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Beware, if you're drinking room-temperature apple juice or warm, still beer, this mess right here will make you look at your glass with wary eyes. TLC (The Lawdthesebitchesarecrazy Channel) once again challenges your vomit reflex with their latest episode of My Strange Addiction, which features a woman who considers her own piss as the nectar of the heavens. The bathroom at a stadium is like a Hometown Buffet to her ass. Her bladder is like boxed wine and her pee hole is like the spigot. Etc.. etc...

Carrie is a cancer patient who hasn't been to a doctor in years, because she believes she can heal the sicks with the natural medicinal powers of piss. The Linda Hamilton impersonator tells her friend, who should really get her own episode for being addicted to Ogilvie home perms, that she drinks her piss, snorts her piss, bathes in her piss and uses her piss as eye drops. Carrie's piss is even like Dr. Bronner's to her, because she uses it in her hair, on her skin and to brush her teeth. Ho is piss crazy! You know Kim Kardashian's lawyers are putting together a lawsuit against Carrie for stealing her trademarked beauty regimen.

If a ho wants to guzzle on a golden shower, let her guzzle on a golden shower. It doesn't effect me unless I pass out in front of Carrie and she has to give me mouth-to-mouth. (But I've put my mouth on dirtier things, so whatever.) But isn't it really boring drinking the same brand of bladder wine all day, every day? "So Carrie, what are you having for dinner tonight?" "Well, Denise, I'm having a goblet of fine piss that's been aging in my bladder for the past 40 minutes." BORING! Carrie should spice her piss up a bit. Stir a little Crystal Light in there. Better yet, fill a blender with piss, tequila, ice, a splash of lime and have yourself a refreshing urine margarita! If Carrie really wants to get wild, she can nibble on some asparagus and take her tongue on an exotic journey to ew. Because if you're going to drink piss, you might as well have fun with it (© R. Kelly)!

And if you're judging Carrie, ask yourself this, "Have I ever knowingly put Milwaukee's Best on my tongue?" Yeah, so don't act like you're better, bitch.

RIP Yoda: Goodnight, sweet princess of beauty - The Daily What

A simple "I did not have sexual intercourse with dat woman" would've worked fine, Joel - Lainey Gossip

Seeing this trailer for Kathleen Turner's new movie has proven that what the world really needs now is a sequel to Serial Mom. Kathleen Turner saying "pussy willows" makes my ears pucker - Towleroad

Short answer: WE'RE BOTH STUPID AND THIRSTAY FOR ATTENTION. - The Superficial

Still looks more natural than Lindsay Lohan - Celebitchy

CoCo's "itching for a prostate exam" pose never gets old - Hollywood Tuna

Shanna Moakler and Travis Barker's son's snow cone head is so NOW with the grade school set - ICYDK

Zahara puts her signature up-eye away to throw a "haters gon hate" look - Popsugar

Stepford Katie's twisting ankle confirms that she's made of bendable robot parts - The Berry

Stacy Keibler squeezes out her last 15 seconds as "Clooney's girl" by getting a spread in Maxim Australia - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Vanessa Hudgens is giving me "just finished up a Bang Bros. shoot" vibes - Popoholic

If Salma Hayek can wear her pajamas out in public, then I too can wear my sleeping suit of stained chonies and a half shirt out in public - Just Jared

You too would look like a Good Times extra if the only clothes down your basement were Mama Tina's old ones from the 70s - Crunk + Disorderly

Is Ashley Jizzdale in that Spring Breakers movie or does she just normally dress like an idiot? - Moe Jackson

It's like listening to KFed sleep - Videogum

I bet Nicole Kidman totally got ripped off when she bought that Mexican house dress at the border - I'm Not Obsessed

Kate Upton got banned - Cityrag

Leo needs a different kind of bar - Hollywood Rag

Which actor, who recently announced his divorce, really split with his wife for ‘experimenting’ with his younger male costar? (BuzzFoto)

Peter Facinelli and Taylor Lautner? Who knew that the divorce of boring, bland basic ass Kelly Taylor would bleed out so much ESCANDALONESS. This blind item reads like something out of a Twigay's fan fiction, but I'll take it, because it allows me to use the nickname Peter Felchinelli again. Felch a nelly. Oh, yes he did.

There is an actor that is still working today and will always be a B lister because of his acting talent, although he had a very long absence because of these two incidents. No one would hire the Academy Award winner/nominee despite his pedigree because of what he did. Apparently time heals a lot of wounds but when you do what he did, it takes a long time and forgiveness from the two women involved.

Back at the height of his fame which was not that long ago, he met up with this very underage teen who had just hit it big and was partying up a storm. When I say teen, I mean barely a teen, but still the biggest story out there. She was a wild child and was not above getting wasted out of her mind. Frequently. Daily even. No family who cared so she was on her own and this actor took advantage of that and had sex with her. She had sex previously but it was with guys just a little older than her, not a guy in his 30's/40's. He did it more than once. In fact he moved her in with him for about a month and then she got pregnant and he kicked her out and sent her back home to her family. What to do? The family sent her to get an abortion and also to rehab. Nothing really happened to the actor at that time. Later though he got into more trouble.

The actor was involved with a woman who is also an actress and is a good solid B-/C+ to this day. Talented. She is very talented. They had a consensual relationship, although any relationship with this actor was always fraught with verbal and physical abuse. He beat her and yelled at her. She too got pregnant and wanted her to have an abortion. She refused. He would beat her on a daily basis to get her to change her mind. She refused. So, he beat her some more until finally one day she lost the baby. Two days later she was gone and so were his job prospects. Both actresses had powerful friends and this A lister who was on the top of his game just faded away almost instantly. (CDAN)

I don't know, but I do know that I need to cleanse the ick from my palate with a kitten in a hoe garden.

WHICH actress/single mom, who’s never revealed the identity of her baby daddy, is currently in an abusive relationship with a new guy? The unlucky-in-love star was in tears during a girls-only lunch after receiving a barrage of vicious texts from Mr. Wrong! (National Enquirer via CDAN)

January Jones and the charming gentleman in the BI above?

Which Hip-Hop Mogul Is Not Very Discreet About His Gay Romps With Young Men?

Three young men, to be exact, according to the source. They were all "summoned" to the mogul's apartment for some downlow fun. He was very enthusiastic about giving blow jobs and very effeminate, which is odd, considering his rep as a ladies' man. Our source says that he entertained his visitors "while his assistants typed on their laptops and waited for him to finish."

Mr. Mogul doesn't seem to mind that most in his inner circle know of his extracurricular proclivities, but he certainly doesn't want it public. Yet. (Gawker)

Yoga turtle Russell Simmons?

The only time Fergie's diaper changer Josh Duhamel should cut the mop on his head into a mohawk is when he's doing it for a check and that's exactly why he did it. So I shouldn't throw shade by saying that he thinks he looks like Robert DeNiro in Taxi Driver when he really looks like the douchiest cockatoo in the cage. Cockadouche!

When Nick Gordon was around 12 years old, Whitney Houston took him in and raised him as her son even though she never legally adopted him. Nick called Bobbi Kristina his "sister" and she called him her "brother." This leads me to this story that sounds like something out of Doody Bubbles in the Attic. Nick Gordon and both Bobbi Kristina have let out a river of denials over the rumors that they're getting it on. Those denials were classified as INVALID when TMZ posted pictures of Nick and Bobbi Kristina acting more like lovahs than brother and sister. No grown brother and grown sister mouth kiss on each other unless their government names are Angelina Jolie Voight and James Haven Voight.

Whitney Houston's mother Cissy Houston is reportedly grossed out by this sudden turn down Cruel Intentions Road. A source tells TMZ that Cissy told one of her friends that it's "incestous" and that she believes Nick is taking advantage of Bobbi Kristina's raw emotional state. Whitney left everything to Bobbi Kristina and so Nick might be digging for gold. Cissy is currently trying to get Nick evicted from Whitney's house in Atlanta.

Just a few years ago, Bobbi Kristina was using her tongue to say the word "brother" to Nick Gordon and now she's using that same tongue to lick on Nick Gordon's peen tip. When I put it like that, it's kind of gross. But who am I to judge? If my mom adopted my current crush George Lamb when he was 12, and years later he made the moves on me, I'd be grossed out. I'd be so grossed out that I'd stop the heaves from coming up by putting my mouth over his nipple.

"CAUTION: TOXIC DRECKERY AHEAD" signs went up all along Secret Island Beach in Oahu, Hawaii yesterday right before broken glow stick Nicki Minaj smeared her antifreeze wig and butt Skittles all over the sand. Nicki tainted the sea with her neon marker pussy to shoot the video for her song "Starlight." I've stared at these pictures for a good 5 minutes and I still have no idea what Nicki is trying to portray here. Does Nicki play the Loch Mess Monster who has crawled out of the ocean to birth out its spawn on the beach? Does Nicki play Pizzazz from The Misfits who is an object-sexualist and is in an intimate relationship with the sun. Because it really does look like Nicki is imagining the sun's rays as a solar peen and is trying to fuck it. We'll never know. Even when this video comes out and we all waste 4 minutes of our time by watching it, we'll still never know. Nicki is that derp deep.

One time, I popped an imaginary bag of popcorn while watching a bizarre bitch fight between a middle-aged BBC (big beautiful chola) wearing Adidas house slippers with black tube socks and a 20-something manufactured blond trick who obviously had a quote from The Hills as her e-mail signature and who told all her friends she was a personal shopper when she was really a dressing room attendant at Wet Seal. Yes, she was the kind of bitch who says "We also have that blouse in chartreuse!" way too often. The BBC and Miss Wet Seal had it out, because Miss Wet Seal rolled her eyes when BBC asked Miss Wet Seal to take her Juicy Couture tote bag off of the seat next to her so BBC could sit down.

There are three things you do never do to a chola. You never touch her hair, you never change the oldies station on her car radio and you never roll your eyes at her. They went at it the entire time and since you will always wait a minimum of 47 hours at the DMV, it was a marathon show! What I'm getting at is that the DMV is a wondrous place where the carpet is dirtier than the toilets, the employees permanently hate life and two hos from two different worlds create entertainment for everyone by snapping at each other. It's a beautiful. Twitter reminds me of the DMV, because it's a place on the Internet where random feud fights go down. Case in point: The Silver Fox vs. M.I.A.!

Out of nowhere yesterday, M.I.A. called Anderson Cooper out on Twitter for calling her a terrorist during one of his shows. In this fight, the part of Miss Wet Seal will be played by M.I.A. and the part of the BBC will be played by Anderson Cooper (because he gives the best burns):

M.I.A. - @AndersonCooper called me a terrorist for speaking out , and expressed support for the SLgov when this was happening

AC - @miauniverse, you are mistaken. I never called you a terrorist. I don't even know who you are other than the lady who sang at Super Bowl.

I'm going to press pause on this Twitter fight for a second to put that last Tweet into GIF form:

Moving on:

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper YOU CALLED ME A LADY TAMIL TIGER when i talked about tamil civilians dying, and u printed a retraction http://ac360.blogs.cnn.com/2009/01/02/lady-tamil-tiger-gives-pop-culture-a-bang/?hpt=ac_mid. @andersoncooper in 2009 u linked to a articl that was written about me with false info. there was a rebuttal on ur 360 site.

AC - @miauniverse. by the way, I defended your finger pointing at the superbowl, so check your facts. I've no idea what youre tweeting about. @miauniverse you've gone from saying "I wrote", "I called you," to saying my cnn show blog had a link to an article. Big difference

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper p.s thank you for defending my finger , please watch Channel4

AC - @miauniverse I can understand your frustration if someone wrote untrue things about you, and I'm glad you were able to respond.

M.I.A. - @andersoncooper im glad u understand but please watch #killingfields because this is what i was trying to say.

In the end, The Silver Fox and M.I.A. (that sounds like two code names in the messiest CIA team ever) kissed and made up. It's actually a non-story, but I had to post it, because it's always a beautiful day when The Silver Fox licks his finger to put some sizzle on a bitch. You know he snapped his fingers and smacked his lips after he Tweeted that comeback. Serve a trick for talking out of turn, AC!

via E! News

Along with the First Lady of the Death Eaters Anna Wintour, Harvey Weinstein and Georgina Chapman, George Clooney was a guest of the Obamas at last night's White House State Dinner for British prime minister David Cameron and he ate next to Michelle Obama. Stacy Keibler didn't go with Clooney to that shit last night, because Hollywood escort season (aka awards season) is over and her services as his full-time purse holder are no longer needed. Stacy was there in spirit, though (peep at the beard).

While Sarah Larson gave Stacy a tour of George Clooney's Halfway House for Reformed Hos, George got lost in the string of blue balls around Michelle's neck. Stupid ass George Clooney! That dumb bitch was so mesmerized with Michelle's Smurf pearl necklace that he failed to see that the First Lady couldn't lift her damn eyelids due to the 30 pounds of eyelashes holding them down. Seriously, those aren't lashes, those are eyelid anchors. Homegirl needed a helping hand and George was too busy being like, "Durr... durr... purdy balls... shiny balls... I like balls..." George, help an Obama out by prying those lids open with your salad fork. Damn. Does the SEAL Team Six have to do everything?!

Or maybe Michelle wasn't having a traumatic eyelid experience. Maybe she was wishing herself into a safe place where George Clooney isn't going on and on about how beautiful, smart and perfect Brad Pitt is...

Since the Billy Joel of ginger-haired crackies, Lindsay Lohan, can't stay away from her true soulmate the California Justice System for long, she blew a freckled-embedded air kiss at the Probation Department the other night by ("ALLEGEDEDLY!" - White Oprah) grazing the knee of some dude with her Porsche outside a club in Hollywood. You know, I was thinking about this for a while yesterday and so I fisted myself on the side of my head for thinking about this for a while. But that punch knocked a thought into the tattered, burnt, whiskey-soaked loofah sponge in my head. LiLo is just a few days away from being free of probation and she somehow gets caught up in more fuckery. It's like she's got that Munchausen syndrome shit, but instead of feeding her baby laundry detergent so she can take it to the emergency room, she fucks up so she can go back to court. Bitch has Crackhausen syndrome by proxy!

Of course, LiLo denied on Twitter yesterday that any of this happened. LiLo's Porsche never touched a bitch and she was only at that club because her bible study class gets together in its basement every Wednesday morning:

"Scrape? This is all a complete lie. I've been at community service. Last night, I attempted to wish a friend happy birthday, which I didn't even get to do because I was freaked out by all of the paparazzi."

These false accusations are absurd."

Before you say that it's always Opposite Day in LiLo's head and you wouldn't trust a thing she said even if her tongue was notarized, she has an eyewitness! In the video above, a Detroit Rock City extra who can't let go 16-year-old girl tells TMZ that she was there and LiLo's car never scraped anybody's knee. Young Sarah says that the hookah lounge manager was on a staircase the entire time and didn't come close to LiLo's car. Sarah claims that she heard the manager come up with the idea for scamming LiLo and said she was going to pay. Either the most popular flavor at that dude's hookah lounge is "delusion" or he's a sea jasper aficionado, because that bitch ain't got no money.

I have my doubts that the person talking in that clip is actually a 16-year-old girl from Los Angeles named Sarah. 16-year-old girls aren't hanging out in club parking lots at midnight. They're talking shit on the Internet while snorting vodka through a neti pot like a normal teenager (or like a grown ass gay blogger from the San Gabriel Valley) does. Something in the milk ain't clean. That's not a girl named Sarah. That's Cody Lohan covered in the essence of Ellen Page, an Amish boy wig and the eyeglasses of a professional poker player from the late 90s! I can almost see the edge of the cue card White Oprah is holding up.

And please spend a few minutes (or hours, or days) with Sarah's Flickr page, because she has posed with every single celebwhore on the planet. You decide whether or not you can trust a girl who is severely dedicated to making the same facial expression and head tilt in every single picture she takes.

Years after she won her last grammy, Taylor Swift still looked surprised. - debbiedoesnothing

Runners-up:

Honey Boo Boo Chile all growed down. - Vern

Joan Rivers still hasn't learned that no matter how many facial procedures and full body fillers she endures, her ankles will always show her true age. - circestars

Yeah, she's everything I dreamed of. Except when she cums, it's that goddamned Siri voice saying, "My vaginal walls will contract for you now." - Sheryl Crone

(Thanks, Eddie)