Not since Pumkin gave New York a saliva facial on Flavor of Love have I seen a spray of spit hit a face like this.
The size small bag of British muscles known as Jason Statham was out apartment shopping in NYC with his girlfriend Rosie Huntington-Whateverly yesterday when he greeted an aggressive ass paparazzo with a warm load of foamy mouth spooge. There are some hos who would gnaw their leg off with a pair of old dentures to get it in the face from Jason Statham and he's out there giving it away for free.
So if an item on your cum bucket list is to get sprayed in the face with Jason Statham's bodily fluids, then just come at him with a camera. Make sure you shut your eyes and tell him to watch the hair. Also, have a medic standing by, because I'm pretty sure his saliva has biceps on it too.
In this episode of Tales From Public Transportation, we witness a delicate Canadian flower playing the sluttiest one-ho game of maypole I've ever seen. This graceful beauty's fellow passengers on the Vancouver SkyTrain should be throwing dollars, coins or pants at her for giving them high quality entertainment, but instead one dude gifts her with words that I long to hear every time I bare my bottom nalgitas on the subway. The dude tells our heroine that she's disgusting and that his child is sitting with him and she needs to sit her whore ass down. HA.
While I appreciate that this dude is teaching his innocent child the beautiful phrase "WHORE ASS," I do not appreciate him teaching his child to hate the fine arts. This ho shit artiste is entertaining the train with a lazy ass show and he's telling her to sit down?! His unappreciative ass needs to stand up and SIT DOWN.
I don't know if the SkyTrain is anything like the NYC subway, but if it is then this display is definitely rated G compared to the usual fuckery happening on the train. Did he think he was bringing his child to Disneyland? It's public transportation! You're going to see some ass cheeks (they're just ass cheeks) and you're going to see some shit you don't want to see. Cover your innocent child's eyes with a prayer cloth and shut up.
via I'm Bored
Posh Beckham is the sleepiest zombie in the graveyard, but she still had enough energy to pull herself out of her crypt to party with Eva Longoria and Kate Beckinsale at a Vanity Fair party in L.A. last night. Last week Posh was grabbing Becks' balls through the power of the optical illusion, this week she's grabbing on Eva's titty balls and let's hope that next week she's grabbing on a pair of meat balls from Ikea. That sinister "nibbling on the fat-free parts of your soul" smirk is scaring/scarring me! Posh looks like Mr. Burns dragging it up in disguise as a Pan Am flight attendant so that he can join the zombie mile high club by eating brains in the lavatory.
You know how at the end of the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland you face a mirror that shows ghosts and ghouls sitting on your head and shit? That's what this looks like. Although, Eva Longoria is too busy flirting with the camera to know that she's wearing a cold zombie hand bra.
That said, I'd rather see Posh's zombie hands over Eva's chesticles than the shit she's wearing. That dress is a world of NO on Eva. If my free clinic therapist held up one of these pictures of Eva and asked me what I see in her titty area, I'd say I see two side shadowy profiles of the triangle bird from Angry Birds and a whole lot of desperation. Eva just doesn't have the demure grace of Courtney Stodden and Anne V to pull off a dress of elegance like this.
Brenda Walsh and her education connections can slide over to the side for a second, because here comes self-proclaimed America's Next Top Oprah, Tyra Banks, with her diploma from Harvard University’s Executive Education Owner/President Manager Program. The Washington Post says that Harvard's Executive Education Manager Program costs around $99,000 and is only available to head bitches of companies with annual sales of at least $5 million.
After completing three three-week session cover the course of three years, Ty Ty graduated summa cum ME ME ME ME ME last week and Tweeted the above picture with the note:
Smiling ear2ear on the Harvard Business School campus w/ my diploma! Tnx 2 my fab photographer mama 4 the pic!
It's times like this when I wish bells had eyes, because somebody or something needs to read TyTy with its side-eye. Tyra is a Harvard Education Manager Program graduate and yet she doesn't know that "thanks" in textanese is THX? Didn't she learn anything from Harvard?
Condragulations to Tyra. She has earned the right to use "Well, when I was at Harvard Business School...." as much as she wants during the next season of America's Next Top Model: College Edition. And she will.
Every once and a while comes a story that is filled with so much wonderful that I have to rub my monitor to make sure my eyes are seeing it right and this is one of those once and a whiles. Radar says that Stephen Hawking regularly takes a break from doing whatever kind of genius stuff he does (I tried to read his Wikipedia page to find out, but my simple brain switched to images of shiny-haired puppies playing in the snow right after I read "theoretical physicist.") to bathe in thrusting chocha at a sex club in California. Devore, California isn't only the place where my cousin got kicked out of a Denny's for drunk barfing into a yellow mop bin on Halloween, it's also the place where Stephen Hawking gets wild with naked hos.
A member of the Freedom Acres swingers club in Devore, CA tells Radar that 70-year-old Stephen is a regular there and rolls up with an entourage of nurses and assistants. The fat-mouthed source went on to say, "I have seen Steven Hawking at the club more than a handful of times. He arrives with an entourage of nurses and assistants. Last time I saw him he was in the back 'play area' laying on a bed fully clothed with two naked women gyrating all over him. I have spoken to him on several occasions and have even shared drinks with people in his group. And he'll even take photos with people in the club as long as it's in a neutral area."
Stephen Hawking was already a beacon of inspiration, but now he's a constellation of inspiration after reading this story. Because no matter what happens, we'll never lose our need for peen (or poon, in this instance). Get your Big Bang on, Stephen!
Just like Charlize Theron and Christina Hendricks before her, prolific philosopher and fully functional mannequin Megan Fox claims that she was never labeled as "pretty" in high school and was a total loner. This would make sense to me if Megan also told us that she was home schooled and her only classmate was the most beautiful earth angel in the world Shauna Sand.
As you can see from Megan's high school picture above, she was a real ugly stick victim and any one of us would've called her Megan Dog as she went to eat her mayonnaise sandwich in the bathroom. Here's what Megan told Miami Magazine (via UsWeekly) about her unpretty days in high school:
I was never the pretty girl," the actress tells the March issue of MIAMI Magazine. Describing her teenage self as "abrasive" and "obnoxious," Fox, 25, says she felt like a "loner" growing up.
This ho right here needed to walk three steps in my British Knights to know what it really feels like to be voted Most Likely To Get A Job As Dr. Frankenstein's Doorman by your entire class. I can't feel a sowwy for Megan when in junior high school I had a pube bush on my head, dumbo ass ears and some jacked up teeth. I might have told this story before (since I have the memory of a dead fish and always repeat stories), but my history teacher once told the class that she was the ugliest girl in school. She said that she had a curly afro, glasses, dumbo ears and braces. Scan to me sitting in the middle of the classroom with a curly afro, glasses, dumbo ears and braces. That bitch. When the kids weren't calling me Michael Gay, they were calling me elephag. So I just can't with Megan.
I'm looking at Megan's yearbook picture and I see nothing unpretty about it. Megan's lip gloss is popping me in the eyes and those brows could easily win valedictorian of eyebrow situations. I don't know how Megan said that with a straight face. Oh wait, I know the answer to that. Megan said it with a straight face, because she can't move her face anymore.
The percentage of coochies that have been Butlere'd plummeted to record lows earlier this month and it made the makers of the morning-after pill and lube cry themselves into the fetal position over their uncertain futures. But they can all slap themselves out of it, because Gerard Butler will be released back into the wild today and hopefully his ass will be better than ever. TMZ heard through the tip line that man slut extraordinare Gerard Butler has been drying out in the House of Betty Ford for the past three weeks. Gerard has been getting treated for an addiction to pain pills and cocaine (street name: Lohan powder).
A source type says that while shooting 300 back in 2006, Gerard suffered several injuries that left him fucked up physically and he started guzzling down painkillers to deal with the pain. Gerard's addiction to dolls got really out of control after he was badly hurt while shooting the surfing movie Of Men and Mavericks in Northern California in December. Gerard realized that he was a gay husband away from becoming Neely O'Hara and so he checked into rehab. The source also says that Gerard regularly tickles his nostrils with coke dust, but his main addiction is with painkillers. Gerard is supposed to check out of Betty Ford today.
Here's hoping that Gerard curbs his addiction soon, because there's a lot of lonely and cold assholes out there that need a poking from his no-no loving finger.
Kids all over the world were terribly disappointed the year Santa started his Xmas route at Charlie Sheen's house. - Spider73
9 months later the house gave birth to a cute little trailer. Named him Cletus. - El Bastardo
The hotel towel might be ok for Adam Levine, but only asbestos shingles will suffice for Gerard Butler. - OurMissC
via Evil Milk
Awkward Kristin - Kristin Stewart is still the most awkward Kristin of Awkward Kristins, but this Awkward Kristin from the University of Florida is a close second.
Like a stoned deer on Red Bull caught in the headlights, Kristin was just minding her own photo copying business when she realized that she was live on camera and stood really still hoping the camera wouldn't notice her. Most people in this situation would either walk down the imaginary staircase or hide behind the reporter's head and then stretch out their arms so it looks like she's growing arm antennas. But Kristin stop, dropped and awkwardly crawled off camera. I'm guessing Kristin got a shot of paranoia, because she's either wanted by the police or she used the "I have the barfs" excuse to get out of a date. Whatever the case may be, Kristin's slick move worked. Nobody (except every single person watching this video) knows that Kristin was there. If the journalism thing doesn't work out, Kristin should be a ninja.
via Reddit (For Jane J)
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