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Nick Jonas has pulled his dusty purity cock ring from the storage box under his bed and Delta Goodrem no longer has to worry about leaving the bar early after her teenage piece gets carded, because they have ended their love after 9 months together. It's always a sad day for real love when two publicists can't renegotiate a relationship contract. Delta is busy pushing red buttons as a judge in Australia's The Voice and Nick is poppin' his bubble butt on Broadway, so they just don't have time to hold hands in staged photo-ops anymore. Delta's rep released this statement to EVERYONE including The Herald Sun in Australia this morning:

"Nick and Delta have decided to mutually end their relationship. At this point in time, they are both focused on their careers as they go on different paths. They remain friends and wish each other the best for the future."

Somewhere that one Blind Item is re-enacting MiserAlba's "I CAN ALMOST SEE AGAIN!!" scene from the Oscar-winning classic The Eye, because it has partial vision now that half of it has been solved. As for the other part of that blind item, my ass guessed it's Joel Madden, but some put Seal's name in the guess box. Who ever it is, is one lucky dude with a smiley face asshole. That's if Delta Goodrem lives up to her last name, anyway. I know, Delta's last name is pronounced "Good Rem," but that's not how my dirty ass sees it. Spread your cheeks, flare your b-hole, stick your head in the gutter and say it with me now: Delta GOOD RIM! I'd hit it (after running my no-no under the faucet, of course)!

Michelle Duggar writes "A good Christian wife always lets her husband win, is always presentable for procreation, and has no spine." - TexnDoc

Runners-up:

I did not think Sarah McLachlan could make me cry any harder than those abused animals commercials. Until this. - Migraine Sally

I present you Iced Coco - The perfect blend of both mom & dad - SlutBuster

via Evil Milk

Dana Jackson, the ultimate cougar who married her 87-year-old piece Bill (CRADLE ROBBING HUSSY!) on her 100th birthday at the Rosewood Health Care Center in Bowling Green, Kentucky. Dana has slipped a ball and chain around her married finger three times before, but the last time she got hitched it wadn't no big thang. So Dana did up big this time by wearing a vaginal white (copyright: RuPaul) wedding dress before rolling down the aisle to her boy toy groom. Maybe it's because I'm a bitter crusty cunt who is destined to spend his end days talking to the wallpaper bubbles in his basement room at the nursing home, but I don't see this shit lasting. Did you see how Bill is flirting with that young trick? I hope Dana got a prenup to protect her caramel square stash.

Dana knows what she's doing. I'm sure she just married him for the heterosexual lemon party on their wedding night. Get that young peen, Dana.

via Jezebel

Alan Rickman (66)
Corbin Bleu (23)
Ellen Page (25)
Ashley Greene (25)
Charlotte Church (26)
Melanie Laurent (29)
Brendan Sexton III (32)
Jennifer Love Hewitt (33)
Nicole Parker (34)
Wish Bone (37)
Billy Baldwin (49)
Vanessa Feltz (50)
Chuck Palahniuk (50)
Christopher Atkins (51)
Mary Chapin Carpenter (54)
Kelsey Grammer (57)
William Petersen (59)
Christine Ebersole (59)
Tyne Daly (66)
David Geffen (69)

Giving locked up wise guys in prison a reason to buy government-made lube at the commissary, Renee Graziano of Mob Wives showed off her bikini body for the paps during a vacation in Hollywood, FL with her son. This is the same bikini body that almost put two giant black Xes over Renee's eyes. Bitch almost died for that succulent uncooked ham body.

During the first or second episode of the new season, Renee got her ass lifted and while she was in the recovery room, she sat straight up really fast, splitting the stitches in her back. This ho's back split open and she was in the hospital for weeks. I know, for being built like a cement truck, Renee is so delicate. Big Ang splits her fat slug lips daily when she eats a pygmy goat whole and she just fixes her shit up with Gorilla Glue and a nail gun.

I'm going to keep my thoughts about this Tasmanian Devil's Renee's bikini body to myself, because this bitch could easily shove me down a garbage disposal or knock my teefs into my froat just by flinching at me. Believe it or not, shitting my own teeth out does not sound like a good time to me.

File this under: WWJZS? (What Would Jay-Z Say?)

STUNT QUEEN trolls Chris Brown and RiRi farted out not one, but two remixes they did together. Above is the Birthday Cake (Remix) and Chris goes on about how he misses fucking on RiRi. Excuse me while I try to cleanse my skin with my own barf. If RiRi wants to fuck on that twathole again, then fine, but why is she dragging us into it? More importantly, why is she dragging delicious cake into it? It's like someone put a delicious Cookie Puss in front of me and then RiRi and Chris Brown came along to shit right on top of it. Fuck these two stupid bitches. THEY RUINED CAKE!!!!

Click here if you can't hear the shit above. But if you can't hear the shit above, take it as a sign.

Next week's Star Magazine headline: Selena Kay Letourneau leaves a heartbroken Justin Bieber for a younger man! - Lainey Gossip

"Finally, someone has perfectly captured my natural elegance and the way that my blond hair looked like a Harpo Marx wig from the penny store." - Marilyn Monroe up in heaven - The Superficial

And on last night's Celebrity Apprentice, George Takei had a wet dream vision of running his tongue all over The Hulk's bountiful chest mountains - Towleroad

Butt cleavage: Bar Refaeli has it - Hollywood Tuna

Love never dies, but a piece of my soul did when I actually blew up that picture to get a better look at Miley Cyrus' new Emo tattoo - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

I'm no body language expert, but this picture clearly shows that Danny DeVito would rather be closer to Zac Efron's nipples than Taylor Swift's. Danny knows what's good. - The Berry

Bitch Got The Beat Down: The Monaco Royalty Edition - Celebitchy

This picture of a topless Chace Crawford looks straight out of a Cool Water ad from the early 90s - Just Jared

Viola Davis suffocates her chichis at the NAACP Awards - ICYDK

Ceiling Eyes becomes Side Eyes for a quick second - Popoholic

Gis and her Tommy are at the beach - Popsugar

Asian nalgas alert! - (NSFWish) OMG Blog

Where is Mickey Mouse with a taser gun when you really need him? - The Daily What

...THE HELL? Is Johnny Depp's daughter getting fashion tips from Miley Cyrus? - Hollywood Rag

...And then it broke - Cityrag

Before Nicki Minaj let the team at Mattel give her a new face - Crunk + Disorderly

There's nothing like front flipping right into a dog's humping crotch - Videogum

By the looks of Minnie Driver's son, I'm pretty sure his daddy is Andy Richter - I'm Not Obsessed

(Image via Fame)

Here's Latina legend in her own ass, JLo, having a "Don't cry for me Rio de Janeiro" moment with her imaginary subjects at the Carnival parade in Brazil last night. If the camera pulled back, you'd see thousands of people RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES from that balcony, because they know that nothing is strong enough to hold up JLo's 6,000 ton ego. That balcony is now going down in history as a man made wonder, because it actually didn't collapse from the weight of JLo's love for JLo. It's a good thing that didn't happen, because that would've ruined Casper's first Carnival and JLo wouldn't have any good pictures to put in his baby book.

You know, I don't know what this says about me (don't answer that), but every time I see a new picture of Casper, I notice a new gift from his sugar mamita. I see that fancy gold watch, Casper. Casper is seriously collecting a toy chest full of treasures that he'll eventually have to pawn off when JLo dumps him for a younger baby in the sea. In the meantime, #getmoneybaby

If you're in Central or Eastern England today and just got hit with a falling Chris Brown, Kunty Karl, GOOPy Paltrow or Heather Mills, then you only have yourself to blame. This dude from BBC weather warned you. But then again, he could be talking about the other kind cunt. That would explain why ultra man slut Gerard Butler is standing out in a field in Eastern England with his mouth wide open to the sky...just in case.

via Jezebel

Yes, that pun was intended. 24 years ago today, the secret child of The Brain traveled in a pod from her home planet to earth where Barbadians found her on their shores and raised her as their own. Most of celebrate this special day by not giving a fuck, but Chris Brown celebrated it by Twatting a barfday message to RiRi, which she re-Tweeted to all of her followers. What does it all mean?????

Does it mean that RiRi really is sitting on Chris Brown's No. 2 pencil dick again and wants all of us to know it?

Does it mean that RiRi is friends with Chris Brown even though he's still a spoiled piece of beaver shit that not even a maggot would eat?

Does it mean that RiRi is conceited as all hell, because Chris Brown was really giving a birthday greeting to Nippy's former partner in pussy Robyn Crawford and she thinks she's the only Robyn on earth?

Does it mean that RiRi and Chris Brown are shameless spotlight fuckers and are simply promoting the stupid song they supposedly did together?

If it's the first one, I just have to say: Whatever, RiRi. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. But then again, my heart wants me to sit on a Grey Goose bottle before doing a handstand until vodka seeps out of the pores on my head, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Again.

Here's the Terrible Twat of Tappahannock looking like a brain dead, mouth-breathing Tyrannodouchebag Rex in Miami over the weekend. The hos on the beach probably weren't sure if the rank stench was coming from his open mouth or his hanging out ass. I will never forgive those seagulls for not shitting on his beaver teeth while they had the chance.