last 23 brain cells in. - dianamarie21
This aint the first time studs have covered her face. - El Bastardo
John Travolta must be in a hotspot, his e-meter is getting 7 bars. - Provolone
Satan's daughter forwent the three sixes for a more glamorous mark of the beast. - jackie
Baby Sloth in a Onesie! You might be thinking to yourself "Can I get drunk from eating the possibly fermented and most likely rotten orange that's been sitting in the cheese drawer of my office's refrigerator for the past 5 weeks?" The answer is a no, but at least your ear holes won't be terrorized by the sound of the crazy bitch in your office screaming at the air about how no one has thrown away that possibly fermented and most likely rotten orange. You also might be thinking to yourself, "Michael, for why is the baby sloth a Hot Slut when that ho ain't doing shit." Yes, technically the staff at Avarios Sloth Sanctuary in Costa Rica are doing all of the physical work, but the sloth is the one bringing the magic!
In this clip, the staff at the Sloth Sanctuary treat a baby sloth with mange by shaving off his body hair before slathering him in lard. This is what it looks like when the Kuntrashians get ready in the morning but this is 100% more adorable and 100% less gross.
And will somebody check on that Kristen Bell trick, because I'm pretty sure she cute spasmed herself inside/out. Also, the next restaurant I go to, I'm so going to order the "uncooked and still alive buttered baby sloth" hoping they bring me a basket full of THIS!