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Ever wonder what happens when you put a former B+ female tweener who gets her own first show and you mix her with a former B list television actress from a long running hit ensemble show who also thinks she is the star? You get several years of pleasantness on the outside and the worst conditions ever on a show on the inside. The former tweener had a huge ego. Coming off some movies and a very popular tween show she thought she was going to be the biggest star on the planet. She also had a very goody goody image on the outside, but on multiple occasions had more than one guy at once. She is also a huge collector of her own homemade porn.

The actress coming into the show who had been on the hit ensemble show also was a goody goody on the inside and out but it did not stop her from being a diva. She also could be the biggest bitch on the planet if you crossed her. As she told the tweener once after they got into a hair pulling fight, "I learned from the meanest actress who ever walked onto a television set. You will lose."

How about the times that our tweener would walk around naked when the actresses husband would stop by the set. "Oops. I did not know you were here." Not that she would ever normally have sex with him. She likes big, big big guys if you know what I mean. However, to get back at the actress she would have slept with the husband who is also a B list movie actor.

For years the two never spoke to each other unless they had to. Knowing how prudish the actress was, our tweener would have wild sex as loudly and as close to the actress as possible even when her kids were visiting. She would even have sex in the actresses' trailer and have her companions leave their used condoms. It was a wild wild set and the two still hate each other. (CDAN)

The former size queen tween bitch: Amanda Bynes?
The goody goody diva bitch: Jennie Garth?
The show: What I Like About You?

If "RDJ" says it's so, then it's so!

I just wish the producers of that mess turned the cameras around, because obviously the real show was going on behind-the-scenes. Who knew that there would actually come a time when we would all slow clap for Amanda Bynes' ho shit antics.

This B- list foreign born always movie actor just recently got engaged to a very high profile actress. Doe she know about the two employees he is sleeping with whenever he comes to town? (CDAN)

Olivier Martinez and Halle Berry? Halle should only be shocked if Olivier Martinez actually kept his crotch baguette in his pants, because that would be a first.

Add one more celebrity pregnancy to the list! This one is a surprise because their relationship was designed to be just a PR set up. They were scheduled to break up later this year. But they wound up becoming friends with benefits, and before you know it, she wound up pregnant. Although they definitely do not love each other, both care very much about their public image (which is why they were in a faux relationship in the first place). If they keep the baby, there will be a wedding.

They want to hold off on the announcement of the pregnancy until April even though she will probably be showing before then. In the meantime, they’re going to have to rewrite that song: First comes PR… then comes baby in a baby carriage… then comes marriage. OK, maybe the song won’t be a hit… but the baby will sure be cute! (Blind Gossip)

Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake? Can't doctors somehow find a way to transfer the TimberBiel fetus to Justin Timberlake, because I'd much rather see a million staged photo-ops of a knocked up Justin Timberlake than a knocked up Jessica Biel.

You might care mostly about Faith Hill's SANS FARDNESS, but I mostly care about whether or not I can clearly make out Tim McGraw's peen print - Lainey Gossip

How the mighty have fallen (I'm talking about eHarmony, not Jennifer Love Hewitt) - The Superficial

To all you single, working mothers of the world, Madge feels your pain - Celebitchy

Germany's answer to Athena continues her rise up the upper echelon of elegance - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

And higher she goes - Hollywood Tuna

Blake Shelton wants to become one with Adam Levine's lips - Towleroad

The On the Road trailer needs more topless Sam Riley and less KStew - The Berry

Poke at me when Casper Smart gets the cover of Vogue Bambini - ICYDK

Why did I think this was Megan Fox? - Popoholic

Dude in the black shirt is like, "Um, we should start charging that 5-year-old in your womb rent" - Popsugar

Somewhere Lea Michele is staring her unprotected naked pictures on her cell phone wondering when it's going to be her turn! - Celebslam

Jessica Biel should use that big ass ring to cut those bangs off - Just Jared

Dear Internet, please don't take Lemon Party next! - The Daily What

I sort of can see pulling out a pistol for a missing Double Double, but a Filet-O-Fish?! - Crunk + Disorderly

HA @ "girl" - Videogum

The Derp Walk - Cityrag

In the Daily Mail's defense, it really is news when Parasite Hilton keeps her legs closed - Hollywood Rag

Javier Bardem tries to out-fug his No Country hair - I'm Not Obsessed

You know how Jon Hamm called Kim Kardashian a "fucking idiot" and said she and Wonky McValtrex are rewarded by society for being stupid? Of course, Kim Kuntrashian responded to Jon on her Twitter today and tried to sound classy even though she wouldn't know classiness if it shot out of a professional athlete's dick. This is Kim's response to The Hamm:

I just heard about the comment Jon Hamm made about me in an interview. I respect Jon and I am a firm believer that everyone is entitled to their own opinion and that not everyone takes the same path in life. We’re all working hard and we all have to respect one another. Calling someone who runs their own businesses, is a part of a successful TV show, produces, writes, designs, and creates, “stupid,” is in my opinion careless.

If you wipe the bull shit from that statement and run it through Google Translation (from "Whoreanese" to Truth Talk), here's what comes out:

I heard Jon Hamm's comment about me 3 milliseconds after he said it, because we have this satellite in space that sends a signal to the butt plug up my ass every time a famous person or member of the media says my name! I am a firm believer that everyone should talk about me as much as possible and that not everyone takes the same path in life. But you'd be stupid to not take the same piss-stained path I took, because I'm rich as shit! I don't work at all and I don't even respect myself. I don't run my own businesses, I can't even produce a shit without Ryan Seacrest's help, I don't know how to write, I don't know what the word "design" means and the only thing I've ever created is a new strain of herpes, but I'm still way more rich and famous than Jon Hamm. So Jon Hamm can call me "stupid" as long as he keeps saying my name!

There, fixed.

The campaign to raise a shit load of money for George Takei's Broadway bound musical Allegiance was a success and he celebrated by riding, whipping and slaying the beat. My soul has been dehydrated ever since Internet legend La Pequeña retired from making sweet moves on YouTube, but this clip of George dancing quenched its thirst a little. This is like a scene from The Glittery Gays of YouTube Retirement Home and the world is a sparklier place because of it.

Former Hot Sluts of the Day and my favorite cat food-eating aliens from District 9 have a special place in my heart, because I have a strange kind of love for shit that scares me. (That's going to be my excuse if you ever catch me fucking an UGG.) The special in my heart for Die Antwoord has expanded, because they told MTV News Canada that they turned down Lady CaCa and refused to open for her (Side note: Does it make you a pee stream if you open for CaCa? Don't answer that question if you're one of those weirdos who poo before you pee.):

"Weird shit's been happening, like fucking Lady Gaga asked us to tour with her and we're like, 'No, don't worry about it.'

Our stuff is like fucking hardcore like solid heavyweight! We want it to be like a secret mind-fuck! People are like what the fuck is this the first time they hear it. We like making pop music, but we like making hardcore music at the same time, mixing them, but they've got, like, soul. It's not like weak, superficial shit. You know?"

I think what he's trying to say is that they're naturally fucking weird while Lady GaGa bought her "fucking weird" starter kit at Ricky's. Never change, Die Antwoord, never change. Specifically, never change the hair on the pixie Gollum girl, because the "toddler got into a fight with a Flowbee and lost" look suits her perfectly.

And this Die Antwoord video is a few months old, but I never posted it, so here you go. This is what it looks like when my nightmares cry.

Eva Mendes and Ryan Gosling have been putting the bang and cock in Bangkok for the past six weeks while he's shooting Only God Forgives and the picture above of them having a staring eye contest in a bar was taken only last week. (Note: Scientists have proven that if you have a staring eye contest with Ryan, you will automatically win, because you'll get so lost in the orgasm globe he calls eyes that you'll forget to blink.) But over the weekend, The Daily Mail said that Ryan and Eva did the Out of this World finger freeze on their relationship and he flew to South Africa to think. The news that Ryan Gosling is back on the market made hos freak out and caused a snapping vagina frenzy. But tell your pussy to calm itself, because both Lainey Gossip and USWeekly say that Eva and Ryan are still licking sweet chili sauce off of each other's nipples.

A witness told The Daily Mail that Ryan was spotted on a romantic dinner date in Cape Town with some blonde German model last week. Lainey says this is impossible since Ryan was in Bangkok every day last week.

I know, it's hard to believe that the literary journal of all things true The Daily Mail would ever EVER tell a lie. If The Daily Mail told me that a second anus hole grew on my taint, I'd immediately run out to buy a conjoined dicks vibrator. That's how much I believe them, so there has to be a reasonable explanation for this. Maybe Ryan Gosling has teleportation powers. Or maybe there's two Ryan Goslings on this planet, which means that doubles your chances at getting Gosling'ed. Okay, your chocha can start snapping again.

(Picture via @busypartyboy)

Olivier Martinez made it clear that he's riding shotgun without a helmet on the crazy train by confirming to reporters at the opening of his restaurant in Miami that he's engaged to Halle "I Will Never Get Married Again" Berry. Olivier should've given Halle a suicide pill ring, so that when she's choking him out during one of their many fights, he can end his misery by leaning over to chew his way to a quick death. But instead, Olivier gave Halle an emerald ring he made with jooree designer Robert Mazlo.

A source type tells UsWeekly that Olivier wanted to give Halle the "most beautiful ring ever made" and also wanted it mean something. Olivier took some ancient mystical quiz called the "Alchemy Test," which is made up of several questions asking for Halle's favorite colors, numbers and shapes. Robert Mazlo decoded the answers to design the perfect emerald ring which tells Halle and Oliver's story.

Isn't that special? I'm guessing that the emerald represents the color Halle will turn when she busts into a jealous rage after watching Olivier innocently talk to another trick. The diamond represents the maniacal twinkle in Halle's eye. The yellow gold represents the jaundice Olivier and Halle will suffer from after they suck the life out of each other. Robert Mazlo is right! That ring is perfect.

The source says that the ring is one-of-a-kind and I say that it's something you can get at QVC for just 4 easy payments of $29.99.

Speaking of precious gems, here's rare crazy diamond Victoria Silvstedt at the opening of Olivier's new restaurant in Miami over the weekend.

Some said that it was way too soon for Oprah to interview Bobbi Kristina, but O's response was that she only did so to show the world the real Nippy. Can somebody lend me their eyeballs, because mine just rolled right out of their sockets (thank everything for Braille keyboards) after Oprah said that shit. O, please, that interview was a bailing bucket scooping water out of the sinking ego ship that is the S.S. OWN.

Anyway, Bobbi Kristina said that the day before Nippy floated up to heaven (where the angels can pop a stubborn doody bubble with a simple air kiss blown to the butt), she slept in her mother's arms for hours. A day after Whitney's death, Bobbi Kristina couldn't bring herself to go back to her mother's house in Atlanta until Nippy's voice told her it was okay. Since then, the spirit of Nippy has stayed with Bobbi Kristina and even turns on the lights for her like a paranormal Clapper.

“Especially throughout the house, lights turning off and on. And I’ll say, ‘Mom, what are you doing?’

I can hear her voice in spirit talking to me, 'Keep talking to me. I got you.' She's always with me. I can always feel her. I can always feel her with me. She always asked me,'Do you need me?' And I caught myself, out of nowhere, I didn't even know I said it, I said, 'I'll always need you.' "

Bobbi Kristina plans to continue her mother's legacy (insert the joke that I KNOW is in your head here) by singing, acting, dancing and starting a foundation for doody bubble sufferers everywhere. TMZ says that Bobbi Kristina is also planning to shit the "Brown" out of her name and legally change it to Kristina Houston.

I totally take comforting in knowing that there's a mansion in Atlanta where I can close my eyes and open my ears to hear the ghost of Nippy screaming "KIZZ MY AZZ" through the halls, but Oprah and Bobbi Kristina didn't talk about the number one question that floated in my head while watching this shit. That question was: Why the fuck did this interview take place in the damn kitchen?! And don't answer with another "mmm hmmmm mmm," Oprah!

via People

I know the last thing anybody wants to see on a Monday morning is something Chris Brown's beaver molars have gnawed, but let's just get this shit out of the way so we can quickly move no to more important and newsworthy stories like PUSSY ELEVATORS! It's been about 7 seconds since RiRi's Barbadian nipple knobs have gotten any camera time and if the eyes of a stranger don't gaze into their slit holes every hour on the hour, they'll shrivel into raisin dust like ear drums when she sings live. So RiRi put them on display while struttin' to Da Silvano in NYC last night.

You know, I'm all for a trick looking like she just drunkenly fell titties-first into a screen door (it keeps the flies out), but this entire look is a damn fucking mesh. Bitch looks like a truck stop hooker circa 1991 who is hitchhiking to Hollywood to live out her dream of being a Fly Girl on In Living Color. That sweater mesh thing is confusing me and those 90s jeans remind me of desperate times when I would sit on my bedroom floor carefully ripping holes into my Bugle Boys with pinking shears to make it look like they just naturally tore that way.

And I'm 99% sure that at least one member of Bell Biv DeVoe wore this exact outfit back in the day and I'm 99% sure that he wore it better.

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Unfortunately, the same can't be said of her brother, Steve. - Zombabe

Runners-up:

He's the bread loser in the family. - GingeMinge

Brad Pitt goes to great lengths to make Angie eat a sandwich. - Anima

If he can pee butter, we're in business. - annobanano

via Poorly Dressed