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Because Jessica Simpson has to give you every last detail of her pregnancy including her exploding fart hole and a picture of her CGI naked body, she told Ryan Gaycrest on his radio show (via UsWeekly) this morning that she's 170 pounds, has never felt hotter and is having double stuffed orgasms. My thigh bones have flattened just from thinking about Jessica riding on her piece. Take it, Chestica:

"I am definitely 'feeling intimate and HOW! I'm kind of unstoppable right now. The Big O is, like, the biggest O ever! He's always ready!

I should ask Papa Joe if I could borrow the image maker in his brain, because I'm having a hard time picturing Jessica and Eric getting it on. How does it work, exactly? The missionary position is impossible. That would be like trying to fuck your piece while a stability ball is between you two. That would only work if you or your fuck partner is Tommy Lee, or if you or your fuck partner has an extendable vagina tunnel that looks like an elephant's nose. Hitting it from the back would also be impossible unless they dug a crater hole into the mattress and just planted Jessica in there. So, riding on top it is! Damn.

That shit must be intense. They probably have to get those people who transport the whales into the tanks at Sea World to hold Jessica up as she rides hard. A medic always has to be on hand to give Eric oxygen every time his last breath gets knocked out of him from Jessica's 2 ton belly hitting his stomach. And it's probably hard for Eric to keep his peen in Jessica when his unborn toddler's foot keeps trying to kick it out.

Jessica is riding on a pleasure seizure wave while Eric is scarred for life! It's hard out there for Jessica's bought-and-paid piece.

Jude Law gives us a cautionary tale on the dangers of dressing while totally baked - Lainey Gossip

In a perfect, beautiful world, that iPhone fell into a portal and dropped out of the sky before landing on Chris Brown's head. The circle of iPhone abuse would be complete. - The Superficial

Demi Moore is still douchematized - Celebitchy

Jessica Biel was into Barbie kink - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Methinks Lindsay Lohan's cheeks are trying to escape out of her nostrils holes - Hollywood Tuna

But we already have one Khloe Kardashian - Towleroad

What a delicious looking ham wrap (I'm talking about the picture on the window, not Megan Fox's toe) - Popoholic

Nobody does low-budget copy + pasting like the Chinese. Take note, Lady GaGa - The Berry

I think I see a surrogate winking at me when I stare deep into Beyonce's Magic Eye pants - ICYDK

Peter Sarsgaard struts struts struts his ass in some wedgie makers - Popsugar

This is funnier if you read it as, "Hilary Clinton Urges Women Not To Take A Shit" - Jezebel

If you're a pervert who looks through every bathroom peep hole, hoping that one day you'll find Dominic West's ass on the other side, here you go - OMG Blog

Brandon Flowers is looking hot! - Just Jared

Puck from Glee is looking turrible! - SOW

This is supposed to make me awwww inside, but it made me ewwwww inside when he sucked the baby out of her belly - The Daily What

Mickey Rourke for Peeled Paul, because I'm pretty sure he takes off his skin at night just like that - Videogum

In a pub somewhere in Central London, Bear Grylls has his face underneath a urinal drain in the men's bathroom and is drowning his sorrows in gallons of piss. Discovery Channel announced today that they are cutting all ties with Kim Kardashian's golden shower idol, because he has skipped out on two projects he was supposed to do with them. The last episode of Man vs. Wild will air in November. Discovery pissed out this statement to The Hollywood Reporter:

“Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him."

I hardly watched that mess, but it's still a sad day in television history. We were so close to getting an episode of Bear finding ways to survive on his own pre-cum for days on end. Now if I want to see a crazy moron lick piss and eat out a soulless, fury beast, I'll have to start watching Jersey Shore again. No. No. No.

During a polo charity match in Sao Paulo, Brazil on Sunday afternoon, a player on Prince Hot Ginge's opposing team fell off of his horse and nearly died (no, he didn't). Being the royal saver of lives that he is, PHG hopped off of his horse and kneeled at the player's side to ask if there was anything he could do. The dude is fine, but in my professional medical opinion (yes, I'm allowed to have one since my weed man finished like 6 months of an accredited dental hygiene school and we talk a lot) the stupid obviously got knocked into his head when he hit the ground.

I mean, there you are with your face nearly at ecstasy level with PHG's crotch and he asks you if you need anything. Anybody with a tenth of a brain would softly wheeze out the words: "I can't breathe. I need mouth-to-peen hole resuscitation." That dude's teammates will never let him live that missed opportunity moment down. Shit, neither will I!

Stop me if you've heard this before, crazy bitch of all crazy bitches Courtney Love is freaking out over absolutely nothing again. The Muppets do a cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit" in their newest movie and they paid for that shit as well as getting permission from Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic. But the flaming hobo trash can in Courtney's head has sparked out the idea that The Muppets have "raped" the memory of Kurt Cobain by bastardizing one of his songs without getting her permission. Looks like Courtney is doing big things with that certificate she got from Kim Novak's Night School of Overreacting.

TMZ says that smoking wallpaper glue out of an incense holder must have burned the memory box in Courtney's brain, because she gave a music company called Primary Wave the exclusive rights to distribute all of Nirvana's catalog. The producers of The Muppets paid Primary Wave who dropped a percentage into Courtney and Frances Bean's hands.

Beaker is a meth head who desperately needs some Frizze Ease in his life, but a rapist he is not. Courtney better watch it. The Muppets are highly trained detectives and I doubt she wants them sniffing into the mysterious death of Kurt Cobain. If Courtney truly cares about crimes against Nirvanity, she'd watch last night's The Voice. Two "hyena in heat" impersonators dragged "Heart-Shaped Box" out into the alley and slowly strangled the life out of it with the ropes of shit that came out of their mouths. Call the WAHMBULANCE on that, Court!

This picture of Jennie Garth, Peter Facinelli and their family was taken a few years ago and not one of us noticed the silent CROCS cry for help. Nothing blatantly says "WE'VE GIVEN UP ON LIFE AND LOVE" like putting your entire family in CROCS. We could've done something about it, but now it's too late because the love between Kelly Taylor and Coop from Nurse Jackie has died just like the feeling in my feet dies when I see a picture of those plastic Lucifer hooves.

Jennie and Peter pushed out a statement to E! News saying that they are putting their 11-year-old marriage to bed forever:

"While we have decided to end our marriage, we both share the same deep love and devotion to our children. We remain dedicated to raising our beautiful daughters together. We ask for privacy and respect during this time."

Jennie and Peter didn't give a reason why (how dare their asses, I know), but I have three theories:

1. Amanda Bynes.

2. Twatlight: Breaking Hymen, Part 2 is coming out in a few months and Peter's going to need a date to the premiere. Jennie Garth would rather end her marriage than watch another minute of that shit show. That wouldn't be an unreasonable reaction.

3.

Because Brenda Walsh always gets REVENGE (even 20 years later).

The Los Angeles County Health Department opened up a file for Aubrey O'Day's dirty anal adventures and it wasn't for the usual dirty anal adventures they investigate her for. Aubrey HoingDayandNight (aka the most famous person on Celebrity Apprentice) took her living fashion accessories, Ginger (the Poochie wannabe on the left) & Mary Ann (the cotton candy with legs on the right) to lunch the other day at Toast and let them rub their dyed doggy assholes all over the patio table. It could've been worse, Aubrey could've been the one scooting her b-hole across the table, which she's known to do.

The Health Department rang the alarm after they watched a video on TMZ of Ginger and Mary Ann dropping some poop dust and tapeworm saliva on the table. They paid a visit to Toast and let them off with a warning: "Pets shall not be allowed on chairs, seats, benches and tables. The Health Dept would like people to enjoy eating with their pets ... but we also want people to be respectful to other people."

Coming from a gross bitch like me who once ate a chicken salad sandwich next to the bathroom on a Chinatown bus from NYC to Boston, this doesn't bother me as much as it should. But what does bother me is that the servers at Toast failed to see the S.O.S. in the table. I mean, Ginger and Mary Ann obviously only scooted across that table to write "HELP US" in skid marks.

Marriage vows are as sacred as an In-N-Out VIP black card in Hollywood, so it should set your emotion dial to "shock" to read that an aspiring actress/model (see: 99.98% of the popular in Hollywood) broke hers to slip and slide all over the oil slick with a peen known as Gerard Butler. But who can blame her? Stare at the picture above and try to tell me that you wouldn't want to see that between your thighs?

Radar is calling out bona fide skankatarian Gerard Butler for using his sledgehammer dick to break down the walls of some trick's happy home. Before Gerard dried himself out in rehab, he allegedly screwed on a married woman and was the reason why she dropped her husband. A source says that Gerard got friendly with the married ho and her husband before he started spreading his peen queso all over her muffin. They went at it for a while and when her husband found out, she called things off with Gerard for a quick minute to try to save her marriage. It didn't work and the woman realized that she couldn't live without Gerard's "chomping on sardines covered in Thousand Island" sex faces and so she left her husband for him. But by then, Gerard was over that shit and was already passing his peen to other tricks in the land. The source put it like this:

"She thought Gerard wanted to be in a relationship with her but then she found out he was involved with other girls, and hadn't been exactly honest with her about what was going on in his life.”

[The woman] began calling Gerard incessantly and he changed his cell phone number. She hasn't been in touch with him since he decided to go to rehab. Gerard has obviously moved on but she is now going through a divorce and trying to support her son (from a previous relationship)."

Radar also says this stupid bitch screwed around on her husband with Dave Navarro while he was still married to Carmen Electra.

This star fucking bitch really needs more people in her life to tell her that you can't turn a Butler into a housewife. You play with fire, you're going to get burned. You play with the Butler, you're also going to get burned and he's not going to be there to massage topical ointment into the warts he gave you. We're all taught in sex education class that Gerard Butler is a hit it, quit it, immediately to go the free clinic before the infection sets in kind of ho. I swear.

As my spirit animal Latrice from RuPaul's Drag Race would say: I only have 5 Gs for you, GOOD GOD GET a GRIP GIRL.

Whoever that girl's parents are did a wonderful job in raising her, because while sitting in a classroom for hours can teach you how to sleep with your eyes open and conquer the art of looking like you give a fuck when you have no fucks to give, it cannot teach you how to properly read a trick by twerking your eyeballs to the left. That priceless skill can only be taught at home, so that girl's parents can come up to the podium to accept their award, because they have already taught her everything she needs to know in life!

The Hunger Games premiere happened in L.A. last night and some fans waited overnight for that shit, which is why that junior shade thrower up there launched a warm "I slept on the sidewalk all night just to stand next to an Alvin with titties-looking ho in Shakira's old outfit?!" side-eye at Miley. You know, on second thought, maybe I'm giving that little girl and her parents too much credit. Maybe she's not reading Miley. Maybe her eyes locked into the bliss position after getting contact high from the weed fumes wafting off of Miley's stoner ass.

Miley normally looks like she's been chewing the rust off of the Piggly Wiggly shopping cart that her mama je'e uses as a planter in the front yard, so this whole Gypsies, Tramps & Teefs look is a few steps up for her. Somebody finally told Miley to work her best assets: her hillbilly titty balls and her double wide teefs.

Here's more from last night's premiere where Miley went as Liam Hemsworth's plus one, but probably disappeared halfway into it to pass a joint with Woody Harrleson under the concession table. In order!: Liam Hemsworth, an apple head chipmunk, an anime horse with Brandi Cyrus, Elizabeth Banks, Wes Bentley with his wife, Woody Harrelson with his wife Laura, Peeta Bread, Jennifer Lawrence (wearing some gold leafed shit that I'd rather see on Carmen Carrera), Leven Rambin, Cody Simpson, Donald Sutherland and panty creamer of the morning Stanley Tucci.

Elton was all set to send it to Madonna until David told him she hates hydrangeas, not hydras. - OurMissC

Runners-up:

The Trump boys see new belts and wallets in their future. - burpfartsneeze

At the scene when the police officer asked them to touch the tip of their tail to their nose, not one of them could do it. - TexnDoc

This is why I don't buy any of my sex toys from Indian suppliers. - Skinnymalinky

via Picture Is Unrelated